This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
Aretha Franklin died this week and the music world and society is a bit poorer for it. When you think of old school R&B and Gospel, who do you think of?
I remember back in high school hearing George Michael and her on "I knew you were waiting (for me)" and I thought this was probably the highlight of his career (IMHO) doing a duo with a living legend.
In any case, hearing that song attuned me to her music.
While her passing was sad, it kind of hit home a bit for me more. My mom was born 6 days before her and that was music of my mom's era. I felt like calling my mom and relating to her, but as many of you know, she passed in 2014. Aretha's passing brought that fact home again painfully.
RIP Aretha. Perhaps, "She knew He (the Father) was waiting for her. May her music resonate in Heaven.
RIP Mom I still think about you and miss you.
If we are lucky, we have a few people in our lives who "are waiting for us". By that I mean really advocate for us no matter what. I mean those who will stick by us through thick or thin. Wherever she was, she proudly announced that I was her son. At times, I thought, "oh mom" or felt a little embarrassed, on balance I liked it. My mom, in her last couple of years was in a nursing home and still did that. I jokingly said to a few people that I could go on a rampage and she'd say, "I'm sure you are just having a bad day." She was my biggest advocate.
An advocate for us
Wants the best for us, period. Not what they think is best for us, but what makes us happy or fulfilled.
Willing to overlook our imperfections. Doesn't mean they will never say anything to us about them, but they won't define us by them. Fixing our 'imperfections' will not be the price of admission to being in a small 'r' continued relationship with them.
Look for the good in us rather than focusing on our flaws. That doesn't mean they won't every saying anything negative to us, but they don't live in the negative with us.
They will tend to take our side, even if it isn't always justified or even if they don't necessarily agree.
They realize that sometimes it is more important for us to feel stood up for and accepted than to be 'corrected'.
There is a time for revisiting a circumstance/situation later, but they are attuned to our needs now.
I went through a divorce and someone close to me, whom I confided in, harshly criticized me in the throes of my hurt about it. That changed my relationship to the person. While they had some valid points, the time wasn't right. An advocate would better handle differences of opinion. But, I digress.
Advocates are a rare breed. When you grow up with them or you find them in life, don't take them for granted or try to 'trade up'. Yes, there will be other people that will situation-ally or for a time take your side. But, a true advocate will be there for you, through the good times, the bad times and the times in between. Just my thoughts.
I heard someone recently characterize the how sometimes it doesn't take much to separate a person from his or her serenity. His phrasing was "One Degree off Center". That struck me as a very apt characterization. This actually feeds into an idea that crystallized for me as it relates it to stress and worry.
I've observed in my life and that of others a funny phenomenon. They are hit with a significant negative and they are seemingly able to shrug it off. Yet, the same person is hit with a relatively insignificant negative (often easy to recover from--a one degree off center negative). They literally fall to pieces or have their serenity totally disrupted. As with everything else in my blog, I have a take on this phenomenon.
I have literally avoided doing much research for what I write about as I want what I write to be organic vs. ideas and thoughts I literally lift from elsewhere. It was suggested to me that I could strengthen my blog by doing more direct citation. That is to say, take the kernels of an idea that comes to me, pop them, remove the ones that are burnt or unpopped and flavor it with it citations. But, at this point I will stick with my 'tried and true' method, which is to write mostly from my soul. Back to the point at hand. Why do we shrug when we are hit by a big negative and get stuck on the seemingly small things. I have a thought on that: It is our sense of control.
When a circumstance is well beyond our control and it is abundantly obvious to us, there is a sense that there is little point in fretting about it as there is no humanly way possible that will affect the outcome of it.
When my car was wrecked at the beginning of 2017, I had been worrying about keeping it in good running order for another year or so. I'd hoped it would hold out, but I was nervous that miles were piling up on it. This had been in the back of my mind for a while. When another driver caused a wreck which destroyed my car, literally everything else was thrown by the wayside.
I no longer had to worry if the car would hold out another 30-40 miles That choice/concern was taken away from me.
I no longer worried that day about making it to work on time. It was pretty clear that I needed to go home and rest.
I figured that their insurance would pay for it and I'd just get a new car.
When a circumstance appears to be within our ability to influence or control it is easier to focus on it.
I was fairly sure I left my iPod at work vs. having permanently lost it, but I didn't to drive all the way there to get it. So, despite my best efforts, I had focused on it on and off over the weekend, hoping that I was right about it. I was right as I did leave it at work. I wasted my time worrying on something small because it appeared to be in my control.
In the first point, it was totally obvious I was thrown completely off center, so I had the sense that I just needed to turn to side or turn around and I'd be back at where I'd need to be rather than trying to make a minute adjustment. In the second point, I was very close to center, but I couldn't quite get there. Rather than having to make a large and obvious adjustment, I only needed a slight adjustment to the circumstance to be back at center. Unfortunately, it would have taken some effort to get back to center--driving an hour and a half to get to and back from work. So, the one degree off center that that situation was causing me was worse anxiety in some ways than completely having to go from scratch to get a new car did.
Moral of the story: Be willing to give up the worry about that which you believe you can control. Because a) the sense of control often is an illusion anyway and b) somethings just don't make a difference in the bigger picture.
I was talking to a now former fellow employee recently and she let me know she was moving on from her job from our employer. She was telling me that she had reevaluated her priorities and determined the time was right to consider her options. I asked her about how she came to the conclusion. I won't reveal much of the conversation except to say she felt like it was a move she had to take for multiple reasons. One was financial, but even more important to her was that her new position gave her the sense that she'd make more of a difference in the lives of others. She gave me a bit of her history or path to this position. It made me ponder why she didn't hadn't made a beeline to the new position in when she had applied to my work. In other words, if she felt like this new position would be more in line with her 'need' to make a difference, why didn't she go in that direction first. Inasmuch as her new position will be a different sort of job, I had also wondered how she felt about her current position. Her responses paraphrased included:
I have learned a lot from my current position. In other words, while it may not be ultimately where felt she was called to be, it wasn't like she wasted her time. She learned a lot and helped others to the extent she was able to.
Personal circumstance opened me eyes as far as what is important to me. She had a recent tragedy in her life and that focused her attention on what was important to her.
I respect that and it also got me to thinking that it is so easy to second guess why we didn't see the obvious earlier. Hindsight is said to be 20/20 for a reason. It is also easy to ignore or forget the fact that we weren't ready for the situation or the situation wasn't ready for us. Sometimes, we have to make another stop before we get to the destination we need to be and sometimes we have to have a game-changer in our lives to push us in a direction that we didn't have the courage or motivation to go. And just sometimes, a seemingly small ripple can eventually become a wave. A few examples:
I bought tickets to a sold out show for my now ex-wife's birthday. On the way to the concert I lost the tickets. I didn't really realize it was sold out and I figured I'd get more tickets. However, when we got there, they were turning people away who didn't have tickets. I felt awful and made a commitment to her that if the band came into town again I'd get her tickets to it.
As Aerosmith was taking their sweet time making it back to St. Louis, I looked where they were touring and I saw Las Vegas and I got this idea? Why not see them in Las Vegas and taking in Las Vegas.
I loved the rental car I drove much more than my own car. I realized I'd rather have that car. After holding out two months, I finally caved and traded in my car for a car just like the rental.
One seemingly small event--the loss of tickets, led to a trip to Vegas and trading in my car.
It was 2016 and my wife was pushing me to trade-in or replace my 10 year old car. I was bound and determine to hold on another year to it, even if I had to dump more money into it. I hated the car, but I was determined to work on fixing my credit more. I had this plan in place as of January 5, 2017 that I would wait until the beginning of next year (2018) to get a new car and would keep the old car as a 2nd car to offload some of my annual miles (30K+)
One day (January 5, 2017) on the way to work on snowy, slightly icy day, the driver in front of me spun out around a curve, hit the wall and came to dead stop. By the time I got around the curve in the road and saw her, it was too late. In one instant my best laid plans came to a crashing stop (literally).
I had to replace the car immediately. I got a new car, but was unhappy as I didn't have the 2nd car I had planned. (2016 Ford Focus Titanium). This led me to get a 2nd car that was 7 years old. (2011 Mazda 3 GT)
I like the 2nd car engine and handling so much I wished I'd had the new version of that car as my first car. After about 6 months, i traded in my 2011 Madza 3 GT for a 2018 version which had the fun of the 2011 version and the features of a new car.
So, in one instant, I went from having a 10 year old car to eventually having 2 newer cars. Who'd have thought?
I was injured for the better part of 2017 from the accident and that led me to be aware of people's reckless driving.
Now these examples aren't tragic, though the injury related to accident was rough. My point is this. Sometimes we have plans and we have goals (and sometimes we don't even realize them fully), but we don't always get to the destinations we are going to directly. We sometimes take detours. I was gong to get a new car and have a 2nd car, but I was going to do it on my own time or so I thought. I wasn't ready for a new car. I was stuck in the punishment myself (by driving an old beat up car) for having to declare bankruptcy after divorce mode. It literally took a crash course in crashing to break that mode.
My former coworker was eventually going to get a teaching job (destination), but she didn't know it at the time. She had to first have a layover at my employer (stop over) and than a tragedy in her life (catalyst for the change). She had moved from her previous employer to a similar position at my employer and clearly that where she felt she was right for. It took a tragedy to realize that my employer was a stop along the way rather than her destination. She could have said, her new job is what she should have 'always done', but she chose to view our employer as a good stop along the way from which she learned from and which gave her time to figure out what she needed.
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As we get used to seismic shifts in our life, we take for granted how we got there. Sometimes we get there gradually and we have time to adjust, but sometimes they happen in an instant and we just have to immediately adjust to a new reality. There can be a sense that the shift was to a place that was 'always' going to be our destination or destiny. But, it wasn't always that clear. How we got there may ultimately be a result of a small change (losing concert tickets) or a larger one (losing a loved one) that changes our trajectory.
Sometimes we think where we shifted to is our 'true' destiny or destination, but as we get older and look back we can also see that it was always just a stop along the way.
I guess ultimately my point is this: Life changes sometimes whether we want it to or not. Sometimes it is in an instant, sometimes it is gradual. It may be a 'destiny' or a stop along the way. Sometimes it is change we see we needed for a long time (and we can condemn ourselves about it with the clarity of 20/20). But whatever the case, I think it is important to be open to and embrace, even if it is painful a new reality. Even if it is somewhere we don't want to be, we have to always remember, in time it may be where we need to be or it may be a pathway to where we will be.
