Walking in other people's shoes, when they are wearing boots and 'heroism'

When sharing situations or story with others, I've noticed that most of the time people usually are pretty good about listening.  From my experience, when people try to relate, their attempt is usually well meaning,  accepted and appreciated.

However, I've seen and experienced and probably been guilty of one or both of the following sins:

• Try too hard to relate, especially where it is impossible to relate.
• Expressing 'my experience' in a way that could be seen as 'one-upping'.

I refer to the first 'sin' as "walking in other people's shoes when they are wearing boots".   The idea being that you might be able to understand or related on some level to what another is saying--walking in their shoes--but that their circumstance is different enough--they are wearing boots instead of their shoes--that you wouldn't be able to get the same feel for their circumstance by just 'walking in their shoes'.

I refer to the second 'sin' as 'heroism' because whether the intention is pure or not, if you are not careful in relating and tell about 'your difficult circumstance', it could be seen as saying to the other person (condescendingly) that 'your problem is bad, but let me tell you about the time when I...".  In other word, "I've had to deal with worse" or "I dealt with it better".  

• You could be trying to help them 'understand' that their problem 'isn't all that bad' and is 'survivable' based on your experience.  While there MAY be some truth to this, if handled wrong this could effectively dismiss their concern out of hand rather than letting them express it.  Maybe they just need to talk and get it out of their system to realize "you know it really wasn't that big of a deal".  Your motive is pure, but it isn't exactly what is useful to the other party at that time.
• You could say it out of an impure motive--exasperation, jealousy, etc--and effectively shutting them down and telling them to suck it up.  While this may feel good at the moment when you are frustrated, it doesn't necessarily lead to a great relationship.   I believe when you are getting to this point, 'listen' as much as possible, help where feasible and when it is too much or what you think as ridiculous just tell them, "I wish I could be more helpful" and quietly extract yourself from the situation where possible to not make it worse. 

Having said all that, I realize as a parent that sometimes when a kid is being irrational there are time and a place to not 'humor' their thinking/worry.  There are times and places, when you just have to face their circumstance completely logically, despite a desire not to.  They are times and places also where you have to give them context.   The way I try to handle this is letting them know that their concerns or worry is legitimate and but that in the big scheme of things they are still in a good place. For example, if a kid (or an adult for that matter) says, "my life is horrible" and just refuses to acknowledge that the good they have, point out as bad as things may be there are people in this world who are too busy trying to survive to have the luxury of worrying about what they are.  It isn't to dismiss their worry/concern, but to let them know, let's keep it in perspective.

I look at it this way, I believe my Higher Power, God, hears my prayers and concerns and provided my motives are proper He will address them and not dismiss them.  In other words, while He may not see it as a big deal or big issue, He knows it is to me.  Sometimes addressing my concerns  will not mean trying to 'solving' them, but showing me a different perspective.  In my faith, God, in the form of His Son, has walked in my shoes and he has faced everything we have.  He lets me know that, but He doesn't impose His 'experience' on me, but rather let's me know that he has been there.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin. 

Hebrews 4:15

Lest it seem like I am saying, do not try to relate, I believe the furthest thing from that.  It is important to relate and try to empathize with others.  But, IMHO, it is also important to remember the limitations of 'relating'.  

• Sometimes, you are missing key differences that make your situation different enough than theirs as to be not exactly relateable.
• Sometimes, even if you can relate, sometimes people need to experience a situation as theirs first, regardless, process it, mourn it if necessary.  Only then they may be in a better place to hear that they aren't the only ones to be in that situation/circumstance. 
• Sometimes, they need a different person, closer to their age or or just an outsider, for example, to relate.  This I believe is hard for parents to accept.
• Sometimes, they need to hear how you can relate, but they need to hear it at at different time or with a lighter touch such as "I don't know if this helps at all or is anything like..." vs. "I understand". 

I guess the best advice, is to be pure in your motives in listening, attempt to be mindful of what others need and try to give them what you can, understanding that not everyone is open to hearing your words.

Doing It My Way: Is It The Best Way or The Best Way For You?

As a parent, a significant other, part of a larger family and employee, over time, I've seen people of all ages and situations insist things be done their way as their way is the best way (or the only good way) and made some observations.

Sometimes the way people insist or wish to do something is based on their comfort zone.  I've previously dealt with the subject of people having their comfort zones and how it relates to relationships.    That is, the place where others, especially a significant other, doesn't agree with your way, but gives you the space to do it your way because that's the way your are comfortable doing it.

If a partner's comfort zone in a relationship is say staying out all night, going who knows where, not making themselves available and coming back home with clues that they haven't exactly been well-behaved; having them do it there way might just be a bit problematic.   But, I'm really addressing the more day to day/getting along concerns.  In that vein, here are a few things to consider in determining if each other's way is suitable for your relationships.

• Is there only one good way to accomplish or do something or more?
• There are many different variations and ways of  making lasagna.  Some recipes may deemed better than others, but there are a number of recipes that will allow you to make a good lasagna.  Insisting on one way in this case, could be be being unnecessarily strict.
• To go from O'Fallon, Missouri to Columbia, Missouri there is really one one good path.  That is to say, the best and only practical way is to drive I70 West.  Insisting on going that route vs. another could be considered being sensible vs illogical.
• Is it a matter of comfort only--the way one is used to--or is it a matter of not being wired to accomplish the goal a different way?
• The cooking examples:  Some people are just not very good at cooking complex dishes. You can walk them through cooking a complex dish step by step, but for whatever reason, they will not be able to navigate it successfully.  In other words, while they can cook, but cooking is not one of their strength. So, trying to push them too hard to cook anything more than a simple dish will probably end up in frustration for everyone.
• Conversely, sometimes a person has never effectively been shown or told how they can do something more effectively, but it is well within their capacity to do it successfully. For example, if you aren't used to packing for vacations, you may not really know the most effective way of packing.  That very well could be something within your abilities, but just something you haven't had enough guidance/practice to do effectively.
• Is doing the goal a different/'less effective' way risky or otherwise problematic or is it just a big deal to the your other party?  
• For example, if time isn't an issue, you might feel more comfortable driving a certain route.  It may not be the most efficient, but really if it doesn't add too much time or distance, what does it really matter?   It may matter to the other party who doesn't approve of it, but isn't that more on them?
• Conversely, you might under great pressure to be somewhere at a certain time and the only way to ensure that you reach your destination on time is to go a certain route.  In that case, it makes sense for your other party to insist you take that route vs. an alternative route you might prefer.
•  Another example is determining whether loading up the car a certain way risks damaging the contents you packed or is it just not necessarily the most space efficient, when space isn't an issue?  In the first case, it could/would be best to insist that the packing is done differently.  In the second case, it might not be that big of a deal and might be a disagreement worth having.

We all have our ways.  We often like to think our way is the 'best' way and when it is just us individually, then we have to deal with the positive or negative consequences of our choice or way.  However, when another is involved, we have to take into account their thoughts, needs and concerns.  We can't just be a puppet of another and always do it their way, we have to have some space or rights to have our way considered and accepted.  As they say, some battles are worth having and some aren't.  Just some thoughts to consider.