Toxic cleanups are best done by HazMat people

A while back I wrote a blog post called #MeAsWell: For What It's Worth related to CSA (childhood sexual abuse) and my person experience on the matter.  In the process of talking about it to my wife, I got the sense that she could only understand it to a certain point.  That's not a fault of hers as sometimes you can only fully grasp a circumstance or situation if you've been in a similar one.   She lost her husband abruptly a few years back and had to learn to raise two kids on her own.  I've lost close relatives too and one at a young age.  While I can understand hurt of losing someone at a relatively young age, I cannot appreciate my spouse dying unexpectedly and leaving me kids to raise alone.   Anyway, it got me to thinking about why there are some things that are hard to talk to about even those closest to you.

For me, it is how I was affected by CSA and specifically what struggles I've had including the inability to easily trust others.  It is also some aspects about my late brother's life--he committed suicide. (Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother.)   For others it could be about their struggles with the bottle.  For yet others, it could be about their marriage or job failures, etc.

So, I tried to relate to her about why people might have trouble talking about their most painful experience, issues, concerns, etc.   Many or most people have someone in their life who says, "You can talk to me about anything."  While this sounds good and the intentions are usually good, there are some definite blocks as to why this doesn't always hold true:

• Sometimes people have had others who have said the same thing and they found it that it wasn't true. The others didn't behave or react in a helpful way.  Alternatively, they found that what was talked about in confidence with their someone was gossiped about later.  In other words, they thought it was safe to talk about very personal subjects and were let down.
• Sometimes people feel too much shame or embarrassment about a subject matter and they don't want to initially open up with someone close.
• A professional such as a minister, counselor or therapist is often the best first person to go to.
• A professional often has the level of detachment necessary for you speak your mind.  Whatever block felt (humiliation, embarrassment, etc.) may not be as strong with a 'stranger' as it would be in front of someone you see all the time.
• Most professionals are trained to remove or at least not let their biases get in the way.  They are trained not to react, but to listen.
• Most professionals have likely 'heard it all' or enough that they won't be shocked or rattled by what you open up about.
• Sometimes people realize that someone close to them is not necessarily the best one to talk to about a given subject.
• The know their someone would just not be able to understand the issue as they have no experience in dealing with it.
• They know that their someone has their own issue(s) which may conflict.  For example, if your someone has a history of depression/suicide in their family, talking too much about your depression could be a subject way too close for them to deal with or could trigger them.

I titled this post as I did because the things that really trouble people and are hard to open up about can be toxic--at least to the person who is troubled if not to those around them.   When you have a toxic spill, who would you call?  Why a person trained in toxic cleanup.  That is, HazMat certified people.   Likewise, when you have a subject which is toxic  (at least to you), who should you call?  Someone who is trained to or experienced in dealing with toxic emotional, behavioral, mental and/or spiritual issues.  Now, after the fact, you may realize what was bothering you may have been overblown, but that may not be clear until you have someone 'detoxify' it for you.  That is to say, break it down in such a way that you see it as overblown.  On issues that are truly 'poisonous', a professional will be able to give you the tools to process them and explain what troubles you to those around you.

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Personal note, I was  able to help one friend off a toxic substance--the bottle--and able to relate to what led them to it.  However, that friend was ready to get sober, but just needed someone to be there for them.  Unfortunately, I later had a friend who I found out was addicted to heroine.  I tried to be there to help, but found that I was in over my head.  My friend had demons that were troubling her that I just wasn't equipped to help out with, though I tried.  Sadly, she died at the age of 25.  The best people to help her were trained professionals.  Family and friends could be supportive and were to the extent they could, but she mostly needed trained professionals as much as possible to guide her.  That is, "HazMat" people.

Anyway, just some food for thought.  I hope this helps others who want to be there for a loved one realize that sometimes there are limits to 'being there' and the best you can do is be supportive while they find their 'Hazmat' person.

-- Rich



* Note sure how well this video fits, but I thought why not?