Demons, Part 5: Ways to deal with hurt and the failure to outrun it.

A while back, I found out a one-time friend of mine had passed away from an overdose shortly after I fell out of touch with her.   At the time our friendship ended, she had basically tossed aside our friendship essentially stating that [our friendship] wasn't (paraphrasing it) "doing it for me".   Not one to be where I'm not wanted and having my self-respect, I honored her wishes.  In fact, I made a point to shut her out and blocking her access to me.  But, before I did this, I let her know that "I had figured that our friendship had an expiration date on it", before quietly fading away.  Even though we were never more than friends, I did like her a little bit and I was left wondering, what did I do to deserve being 'unfriended'?

Long after this estrangement, I looked at a common friend's page and saw her name in the friend's list on Facebook.  Out of curiosity, I decided to see what my estranged friend was up to.  I observed she had a memorial page and after following up on it, I got the rest of the story.   Even though we were estranged and she'd hurt my feelings, I was sad about it her passing.  She had overdosed within a number of months of our friendship ending.  Knowing that she overdosed shortly after our falling out of touch, helped me to understand that our estrangement was never really due to what I was lacking in the friend department to her.  Instead, it turns out she was a hurt person, struggling with demons.  She was seeking whatever she could to outrun or mask her pain and hurt.  A friendship that wasn't 'fun' enough didn't help her to do this.  It's clear now that neither I nor anyone else could be what she needed.   She needed to come to terms with herself and her pain.

I'd venture to guess most of know or are at least familiar with someone like that, if not having experienced it ourselves.  Someone who has or has had a deep soul level hurt that they tried to avoid facing.   From my experience and knowledge, anyone who has been there realizes that when you are in that place, you can either do one of four things--much of which I have done.  Some ways of dealing with hurt are unproductive and some are destructive.

• Attempt to outlast it
• Curling up into a ball, trying to sleep away pain, hurt and/or sadness.
• 'Sleeping it off' can sometimes actually help if not overdone or abused.  Sometimes a new day can bring a fresh start and allow us to heal enough to deal with it.
• Attempt to avoid it.
•  Medicating it. This can take many forms, none of which are necessarily healthy and some of which can be downright deadly.
• Literal 'medicine' such as drugs or alcohol to hope us cope.
• Distractions to keep us from facing our hurt
• Gambling, porn, overeating are 'pleasing' distractions.
• Cutting and inking can be 'blocking' or masking distractions.  Just like a fire strategically set can burn the 'fuel' to a raging forest fire, a different type of pain can help block the 'hurting pain'.
• Shutting down mourning.  Sometimes it hurts and makes us feel vulnerable to feel and to risk sharing our hurt.  Sometimes we are told to be brave, to keep a stiff upper lip.  While there is a time to be brave, sometimes when we shut down mourning, we are being just the opposite of brave.   We are avoiding.  Essentially, we are Zig Zagging through life: Diverting our energy from where it is really needed
• Attempt to outrun it
• Keeping too busy to have time to focus on it.  
• Keeping busy I believe is a common way to avoid grieving the loss of a love one.
• Allow ourselves to feel it.
• Outwardly mourning and/or inwardly focusing on our hurt can be a distraction to what we need to get done, if it is timed wrong.
• Finding a time and a place where it is safe to feel and mourn the hurt is imperative.  Allowing too much hurt to build up with no outlet is not a healthy place to be.

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We all face some disappointment, some hurt--a promise not kept, a friendship lost, but I'm talking about deeper than that.  I'm talking a deep gut punch like a bitter divorce or an unexpected, untimely death, abuse and things of that nature.  This is not to minimize the 'smaller' hurts, but to put things in perspective.   Sometimes too however, enough 'smaller' hurts can build up and be just as debilitating.   But, I digress.  What I'm talking about is a buildup of hurt.  Anyway, as I've gotten deeper into my adulthood, I've come to realize that pain and hurt will not magically disappear and just because you claim you are 'over them' doesn't actually mean you are.   Our soul, and not our hopes, has a way of knowing if we have dealt with hurt.  My estranged friend reminded me.  Anyway, just some thoughts.   Here are a few other posts which I think would go with this one:

See:

I haven't got time for the pain or do I?

Grief doesn't care what is proper, part 1

Grief doesn't care what is proper, part 2

Cheers,

Rich

Heartache: Wanting the one thing you can't have

I went to Dennis DeYoung the other day and as I expected, he put on an excellent show.  He talked a bit about his time with Styx and you got the sense that while he likes doing shows, he would rather do a show with his old bandmates.  I had previously read up on the Styx story and found it in a bit sad.  The band had a creative falling out after Mr. Roboto and then got back together for a tour in the 1990s.  However, in 1999, they seem to have a permanent falling out as the band fired DeYoung and replaced him on keyboards and lead vocals.

I've read on many occasions that that DeYoung is open to and expressed a desire to reunite with his old bandmates.  However, I've read on many occasions in which they stated in no uncertain terms that it isn't going to happen.  It's really sad in a way, DeYoung was the biggest creative force behind the band and definitely the voice you'd associated with them.   In short, getting back with the band one more time is the one thing he'd want, the one thing that he'd truly like before his time here has passed, yet it is the one thing he can't have.  Perhaps, others in the band perceived him as too controlling or not committed to them enough.  Not totally sure.   The point is, it sounds like he'd eat his pride and make whatever amends he needed to for just one more chance to be with them as a group.   He is 72 and while he appears to be in good health.  However, at that age, as I know from personal experience with parents, the time to put your affairs in order is significantly shorter than in your 50s or 60s.

I've had moments where I just wanted to talk to my mom or brother just one more time.  I've wanted to share a thought or a memory or a moment with them, but the reality and finality of their death has precluded me from doing so.  Anyone who has lost someone close has probably felt this way.   I think many people have had friends come into and leave their life, with them still longing for the friendship that has escaped them.  The same applies to a love that has been lost or even family members you've fallen out with.  It can be a hard pill to swallow.


How do you deal with the one thing you want but can't have?  I'm not sure, but I do have some ideas.

• You find a way to be grateful for what you do have.  That doesn't mean you forget the thing that which tugs on your heart.  It does that means you don't allow it to dominate.  Instead you focus your positive energy on what you do have instead of treating it like a pale imitation what you used to have.  In other words, treat your current life and relationships that you do have a something other than a consolation prize. 
• I don't see my daughter everyday and I go stretches without seeing her, while I am sad about those points, I can't let them dominate when I do have her.
• You be grateful for that which you had.  When you became so accustomed to lost loved ones or the special person(s) you have in your life and they are no longer available, it can take some time to get to the 'than to never have loved' stage of "it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have had".  But, with time to process, time to mourn, and time to reflect perhaps with some effort you can get to this stage.
• It is still a hard pill for me to mourn losing my brother when he was 43.  It felt like a life of someone so close that hadn't been fulfilled.  Yet, I have to remember the close times we had together and the cool things about him than to get caught up in longing to speak to him again.
• Look for new people and new opportunities to give your time, love and effort to.   You can cry over spilled milk for a while but eventually to move forward sometimes you just have to get a new carton of milk.
• Back in the late 1990s, I had a relationship end that broke my heart.  Time, distance and seeing all sides of the situation--she has a good family and found what she needed and me seeing that I would not have had my daughter if I had been with her (at least in her current form).  But, hindsight is 20/20 and heartache is heartache.  So, I adjusted and moved on and as a result, I am richer the opportunity to know my child.
• My first marriage ended up ultimately being a disappointment and somewhat disillusioned me towards marriage.  Yes, I could have stayed lost in the disillusion of it and I could have been sad to lose time with my daughter forever, but that wouldn't have been healthy.  Instead, I took some time for myself and figured out a few things and eventually started dating again.  Had I stayed in the disillusionment, I would not have had the opportunity to get to know and appreciate my new family.
• You realize that just because it seems hopeless now, what you need may come back either in the similar form or a new form.  In Carly Simon's own words, "I know nothing stays the same, but if you're willing to play the game, it'll be coming around again'.
• Our favorite group splits up, the lead singer takes on a solo project or they replace the lead with a new one--such as with Foreigner and Journey.  It seems like more often than not this is the end of the band as we know it.
• Freddy Mercury took a break from Queen to do solo work in the mid to late 1980s, but they got back together to do a final few albums before his passing at a young age.

Who knows sometimes that which you think is permanently lost may be 'coming around again' as Carly Simon sings, but even if it doesn't, being deliberate about dealing with the heartache and loss can help put you in a position to better move forward.  

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For what it's worth, I hope Mr. DeYoung gets the opportunity to make peace with and come to terms with his old bandmates.  But, if he doesn't get that opportunity I hope he is at peace with it or is able to find a way to get to peace with it.   Either way, I believe it is okay for him to express sadness or longing for it.   However, he as he is doing now, needs to move forward and understand that it just might not ever be in the cards.

Just some thoughts for the day,
Rich