This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
I think by the time we are well into our adulthood, we've heard society's "grown-ups in the room" spout the cliche "It's okay to disagree without being disagreeable". Some cliches, no matter how overused they are, still have value. This one is one of them. Anyway, we've all heard others discuss having to deal with 'fake people' and it got me to think. We've all been around groups of people that are fake and hopefully we are not unwittingly part of such a group. We see them on Facebook and they like each other's posts. You wonder if they even care about the posts for the others in their clique or they just want to be seen as being friendly or supportive, but I digress. Sometimes you'll see them virtue signaling on social media or elsewhere and you wonder whom they are trying to impress with their 'thoughtful' take. Sometimes we'll see them hang out in clubs together. We may also see them group together at our place of education, employment or worship. Wherever we run across them, they can be annoying to be around or to deal with. Unfortunately, they due to circumstance between our control sometimes we have to deal with them--coworkers, classmates, supervisors, etc. We could get or stay annoyed by them. However, sometimes, especially if they have authority over us, it is best to learn how to 'play the game without being a piece on the board'. That is, "Fake it, without being fake". Before you take this step, you have to determine what it means and if you are capable of it. The Rules of the Game.
Remember when you are 'going along to get along', not to cross you own red lines. Such as:
Not hurting others. For example, try to avoid piling on when others are being attacked, especially where the ones being attacked could be hurt or get wind of it. Even if it not harmful to the subject of the attack, it is at the very least harmful to you and those whom you influence. Besides, it is below your dignity.
Not going against your core beliefs. For example, don't resort to helping them steal or lying about work hours if that's what it takes to be part of the group.
Not putting yourself in jeopardy to get along. For example, if you work somewhere where your coworkers are doing something unethical, don't participate in hopes of being accepted.
Be aware of what really matters and what is safe to opine about
Some things are throwaway such as talking about your favorite restaurants or your favorite vacation spots. As long as the 'fake' people aren't rude to you about it, what does it really matter as these are subjects that don't matter in the big scheme of things.
Some things are fairly uncontroversial such as rooting for the home teams. You can typically talk about these things without hurting other's feelings or compromising yourself.
Some things you should avoid especially if it is a sore subject for someone in the group, unless it is to empathize perhaps. No matter how 'fake' a person is, he or she still has feelings buried underneath the facade.
Be aware of what is important to others in the game and look for areas of actual agree-ability.
Compliment where you can safely (and honestly) such as on their clothes, car or whatever. Fake people, often are just people search for validation. If you can provide it honestly, it costs you nothing, but can make a difference.
Ask questions that show interest. Fake people can be very vain and like to talk about themselves.
Pay attention to what they talk about, you might learn something which can help in future relations.
Determining if you want to play.
What is the cost of the game? If the cost is too high, such as compromising your values or putting up with too much BS, it probably isn't worth it.
What is the benefit of the game? Fake people might actually be able to help you if you 'help' them. If you show likability towards them, even if not necessarily 100% genuine, they might be pleasant to you and perhaps offer networking help.
There is a chance that someone(s) you perceive as 'fake' are just insecure people who are playing the game too and who seek a true friend.
Can you be friendly and agreeable with fake people without the fakeness spilling over?
Is that your final answer?
When determining how you want to proceed with fake people--whether you want to avoid them as much as possible, be businesslike or kill them with kindness--you have to consider the costs and benefits.
You have to determine how much you are willing to put yourself out there. When dealing with difficult people in general, it is best to put yourself out there as much as you are comfortable with. In other words, how much are you willing to safely share with others?
You have to be willing to change approach if one approach isn't working. For example,
If your efforts to kill them with kindness don't work and are draining you, you may have to step back and let it go. If someone is fake and doesn't accept your kindness or worse, pushes back, you have to make sure your don't allow yourself to get hurt in the process.
If trying to avoid dealing with fake people isn't working. In other words, they try to draw you in, it might be best to accept their overtures and find where you can be agreeable with them. Otherwise, you might just have to step away from them as much as possible.
This applies to adults as well, but most kids want to be accepted and thought of well. Unfortunately, I think in some cases, they resort to being whom they think they need to be instead of whom they are. They look for acceptance among the 'in' kids, they crave something that feel is missing and will do whatever it takes to get it. I think this extends into adulthood. Maturity is realizing it is okay to be yourself and not someone 'you need to be' and being comfortable with it. We have to deal with them in our teens and our adulthood sometimes. But like the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" implies, we should make an effort to meet others where they are, especially when we can't avoid dealing with them. It may not be on our terms, and therefore may feel like we are "Faking It", but it doesn't mean that we are "Fake". Being respectful of others where they are doesn't mean we are fake, it means that we are considerate (and in some cases out of necessity). We become "Fake" when we cross our red lines to do so and/or allow it to spill over into how we deal with everyone.
A number of years ago, I was talking to a friend and he referenced the term 'gaslighting'. I'd never heard the term before and of course was intrigued. My understanding was that it is a psychological tool by which someone tries to covertly manipulate another into doubting themselves such that they gain some sort of advantage over the other. Wikipedia describes it as this: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
I've seen this in relationships and at times wondered if this was present in my family of origin. The following are ways I see it differently than "garden-variety" or simple manipulation. Simple Manipulation
You want your way, but aren't trying to disable or shutdown the other person in the process. In other words, not purposely abusive.
It may be overt. It can be subtle, but it can be blatant too.
It can be done out of fear or self-protection, but not usually out of downright contempt or throwing responsibility on the other.
The focus of it is usually shorter term.
Examples
Your significant other or child being all nicey-nice when they want you to do a favor for them.
Your child or significant other whining when you ask them to do something they don't want to in hopes you'll drop it.
A friend badmouthing a restaurant when what they really want it to have somewhere else chosen.
Gaslighting
Used to disabled destroy or otherwise render the other person more compliant with little regard for the other's welfare.
This is usually covert or subtle manipulation, meant to keep you from picking up on it.
This is usually done with disrespect and/or contempt towards the victim of it.
The focus is usually longer term.
Examples
You are the problem: When you call and complain to a company about observably poor service or quality and they say "we are sorry you feel that way". As if the real problem is that you are upset or calling out the problem.
You can't do or say anything right: You are always challenged by parent, friend, child or other on your actions or take on everything (and it is clear that they aren't just trying to learn). See the 98% rule: someone has to take blame... Sometimes, it is just your opinion, take or feelings, but the other person seems to always take the alternative position. When called out, they may claim that they are "playing devil's advocate"
It's just your imagination: When you bring up a common experiences from years ago and they act like it never happened (and you know they don't have a bad memory or dementia). Or someone gradually and inconspicuously lowers the lighting, the cooling or the warming and you say it is dark, cool or hot in here and they say act like you are crazy.
If you are wanting a lifeline, go to someone else: When you speak on something that is pretty common knowledge and struggle to get your precise words out and they look at you like what's wrong with you or I have no idea what you are talking about. That is it should be obvious from context what you mean, but they look at you like you are speaking an unknown foreign language. This can either be to subtly mess with your mind or a form of contempt whereby instead of tossing you a lifeline, they walk away and let you fall on your face.
Of course you did well, but what about him/her: When you do well and the other party acknowledges it for a moment but then puts their focus on those who did better without acknowledging the shift in focus.
