Gaslights: Not just on our streets or in our yards, but in our society.

A number of years ago, I was talking to a friend and he referenced the term 'gaslighting'.  I'd never heard the term before and of course was intrigued.  My understanding was that it is a psychological tool by which someone tries to covertly manipulate another into doubting themselves such that they gain some sort of advantage over the other.

Wikipedia describes it as this:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

I've seen this in relationships and at times wondered if this was present in my family of origin.  The following are ways I see it differently than "garden-variety" or simple manipulation.

Simple Manipulation

• You want your way, but aren't trying to disable or shutdown the other person in the process.  In other words, not purposely abusive.
• It may be overt.  It can be subtle, but it can be blatant too.
• It can be done out of fear or self-protection, but not usually out of downright contempt or throwing responsibility on the other.
• The focus of it is usually shorter term. 
• Examples
• Your significant other or child being all nicey-nice when they want you to do a favor for them.
• Your child or significant other whining when you ask them to do something they don't want to in hopes you'll drop it.
• A friend badmouthing a restaurant when what they really want it to have somewhere else chosen.

Gaslighting

• Used to disabled destroy or otherwise render the other person more compliant with little regard for the other's welfare.
• This is usually covert or subtle manipulation, meant to keep you from picking up on it.
• This is usually done with disrespect and/or contempt towards the victim of it.
• The focus is usually longer term.
• Examples
• You are the problem:  When you call and complain to a company about observably poor service or quality and they say "we are sorry you feel that way".  As if the real problem is that you are upset or calling out the problem.
• You can't do or say anything right: You are always challenged by parent, friend, child or other on your actions or take on everything (and it is clear that they aren't just trying to learn).  See the 98% rule: someone has to take blame...  Sometimes, it is just your opinion, take or feelings, but the other person seems to always take the alternative position.  When called out, they may claim that they are "playing devil's advocate"
• It's just your imagination: When you bring up a common experiences from years ago and they act like it never happened (and you know they don't have a bad memory or dementia).  Or someone gradually and inconspicuously lowers the lighting, the cooling or the warming and you say it is dark, cool or hot in here and they say act like you are crazy.
• If you are wanting a lifeline, go to someone else: When you speak on something that is pretty common knowledge and struggle to get your precise words out and they look at you like what's wrong with you or I have no idea what you are talking about.  That is it should be obvious from context what you mean, but they look at you like you are speaking an unknown foreign language.  This can either be to subtly mess with your mind or a form of contempt whereby instead of tossing you a lifeline, they walk away and let you fall on your face.
• Of course you did well, but what about him/her:  When you do well and the other party acknowledges it for a moment but then puts their focus on those who did better without acknowledging the shift in focus.

Whether it is simple manipulation or gaslighting, it is a control issue.  Gaslighting is just usually a form of manipulation that is more subtle and more malevolent.  If you get anything from this post, please read the following that touch upon the subject of manipulation and control.

98% rule: someone has to take blame...
Giving in relationships: Controller rescuer, fixer rescuer, useful partnership OR healthy supportive?
How to Save Yourself Without Drowning Others
Boxing others into our expectations
Control Freaks: Top down vs. bottom up.
Art of the Apology: Saying sorry without meaning it.

--

I will make one caveat.  I think sometimes, when defending themselves, that people sometimes do what looks like gaslighting in a bid to protect themselves.  That is change the subject and 'talk about their concerns about you' to get the focus off themselves.  If done defensively, I'm not sure I'd call it gaslighting, but rather self-preserving manipulation. 

So next time you have a legitimate complaint and the other party says, "I'm sorry you were offended or feel that way", make sure to remind them that the subject of the complaint is the issue, not how you feel.

Just my thoughts,
Rich