Knowing when to smile at ignorance and when to fight it.

I was searching for a song or video via Google and YouTube the other day and I ran across a song and lyrics that I hadn't listen to in a long time.  Many moons ago, Sting wrote and sang on his second album a song called An Englishmen in New York.   One line that stood out in that song was "It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile".   I've never forgot that line.  As a kid with low self-esteem, a dad with a dominant personality and four older siblings, I was trained to accept ignorance. Now I didn't smile, but I accepted it, but never forgot it.  As I left my family of origin, got older, got success under my belt and became a parent, I became more assertive and advocated for myself more.  I've detailed how 2011  was a pivotal year in my life.  I lost a long-time job, my first marriage crumbled, I was well on my way to bankruptcy and losing my house and probably most importantly my closest sibling took his own life.  The last event as much as anything broke the dam in terms of me having any serious reservations about standing up for myself.  I realized he never truly stood up for himself properly which cost him the possibility of healthy relationships (and a family of his own), career and financial success and most importantly his dignity.  It's been nearing 9 years, but I still miss him.  I digress, however.

My brother's death, along with the hardships I was going through at the time woke me up to something: The cost of not advocating for one's self properly.   He'd been ridiculed as child, had been take advantage/abused as a child and an adult, had been overlooked as a possible companion and been overlooked as a valuable contributor for a job that suited his intellectual gifts.  All of this weighed on him heavily.  When financial hardship that threatened his ability to 'make it' came, it was just too much for him.  It cost him his life.  I'd been subjected to much of the same thing he had and yet I some how 'made it'.  However, as I previously mentioned, it was not a banner time for me either.  It woke me up.  The old Rich that tolerated any ignorance, slights, being minimized, ignored or shut down and/or being taken advantage of, disappeared quickly.  I was angry for my brother and I realized my role as a dad, especially that I hoped my daughter could be proud of was at stake.  Some that had known me for a long time were surprised by the transformation.  Some were not ready to accept it and I had to 'remind' them that the old me had been sent packing.  This was good and bad.   Obviously, this had been long in the making and had been long overdue.  However, the anger at what happened with my brother, my slights and the slights to my family--including family of origin--drove me.   If I were honest, I'm still processing some of it.  The toxic political climate of the past decade (or two) hasn't helped either, but I digress.  

This all leads to a question.   What is the proper balance between suffering ignorance and fighting it?  I'm not going to pretend I have the right answer or that this is not a work in progress for me.  But then again, that answer may be different for different people.  So, I'm going to explore this subject a little bit, throw out a few ideas and leave it up to the reader to figure out their sweet spot.

Before I delve further let me define ignorance.

• Slights
• Insults/Slanders/Libels/Taunts
• Threats
• Negative actions

Continuing on...  When should I smile and when should I refrain from smiling?

A TIME TO SMILE AND TIME TO REFRAIN FROM SMILING

• Does the ignorance harm you only?
• I believe many people will tell you they can roll with punches.  However, when the ignorance is directed at their loved ones, especially their children, it seems to be a different story. In that case, I believe most people push back more.
• I believe when it is directed at the ones you love, especially where they are looking at you for protection, it is more permissible to engage it to defend on their behalf. 
• I would consider however, if I am undermining them jumping in. 
• Sometimes, they need to practice or learn how to defend themselves.

• How much harm would tolerating the ignorance cause?
• Will the person delivering the ignorance be seen as petty, insignificant and harmless?   If so, it may not be worth the trouble as you could literally get caught up with these types every day.
• Put another way, is the cause even worth it?
• Could the ignorance undermine your authority or cause harm to you, loved ones or your 'neighbors'.   If so, challenging the ignorance may not only be a tolerable course of action, but actually the responsible course of action. 

•  How much harm could fighting the ignorance lead to?
• Is the ignorance too strong to fight at that point?
• Sometimes the timing just isn't right.  Considering fighting the battle another day. 
• Will fighting the ignorance put an end to it have little impact or could it just make things much worse.  
• Sometimes the person who tailgates you and then cuts you off won't learn anything if you lay on the horn.  It won't stop him or her from cutting you again or others.
• Sometimes engaging the idiot driver who cuts you off, could cause further problems on the road.  He or she might get pissed off that you are 'calling them' out and slam on their brakes.
  
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In the Bible, my Higher Power (God) states:
There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens  (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

So yes, there is a time to suffer ignorance and smile and a time to call it out.  A man (woman) will tend to have a better idea of the timing.  In society today, we could literally spend our time stewing in or dealing with the ignorances we are subjected to every day, but that doesn't move us forward.  That keeps us stuck in the anger and/or resentment.  So, it is best to consider the cost/benefit of suffering ignorance quietly vs. the cost of engaging it and calling it out.

Just some thoughts. 

-- Rich