Accepting people even when you don't fully understand or appreciate them.

I won't go into much detail for anonymity reasons, but I became aware of a family that had faced a very sad circumstance in their life.  They were culturally very different from me.  I had had some experience (and friendships) from people of that culture.  However, those around me hadn't necessarily had the same.  So, not everyone in my circle fully appreciated the family's reaction to their sad circumstance.  When you broke down their reaction, the family's reaction is quite logical.   Fully embracing it publicly could, at least in theory, involve the loss of face.  Besides, as I discovered with the loss of my dad, mom and closest sibling in recent years, life and its grind and responsibilities do not stop just because you face hardship. 

Putting myself in the family's situation, I am sure I would react differently.   Part of me says, they weren't really reacting well.  However, as I have noted in prior posts, our reactions to life circumstance don't always follow script.   For example, love and grief do not always abide by what is expected or even necessarily socially acceptable.  I have to consider that maybe they are handling thing the way their life needs require them to, especially in light of their particular culture.

This gets to a larger point.  We are shaped by our life experiences.  We are shaped by who we grow up around and who we spend time around and the cultural influences we listen to.   This shapes the way we think and the way we read or interpret situations or people.   For example, if you grow up in an environment in which people are often duplicitous and will not necessarily tell you how they feel (or feel about you) to your face, you will be caught off guard when you run into people who are more honest and say what they think straight to your face.

Unfortunately, in our society, for worse or better, our life experiences, can limit us to understanding others who fall outside our familiarity zone.   For example, if a family member died doing something they shouldn't one family might quietly bury that person with little fanfare or acknowledgement.  The circumstances surrounding the death might bring too much 'shame' to the family and negative publicity in 'their community'.  So, they quietly handle it and move on.   That is their way of coping and surviving in their community, their circle.  They are probably broken up about it, but they also know they have to carry on.   Another family might publicly acknowledge their loved ones' flaws, how they missed the signs and even tell their story in hopes that other families don't have to go through the same heartache.  People not understanding the culture of the first family might see them as coldhearted and be totally oblivious to the pain they are masking and the obstacles they face to fit in.

Personally, often I am a very private person.  My father was a very private person.   There were things that happened in my formative years additionally which shaped this aspect of my personality which I won't get into here.   However, one thing I will mention is this: I have dealt with anxiety disorder since I was 17.   It used to be very debilitating, but between gaining confidence, learning coping skills and having access medicine to combat it, I have learned to cope with it such that I can live a 'normal' life.  That being said, one of my coping skills is being able--to a degree--to compartmentalize that which is bothering me (and that I cannot resolve immediately).  Part of being able to compartmentalize or set aside that which is bothering me is not continually talking about it.  If I am talking about it all the time, I am forced to focus on it straight on and that can cause me excess stress and anxiety, where it is not necessarily productive.   Now, if discover a story or article, find a person who might be helpful and/or have experienced the same issue or problem or have an epiphany on it, I will bring the issue or circumstance to the forefront and discuss or consider it, even if it ramps up my anxiety.   But, I will not keep on bringing up the issue or circumstance constantly when doing so will cause me too much anxiety without any real advancement towards a solution.

A lot of people in this circumstance find a need to 'vent' to find a way to get rid of their anxiety.   They might see the way I handle it as bottling it up or worse they may perceive that my lake of 'venting' implies that I don't care.  That would be the furthest thing from the truth.  Just as I see too much 'venting' as unproductive, stressful and a waste of energy, they might view the relative silence on my part incorrectly and even showing a lack of concern.   My environment and my circumstances shaped me a certain way, not necessarily right or wrong.  Others' shapes them a different way, not necessarily right or wrong.  

I have known people addicted to the bottle and/or drugs, people who have no exposure to either of that in their life may see those people as 'irresponsible' or 'not caring enough' or just some variation of being a 'bad person'.   Yes, there are some people who are sociopaths (or psychopaths) who really don't care about others and will do whatever they want just to 'feel good' and don't care who it affects or who is hurt in the process.  But, with a background that included CSA (childhood sexual abuse), family dysfunction (stemming from at least my grandparents, if not further) and seeing similar issues in others, I know that people do things to try to escape the pain of their traumas, often times not understanding the risk when they start it.  With a relatively healthy childhood and circumstance, this may be hard to full appreciate.   This doesn't mean you accept or condone destructive behavior, but what it does mean is you just classify those who engage in it as selfish, non-caring, narcissist, or sociopath's without knowing the road they've traveled.

I grew up lower-middle/working class.  So, when I hear about a young man or women from a rich and prestigious who are throwing their life away, I can't necessarily relate.  Many assume that if they just have means, life would be totally better and relatively problem free.  However, imagine you grow up in a family with means, but with it you have so much expected of you.   You are expected to join the family practice, business, or become a doctor/lawyer/etc.   You are expected at all times to be on perfect behavior because your name is prominent in the community.   You have all kinds of people who wish to be your 'friend' and you don't really know if it is because they find you interesting or believe that doing so could help them get ahead.   Imagine, you are a person who is not cut out for this, imagine the pressures to succeed put on you by your 'family name' by your family and society, imagine the pressure they put on you to do what they think you should do and not what you necessarily want to, imagine wondering if people are your friends for what they think being such might help them.  Beyond that, we don't always know what demons might hide behind family portrait.  So, I try to listen to their story before I go to the "POOR RICH SPOILED KID" mantra.

--

Our life experiences are helpful to us in understanding other people and their circumstances.  However, we have to be careful not to let them limit us in understanding others, their thoughts, their ways.   Specifically, if we are not careful, we can actually get to a place where we judge others' thoughts and ways as ridiculous, invalid or illegitimate.  Unless we are completely insulated in our own cocoon or echo chamber, we are likely going to find people whose life experiences and/or individual circumstances have led them to thinking, believing, responding and/or behaving in a way different to us.  The point is we may not completely understand them, but if they are important to us, we will accept them even when while we are still working on understanding them.  Just like we wouldn't want them to put them into a box of 'their understanding' of us based on their experiences, we should not put them in a box based on 'our understanding' based on our own experiences.

Controlling your life starts with controlling you

You know sometimes you start a blog post about an idea that hits you that you can relate to and before you know it, it becomes deeply personal to the point of being a little vulnerable.  But, here goes.  As a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor who was raised in a dysfunctional home with alcoholism and domestic violence, I became aware at a young age of idea of powerlessness and the idea of having any control over anything was ridiculous to me.   Add to that the fact that our house looked run down and just not generally presentable, that I wore worn clothes to school, that I was bullied and that I never felt like I fit in and then you can see even more clearly why I would feel that way.

Had someone said control starts with you, I would have laughed at them.  The idea of 'being in control' would have sounded utterly absurd to me.   As previously mentioned, I didn't have control over what I could wear or what eat, the home in which I live in and its state of repair or disrepair.   In my house, I didn't have control over the dysfunction--the yelling, the screaming, in some cases the domestic violence.  On my person, I didn't have control over the sexual abuse that happened to me and the bullying in the neighborhood and at school.   So, to me the idea to me that I controlled anything would have met with like a "yeah, right" type stare.  Before I go on, I just want to state that I'm not focused on what I "didn't have" but am setting up a point.   I do realize that I am still fortunate in some ways living in the wealthiest country in the world.   But, I digress.  I didn't realize it then, but I realize these days that in some ways I had much more control than I understood. 

Let's move forward into my adulthood.   I was always the 'peacemaker' which in some ways is another way of saying "approval seeker" or "people pleaser".   I had started that role in my childhood and played that role in my adult life too.  It didn't help that I developed a moderate to severe anxiety condition as a 17 year old and as such sought calm as a result.  In any case,  this desire for approval (or better yet to not be disliked) led me to not properly stand up for myself.   I didn't stand up for myself as a kid and as a young adult I continued this pattern.  In some ways, I let those closest to me continued to control me by using my need for approval and my need not to be disliked or unwanted.   So, in some ways to me it felt like a progression from my childhood with the manipulation and being controlled that was part of needing acceptance.

--

Despite having the sense of 'powerlessness' in my early years and my earlier adulthood,  I believe I gradually have awakened to a different view or perspective of control (or power).  I used to be view power or control as:

• Something that is given or allowed.  
• Something we have to grab aggressively to gain.
• Necessarily involve or interact with that which is outside out.

I've seen the results of a child who had everything taken from him.  This child ended up being a bully.  He felt like he needed to try to control others to gain control himself.  Instead of realizing that he was just a kid and as such his authority was limited, he felt like he needed be pushy with adults to get his way and he needed to demand that he get to do what or get he wanted when he wanted.   When he felt his 'authority' being challenged he would get belligerent.  When he felt like what he had was at risk, even if that wasn't the case, he felt the need to make proactive threats.  In short, he was relying on trying to control others, being aggressive to get and 'keep' power, and blatantly involving outside forces.  As you might imagine this didn't work out well for him.   If anything he pushed others away, he tended to not get what he wanted in the long run and in many ways lost some of the control or power he had had.  In short, he represented the downfall of viewing power the way I had.

As I've grown and matured, I've come to realize that power or control can be:

• That which we can implicitly gain or earn.
• That which we can find within ourselves.
• It isn't necessarily something we are given or allowed, but what we own.

As a teen, when my parents divorced, I was my dad's helper.  He wasn't very good at the 'bachelor' thing.  I had somewhat taken over cooking near the end of my parent's marriage as my mom spent a lot of time out trying to escape her unhappiness.  My dad noted this and when they got divorced, I had 'earned' the role of cooking and shopping.  For someone who didn't feel like he had any control that is pretty significant.  I had gained my dad's trust in 'taking care of' the house in some ways.

While I've had to push back on family and friends who I felt took me for granted or in some cases took advantage and had to assert control.  I've come to realize that control also comes is not necessarily asserting power externally.  For this young person I'd met, he often didn't think his behaviors through.  He was captive to his emotions.  In other words, he wasn't even in control of himself.   Often times, control is as simple as making a decision not to let your emotions rule and ruin your day as well as cause conflict.  In other words, control in your life is to put yourself in the best position to succeed.  When I trained over the summer running during high school, I exhibited control.  Running was never easy, especially by myself.  But, in order to perform well, I would have to do that which was not comfortable.  In a sense, I made a conscience decision to control my actions and in the process exert control over my own future (performance).  In short, control here is a conscience decision to what I needed to and try to avoid doing things which were harmful to me.

When my daughter's mom was pregnant with her, often I didn't feel like I was given the respect or taken as seriously as I should have been.  I had wondered exactly how I would the "parenting authority".  In time, I came to realize it does not have to be something that I would given.  Such as voters give to the winning candidate for public office.  Nor does it have to be something allowed, like my parents letting me hang out with my friends.  What I realized in time was this little person, my infant daughter was learning something profound.  In her own infant (and then toddler way), she sensed that her parents were taking care of her, were meeting her needs,  we being supportive of her.   We didn't really ask for permission so much as we accepted the role of parents.   We owned our responsibility.  In her own way our baby/infant daughter had learned that she should mind us as she 'knew' that we were there to meet her needs.  So, we owned the role and therefore the power or authority that comes with it. 

--

So, what is my takeaways?

• When someone in your life tries to control you, to a large degree the control over you is what you allow or tolerate from them.
• Control doesn't need to be something achieved via threats over others.  It is best achieved or earned by doing the right things for the right reason and therefore gaining authority or power with that role. 
• You can't control how people treat you, but you can control your response.  You can influence your outcomes positively with control of yourself.

Anyway, just another perspective on control when others in position of power raise endless sum of money trying to essentially 'buy' it.   In many regards we are more free than those who seek to gain power.  

Thanks for reading and I hope you took something from it.

Sincerely,

Rich