Rolling Stops: Skirting Along the Edge of Disaster

A counselor years ago told me that healthy people view bad choices or decisions as stop signs and take heed of them.   From what I understand, have heard and seen, a full-blown addict will either not see the stop sign, deny the stop sign exists or just resign themselves to the fact the 'brakes are shot' and not make a serious attempt to stop. 

That is to say, they

• Will not see the choice or decision they are making as bad (delusional)
• I'm stopping in for one drink to celebrate with friends.
• They cannot see them that one drink leads to another and before you know it, you are being carried out drunk.
• Will minimize the impact of the choices or decision they make (denial) 
• No one will know if I lie/steal/cheat.
• The problem is even if no one else knows--which often is no accurate anyway--such behavior changes who you are.
• Will know the stop sign is there and say well there's nothing I can do anyway (resignation). 
• What does it matter if I gamble my last bit of money, I'm screwed anyway.
• They cannot see that even in a bad situation that looks hopeless, that you can make it worse.
• This is fatalistic.

Like many people, I've done what law enforcement would consider a rolling stop.  After one particular time, it occurred to me, some people do actually see the rhetorical stop sign and heed it (mostly).   They know there is a stop sign and they know proceeding without hesitating or making an attempt to checking if it is safe to go into the intersection is bad.   They know it is a disaster waiting to happen.  So, they stop short of just running the stop sign and look out for oncoming traffic before finishing their pause.  In reality they are tempting fate.  That is to say, they catch the danger most of the time and are able to stop their momentum and do a complete stop if necessary.  However, it just takes one time of rolling at stop and misjudging traffic to get hit by another car they've missed after a quick glance.  To me this describes a person with some addictive or at-risk tendencies.  Like a recovering alcoholic who drives by a bar he used to frequent when he has an a good alternative route or a recovering gambler who carries too much cash on him as he passes by the casino, they are just asking for trouble.   They may be able to resist feeding their addiction, for a day, a week, a month or a year or more, but eventually they are a putting themselves in a dangerous position of relapsing.   Yes, they may be able to get away with their 'rolling stop' for a long while, but eventually they risk getting 'hit' by their addiction. 

As always my posts are a reflection of my experiences, the experiences of those surrounding me or my observations about the world that surrounds me and it they aren't meant to be considered scientific research or indisputable fact.  However, I am always hopeful that through my words, others will find comfort, relate-ability or just a different or new perspective.

Thanks for reading and remember: it is better to follow the 'rules' and always practice doing a full stop, so when it is time that it is absolutely necessary to do a full stop you will be so practiced at it, that you will be likely to make the wisest choice under pressure.

Cheers,
Rich

Chasing the Elusive Cup

Anyone who is familiar with sports in general and hockey in particular realizes that the Stanley Cup is the possibly the hardest championship hardware in sports to win.  Literally some teams have gone decades without winning the Cup.  My team, the St. Louis Blues, just ended the longest Stanley Cup drought in the NHL by winning this year (2019) and it wasn't for lack of trying over the years.  Anyway, it has been a few weeks since they closed out the series and hoisted the Cup and I have been jazzed up about it since.  If I am having a bad day or just sad, I just go to clips from game 7, read one of the personal interest stories or watch a little of the parade and that's like a bit of an adrenaline shot into my arm.  The mood lifts for a bit.  So, it occurred to me, the elation of their victory and everything associated with it, IS my current drug of choice.  As I've been a huge fan of the Blues for decades, I have devoted countless fan hours, fan passion, fan intensity and in many cases fan cash into the team.  While fans love their team, let's face it, we all seek to see them win a championship.  We devote more time, energy, intensity and money into our team when they are winning.  We do it for love, but we also do it for the ultimate high of reveling in our team's championship run and victory.  For the most part, this is a healthy 'drug'.  But, it got me to thinking...  Are we chasing the elusive Cup and all it promises?  Have we got a taste of the Cup in our lives and are we seeking it at a high cost?

It's very simple from what I see...

Chasing the Cup

• We are chasing the ultimate high, the ultimate lift, the ultimate diversion, the ultimate medication.  We are chasing a dream and all its promises.  Sometimes it lives up to the promises, but sometimes it doesn't.
• We spend countless hours in pursuit.   With our favorite hockey team, we attend games, we listen to/watch broadcasts,  we follow the team, we read the stories, and we just generally think about how we'd love to see them win it all.   In other words, we sacrifice monetarily, timewise, emotionally and in other ways while we ride our team's journey in hopes of getting the ultimate high, the Stanley Cup.  If drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, obsessive eating or something similar is our "Stanley Cup", we will pursue our Cup usually sacrificing much (or in some cases all) in hopes of 'capturing the elusive Cup' high.  
• The first Cup, like the first buzz for an alcoholic, like the first high for the drug addict, like their first love for a love addict, can be the ultimate high.

Trying to recapture the Cup

• Once we've had a taste of the 'Cup' and we've receded from the high back to the stresses, the worries, and the daily grind of our lives, we wish to taste the Cup again.   We wish to live it again.  We wish to have the good feelings, the good vibes, the thrill and ecstasy of victory.  In short, we wish to replace the feelings we have with the high.
• The Cup gave us an illusion of what it could always be IF only...   In our mind, we know we can't live the Cup.  We know there is no shortcut to happiness/contentment except living the life we are supposed to.   In other words, we can't seek the feeling of the Cup in our lives with shortcuts like drugs, alcohol, etc.   We have to accept that life is work and there are some nice points.  We have to enjoy the nice points, but we can't live in them, demand them or just seek them the wrong way.
• We can't throw everything else aside in our pursuit of the Cup.  It is a noble goal to pursue the Cup in our daily lives, but we can't sacrifice everything else in hopes of capturing that elusive feeling, that fleeting high.  It doesn't mean we can't pursue the high points, but we've got to enjoy the journey along the way and make sure we aren't sacrificing too much in the process.   
• It's nice to have those good feelings--the first/teenage type love, the unexpected good night playing the slots, the vacation in paradise, celebrating with a night on the town.  But we have to keep things in perspective.  Some experiences in life come only once, come rarely and/or randomly, or are costly/unhealthy to grasp for.   If we celebrate a little too hard the Stanley Cup and we feel really good in the process, we need to accept that we can't live the celebration.  If we win at the casino, we have to enjoy our good fortune and not come to expect that it will happen readily.  If we enjoy our trip to Cancun, we have to realize that is something we can't just try to seek yearly.  If we remember our first love and how good that felt then, we can't seek to duplicate it, when the responsibilities of adulthood, family and relationships become work.
• That doesn't mean we can't have the good feelings again.
• We just have to have perspective and the bigger picture.
• We have to realize that some things cannot be repeated no matter how much you want to.
• We have to realize that some good feelings, experiences will happen again, it just may not come in the time, form or certainty that is hoped for.

Now before I wrap it up, I don't want to leave with the impression that we need to kiss all happiness, good times, experiences, or certainty to the curb.  We can still go to our favorite restaurants or watch our favorite movies from time to time, for example.  We can still have the joy that the certainty of repeating pleasant experiences will bring us.   It is more an understanding that of cost...

• Which experiences are healthy to seek repeatedly?
• Which experiences can we 'afford' to seek repeatedly?  (cost is not always just money)
• Will we be willing to accept when it is time to switch it up and not try to hang on for dear life to the known?

Just some thoughts.   It is good to seek the Cup and if you get your Cup, much of the time it is okay to seek it again.  But, don't be blind to everything else in pursuit of it.

Anakin was an Addict: From At-Risk to Full-Blown Addict to Recovery

I spent a lot of time last Fall (2018) camping with my stepson and his den-leader mom.  So, naturally, I got to see first hand the emotions and behaviors of preteen and single digit age boys.  Each kid has their own angst, drama, concerns and/or things that make them tick.   For one kid it might be the worry about being excluded, for another it might be body image issues, for another it might be proving that he is 'macho' enough.   In any case, as with all kids and boys specifically they each have their concerns and which can get elevated to fear or anxiety.

So, as my mind is apt to wonder, I got to thinking about another young lad, in a galaxy far, far away.  His name was Anakin Skywalker.   In some ways, he was a typical young man, but in other ways not so much.   He was an at-risk young man who ultimately fell victim to his inner demons, becoming an addict.  Unfortunately, as is the case with addiction, he wasn't the only victim.  In fact, in the Star Wars world, his addiction led to an untold number of victims.

From what I see here is his progression:

At-Risk Adolescent

• He was born into slavery.   Not only did he have to mind his mom, but ultimately, he had to mind their master.  In other words, he had little control or say.
• When he won his freedom, with the help of Obi-Wan, he was not able to win the freedom of his mom.  Once again, little control.  He was happy to have his freedom, but he took on a greater fear too.
• Upon winning his freedom and going with Obi-Wan, he was thrust into a galactic conflict.  As a matter of fact, once Obi-Wan crossed his path, he probably lost his ability to stay out of the conflict.  Definitely once they ran across Darth Maul, he was destined to be part of the conflict.  In other words, he lost his ability to stay neutral.  That is he lost control again.
• When Senator Palpatine aka "The Emperor" took a strong interest in him, he was effectively, unbeknownst to others, in the sights of a predator.  Effectively, the Senator was in a position to 'groom' Anakin towards the Dark Side.  This is yet another degree of control he had unknowingly lost.

Transition or Turning Point(s)

• He had visions of his mom's suffering.  This tormented him and helped feed his feeling of helpless.  These visions helped him from being at risk and an impending addict.
• When he was finally in a position to address his mom's situation, he discovered that she was in trouble.  Furthermore, he eventually discovered that he was too late to help her.  Her fate had been sealed.  His fear was fully realized and his anger was engaged.  His addiction to anger and power had finally started to be engaged.   
• While he had wished for power (control), he had accepted that he did not have it or shouldn't try to seize it.   Seeing his mom tortured and left to die at the hands of the sand people pushed him over the edge for the first time.  He engaged his anger addiction, a prelude to his addiction for power (control).
• It wasn't just those who abused his mom that suffered as a result, but it was the innocents among them that faced his wrath.   He not only killed the warriors responsible, but he wiped out the whole village of Sand People.  It this point, he was on a collision course with his anger addiction.
• Senator Palpatine reveals to Anakin his knowledge of The Dark Side and later that he is a Sith Lord.  He first reveals to Anankin the legend of Darth Plageuis, who supposedly could cheat death of those he cared about.  This fed right into Anakin's desire to protect Padme from dying, unlike that which he didn't with his own mom.

Full-Blown Addict

• After Anakin informed Windu and three other members of the Jedi Council of Palpatine's true identity, they come to arrest the Senator.  Palpatine quickly dispatches the other three and engages Windu.  Windu gets the upper hand and when Anakin arrives he pleads with him to spare Palpatine.  When it is clear Windu will not.  Anakin panics striking Windu to leave him helpless and Palpatine dispenses with him.
• Anakin's fear got the best of him.  He is afraid with Palpatine's death will come his inability to protect and save Padme.  In a moment of weakness, he 'acts out' and helps the Sith Lord.
• Gripped by what he has done and that he effectively chosen sides he takes his place as Palpatine's apprentice, that is of a young Sith Lord loyal to his Sith Master, becoming Darth Vader.
• Anakin is compelled then to destroy the Jedi with a contingent, including attacking the Temple and slaughtering all including the younglings.  His conversion is complete.  He not only protected the Emperor, but is doing his bidding.  He is effectively going on bender like a full-blown addict, embracing his role as Darth Vader.
• Anakin takes his place besides the Emperor, ruling the galaxy with an iron hand and wiping out those who pose a threat.

Recovery

• Anakin (aka Darth Vader) throughout Episodes IV to VI is forced to confront his who he has become.  He is forced to face that fact that he has turned his back on his offspring.
• As he confronts his son Luke, he hesitates for a moment.   He still fights his son, but it is becoming increasingly clear that he is conflicted.  Even the Emperor senses that and goads him to prove his loyalty to him.
• In the climax the Emperor gets a hold of Luke and is in the process of destroying him with his Force Lightening.  After hesitation, Dark Vader, once again become a 'good guy' again.  He takes Emperor Palpatine and tosses him to his apparent death, redeeming himself.  
• Effectively in a moment, Anakin has began the road to recovery.
• He died shortly thereafter, and as evidenced by his showing up as a Force Ghost, his recovery and redemption was complete.

I believe each of us has a story within us.  Few as profound as the life and time and the path of Anakin Skywalker, but nontheless,  we have our moments in time, our path.   I believe we have our times in which we are disposed to make bad choices, a turning point in which we are poised make a bad choice or two or many, a decision or push to make those bad choices and an opportunity for redemption.   For most people, the path is not that severe.  For many it is a small path.  But, for some it is a big path which encompasses our lives.

Each of us has our own inner Anakin.  Invariably we will make a bad choice or two or two dozen or so.   However, what ultimately determines who we are in not necessarily the bad choices we make, but how we choose to redeem ourselves.   Do we choose to go along the bad path or to right ourselves.  We can have others guide us along the way, but only we can make the final decision.

Just some thoughts and my 200th blog post.

- Rich