Closer to Me: Breaking the deadlock.

I don't know if I stumbled upon it while listening to music on YouTube or if I heard it when I was listening to XM radio in my car, but I heard a song that I hadn't heard in a while: Get Closer by Seals and Croft.   It's funny thing about songs: You can listen to them over and over, over time and like the sound as played and sang by the artists, but not really "hear" them.  I found that to be the case the case with this song.

This song is a little melancholy.  It hear a bit of a pleading.  He's wanting to be close to with his significant other, but he doesn't seem to be able to do at the current time.  It's like he needs some give from her.   It's like they are in a rut and he can't put himself out there for her until he knows it is 'safe' for him too.  Below is some of the lyrics.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to love, love only you, then love only me.

Darlin' if you want me to see, see only you, then see only me.

There's a line, I can't cross over. It's no good for me and it's no good for you.

And there's a feelin', deep down inside me. I can't explain it and you're wondering why.

You say we've been like strangers, but I'm not the others you can wrap 'round your fingers.

There's a time, I when I would come runnin'. I'd drop everything for the touch of your hand in mine.

...

...

...

It seems like people hit that point in various relationships--friendship, family, couple relationships, etc.   People hit a rut or a point which they are stuck and can't seem to get past.   Sometimes that ends the relationship and sometimes it keeps it from growing or deepening.  

Why do we get to that point?

•  We let our fears get in the ways
• Sometimes this is justified.
• You've been hurt.  
•  Mistreated or subjected to abusive behavior.
•  By the involvement of another.  Pretty self-explanatory.
• You've been gossiped about or undercut.
• It could be involving someone else in the family or a friend in the circumstance.
• It could be by minimizing or shutting down the other or not taking their opinions, thoughts or concerns seriously.  It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but sometimes it is a sense of being heard.
• Sometimes it is not justified.
• You've been hurt by another close to you and instead of treating each person invidually, you find yourself 'fighting the last battle'.
• You are so concerned that if you don't intervene, that a problem or concern won't be addressed properly.  Once again, if you've been let down by another who failed to live up to their role or part, it can be easy to 'take control' and not want to risk that happening again as an example.
•  We let our resentments get in the way.
• If we've feel like our concerns have not been addressed or not been taken as seriously as they should be, we can just stop engaging them and resent them sometimes outwardly. 
• If we've been hurt or let down by another, we can get stuck in cycle where we focus more on the unresolved issue or the thought that the issue will show up again than how to move forward.
•  We let our pride get in the way.
• I believe what we see portray as fear or resentment, really could as much hurt pride as anything.
• If we've put ourselves out there with another and been disappointed, let down or hurt, our pride can tell us 'I deserve better'.  Sometimes that may be true, but often times it fails to take into account our role in the circumstance.  I addressed this in It's just you and me and we just disagree... 
• Sometimes it is easier to keep an "arm's length distance" from another than to put away our pride or to risk further injury to it.

So, I've talked about the causes, but what about the solution?   I don't claim to have all the answers, but I do have a few ideas.

Where there is a deadlock in a relationship:

• Set down your weapons. 
• It's hard to expect another to feel like it's safe to engage if they have the sense that engaging will lead to conflict or dissent.  
• Sometime we just have to acknowledge to the other that you are a 'safe space' for them.  This is as true when dealing with kids as other adults.  
• If you 'set down your weapons', they are more likely to do the same. 
• Show a little give or be willing to offer a lifeline.
• If someone feels like all the effort to resolve the impasse is coming from them, eventually they will tire of it and it probably won't end well.
•  If someone is struggling to find footing with you and you offer them only folded arms and not a helping hand, it's a bit difficult for them to want to engage you.  Why would engaging with another and risk falling on your face when dealing with another, when you have a choice.
• Failure to do so can come across as lack of empathy or contempt.  I think this is probably common in co-parenting relationships.  You have to deal with another when you don't necessarily want to.
• Doing so could help them to feel at least a bit of a friendly connection.
• Agree to disagree
• Sometimes, you just have to decide you'll never agree on a certain issue.  You have to decide if it is a "hill on which you die" or if it is something you set aside out of respect for the larger relationship.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, have not had enough time really consider the issue.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, are amendable to the other's point of view, but they have to 'grow into' at least accepting that point of view.

I don't claim to have all the answers and sometimes what I write are ideals that I am not perfect in implementing.  However, I at least hope to give others food for thought.  Please take from my blog post whatever you might find useful and/or what may apply.

Thanks for reading,

Rich 

Placing Sadness in the Anger Bin

According to grief.com, the Five Stages of Grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.   The idea is that you first deny the reality of that which grieves you; you are angry about what seems unfair or not right; you 'bargain' with your higher power that you'll do better if only you wake up and this horrible nightmare is over; you fall into a depression when you realize that no matter how much you wish it weren't so, there is nothing you can do to change that which grieves you and of course you accept that which you and move forward.

What I've learned along the way is the practice of 'medicine' is as much of an art as it is a science.  I believe this to be the case with psychology as well.  I believe that some models of human behavior, interactions and thought are better than others, that there is no one-sized, fits all model.  Each model has its flaws and exceptions as well as its accuracy and strengths, but I digress.  I believe the "Five Stages of Grief" model has a lot of value to it.  However, I believe the progression of grief doesn't always follow that model and frankly sometimes people never quite reach the acceptance stage.   From what I've seen some people never make it through the depression stage.  It's like they deny the loss, are angry about it, try to bargain the loss away, and hit the sadness or depression stage and struggle to handle it.

I called this post, "Placing Sadness in the Anger Bin", because essentially, the griever is at a point in which he or she should be working through the sadness, but for whatever reason, is struggling to.  What should manifest itself as Sadness or Depression instead comes out in Anger.  The sadness exists, but the griever is not processing or allowing it to fully express itself.  In my own life, this circumstance manifest itself with my brother's suicide, written in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother,

Due to the circumstances and timing in which he was found, the family was never allowed to see him after he was found.  As I worked through his belongings in his apartment that in the week that followed, a part of me expected him to walk in and gripe about what were we doing with his belongings.  It was surreal and was obviously the denial stage.  Gradually, it gave away to anger.  I knew he was struggling and did what I could to help him, but I felt the family overall had let him down.  He would 'disappear' from time to time and it seemed as if few in the family did anything more than to ask about him (from my perspective).  Had dealt with the same type of sexual abuse that I did as a kid and the struggles that come from growing up in a dysfunctional family which was unnecessarily poor and led by an alcoholic dad.  He struggled to find acceptance and had cried out for help in his teens with an overdoes on Tylenol.  From my perspective, he was largely abandoned and left to his own devices by the family.   I was angry and humiliated that as a family that we let him down.  I was angry at God I'm sure.  I was angry at myself.   I knew he was struggling and I dropped away for a little bit.  I didn't care that I was dealing with my own failing marriage, depression and unemployment.  I told myself I knew better and let him down.

In some ways, I'd wake up for a bit and just hope that this was just a bad dream and he'd show up and hoped there was a way that that could happen.  But, at my age, the 'bargain' stage didn't last too long as I am a realist.  At this point, having gotten over the shock, having worked through some anger and realized that bargaining was fruitless, I was was struggling with the sadness/depression.  Why should I have to deal with this?  Why should I have to feel this bad?   Why was I the one who was the last one in the family to attempt to be there for him?   I bounced back and forth between sadness and anger.  Eventually, I worked through the sadness and came to accept the reality of never seeing him again, but it wasn't a clean, linear five step progression.

As with the story above, I have come to realize in my life, a phenomenon.  I have seen in the life of others, especially, but not limited to kids and younger people that same phenomenon: Sadness hiding behind Anger.  That is Anger being Sadness's spokesperson, instead of Sadness speaking for itself.

• The sadness hurts. Why should I have to feel this hurt or loss?  
• The sadness leads to unexpected/uncontrolled expression sobbing or crying.  Why should we have to deal with something that makes us feel 'weak' or 'unsafe'?
• It can make us feel vulnerable or 'weak'.   Anger tells us we should be able to better deal.
• It can feel humiliating.  Crying, while healthy, is best done in a safe place.  If not done in a safe place, it can lead to humiliation.  Anger hates humiliation.
• The sadness seems never-ending.  Why won't this stage ever end?  Why can't I just move on?  Anger hates an unresolved endless repeat of the same painful story.

Anyway, from what I see, Anger serves two purposes, not necessarily healthy, but nonetheless two purposes.

• Anger can serve as seemingly less draining than working through the sadness.  
• Anger doesn't require the level of introspection and processing of sadness.  It is a raw unfiltered emotion.  Let's face it, if you don't feel like you should have to deal with sadness, anger seems to be a good option.
• Anger can serve as a way to block the sadness (at least for a time).   
• In a way, it can be seen as the emotional version of cutting.  My understanding is that the raw physical sensation of cutting serves as a distraction for emotional pain of sadness.  If you are focused on the acute physical sensation of cutting* and all it involves, for a time, the emotional hurt is overridden.  Anger can be raw and intense, and in a similar way to cutting it can overwhelm sadness the emotional hurt of sadness.

I think most people have seen instances, either portrayed in the movies or somewhere in their own lives or those around them an angry person who is lovingly embraced and proceeds to break down and cry.  While I wouldn't categorically endorse that technique in dealing with angry people, it does emphasize a point: that sadness is often underlying anger.  

I guess my takeaway is this: Before you write off someone who has anger issues at least consider that there may be more than just meets the eye.  It isn't always just some jerk who decides that hating is an acceptable way of life.  It isn't always necessarily some psychopath who has predatory anger.  Sometimes, an 'angry' person is simply a person who is trying to avoid dealing with sadness.  So, instead of placing their Sadness in the Sadness Bin, they feel more comfortable placing it in the Anger Bin.  So, before you condemn an angry person, consider that there may be a sad person inside who just needs some understanding.**

Just my thoughts,

Rich

* I understand there are other reasons behind cutting as the Mayo Clinic details.  I've known people who cut, but I never began to understand why they cut themselves UNTIL one day when I chewed a fingernail too far down on the nail bed.  I'd done this before where it caused an uncomfortable, acute pain.  But, I had found that pressing down on that fingernail until it turned white for a while would lessen or block the pain in the nail bed.  I believe my higher power gave me an insight that day.  What I was doing was substituting one pain for another less intense pain.  In other words, I was blocking pain with pain.  I realized that day that people often cut for the same reason.  They are blocking an (emotional) pain with a less intense physical one.  I realize now that perhaps anger is just another form of pain displacement.

**But don't be so foolish as to try to hug and angry person with a knife or to ignore the symptoms of 'psychotic anger'.   Personal safety comes first.  ;-)

Codependency and Letting it Go

As I have gotten older and have had time to process things in my own life and the world around me, I can come to understand things aren't always what they seem or at least there is a reason or backstory to it.   When discussing origins of codependency, if we are honest, I think we have to acknowledge our formative years are a big part of it.  In that vein, in discussing what I've learned in my own life, I have to revisit my formative years with my parents.   I always have hated when people go on a talk show and bash their parents as if their parents were big ogres who didn't care about them and ruined their lives.  Yes, I believe there are parents out there who are totally beyond the pale selfish and who never should have raised children.  However, I think in most cases parents, no matter how imperfect they are, at least try to be decent parents.  Unfortunately, many parents are a product of their own dysfunctional background.  In other words, they are at least somewhat broken.   If an artist with talent is given a fine brush, he or she is more likely to be able to produce a work of art than if he or she is given a coarse brush.  Similarly, I believe when critiquing a person's child-rearing actions, results and success, it it important to understand what tools he or she had to work with.  In this vein, I don't mean to be critical of my own parents in that regard.  They were a product of their own environment, but I have to acknowledge them to acknowledge origins of my own codependency.  Anyway, that's my disclaimer.

--

As a child of an an alcoholic father with anger problems, I was trained early on to find ways ways to keep the peace or at least to avoid 'problems' for myself.  It didn't help that my mom was codependent either. An alcoholic father and codependent mother was a combination that didn't always work well. In any case, doing my part to keep the peace meant things like:

• Staying out of my parent's conflicts.
• Avoiding Dad when he was in a bad mood.  Often that meant staying out of the way until he would go to work.
• When confronted and challenged by Dad when he was angry
•  Don't say too much.  The risk of saying the 'wrong thing' was not worth the grief that it could/would bring.  I had to determine if the confrontation was venting or an actual answer was expected.
•  When I was pressed to answer, I sometimes felt the need to acknowledge he was correct.   The question, "Is that asking too much?", often would be met with a "No" just to avoid further trouble.
• Other times, when pressed, I would carefully defend myself.  I would have to do things like
• Explain that I misunderstood and it wasn't that I meant to not to listen to him.
• Explain carefully how I did what was asked without coming across as challenging him as not getting it.

If it isn't obvious in each case, I was compelled to read the situation and respond in a way that wouldn't escalate the anger (at least that I thought wouldn't).  The irony about is I realized eventually that responding in a codependent way to a person with anger issue can be triggering for them, in which case, it's a no-win situation. However, I digress.

--

I have come to realize a few things about codependency and what it is and what it isn't.

What it is

• Trying too hard to change another's opinion of you, instead of just being yourself.
• Trying to control what other's think of you and/or how they behave to or around you.
• Tailoring your words and actions in a way to get a hoped for response rather than it being the proper thing to do or say.
• Hoped for praise (worship) or other similar positive feedback.
• Hoped for freedom from criticism.
• Shutting down your voice to avoid offending or upsetting another.
• Conceding too much to avoid a fight, where it is appropriate to advocate for yourself.

What it isn't

• Being considerate or taking the feelings of others into account.
• Recognizing the right of others to have an opinion of you, even if you don't like it and/or believe it is wrong.
• Showing that you'll advocate for or defending yourself.
• Recognizing that some battles aren't worth fighting and opting out of them.  Sometimes, you recognize limitations in dealing with certain people in your sphere and it is fruitless to engage or 'fight' them.
• Tailoring your behavior towards doing or saying the appropriate things because it is appropriate to do so.

In my opinion, getting rid of codependency means recognizing that while you can influence for or advocate for yourself, you cannot control what others think or feel about you.  It means living your life and engaging others in a way that is right and appropriate rather than manipulative, beneficial or just to avoid problems.

The Cup Overfloweth: Spilling out all the angst.

So, it occurred to me the other day that sometime when I'm very upset or annoyed, I will think about and/or express everything that has bothered me for a while instead of just focusing on the irritant of the moment.   Anyway, so I was processing why I think that happens.  I've previously addressed why some small irritation might send someone over the edge in Heavy straws & a broken camel's back.  In that post I was really speaking about meltdowns that occur when a micro-irritation presented itself.  The micro-irritation isn't really the object of the meltdown, but instead was the straw that broke the camel's back.  In other words, it is the irritant that finally destroys a 'brave front' against the thing(s) that is/are really behind the meltdown.

I guess you could say this thought is a corollary to it.   Why is it sometimes when we finally blow up with others including creditors or dealers, that we go over a list of things that have annoyed us.  It occurred to view it this way.   Each irritant is difference fluid filling up our cup (of patience) so to speak.  

When I bought my 2011 Mazda 3, the dealership didn't go down as much on price as I wanted them to.  However, just wanting to get it over with, I accepted paying a couple hundred more than I thought I should.  Anyway, the dealership advertised it as having Satellite Radio in it, which it didn't. I figured it was just because it wasn't turned on from Sirius XM.  I didn't learn otherwise until I called Sirius and we figured it had the buttons for Sirius XM, but not the underlying receiver.  I was annoyed but was willing to figure something out with them (such as them paying for a dash-mounted receiver and service for a period of time).  Also, when negotiating with them, they indicated that another employee, who wasn't present at the time, had the second key.  I didn't care too much as I figured a) I only need one key to test drive, b) I was going to pick up the car at a later point and I'd just get it then and c) they'd been in business for a number of years, so I figured they knew what they were doing.  I found the next day when I went to pick up the car, that the second key didn't work, irritating me more, but they said they'd work with me on it.  Additionally, it had been years since I bought a used car from a dealer, so they indicated they were waiting on the updated title as it was sold to them just a few days ago.  They expected it all to be resolved by within a few days.  Suffice to say it wasn't resolved by the end of the week.  Anyway, they did eventually get the updated title for me so, I got past that irritant.  In addition, I'd never included taxes in the loan and so when they said I could cash the check or sign it over to the DOR (Dept. of Revenue), I figured they knew what they were talking about.  It was a long week and I was tired and endorsed it wrong due to their instructions.   As the temporary tag period was about to expire I finally had enough and demanded to talk to the head of the used car division.  After being told that this person and that person were in a meeting and I'd have to leave a message.  I exploded and told her in no uncertain terms that I would personally go up to the dealership and wait until the highest person in charge was available.   That got her attention and she got a hold of the head of the used car division.   So, he said this isn't normally how business is done that they got the car and the staff rushed it to the sales floor before it was ready.

Next day, with a check for taxes reprinted I went to the DOR ready to title it and found it that the emissions inspection wasn't done.  Suffice to say, I lost it again and the guy in charge said, he'd 'find the paperwork'.  Which meant, we will do the emissions inspection.  I could have called them out on their lack of candor, but since they did the emissions inspection right then and there, I dropped the thought.  They apologized profusely for the whole experience and I ultimately forgave them as I didn't want to stay mad. 

Think of each screw-up a being a small cup which contained different flavored drinks.   Each when added to the a larger cup, would mix together.  Now think of the larger cup being almost full.  If you continued to add small cupful to it, it will spill over.   It wouldn't just spill over the one last flavor, but it would spill over all the flavor that had been mixed in.  The larger cup represents the overall patience I had.  Each small cup represented a screw-up that exhausted some of my patience.  When added, just like the smaller cupfuls would disturb the contents of the larger, cup, each screw-up would irritate me a little more.  The final screw-up not only disturbed the contents of the larger cup, but it caused the larger cup to overflow.  When my patience was exhausted, just like part of each of the flavors would come spilling out, each screw-up came spilling up of mouth when I let the used car manager have it.

Maybe it's just like that for a lot of people, they can take this hit or that hit and seemingly keep their cool, but each hit really tends to pile on.  If they hadn't had a chance to properly digest the individual hits before they piled on, when their patience is finally exhausted they'd address each hit to their patience.

Anyway, just some thoughts for the day.  Hopefully this makes a little sense.  As always thanks for reading and feel free to take from the post whatever might find helpful.

Cheers,
Rich

The 3-Legged Stool: Difficulty in Shaking off Narcissists

I was discussing with my wife recently about why I believe abuse survivors can have a harder time shaking off encounters with a narcissists, specifically those who attempt to control or and/or use belligerence to dominate.  For her it, the solution was to simply ignore the person.  In other words, if the person gives you 'unwanted advice', tries to 'suggest' (aka TELL) you what to do or some attempt at shaming, you either a) humor them or b) just totally ignore them or blow them off.  In other words, don't let them have any 'real estate in your head'.

Now anyone who has ever has ever 'survived' dealing with narcissists, especially those in a position of power over them and/or present in their childhood, probably knows what I am talking about.

In many cases ignoring or humoring them is very sound advice. This is especially true IMHO where their interaction with you doesn't undermine your authority in an appreciable way.  In other words, some things just aren't worth getting riled up over risking a fight.  However, I believe to someone who is an abuse/attack survivor, might find it hard to 'let it go' so to speak.

Her argument was that her dad could be a dominant personality and she was able to stand up for myself.   I understand her point and was struggling to find a way to help her understand.  I tried to find a way to answer why I react more passionately and get more upset when I am completely disrespected or controlled.  I finally stumbled upon an idea.   A table or stool with three legs is harder to collapse or flip over than those with fewer.  That is to say the more destructive factors you've had in your life, the less likely it is that you'll be able to 'let it go'.

Consider it this way:

• When we think of a stool, we think of a handy product which can be used to hold us up when are reaching to get something we need.   Imagine the stool instead of holding us up, is used to hold up our baggage up and 'in place'.   Is that really a stool we'd want or is that a stool we'd want to see collapsed?
• We know a 3-legged stool or table is more sturdy or stable than those with fewer legs.  From what I can see, abuse survivors don't just have 'abuse' in play.  From personal experience, observations and talking with others, people who are ultimately abused are often vulnerable to abuse because of other factors--overbearing parents/adults in their formative years and bullying for example.

Anyway, here are three legs of the stool which holds up inability to shake off encounters with narcissists in adulthood:

* Overbearing parent or other authoritative adult figure during childhood.

* Bullying (verbal or menacing)

* Attack/abuse

Now, these three legs or factors aren't necessarily exclusive.  That is to say the same person or persons can supply more than one leg of the stool.  That is to say, a bully can also be an abuser/attacker and that the overbearing parent or adult can be the bully who abuses or attacks for example.

We hear all the time, back in the day if I talked back like that, my mom/dad would have beaten me.  Sometimes the speaker might say how his/her voice was overrode by his/her parent, but that he or she eventually found his or her voice.   As a parent myself, I have found that I sometimes have to be assertive and override voices of a child/children.  Now, taken to the extreme that can be damaging and compel a kid to shut down or fear authority.  I do believe in most cases kids do gain a measure of a voice (and sometimes 'too much'), but I digress.  Like a one-legged stool/table, they can learn to easily push aside disrespect/lack of control later in life.  That is to say, the baggage associated with 'not having a voice', if others negative factors aren't in play, can thrown off more easily in adulthood. As people of my generation understood, that's part of growing up.

Add the factor of being bullied in your formative years.  Not only are you trying to seek their voice among adults in your life, but you are also trying to fend off those who would challenge their well-being and/or peace of mind.  With authoritative adults in a child's life, we typically think that the adult figure has the child's interests in mind.  In the case of a bully, for whatever reason, the bully typically doesn't tend to factor in the child's interest.  For whatever reason, they bully feels that it is okay to pick on his or her target.  Sometimes they don't care, but sometimes they can attempt to justify their behavior.  They might claim that they are helping a kid learn how to deal.   They might also that their 'victim' deserved it.  Whatever their reasoning their behavior it can reinforce the inability of a child to shake off disrespectful (or controlling behavior) later in life.  If you are so used to dealing with this sort of behavior, even minor 'bullying' in your adulthood can seem like more of the same (and hence hard to shake off).  Like adding a second leg, it can strengthen the stool or table which holds up the anger, frustration and/or resentment which results from facing 'bullying' behavior later in life.  A stool with two legs has some degree of stability, but is still by its nature can be collapsed relatively easily.

As with a stool/table, once you add a third leg (or factor), the stool becomes very steady and very sturdy.  In other words, it will tend to stay upright and not collapsed unless you apply a great deal of force to it.  A person who has dealt with an overbearing adult may have had to 'justify' their voice.  A person who has dealt with a bully may have had to create or find a space for their voice.  But a youngster who has been abused or attacked, especially sexually, has had to recover from their voice being stolen outright from them.  It's bad enough having to justify your voice or find a place to exercise it safely, but like the third leg of the stool, having your voice stolen from you, reinforces the anger, frustration and/or resentment.  A response to narcissist behavior in later life isn't simply ignoring attempt it.  It is using whatever tools you have at your resource to make sure your voice isn't stolen again.  Anger, frustration, resentment and the like can be seen as tools to be deployed to ensure you he or she who could hold you down and crush or steal your voice is not given that opportunity.  It isn't simply being annoyed that you are being 'bullied'. Nor is it 'stepping away' and finding a place where your voice is safe.  To a survivor of abuse and/or an attack, there is a sense that the one who would control, disrespect you and/or otherwise bully you must be guarded against and in some cases be shut down.  In other words, sometimes you need to bare your teeth, build a wall or counterattack to make sure their threat to you is neutralized.

To someone who has just dealt with strict parents and maybe some bullying, but has never had to face the insecurity of abuse, a severe reaction to a narcissist can look like an overreaction.  That is to say intense anger, frustration, resentment, etc. can look like an overreaction to a when dealing with a narcissist.  I've dealt with the all three--CSA (childhood sexual abuse), bullying and an overbearing/controlling parent.  As an adult, I've come to understand situations better than I did as a kid.  However, I still am more inclined to, like a cat, arch my back, when I feel under threat or attack, 'hiss' and keep a wary eye open.  

Hopefully, this gives more perspective on why some people can let attempts at abusive/controlling/bullying behavior slide, where others cannot.  The more negative experiences you have had to deal with in life, the more likely you are to see are to see 'more of the same' when it comes to dealing with narcissists.   It isn't just dealing with a jerk, it is dealing with someone who is a threat to your serenity (or at least it can feel like it).

Anyway, I'm tired when writing this, so hopefully, it does make some sense.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Rich

All you don't need is hate...

As I was thinking about the All you need is love... post, I had thought about a post on the hate--often portrayed as the opposite of love.  Some would say, the opposite of love is indifference, but I digress.

I thought my blog post should be on the hurt and the consequences of hate.  By that I mean personal animosity.  What lead to this post ideas was when I read and saw a story the other day about a senseless assassination of the Russian ambassador to Turkey.  To me it was another shocking reminder of the darkness in this world that is hate.  Unfortunately, I'm not immune to the poison which is hate.  When confronted such senseless and hate-filled acts of violence, if I allow it, my reaction is one of hatred and wishing horrible things toward the person who committed such a destructive act.  But, I digress...

So, what are the potential consequences of hate (not necessarily in order of importance):

• Separation from our Higher Power (God).  Like it or not, God created man in His own image.  We are God's creation.  Therefore, when we our focusing on hate towards another of God's creation, we are in effect hating what He made.  We are in effect judging Him.  The old line of thought is well if He were such a loving God why do such horrible things happen in this world.  God is no more at fault for us choosing to reject Him initially and throughout time.  He is not at fault for our fallen nature (and the consequences thereof) anymore than parents that raise their kids the right way, but there kid decides to make poor choices.  Getting back to point, when we hate others, we are effectively telling God he made a mistake and holding it against Him.  Instead we should be looking in the mirror at ourselves and our nature and see what we can contribute towards betterment in the world. 
• Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. (1 John 2:9)
• “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)

• Poison in our soul.  Those who have been in a twelve step or recovery type program (and many who haven't) have heard an old saying attributed to numerous people: Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  While our resentment or hatred might inflict damage on the other person, often times most of the damage ends up being inflicted on ourselves.  If someone at school, at work or elsewhere does (or doesn't) do something that causes us to hate them, ultimately who is hurt more if we are lying awake in bed at night hating them?  Who is hurt more if we can't focus on the things that benefit us due to our hatred?  Who is hurt more when the poison of hatred causes us stress?
• See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:15)

• Sets a bad example.  How can teach our children to be kind, loving and considerate when we hatred emanates from our being?  We may say the right things about such matters, but our underlying tone or actions undermines the positive lessons we are trying to teach.  If we are publicly showing hatred, how can we expect others to take us seriously when we call for peace?  Appeals to the better nature of others will not tend to be fruitful if they are strangled out by hatred.
• See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:15)

• Hate begets hate and leads to destruction within families, communities, societies and the world.  As I indicated to my daughter, I feel  that 9/11 was an extreme result of hatred festering in the heart of many.  A single act of hatred towards Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria on June 28th, 1914 set in motion a chain of events that led to the two most destructive wars in world history.  An anarchist's bullets led to ultimatums, reprisals and declarations of war starting in 1914, kicking off what we now know as WWI.  Though, open hostilities ceased on Nov. 11th, 1918 (now Veteran's Day), the resentment and hatred reared its ugly head in the 1930s again, culminating with the invasion of Poland on Sept. 1, 1939 to kick off what we now know as WWII.  A single act of hatred led to the death of countless millions.  Now, every expression of hatred will not lead to such an extreme result.  Let's just say hatred rarely starts out big and left unchecked will like a cancer grow.
• Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs. (Proverbs 10:12)

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Before I finish this topic matter, I want to address a few things.  

• As with most things in this world, hate is not always a bad thing.  While the bible doesn't explicitly say to "hate the sin, love the sinner", I believe it is clear that is what we are to do.  God clearly loves his creation: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)  The Bible has numerous verses which express his dislike or hatred of sin: but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear. (Isaiah 59:2).  So, if He loves us enough to give his Son for us, but hates when we sin.  Shouldn't we show the same love?  That is, hate the behavior, but love the sinner.  That doesn't mean let poor behavior go without punishment aka justice being done, but instead not to focus your energies on the one who is making the bad choices. 
• Righteous anger is not the same thing as hatred.  In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, (Ephesians 4:26)  Clearly, God understands that there is a time and place for anger, especially if we are harmed by the sins of another.  However, he does not want us to dwell in the anger and let it become hatred. From what I see righteous anger that is left to fest can turn into hatred and animosity which is sinful in its very nature.

Ever since I was a kid, I have valued life, peace and have hated seeing people fight.  It hurts when I see my fellow man injuring or hurting another, especially when it is a kid.  However, I know in my heart that this is a fallen world and it is inevitable.  That being said, while we can't control how others behave or react, we can control how we think and act and can set a good example for our kids and our fellow man by not repaying hatred.  Once again, that doesn't mean continuously taking abuse or not defending yourself, but what it does mean is not amplifying hatred by repaying it.

- Rich

* I have said a joke for years that "I am violently opposed to violence".  However, this election year has shown me that there are people "hateful in their pursuit of opposing what they see as hatred".  To me this is the antithesis of repaying hate with love.

For an alternative take on hate where it is okay?, go to: Hated it! Is it so wrong to hate sometimes?

Forgiveness: The steps we go through for our own benefit.

As my dad's life draws to a close, I have felt the need to come to terms with what at times has not been the most comfortable or easiest relationship. In some ways, the most difficult relationship of my life. Part of what helps me come to terms with people and circumstances is writing about them.  In other words, allowing my thoughts and feelings see the light of day.  So, over time I have come to some conclusions about forgiveness.  (originally written 3/27/15 - he has since passed away)

About forgiveness:

I've heard it said that forgiveness is not something we do for others, but rather ourselves.   In a way, I see this as true.  This is especially true when the person whom is the object of our forgiveness either doesn't realize that he or she needs to be forgiven or doesn't care about being forgiven.  

We can confront the one who has wronged us and if he/she is ready they might even own up to their offense.  However, there is always a distinct possibility of them them not being recognizing or caring about the wrong they've done to us.  So,what then are we left with at that point: perhaps more resentment.

So, what do we do?  It's believe it's healthiest to forgive them.  I don't mean forgive and accept continued abuse. I mean to forgive them for what they have done and if necessary forgive them for their hurtful tendencies.

I believe the process to forgiveness can be a 4-step process: avoidance, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness  I will elaborate on that:

• Avoidance 
• We might have to pull away from the person who wronged us to prevent further hurt.  
• Alternatively, we might have to pull away to avoid trying the temptation to 'settle the score'.
• Acceptance
• We still get irritated with or by the other person, but we accept that it is time to start trying to forgive our offender. 
• They may not have stopped wronging or trying to wrong us, but we accept at this point that we cannot control them. They may be incapable or unwilling to change, but with avoidance, we've minimized their ability to hurt us.
• This step is characterized by showing outward signs of forgiveness--going through the motions of forgiveness--but not necessarily internally being forgiving.
• This is an important step as it shows we are moving beyond being the victim and worked towards forgiving them.
• Understanding 
• For our peace of mind we are trying to find reasons for why our offender is the way he or she is.  Is it personal or are we just the one in the line of fire?
• This isn't meant to accept or condone their behavior but to understand it better.  That is to say we don't agree with, but understand how our offender could get to the place they are in their thinking or behavior.
• In some cases, we may start to empathize with our offender, depending on what brought them to hurting us.
• Perhaps, he or she had a tough childhood--abuse/neglect/tragedy.
• His or her behavior, while not at all acceptable, may be a coping mechanism.  For example, if he/she did not have any control over rough circumstances during childhood, he/she might exhibit harmful controlling behavior in adulthood as a misplaced defense mechanism.
• In other cases, we may just have to understand that perhaps our offender is wired differently.  Not everyone is wired the same.  We may on some level start to appreciate our offender is just wired differently and doesn't have the capacity to understand how they hurt us nor the capacity to avoid hurting us.  In the worst case, we might be left with understanding that they are (or have become wired to be selfish).  That's not very comforting, but understanding that some people are just that way can at least allow us to move to the forgiveness level.
• Forgiveness
• In this stage, we have pretty well let our anger and resentment go.  That's not to say we don't have 'flare-ups' of anger and resentment, but instead that it doesn't rule us.
• This stage may be characterized by sadness.  Sadness that the relationship in question 'has to be' like it is.
• We may forgive, but that doesn't mean we forget or put ourselves at risk in the situation again.
• It may mean having the person involved--sometimes heavily--in our life.
• It may mean forgiving from afar and for our own sake keeping a safe distance.
• Sometimes forgiveness is expressed directly to the person.  In other cases, it may be implied or unspoken as we no longer showing resentment or anger in their direction.

I will close this by reminding my readers that forgiveness is an age old practice Jesus himself set the bar on this when he said:

...Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.   (Luke 23:24)

 I feel like if He, having committed no sin could do it, then perhaps the rest of us might do well to work on it.