This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
You know sometimes you start a blog post about an idea that hits you that you can relate to and before you know it, it becomes deeply personal to the point of being a little vulnerable. But, here goes. As a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor who was raised in a dysfunctional home with alcoholism and domestic violence, I became aware at a young age of idea of powerlessness and the idea of having any control over anything was ridiculous to me. Add to that the fact that our house looked run down and just not generally presentable, that I wore worn clothes to school, that I was bullied and that I never felt like I fit in and then you can see even more clearly why I would feel that way.
Had someone said control starts with you, I would have laughed at them. The idea of 'being in control' would have sounded utterly absurd to me. As previously mentioned, I didn't have control over what I could wear or what eat, the home in which I live in and its state of repair or disrepair. In my house, I didn't have control over the dysfunction--the yelling, the screaming, in some cases the domestic violence. On my person, I didn't have control over the sexual abuse that happened to me and the bullying in the neighborhood and at school. So, to me the idea to me that I controlled anything would have met with like a "yeah, right" type stare. Before I go on, I just want to state that I'm not focused on what I "didn't have" but am setting up a point. I do realize that I am still fortunate in some ways living in the wealthiest country in the world. But, I digress. I didn't realize it then, but I realize these days that in some ways I had much more control than I understood.
Let's move forward into my adulthood. I was always the 'peacemaker' which in some ways is another way of saying "approval seeker" or "people pleaser". I had started that role in my childhood and played that role in my adult life too. It didn't help that I developed a moderate to severe anxiety condition as a 17 year old and as such sought calm as a result. In any case, this desire for approval (or better yet to not be disliked) led me to not properly stand up for myself. I didn't stand up for myself as a kid and as a young adult I continued this pattern. In some ways, I let those closest to me continued to control me by using my need for approval and my need not to be disliked or unwanted. So, in some ways to me it felt like a progression from my childhood with the manipulation and being controlled that was part of needing acceptance.
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Despite having the sense of 'powerlessness' in my early years and my earlier adulthood, I believe I gradually have awakened to a different view or perspective of control (or power). I used to be view power or control as:
Something that is given or allowed.
Something we have to grab aggressively to gain.
Necessarily involve or interact with that which is outside out.
I've seen the results of a child who had everything taken from him. This child ended up being a bully. He felt like he needed to try to control others to gain control himself. Instead of realizing that he was just a kid and as such his authority was limited, he felt like he needed be pushy with adults to get his way and he needed to demand that he get to do what or get he wanted when he wanted. When he felt his 'authority' being challenged he would get belligerent. When he felt like what he had was at risk, even if that wasn't the case, he felt the need to make proactive threats. In short, he was relying on trying to control others, being aggressive to get and 'keep' power, and blatantly involving outside forces. As you might imagine this didn't work out well for him. If anything he pushed others away, he tended to not get what he wanted in the long run and in many ways lost some of the control or power he had had. In short, he represented the downfall of viewing power the way I had.
As I've grown and matured, I've come to realize that power or control can be:
That which we can implicitly gain or earn.
That which we can find within ourselves.
It isn't necessarily something we are given or allowed, but what we own.
As a teen, when my parents divorced, I was my dad's helper. He wasn't very good at the 'bachelor' thing. I had somewhat taken over cooking near the end of my parent's marriage as my mom spent a lot of time out trying to escape her unhappiness. My dad noted this and when they got divorced, I had 'earned' the role of cooking and shopping. For someone who didn't feel like he had any control that is pretty significant. I had gained my dad's trust in 'taking care of' the house in some ways.
While I've had to push back on family and friends who I felt took me for granted or in some cases took advantage and had to assert control. I've come to realize that control also comes is not necessarily asserting power externally. For this young person I'd met, he often didn't think his behaviors through. He was captive to his emotions. In other words, he wasn't even in control of himself. Often times, control is as simple as making a decision not to let your emotions rule and ruin your day as well as cause conflict. In other words, control in your life is to put yourself in the best position to succeed. When I trained over the summer running during high school, I exhibited control. Running was never easy, especially by myself. But, in order to perform well, I would have to do that which was not comfortable. In a sense, I made a conscience decision to control my actions and in the process exert control over my own future (performance). In short, control here is a conscience decision to what I needed to and try to avoid doing things which were harmful to me.
When my daughter's mom was pregnant with her, often I didn't feel like I was given the respect or taken as seriously as I should have been. I had wondered exactly how I would the "parenting authority". In time, I came to realize it does not have to be something that I would given. Such as voters give to the winning candidate for public office. Nor does it have to be something allowed, like my parents letting me hang out with my friends. What I realized in time was this little person, my infant daughter was learning something profound. In her own infant (and then toddler way), she sensed that her parents were taking care of her, were meeting her needs, we being supportive of her. We didn't really ask for permission so much as we accepted the role of parents. We owned our responsibility. In her own way our baby/infant daughter had learned that she should mind us as she 'knew' that we were there to meet her needs. So, we owned the role and therefore the power or authority that comes with it.
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So, what is my takeaways?
When someone in your life tries to control you, to a large degree the control over you is what you allow or tolerate from them.
Control doesn't need to be something achieved via threats over others. It is best achieved or earned by doing the right things for the right reason and therefore gaining authority or power with that role.
You can't control how people treat you, but you can control your response. You can influence your outcomes positively with control of yourself.
Anyway, just another perspective on control when others in position of power raise endless sum of money trying to essentially 'buy' it. In many regards we are more free than those who seek to gain power.
Thanks for reading and I hope you took something from it.
Recently with the Coronavirus Pandemic raging, I had custody of my daughter for about five weeks. My daughter was just finishing spring break when her school was shut down for Covid-19. I had/have been working from home since that time myself. Until recently her mom wasn't able to do so. So, she wasn't in a position to do anything except call her during the day to make sure she was on track. Beyond that her mom works at a hospital, so there was initial fear that her mom could get the virus at work and spread it to my daughter. After about 4 weeks of work full-time/homeschool, I was getting stressed out. At that point, her mom asked wanted to switch custody. This would give me a break from working full-time/quasi home-schooling my daughter. Obviously, giving my daughter a chance to see her mom and vice versa was a big part of the equation. However, I paused for a moment and was silently screaming, but I can't give her up now, we are just getting untracked with her e-learning. I knew that wasn't the answer I needed to say. So, I said let's work on a transition.
I felt like over the previous weeks, that we had a system in place that could potentially maximize her productivity. Also, I knew I could help her in some areas which my background is very strong. For example, math is a very strong point of mine. Mostly, I felt like I had a beat on her productivity. I was afraid that she would lose the momentum that she gained with me. In short, I was concerned I was afraid of losing control. My intentions were noble. I wanted her to do well with e-learning and I didn't want her to lose momentum or ready access to my help. My heart was saying 'no', but my mind was saying, 'you really should transition her'.
In my brief flirt with control on the issue (and the lingering feelings), I verified a few things I knew and learned a few more about power and control. So, what did I "learn or relearn" about power, control and human nature.
Power/Control Observations.
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It is often driven by fear--a fear that you are the only one who can do 'what needs to be done' properly.
Your assessment may not be accurate. Often times there is more than one good solution to a problem.
Your assessment and actions may discourage others from trying to help. Why fight someone who thinks they act as if they are the only one who can do something right?
Uncertainty or inability to 'read' others whom you would be yielding control to. It sometimes doesn't matter if others have shown the capability of being responsible, just the chance that it might not be done right, is enough to 'not risk it'.
When I'm driving, I know what my intentions and what my capabilities are. When you are driving, I can't tell if you are aware of 'how close you are' to the person in front of or if 'know you need to get over' So, I might harp on you about your driving even when you know you have it under control.
When I'm driving, I know where I am going and I know the route to get there. If you have told me where it is and aren't sure if I know, you might to try to back seat drive. The fact is, I might actually have a good idea how to get there and haven't really said anything or asked because I knew how to get there. But your uncertainty might cause you to feel like you need to 'control' the situation and "make sure" I know.
The goal can be or seem noble or selfless.
I just want to make sure it all turns out for the best, especially if I'm very experienced at it.
I'm looking out for 'your' best interest and I'm am willing to help or do the heavy lifting.
The impact however can be negative.
It can discourage the other person from even trying. If you feel like another is micromanaging you and always taking charge on their schedule, it feels like too much trouble to fight assert your role or try.
It can remove the opportunity for the other person to learn from trial and error.
It can remove the opportunity for a solution that is just as good or better to be discovered.
In my story, in my mind,
I was afraid of my daughter losing her progress or momentum.
I was afraid of letting another be in charge of the seeing to it that she got her homework done or the help she needed.
I assumed that my way 'would work indefinitely' and not have it's own drawbacks.
Such as me getting burned out or her resisting my pressure/steps to keep her on track.
Such as she needed not seeing her mom and pets on her mom's side would have no ill effects even if it was just for a few more weeks.
I assumed that no one else could find a similarly effective path towards making sure she was on track.
I had the hubris to think to for a moment to assert that it was MY role as opposed to a shared role. Even if what I felt was true that I might have a little bit more effective way of keeping her on task, I had to accept that the need to exchange custody was greater.
In a matter of moments, I had given up 'control' of keeping her on track (and keeping custody). At first, because I knew I had no right to ask to keep custody so I could oversee her e-learning I acceded quickly to her mom's suggestion. However, I came to realize soon thereafter that it was, for me, a control issue. I hated give up custody. Also, I was nervous that her e-learning momentum could be lost, but I realize that I had to accept the possibility that my daughter would 'fail' at keeping up her e-learning momentum. I realize a number of years ago that "I can't fix everyone", nor should I try. Similarly, I had to accept the fact that I couldn't guarantee what I deemed a 'successful' outcome. To not understand otherwise would be not to understand the idea of letting go of trying to 'control'. I had to let go and let God. I was sad to be giving her up a few days later and I was a little nervous, but I knew in my heart that I was accepting the role that laid out rather than trying to be a control freak.
Being a successful parent means answering the call anytime under any circumstance often without a whole lot of warning. The way I see it you have to have a closer mentality like as in baseball. In a way, this applies most strongly to being a single parent, but applies to parents in general. A successful closer (like a successful parent):
Has to be able to have a short memory. He has to forget a recent bad outing.
He has to be aware on some level of what went wrong, but he cannot focus on the bad outing last game, lest he start to doubt too much his abilities. Similarly, a parent has to forget having had a bad night last night with their child.
He can't focus on blowing the save and the game and letting his team down. Last game is in the past and his team needs him now. He's not very useful to them if he's letting last night's failure destroy his rhythm and therefore his success. Similarly, a parent 'fail', whether it is like not being attentive enough as you are recovering from tough times or simply like forgetting to make sure they are fully packed for school on a yesterday, needs to be forgotten. If you are focused on the fail, it is likely to distract you from the task at hand in working with your child.
The batter at the plate will not care why you are distracted and ineffective, he will hit the poor pitches you throw a long way.
Your child might sense weakness in your resolve, due to guilt/shame associated with past failures, and take advantage of it to pressure you into giving him/her what they want.
Has to be able to fake it on a night when he doesn't have his best stuff . He can't let the batter at the plate 'know' that he is having an off night and is lacking confidence in his stuff. He has to exude--even if it is faked--an attitude that he owns the plate. Similarly a parent might be having an off-night and/or a night of doubt, yet he/she has to fake confidence and/or decisiveness.
Has spent time/years preparing for that role. There are few to whom this role comes naturally to them.
Some have spent years of working on control. They keep on tossing pitch after pitch after pitch until they get a groove or feel for the pitches. In the meantime, they have to keep throwing. Similarly, a parent often has to go through growing pains in which he/she presses their kid to do what he needs to, even when the kid fights it. If a parent is consistent and persistent, he or she has a much greater chance of gaining 'control' over the child. That is to say, having the kid listen fairly well.
Some have come from other roles such as a setup man and when they gain a feel, they get promoted. This is like a parent who spends time building up authority with a younger kid and as a result is more likely to be able to exert that authority when the kid is older.
A little more specific comparison of closers vs. parents: there are two types of closer situations in bullpens. Let's examine a closer situation in which there is THE closer. He is the one the coach or team will live and die with. That's just like a single parent household, ultimately in a true single parent household, a kid will thrive or suffer depending on if the parent is effective. Alternatively, let's consider a closer by committee situation. In that case, the coach will choose who will close out the game depending on factors such as who has the best stuff, is the freshest, has the best matchups and the like. In other words, the coach has the luxury of choosing whom he thinks will best handle a given game. However, if the one he decides appears to be struggling, he can readily swap out for another 'closer'. Similarly, in a two parent house, on a given night or in a given situation, there is the luxury of choosing whom will primarily handle the exercise of authority. If one parent seems to be having a bad night, he or she can defer to other parent to back him or or her.
Back to the main point, however. For successful parenting like closing you have to:
Train yourself to 'forget' the bad days. Don't get stuck in the self-blame/shame.
Fake confidence on days in which it is lacking. Fake it to yourself and others.
You know sometimes you start a blog post about an idea that hits you that you can relate to and before you know it, it becomes deeply personal to the point of being a little vulnerable. But, here goes. As a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor who was raised in a dysfunctional home with alcoholism and domestic violence, I became aware at a young age of idea of powerlessness and the idea of having any control over anything was ridiculous to me. Add to that the fact that our house looked run down and just not generally presentable, that I wore worn clothes to school, that I was bullied and that I never felt like I fit in and then you can see even more clearly why I would feel that way.
