Bad Days and Mondays: Being a Hostage to "Bad Days" of Others

A while back I was reminded by a sibling about a toxic relationship that I'd been in long ago.  I have been meaning to write about it, but Covid-19, the George Floyd situation and other things had taken from my attention.  But as my patient audience, you will be rewarded by what I hope is a good read.   So, the short version of the story is that I was dating a single mom of a young child.   She had primary custody of her daughter and was both a full-time mom and she worked full-time.   Naturally, she portrayed herself as the responsible one who had had to pick up the slack for an irresponsible, incompetent dad.  In other words, she had to be supermom.  That should have been my first clue as to problems.  Anyway, we met and dated for a year and a half, off and on.   

So, as we know, new relationships are 'great'.  In new relationships you try to prove yourself supportive of your significant other and all that entails.   However, I noticed a trend early on.  She would complain a lot about the pressures of being a single mom and having to maintain her full-time job.   So, being the good sport, I listened and tried to be as supportive as possible.   Anyone who knows anything about me knows a few things:

• I hate drama and like peace.
• I used to be people pleaser/peacemaker.  This led to
• Being too tolerant of people crossing my boundaries
• Being too tolerant of manipulative people.
• I have dealt with an anxiety disorder for much of my life and sometimes that means pushing away for the moment stressful things.  Not ignoring responsibility so much as trying to find a way to push aside stressors.  This means avoiding discord.
• I don't particularly like adding to the stress of others, though I'm sure I have.

I "knew" that having a lot of responsibility like she had is a tall order and stressful.  I knew that I like being supportive.  I knew I didn't want to add to her stress.  I knew I hated confrontation  and that I wasn't looking to strongly challenge people.  Basically, I just wanted peace and being appreciated.  Unfortunately, the combination above is perfectly suited for a controlling person.   For whatever reason, members of her family apparently didn't think that I was good enough for her.   They hadn't liked her ex too, so you know...  In any case, she was too 'mindful' of their thoughts.  So, you know I'm just trying to mind my own business, be a considerate/supportive boyfriend, trying to be helpful and trying not to make negative waves or give her or her family a reason to dislike me.

As you might imagine, this type of relationship could not last.  I was criticized by her for not having my anxiety under better control.  Anyone that knows anything about anxiety knows that the worst thing you can do is negatively highlight an anxious person's anxiety.  You might as well tell a suicidal person what a lousy person they are, IMHO.  In any case, I consistently heard from her, woe is me, life is hard as a single, fully employed mom.  So, I would try consider her 'hardships' as such when dealing with her.  If that mean, not adding to her stress by avoiding addressing things bothering me, well that happened.  If it meant trying to do what I could do to 'change' to ensure I brought her no extra stress, that happened too.  If it meant my desires not being considered properly, well shit happens, you know.  So, over the course of nearly a year in a half, she pressed her anxieties on me, she let others have undue influence in our relationship, she shut me down and she told me that my 'anxiety' was a large part of the problem.   

Now, some would say, why did you let this happen? The only thing I would say is it is easier to say that looking for the outside.  Beyond that, manipulative people don't show their cards all at once.  They reveal it slowly over time.   But, I digress.  What did I learn from this circumstance?   What have a I learned along the way?   Glad you ask!   I called this post, "Bad Days and Mondays..." to indicate what I learned from that relationship (and what I've observed over time).

• Unless you live an utterly charmed life, you will likely have the following at some point(s) in your life:
• Bad moments
• Bad days
• Bad periods
• Challenging circumstances. 

Now, if you want to have a healthy relationship with others, you have to take into account their bad times.  If you want to have a strong relationship with someone, you have to be able to empathize with them.   In short, you have to be there for them and with them.   Sometimes that can be as simple as holding off your 'good news' for a little while until they are in a better place to hear it.  Sometimes, that means listening to them for a time rather than them being your sounding board.  What it doesn't mean is completely minimizing yourself and your needs to deal with their neediness or selfishness, even if they can't see it.  It doesn't mean allowing them to dictate the terms of the relationship to suit their needs even if their circumstances 'are more trying'.  It doesn't mean allowing yourself to be mistreated and then allowing them to excuse it on 'having a bad day". 

I had realized that I had over time allowed her to take the circumstances of her life and situation to dictate the terms of the relationship.  I had allowed her to elevate her needs over mine and justify it by invoking the pressures of her full-time parent/employee life.  I had allowed her to elevate herself over me by focusing on approval from her family (as if approval from me wasn't near as important).  She was so focused on HER needs being met that she didn't give enough space or consideration of mine.

So, here are a few takeaways I learned.

• You can empathize with someone's bad day or circumstance, but you cannot be held hostage to it. This is especially true if you had nothing to do with creating it.  Yeah, I can be there for you, but that doesn't mean you get to completely ignore my needs in the process.
• I wasn't part of the problem, but I can be part of the solution.  Being part of the solution, however doesn't mean shutting me down or shutting me out either.
• People can have a bad day or time, but provided you are dealing with them with respect and in good faith, they don't have a right to 'punish' you for it.  
• They don't have a right to shoot first and apologize later.  In other words, you don't get to go after me misguidedly if I dot an 'i' or cross a 't' imperfectly because you are already having a bad day.  You don't get to excuse it later as a I was just having a bad day.
• They don't have a right to ignore or belittle your concerns because their concerns are 'so much bigger'.  This is especially true if you have zero culpability for their issues.  I can empathize with your concerns or situation, but that doesn't mean that I lose voice in the process.
• They don't have a right to overreact and treat a little issue as if you have ruined their life.
• I have bad days too.  I have feelings too.  I have rights and needs too.  Just because things aren't easy for you doesn't mean you get to ignore that.  I am willing to be there for you, but there has to be reciprocation and most importantly respect.  

Most people have the capacity to be there for family, friends and other loved ones.  However, it has to go both ways.  If someone is having a bad day or period, it is important to be able to read that and react as needed.   Sometimes that means asking if there is anything you can do to help, sometimes it means listening and sometimes it means just letting them have time to decompress.   What it doesn't mean is taking abuse from them.  It doesn't mean that your needs suddenly don't matter.  It means being there without losing yourself in the process.  Just remember you can't help others if you aren't taking care of yourself and sometimes that just means securing your boundaries before you walk along with them.

Thank you for reading,

Rich

A Life Without Regret Is a Life Not Lived

I was responding to a friend's humorous meme post on Facebook which dealt with the topic of regret.  Namely, it was about how it is funny seeing a friend do something they'll regret later, but encouraging to do so anyway.   My point was that if you were a 'real' friend, you'd be in the trenches with them engaging in the activity that you both would regret.  In the process of discussing it, it occurred to me: a life that is rich (and truly lived) will have regret in it.

Now, I'm not encouraging extreme deviancy or anything like that, but at the same time, some of the most fulfilling times or aspects of our lives involve behaviors, actions and choices (BAC) that could potentially lead to regret.  For most people, responsibility is drilled in our head from an early age:

• Be a good listener
• Obey or mind your parents/elders/teachers
• Drive defensively/responsibly
• Do your homework/put your education first/choose wisely your career.
• Eat your vegetables/lay off of the junk food
• Do unto others/consider the feelings of others
• Spend your money wisely
• Choose your friends wisely
• Drink responsibly
• Wait for the pedestrian crossing light says it is safe walk/walk in the crosswalk.
• Brush your teeth after every meal/floss daily
• Don't talk to strangers
• Don't drink/smoke/do drugs/curse
• Get plenty of sleep
• Obey warning signs

I could go on, but get the idea.  We are taught to do this and that and to not do this or that.  In short, we are taught to be RESPONSIBLE, RESPONSIBLE, RESPONSIBLE.  Usually, the advice given is good advice for living and interacting with others.  However, as I said to my daughter one time when we saw a sign told us not to sit on a wall, "Some rules are meant to be broken".  So, we did so and watched fireworks. In other words, some rules are so overbearing, overprotective, outdated, discredited or just plain ridiculous, that they are just begging to be ignored.   But, I digress.

If we spend our lives always making sure we 'do the right thing', we miss out on:

• Learning from our mistakes
• Doing it better next time (if there is a next time)
• Being better to appreciate the value of good choices.  
• Figuring out our limits/boundaries and when it is okay to push them and when it is good to back off.
• Being able to lighten up laugh at ourselves and have others view us as more approachable. In other words, personality.

--

For me, this whole concept is illustrated beautifully in Tapestry (Star Trek: The Next Generation).  In that episode Captain Picard apparently, had died on the operating table in the present due to injuries to his artificial heart.  A normal heart would have survived the injury, but unfortunately when he was younger he needed an artificial heart.  The character Q, who is a God-like figure, gives Picard a chance to look back on (and apparently have a second chance at the circumstances surrounding the need for an artificial heart and hence avoid dying on the table in the present.

Picard was a rash, impulsive young man when he was in the Starfleet Academy. He lost his original heart when he unadvisedly joined a brawl in support of a friend.  His friend had been cheated in a bar game by a group called Nausicaans and had returned the favor by cheating them.  This enraged the Nausicaans and propelled his friend into a conflict with them.  Picard had joined the ensuing conflict and was stabbed in the heart, nearly dying in the process leading to the need for an artificial heart.

Picard had always regretted his impulsive attitude that led to his near death as a young man. So, when given a chance by Q to see how his life would have turned out had he avoided the nearly fatal conflict he jumped at it.  This time when his friend was confronted, he stepped in and defused the conflict, humiliating his friend in the process.  Fast forward to the alternative present.  Picard, instead of being a captain, was a miserable undistinguished ensign.  Those whom he know as his crew were now over him.  He asked them why he was an ensign and they indicated that it was because he played it safe.  When asked about it Q explained that the incident he regretted gave him a sense of his own mortality.  It also taught him that sometimes the value of life.  In other words, life is too valuable to just to waste it in fear of losing it.  In his alternative present, Picard had not learned that lesson and just like he did in the conflict in the bar--in the alternative past--with the Nausicaans, he avoided risk at all cost, leading to his mediocrity.

Picard now realize the thing that he regretted was the thing that gave him direction, a respect for his boundaries and when to push them and when not to.  In other words, it gives him clarity as to what's important and led him to being respected by others.  In short, he impulsively took a chance that he would regret, but that chance and the consequences of it gave him more clarified his life.  Had he just played it safe in life, he would not have gained that focus and clarity and sense of what's important.  Ultimately, Q gives him the opportunity to replay the fight again one more time.  This time Picard jumps in to defend his friend's honor, getting stabbed in the heart in the process.  He then woke up in the present in sick bay, apparently having come back to life with his artificial heart.

--

I'm not saying it is great to live your life, purposely making terrible choices or taking very dangerous chances.  However, understand that we learn through our 'mistakes'.  They can build us, shape us and give us clarity.  While taking chances and pushing boundaries can put some off some people off, it can also attract others who see us as being fearless or brave and who has a sense of adventure.  IMHO, If we always avoid choices and decisions that we think we might regret, we risk living an unsatisfying mediocre life, like Captain Picard in Tapestry.  In other words, in some ways, it is going through the motions or just being alive.  That's why I say, "A life without regret is not a life lived."

Peace out,
Rich

Boundaries: Places to avoid, but also goals to shoot for.

One day as I watched my stepson being trained in Taekwondo and got a chance to listen to and converse with his instructor, a blog idea came to mind.  I don't fully remember what his instructor said, but I think it was the following: In order to reach your goals you have to picture them first.  It got me to thinking about boundaries. 

I think we are so used to the idea of boundaries being a negative: 

• Things we can't do
• Places we can't go
• Stopping points

that when we hear the term "boundaries" thrown around it can feel like a lecture, scolding reminder. In other words, a downer.  I will call that an "inward boundary" or protection.  But, if you think about it, a boundary doesn't have a stopping point, but instead it can be a jump off point or a place to push pass.  I will call that an "outward boundary" or goal.

--

Now a little comparison.

Inward boundary (protection)

• Usually in place for our own safety or that of those around us. For example, they can 
• Keep us from intentionally or unintentionally hurting ourselves or others-physically, emotionally, mentally and/or spiritually.
• They can limit our actions.
• They can limit our behavior.
• Inform us where to stop. Al Some examples:
• A sign or barrier can tell us it is unsafe to drive past this point.
• A fence can direct keep us from entering an unsafe area.
• Sexual harassment rules designed inform us at what point conversation/interaction goes from being acceptable to being inappropriate or questionable.
• It is dangerous to keep letting them slide.
• Sends the wrong message. Namely, if you don't like the rules or laws, you can just ignore them and face no recrimination.
• Brings us one step closer to disaster. It is best to stay away from the edges.

Outward boundary (goals)

• Usually in place as a starting point--I want to do better than this--or a destination--I want to reach this point.
• Inform us exactly where to go.  That is what to shoot for or exceed. Some examples:
• A student needs to get a minimum score on a college entrance exam to get a particular scholarship. The student may do practice tests until he or she is confident that they can get at least that score.
• An athlete is shooting for a world record time, if he has a goal aka an outward boundary, he/she will have something tangible to reach for and pass.
• It is actually preferable to slide or move the boundary.  
• It means we are achieving our goals (outward boundary). 
• It means we are pushing for a greater achievement (that is a new goal or boundary).
• It is best to approach and exceed or surpass the 'edges'.

I guess the takeaways from this post are to (1) be aware of when boundaries are there to protect you, (2) be aware of when boundaries are meant to be broken (goals).  I think this goes hand in hand with the "Serenity Prayer".  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

  - Reinhold Neibuhr

Accept the things I cannot change (or should not change) - protect.  Courage to change the things I can - goals.  Wisdom to know the difference - between what is in place to protect and what is in place to achieve.