Has It All Been Done?

Recently I went to a concert where Barenaked Ladies opened up for Hootie and the Blowfish. After the concert, while waiting for traffic to file out of the parking lot, I put them on rotation on my iPod touch. One song of theirs caught my attention. It was called It's All Been Done. In the song, the lead singer sang about the different stages of a relationship. It was memorable because he absurdly put it in a history of the world context. He met this lady during the fall of Rome, he next runs into her 'Before the West Was Won" and ultimately he expects to see her again (at least on TV) on the 30th Century "Price Is Right".  He wonders how he'll react as she runs down the aisle--will he cry or smile? I have found that memorable stories often has a bit of dramatic flair, absurdity or exaggeration to it. It tends to make the story more engaging and memorable. Anyway, in his musical/lyrical way, he did bring up a good point. How do you know when a friendship or relationship has been played out?

Sometimes it is as clear as the ocean water on a sunny day. I remember one time ago, I was in one of my first serious long-term relationships and I hear the song, "Breakfast At Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something. I had dated before that, but I hadn't really had what I call a long-term relationship. Anyway, I remember being overcome with sadness and a few tears. The song had crystallized what my heart and soul had been slowly putting together. The relationship I was in had pretty much run its course. Interestingly enough after I saw her with someone else, I cried for a moment. But, a funny thing happened after that: I slept on it and woke up and my heart and soul felt lighter. Sometimes I hear the song and it might bring me a little sadness. But, I realize the sadness is not a pining for a 'lost love' so much as remembering the general pain of that moment years ago. Hindsight had long ago brought me to the conclusion that she was definitely not matched up well for me and that I was as more in love with the idea of being 'in love' than I was actually in love with her. I'm sure anyone who is remotely romantic and has had any experiences with relationships can relate. Interestingly enough, she moved to Texas, but before she did she had a baby with her new guy. She called out of the blue and let me know and invited me to see her child at the hospital. I could have cared less at that point, but you know, it's one of those things. At that moment, I wasn't busy, I wasn't dating anyone, and she seemed to want to share the news with 'friends'. She didn't seem like she had many friends, so I thought what the hell. Anyway, that's the last time I saw all three of them. It was cordial enough, but one thing I remember thinking is this: I wonder what the boyfriend thought about her inviting me? She still thought of me as a friend apparently, though I had long ago moved on past even that. In any case, I felt like I did my good deed for the day and moved on.  Back to the song, it had been clear when I heard it that we were over and that all that was left was one of us saying, "let's be friends" which to me usually means I am being too polite to say, "I really don't want to see you much if ever again".

 Back to the main point at hand? When do you know a friendship or a relationship has played out? I guess for me, here are some tells, IMHO.

• When you struggle to find things to talk about.  
• I realize that relationships aren't about constant conversation, but it is not about awkward silence either.   Though the ability to hang out together comfortably, talking or not is most important, conversation is important an necessary. 
• I felt that way one time with someone I had dated.  I felt like when we talked on the phone, I had to carry the whole conversation.  In other words, if I was quiet, there was more often than not an awkward silence.  Unfortunately, this was a reflection at large of the relationship.

• When there is never a happy middle ground.
• Always fighting can get in the way of reaching it.
• Aggressively advocating for your POV isn't a bad thing and if it is called fighting, that's not necessarily a bad thing.  I mean fighting without downtime or just fighting because you don't want to concede to the other person.
• One party completely checks out and doesn't ever get their way.
• One party feels defeated and doesn't fight for his or her position.   
• This may at first appear to be a 'victory' to the other party, but it eventually shows up as a disconnected relationship.
• Both parties check out and neither really get their way.
• At this point it is more of a peaceful coexistence, not a partnership.
• This situation if left unchecked will lead to a complete drift and eventual breakup.

• When the goals of the relationship are too different or there is an unwillingness to at work with or engage.
• In the song, he wondered if "she'd be bored if he played the same three cords".  This spoke to me that there was a contentment on his part for status quo, whereas he felt that his partner might get bored with the status quo.  In other words, each person wanted something completely different out of the relationship at that point.
• People can have different relationship goals, like but if there is an inability or unwillingness to engage at least some of the other person's interests or goals, then they really are pursuing their own separate lives.
• In other words, they have different expectations of what they want out of the relationship and they are pretty well disengaged in the other person's life too.

I'm sure others can come up with signs that a relationship has been played out, but those are three signs that come to mind for me.   In keeping with this, I don't think that necessarily being 'too different' can kill a relationship, it is an unwillingness to find common ground, meet your partner somewhere in the middle or engage what is important to them that would ultimately make a relationship be played out.

It's just you and me and we just disagree...

When I originally posted this back in February 2015, I was about to post about dating these days, especially dating site dating, but I had a better idea at that moment.  I thought, I've seen enough relationships that end with a thud and a blame game and felt like perhaps I have some insight those.  To me, much of the time, relationships end with a huge blame game.  That to me is such a waste of energy which leaves no one happy. I think what drove this blog may have been that I was a bit irritable too in hearing about a particular broken relationship.  Don't fully remember now.

Anyway, in the beginning of many failed relationships, it's like a Steve Miller song.  Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time...  

Reality hits eventually.  We either realize the other person has traits we are not particularly fond of OR probably more accurately finally accept they have those traits.  Anyway, over time, we decide if the other is what we want in a mate.  Eventually, one (or more) of these types of scenarios will play out:

• Enough doubt accumulates and we wake up and think WTH am I doing in this situation? 
• A tipping point is hit in which we know we can't stay in the situation.
• Let's be honest: in some cases, we find another fancier newer toy--another person--that 'humors' us more. 
• We choose our addictions over the other person.

In any case, whatever reason for the breakup, there seem to be two common traits that are present at the end many/most relationships.  

   1) Needing to explain away how we could have spent as much time and effort in a failed relationship.

   2) Need to 'win' aka portray yourself as the reasonable one and the other as the jerk/nut/gold digger...

IMHO, it's really really a pride issue.  Assuming the person hasn't totally hid who they are, that is to say they are largely the same person as they were on day one, then whether you accept them now for who they are is not their problem,  it is your problem.  If I have a personality trait or whatever and I haven't hid it, but you are just now realizing the nature of it and don't like it, once again that isn't my problem, it is yours.  

For example, if I tell slightly off-color jokes and you seem to be fine with it for a long time--and even seem to laugh at them--and one day you attack me for it, how is that my issue? If one of your friends thought it was in bad taste and you rip me for it, how is it a my fault issue?  I haven't changed, you just have decided for whatever that is something you can't accept.  That's your prerogative, but to rip me for it now, isn't fair.

If you think to yourself, how could I have settled, that isn't my issue, it's yours.  Just because you weren't able to assess your wants or needs properly doesn't mean that that I should take the blame for it.  Don't just decide to attack me and label me as this or that because you carry your own shame and/or shame around your friends for 'settling'.  The mature way to handle it is to say, you know, "we are two different people and too different of people" and move on.  There doesn't have to be shame.  Instead accept it as a lesson learned as to what's important to you in a relationship.  Accept it as something you'll be able to pick up on sooner next time.

Now, once again, some people bury their issues/flaws intentionally from their partner.  I'm not talking about those situations.  I'm talking about situations in which the relationship doesn't work out
due to differences and one or both parties proceed to try to destroy the other person because they can't handle it accepting it maturely.

I see it time and time again.  It's like get over yourself, don't play small.  Just accept the fact that some people aren't meant to be and be the bigger person in the breakup.  I suppose hurt feelings
play a role in the need to demonize the other.

Anyway, folks that is why dating is called dating and not marrying, except when it is actually marrying Mr./Ms. Wrong.

I do want to include a personal story however.  One time I was going back and forth with the lady I met at my daughter's ice-skating lesson.  We talked a little back and forth and there was a bit of connection.  At some point, I was venting a little about my dad and she started ripping me.  It was just a little griping about his being difficult, not blaming him for all my life's ills.  Somehow that rubbed her wrong and I am thinking to myself, you know I'm still the same person as I was a couple weeks ago.  Long story short, she decided she didn't want me in her life.  I was pretty well coming to that conclusion as well, but was just going to let it drift naturally.  In other words, be dignified.  So, she texted me and said I don't think we should continue talking.  Which would have been fine if left at that.  However, she proceeded to criticize me.  I'm like I didn't ask your take, opinion or advice and I haven't told you what to think.  Now, I can take constructive criticism, but not that which is used as a pretense to shut me out and make yourself feel better about tossing me aside, especially when I've been nothing but nice to you.

Anyway, she was like 'blah, blah, blah'  and finished it up by saying have a blessed day--acting all pious.  This happened back and forth for a little bit.   Like I said, I told her "I don't remember requesting/requiring your opinion."  Apparently she didn't like that and was like 'blah blah blah'.  I finally got irritated and said, "Are you finished now, so I can get back to what I was doing?"  That shut her up.  I was never prouder of myself.  I basically told her in no uncertain terms, I didn't need her and that she'd be doing a favor by leaving me alone.  I didn't attack her, but I essentially told her that she has no right trying to take me down to make herself feel better.  Like I said I am open to criticism, but not that which is used to try to make you feel better about yourself.

I guess the takeaway is this if you are in a relationship and it doesn't work out and the person hasn't changed or hasn't gone out of the way to hide who they really are, then there is no shame in just ending it and saying, "We weren't right for each other".  There is no shame in admitting that maybe I didn't see these characteristics I don't like, but that doesn't make him/her a bad person, nor does it make me a fool.  In such a situation, where the shame comes in when you have to attempt to destroy or undermine the other person to sooth your hurt ego.

Anyway, I love my beautiful now-wife & she is flawless, haha.  No, what I love is her soul & I know she like the rest of the world doesn't have to be perfect, I love and accept her for who she is.  That's where the women in the audience say, "Awww"


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