This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
We are now well into the pandemic season that has shut down much of the U.S. and the world. States and countries are starting to relax their restrictions and life is to a degree getting back to normal. However, we are still far from in the clear. Regarding pandemics, I've always thought of them in terms of an out of control contagion literally striking down everyone it comes across. In other words, I hadn't really thought about it much. What I thought was more like the Hollywood depiction of it. What I've come to realize is that like earthquakes, there are magnitudes of disaster in pandemics. Just like each earthquake isn't the 'big one' like the 1906 one that destroyed San Francisco, every pandemic is not the Spanish Flu or Bubonic Plague. Covid-19 may not be the Spanish Flu or Bubonic Plague, but it is a game changer in some ways for sure. Hopefully, it will be seen as a warning shot that we heeded for that day we might face an even more deadly and contagious flu or plague.
What got me to think about all this was the movie Contagion. It depicted a deadly pandemic originating out of Hong Kong. By the end of the movie, we are told that it would infect 12% of the world with a 20-30% fatality rate before a vaccine would be widely distributed. In other words, deadly on a scale worse than WW2. The movie opens up with Gweneth Paltrow's character exhibiting a rough cough. She was on her way home from Hong Kong. A few days later in dramatic fashion, she literally dies before her husband's eyes. Her son--his stepston--dies also passes on from the deadly virus shortly thereafter. This was just the opening sequence. As we see during the movie, people are dying left and right. This leads to chaos erupting--stores, pharmacies, banks, ect. are looted, mobs forming, fighting breaking out for limited supplies, states totally shutting down their borders and the government hiding out from the virus. While, this is happening, her surviving spouse--played by Matt Damon--and his daughter are navigating their way through survival. He's immune, but his daughter may not be. So, it is his responsibility to protect his daughter's health and survival. That means her and her boyfriend can see each other until there is a vaccine as he could theoretically pass it on to her.
By the end of the movie, the vaccine had been developed and slowly being distributed. Shortly after they receive the vaccine, Matt Damon's character relents and lets his daughter and her boyfriend get together at his (Damon's) place. It is prom season and the we see that the family room is decorated for the occasion. The young couple is in their prom finest. In any case, before the boyfriend arrives, Damon's character notices on his camera pictures of his late wife and finally breaks down. The movie closes out to the young couple dancing in the family hauntingly to All I Want Is You by U2. It was the perfect close.
Literally society and they in particular were impacted by the pandemic and their world was changed forever. They lost loved ones close to them and a cross section of the population was gone forever. There is no telling what all they lost during the pandemic:
Part of their family and likely friends.
Freedoms
Relative sense of invincibility.
Everyday things we take for granted.
Loss of the life they knew it.
The time before the vaccine was hard and they lost a lot. However, the remaining family--the dad and the daughter and the daughter and her boyfriend--had not lost each other. It was a bittersweet time, but hey had kept their dignity, sense of right and wrong and most importantly kept each other.
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Anyone who has experienced tremendous upheaval in their life, realizes that eventually that they following can be survived or replaced:
Job loss
Friend loss
Pat of your income.
Much of your material belongings
Bankruptcy.
Loss of part of the family
What ultimately matters is that we find ourselves left with ones who love and value us and that we keep our faith throughout it all. They likely lost a lot, even part of their immediate family, but they hung in there and didn't lose each other. I've heard that people are a social creature. We aren't meant to be alone and unloved. Heck, even in the Bible, God saw that Adam was lonely and made him a mate. Now, there were problems in that relationship that led to the loss of Eden, but still the point remains. Adam needed a mate. So, I think what really matters is keeping those we love close, striving to treat each other well, valuing each other and the time we spend together and appreciating that we all are God's children.
I've heard a song that you just can't shake to be an earworm. Contagion and the way it ended were like a soulworm for me. I can't shake it. The song it closes to, All I Want Is You, is desperate pleasing by Bono of really matters: You*. An earworm, is a just something that captures you ear. But, sometimes stories, events and circumstance just capture your imagination in a profound way, which to me is a soulworm.
During this pandemic, I hope and pray my loved ones and my readers and their loved ones keep are safe and keep remembering what is really important.
I believe in life, we hear sayings and understand them on some level, but don't necessarily deeply or totally appreciate them for awhile if ever. Once such such saying for me is the Serenity Prayer. I suspect anyone who has been going to church for a long time, been involved in a support/recovery group and/or is a person of faith has heard of the first part of it:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Not everyone however is familiar with the second part of it:
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Anyway, I've heard it many times and maybe I have really 'gotten it' before, but haven't expressed it clearly as I will no. Below, I'm going to focus on the first part of that prayer as I understand it.
Serenity
Calmness of mind.
Untroubled of heart.
Doesn't mean no fear or disquiet, but it means they don't rule you.
Accepting the things I cannot change
To me this usually means tabling my expectations of others people or circumstances.
Expectations might be quite understandable such as wanting a healthy relationship with you child, your siblings, your parents, etc. It doesn't matter, the expectations have to be let go if unrealistic.
Expectations might appear to be within reach but if you were honest, would see that they aren't. It doesn't matter how in reach they appear to be, if they aren't, it's time to let the expectation go.
Expectations that we will be understood. If we are fortunate, we will have that friend and/or lover that pretty well understands us. Life is so complex as is human interaction there is no feasible way to expect anyone other than our Higher Power to totally 'get us'. It doesn't matter how much we want it, it's time to understand that we will never be fully understood by anyone except our HP. In short, time to let that expectation go.
To me, this means actually accepting what I can't change, rather than just saying or trying to convince myself that I have 'accepted' it.
To me this requires an understanding of what accepting is.
Recognizing the validity/reality of what is to be accepted.
Consenting to the reality of what is to be accepted.
Words and actions showing that acceptance.
Your focus is not on the person/situation.
Any thoughts about the person/situation may pop up, but do not linger.
You can have feelings about the person/situation, but you just can't live in them.
To me this requires an understanding of what not accepting looks like.
Saying you've accepted something, but your words give lie to that supposed acceptance.
For example, you say your over someone, yet every chance you get you badmouth the other party.
Saying you've accepted something, but your actions give lie to that supposed acceptance.
For example, you say your over someone, yet when you think no one is watching, you stalk them on social media or elsewhere.
A tendency to be triggered about the circumstance that needs to be accepted, even if it infrequent.
Courage to change the things I can
To me that means recognizing any blocks in the way of making the change.
All the courage in the world cannot help if you haven't identified the blocks in the way of change.
This may require prayer, meditation, counseling or other means to draw out the nature of the blocks.
To me that means being able to push through those blocks.
This means a willingness to face any blocks or demons that are in the way.
This can mean asking others, including your HP for help, strength or support in facing the blocks.
This doesn't necessarily mean waiting until the fear subsides (it may never).
It means walking through the fear.
It means talking through the fear.
It means focusing what is on the other side of the wall rather than the difficulty in climbing the wall.
Wisdom to know the difference
Sometimes we know when what we can change and what we can't--and for that matter should and shouldn't--but need to be honest with ourselves. Wisdom starts with a willingness to be honest with ourselves.
Sometimes we don't know the difference and need to ask our HP, meditate, ask for advice, etc. for help in discerning. In other words, we have to be open to our HP and the resources he places in our path.
Gaining wisdom in life isn't a one-time event, but a life long process. Gaining wisdom over a specific circumstance or situation likewise may occur over over time rather than all at once, though we might have a crystallizing moment.
For me the path to serenity is a long and continuing one. I still have a long way to go, but I'm still on the journey and am willing to be on that journey for the rest of my life. Perhaps one of the biggest blocks is wisdom (or willingness) to know the difference, hence the blog title. Anyway, while I would love utopia, I know I'll never have it in this life, so I work to rest my hope in my HP that He will grant me the first part of the prayer while I keep in mind the second.
I hope you'll take what you can and are able to use out of this blog and add whatever need as in life, "your mileage may very". Have a blessed day.
When the surreal becomes real, when the warm traditions of the past are declared old news, when the memories of our childhood are wiped out or built over in favor of maximizing legal tender, it feels like we've 'paved paradise & put up a parking lot'. In other words, we've pushed away the good in pursuit of the 'better', when often the better is not necessarily so. But, as we know change is often inevitable and doesn't necessarily have to be or be thought of as bad. As Carly Simon sings in Coming Around Again, "I know nothin' stays the same, But if you're willin' to play the game, It's comin' around again". That is to say sometimes the old has to pass for the new 'good' to have space to take its place. Which in a way is an appropriate thought considering the day I'm writing this (Good Friday 2017). Good Friday represents the Father--by way of Jesus--giving us an opportunity to shed our old sinful nature and take on a new more Godly (Christlike) nature. But I digress. We as a society (and world) are constantly changing, we are constantly adjusting. Some it is good, some of it is bad. But I believe we have this annoying habit of over correcting. That is to say, making up for mistakes (or problems) by going to far in the opposite direction.
We go from an unkept, undeveloped area to an overdeveloped, overpopulated area.
We go from isolationist to foreign entanglement, back to isolation, then foreign entanglement.
We go from being emotionally detached as parents ("Father Knows Best") to trying to be friends with our kids ("Gilmore Girls").
We go from treating those with behavior/mental issues being portrayed as "oddballs" or "crazy" to diagnosing every every other person (or kid) with a 'issue' of some sort.
We go from treating obvious bullying as "boys/kids" being "boys/kids" to treating any level of conflict as a 'horrendous'.
In short, we have this habit of overlooking or zooming past a happy medium on the way to 'correcting'. It's like we start to skid one way and jerk the wheel the other way thinking that we will get straightened out, when instead we are more likely to crash in the opposite direction of the original skid. So, this leads me to a what I see as a derivative of the Serenity Prayer. I'll call it the "Prayer of Wisdom for Society". God grant us the wisdom to push for change that is needed, but not too far; to recognize when change isn't needed or desirable and the ability to accept that we don't always have control over it. Realizing the old should not be rejected simply because it is old, nor should the new be embraced simply because it is new. But evaluating everything on its merits and looking to our You, our Higher Power, for guidance. Breaking it down
To push for change that is needed, but not too far
Speech is an example.
We recognize speech that openly and purposefully encourages others to violence and/or explicitly threatens others, especially 'innocents'. We push for condemnation of it, denial of a forum for it and in the most extreme cases take legal action against it.
However, speech that speaks out against another's beliefs, another's lifestyle or similar or could simply just offend someone is protected speech. Certainly we have a right to free speech and can condemn what we see as unfair or rude. However, when we start denying others a right to speak (especially under threat of legal action) because we don't like what they are saying, we are edging towards fascism.
Development of a beautiful vacation areas is an example.
Say we have a nice coastal area that is underdeveloped. That is to say it is say it could use some revenue/development to make it a viable vacation spot.
If we go too far in development of it we risk destroying its ecosystem and/or the essence of it in pursuit of the almighty dollar.
To recognize when change isn't needed or desirable.
A widely recognized instance of this truth being ignored occurred when The Coca-Cola Company in April 1985 decided to change discontinue the recipe of their signature product (Coca-Cola) in favor of a new recipe for it. A public backlash pushed them to go back to return to the old formula by July of the same year.
The original recipe was still widely popular and the public had great nostalgia for the name (and recipe).
As Pepsi Max has shown, you can successfully make a formula variant of the original brand and still retain the old brand, rather than just replacing the original brand formula altogether.
And the ability to accept that we don't always have control over it.
Sometimes circumstances force change on us. For example, as the population of a city (or an area) grows, so grows the need for new housing and roads, making it harder to hold onto green space around town. We may be sentimental about the quaint smaller town we grew up in, but as the population grows we often have to face the reality that in time we will have to deal with less open space, more traffic and more pollution. All the sentimentality in the world will not change the reality of the needs on the ground.
Realizing the old should not be rejected simply because it is old,nor should the new be embraced simply because it is new. But evaluating everything on its merits and looking to our You, our Higher Power, for guidance.
Sometimes we get caught up in new--diet, style, car, music, idea--because it appeals to our sense of different, creative, fun, entitlement.
What we fail to realize that is sometimes the old is either better or it functions quite well relative to our needs.
For example, we may want more updated computers in our department, but the cost benefit of getting them vs. using the old ones for another year or two might not add up, especially when the old ones suit our needs quite admirably.
For example, society may push a new diet fad that is unproven (and possibly unhealthy) because the old diet seems stale. Given time and results, we might find the old diet is actually much healthier or safer.
History is littered with 'revolutionaries' who pushed an idealistic message or system. Yet when their message or system is put into practice, the people suffer--think Communism or Nazism.
If we are guided by our better self and our Higher Power, we usually realize whether we should stay with the old or go to the new.
-- I'm going to close this post with a personal aside. When I was growing up 7-Eleven was the 'it' spot. They had slurpees, they had video games, gum, candy, and little knick-knacks that a kid might want. In short, it was a happy place we usually walked up to. I don't think kids walk up to the store so much anymore, QT has largely eclipsed 7-Eleven and arcade games are not founds so much in stores anymore. However, my daughter loves the heck out of QT. They have a kitchen with the foods a kid could enjoy, they have a candy and knick-knack area and they have a beverage area that is second to none. She'll never have the joy of running up to 7-Eleven to play games and getting treats. But, she will always remember the 'new' hangout in our area. Population needs changed the dynamics of the area, but the change wasn't totally for the bad. A happy place from your childhood is still a happy place.
Don't it always seem to go / That you don't know what you've got til its gone / They paved paradise / And put up a parking lot…
One time I was observing a group on the news disrupting a church service attended by a certain politician. They used the forum to try to push their agenda. I won't identify the issue or actors as I don't want to distract from the larger point. But, I wondered what made their agenda so important that they felt the need to shut down the service and the harass the politician attending it? A possible answer occurred to me: People sometimes find it less painful to 'change' society than to accept themselves or change what they don't like about themselves. In short, for some people forcing everyone to 'accept' them or their agenda is easier than coming to terms with themselves. That is to say, they are unwilling to do the emotional, spiritual or mental lifting required to come to terms with themselves and would rather push society toward 'validating' them--even if such validation would be forced.
Before I dive into this topic further, I want to make a few notes or disclaimers as I see it.
I don't mean to dismiss the need for social change in some areas. Nor do I mean to dismiss the right or need to protest for such. Women's suffrage and destroying the Jim Crowe legacy were clear examples of the need for and the right to protest for change. I believe, most people when you stripped away the excuses and rationalizations realized at the time that women should have an equal vote in our republic and that no one should be denied service due to the color of the skin they were born with. Clearly, pushing societal change was the right thing to do.
Sometimes people pushing for social change might do so for different reasons. One because he or she has inner demons to deal with, while the other would be due to a sincere belief in that cause. Still another might have mixed motives. I'm focusing on the person who is using a 'cause' as an excuse to not deal with their personal demons.
People shouldn't generally be forced to buy into an idea or change.
It can speak of arrogance to those pushing it. As if there idea or change is THE only right one. Some ideas/changes aren't necessarily the right direction no matter how forcefully pushed. See Nazi Germany as an extreme example.
Doing so can cause problems with the idea or change taking effectively. This is especially true when other parties are denied a voice in the process. Our Constitution anticipated this and while not perfect put processes in place: Having Congress write laws, having the executive branch enforce them, having SCOTUS review the laws for Constitutionality and giving us a process to amend the Constitution to seek consensus where there is not clarity.
Changes done Constitutionally rather than by fiat, I believe have a better history of going more smoothly. Constitutional amendments are rarely questioned today vs. those done by fiat as there is a sense of being better settled.
Changes done by fiat can also be undone by fiat. If feel you were denied a voice in a change, you won't have as much of an issue with rolling back the change outside Constitutional boundaries.
Not everyone has to buy into an idea or change.
Sometimes forcing them to do so is to deny them their first amendment rights (to speak out).
If the change is for the better, society is more likely to gradually embrace it anyway.
So ideas or changes don't require everyone to buy into them to become effective.
So back to my main point. It occurred to me that some of the people pushing the hardest, shrieking the loudest and/or tolerating no dissent sometimes are doing so because of inner demons they have regarding the issue or change they are pushing. In short, as Shakespeare said in Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much methinks".
To wit:
Mark Foley, a champion against child pornography and who led the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children and led pushed for stronger laws to protect children against possible pornographic exploitation with the Child Modeling Exploitation Prevention Act of 2002. The Act failed in part due to its overly broad nature. In any case, in 2006, he had to resign in disgrace from Congress when he was exposed to have have sexted underage pages.
On the one hand he practically carried 'protection' of children on his shoulders by himself, but on the other hand he struggled with exploiting underage boys.
It is important to protect children and they need champions for them in high places. However, the extent that he pushed for 'protecting children' ultimately appeared to be either a cover for or a shame reaction for his own demons.
In Oregon, a Christian couple was being pushed to bake a cake for a reception of a gay wedding, when it was probably obvious that they were "Christian-owned" business (Sweet Cakes). My understanding it that they were likely not comfortable with the idea of 'condoning' gay marriage by participating in the celebration thereof. They balked citing their faith and ultimately had their business and livelihood destroyed.
As they were located near Portland, OR, a number of similar businesses nearby could easily have met the wedding cake request. This was likely known by the couple who requested the cake.
The couple that requested the cake, were probably aware of the the nature of the business, but instead of turning the other cheek (and respecting that a faith-based business could disagree with them), they pushed forward and sued the bakery into oblivion.
Instead of accepting that others could disagree with celebrating their lifestyle choice based on freedom of religion, it would seem that they were determined to 'force' society into complete acceptance and condoning of their lifestyle choice.
It wasn't enough that the state accepted and condoned their lifestyle choice, the couple seemed to 'need' additional validation of their choice and couldn't accept that anyone could disagree with celebrating it (even if their faith dictated that). In short, accept and celebrate us even if it is against your sincere and traditional religious beliefs OR we will shut you down.
My take is that in some of these cases, the 'advocates' would rather prove to everyone (and to themselves) how righteous they are by trying to force everyone else to agree, rather than reaching deep inside them and accepting that that is isn't necessary. In short, forcing society to artificially 'validate' them rather than being comfortable with who they are.
I'm not going to be the referee of what causes are worthy to push for provided that the 'innocent' aren't hurt nor is our safety or security. I'm not going to tell others how to live. Ultimately, I believe that each of us has to answer to our "Higher Power". That being said, I don't want my right to free speech or free exercise of my faith smothered by a 'need' of another to be at peace with his or herself or their agenda. That I believe is the start of fascism. The very act of shutting or crushing another's freedoms for your own comfort or benefit is fascist in my humble opinion.
As Evelyn Beatrice Hall said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". This applies to the right to practice your faith. The Constitution doesn't guarantee a right to be free of being offended.
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My takeaway?
You have a right to express your Constitutionally protected beliefs.
You do not have a right to deny others the same regardless of your 'needs'.
If you are too damaged to cope with others having an alternative belief to you, you probably need to work on yourself.
If you 'require' or need to 'force' others to agree with you to have peace in your life, that's an indication that you probably need to work on yourself.
If your first instinct is to try and shut other down rather than convince them, its a clear indication that you have fascist tendencies and need to work on yourself.
I know this post was controversial, but I've got to be true to myself. My journey through understanding addiction, codependence and human nature is intended to help others, but is not intended to be a whitewash of how I see things. It is intended to give a perspective perhaps that hasn't occurred to everyone or even anyone. I know that I am not anywhere near being always right and try to own when I'm not. However, it is most important to me to express things as I see them. As I've told a few others when I 'see' unpleasant 'truths', I don't enjoy it and sometimes I wish and hope what I 'see' isn't so.
Thanks for reading and I hope this hasn't at least given you food for thought or at possible understanding of what drives some people.
Tonight (3/31/16) I dealt with what I considered a 'harassment' letter from an attorney for my dad's nursing home. Long story short: My dad stayed there and ultimately had a lien placed on his house so they could recuperate costs not covered by Medicaid. Anyway, I as his POA signed an agreement about a year ago which included promissory note giving them the authority to seize the house should his bill not be paid in full by the end of last year. The attorney has been a real jerk and my attorney who is familiar with him says that he is pushy. Anyway, thinking this whole matter I realized that I wasn't really fazed by the letter pressing the family for money. I realized part of my serenity on the matter is that I realize that they will get my dad's house and it is up to them to flip it to get what they are owed. But, I also realized something else: I have serenity on it because I am no longer caught up in what I call a "shame cycle". Over the past number of years, I have felt shame over not being able to save my brother and a friend, respectively, from harming themselves. I have felt the shame of a failed marriage, a foreclosed house, bankruptcy, underemployment, not being a 24/7 parent of my daughter, not being there enough for my mom before she died and then having to walk away from my dad at times while his health was failing for my own sanity in the face of his insolence/difficult behavior as his health was progressively failing. My friend Ben refers to a shame based "bottoming out" as a "shame crater". At times, my "shame crater" seemed to be as large as the volcano crater I walked through in Hawaii. As anyone who has stopped to think about it has realized, when you are operating under a cloud of shame, your decision-making and/or confidence is compromised. It doesn't matter if the shame is justifiable or not, the result is still the same. I refer to this as a "shame cycle" because I think a lot of times shame has a way of keeping us in a rut or bad cycle. Furthermore, I think circumstances and/or people can wittingly or unwittingly support the continuation of this rut. I am grateful that God has moved me to a place where I am not stuck in that cycle like I was, but I am well aware that sometimes the cycle is so deeply embedded in one's persona that it takes a/some dramatic event(s) or a dramatic change to shake us out of the rut or cycle. Unfortunately, for me it took the complete implosion of the marriage to my ex and the suicide of my brother to start to start to put a stop to the cycle. I think sometimes when we are stuck in a bad cycle, especially a shame one, we know something has to give for us to start feeling healthy or recovering again, but the fear of what it has to be keeps us from going there. One more quick note, I have found the following are useful in stopping or breaking a shame cycle:
Counsel of trusted others - Whether it be a friend, minister or actual counselor.
Measuring myself and my worth in God's eyes, rather than my own or the eyes of the world.
Confidence - Especially when you know it is supported by a sense of honor or propriety.
Anyway, just think of a shame cycle like a wash cycle. Eventually, it has to end to allow go onto the next the next step in the process. Just my thoughts for the evening...
