Codependency and Letting it Go

As I have gotten older and have had time to process things in my own life and the world around me, I can come to understand things aren't always what they seem or at least there is a reason or backstory to it.   When discussing origins of codependency, if we are honest, I think we have to acknowledge our formative years are a big part of it.  In that vein, in discussing what I've learned in my own life, I have to revisit my formative years with my parents.   I always have hated when people go on a talk show and bash their parents as if their parents were big ogres who didn't care about them and ruined their lives.  Yes, I believe there are parents out there who are totally beyond the pale selfish and who never should have raised children.  However, I think in most cases parents, no matter how imperfect they are, at least try to be decent parents.  Unfortunately, many parents are a product of their own dysfunctional background.  In other words, they are at least somewhat broken.   If an artist with talent is given a fine brush, he or she is more likely to be able to produce a work of art than if he or she is given a coarse brush.  Similarly, I believe when critiquing a person's child-rearing actions, results and success, it it important to understand what tools he or she had to work with.  In this vein, I don't mean to be critical of my own parents in that regard.  They were a product of their own environment, but I have to acknowledge them to acknowledge origins of my own codependency.  Anyway, that's my disclaimer.

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As a child of an an alcoholic father with anger problems, I was trained early on to find ways ways to keep the peace or at least to avoid 'problems' for myself.  It didn't help that my mom was codependent either. An alcoholic father and codependent mother was a combination that didn't always work well. In any case, doing my part to keep the peace meant things like:

• Staying out of my parent's conflicts.
• Avoiding Dad when he was in a bad mood.  Often that meant staying out of the way until he would go to work.
• When confronted and challenged by Dad when he was angry
•  Don't say too much.  The risk of saying the 'wrong thing' was not worth the grief that it could/would bring.  I had to determine if the confrontation was venting or an actual answer was expected.
•  When I was pressed to answer, I sometimes felt the need to acknowledge he was correct.   The question, "Is that asking too much?", often would be met with a "No" just to avoid further trouble.
• Other times, when pressed, I would carefully defend myself.  I would have to do things like
• Explain that I misunderstood and it wasn't that I meant to not to listen to him.
• Explain carefully how I did what was asked without coming across as challenging him as not getting it.

If it isn't obvious in each case, I was compelled to read the situation and respond in a way that wouldn't escalate the anger (at least that I thought wouldn't).  The irony about is I realized eventually that responding in a codependent way to a person with anger issue can be triggering for them, in which case, it's a no-win situation. However, I digress.

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I have come to realize a few things about codependency and what it is and what it isn't.

What it is

• Trying too hard to change another's opinion of you, instead of just being yourself.
• Trying to control what other's think of you and/or how they behave to or around you.
• Tailoring your words and actions in a way to get a hoped for response rather than it being the proper thing to do or say.
• Hoped for praise (worship) or other similar positive feedback.
• Hoped for freedom from criticism.
• Shutting down your voice to avoid offending or upsetting another.
• Conceding too much to avoid a fight, where it is appropriate to advocate for yourself.

What it isn't

• Being considerate or taking the feelings of others into account.
• Recognizing the right of others to have an opinion of you, even if you don't like it and/or believe it is wrong.
• Showing that you'll advocate for or defending yourself.
• Recognizing that some battles aren't worth fighting and opting out of them.  Sometimes, you recognize limitations in dealing with certain people in your sphere and it is fruitless to engage or 'fight' them.
• Tailoring your behavior towards doing or saying the appropriate things because it is appropriate to do so.

In my opinion, getting rid of codependency means recognizing that while you can influence for or advocate for yourself, you cannot control what others think or feel about you.  It means living your life and engaging others in a way that is right and appropriate rather than manipulative, beneficial or just to avoid problems.

Comfort zone and communication

When we think of the term "comfort zone", we may think of a place in which we are lacking courage.  In other words, a place in which we would rather stay than take a chance--a safe space of sorts.  For me, last fall (Fall of 2014), stepping out of my comfort zone was skydiving.

When I think of comfort zone (zone of comfort) in a relationship, I often think of it as a place or a space we provide a loved one to be his or herself.  In a way, we are giving them permission to be themselves or to figure things out without pressure, fear of recrimination, ridicule, or shame.

Gabriel García Márquez "Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life"

Our public life is self-explanatory.  Our private life is things we share only with family or friends close to us.  In a way our "secret life" is our super private life.  In our 'secret life', we have thoughts, feelings, that we 'dare not share' with anyone out of shame or fear of consequences.  This is what I see as our "secret life".  It can be thoughts that are too out there, embarrassing, or rude; feelings that we are uncomfortable sharing; bad choices or mistakes we want to just hide out of fear of humiliation/shame or things we are trying to figure out without undue pressure or fear.  In short, these are thing things that are just generally between us and God.

It's funny, we can do something embarrassing like lock our keys in our car or have a mild 'tragedy' like have a fender bender and we'll talk about it with others readily, but some thoughts/ideas/mistakes are so uncomfortable that we just really would rather trip and fall on our face, stub our toe or run into a wall rather than sharing them.

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Someone who truly loves you, be it a BFF or a significant other, will allow you a comfort zone (or zone of comfort) in which you can express your 'secret life' without fear of pressure, abandonment or recrimination.   Sometimes what you have to say might be difficult for the other person to hear.  It may be something they are uncomfortable thinking about or an thought, answer or non-answer that they aren't satisfied with.  You name it?  For example, you might need to admit a weakness, like an addiction to/or desire for booze, gambling, overeating, pain meds, porn, etc. or you may have thoughts that you think are out there.  The natural instinct is to avoid these subject matters rather than deal with consequences--real or perceived of expressing them.   Someone who truly loves you will make it clear that he or she will not pressure you, abandon you or leave you hanging when you express your 'secret thoughts'.  As a matter of fact, often time they, sensing you need to talk, will open up the dialog and give you a sign that it is safe for you to express yourself.

In my own failed marriage, I felt like my ex and I never really truly established this zone of comfort.  More often than not, when uncomfortable things came up, we ignored them.  When we didn't ignore them, it seemed like we ended up not giving each other enough space to be ourselves.  It is hard for a relationship to thrive, if even survive in such an environment.  From my perspective typically without a zone of comfort, resentment can build up and eventually something will give and it won't be small or pretty.  

In a way, the inability to provide a zone of comfort is a sign of codependency.  We either need our significant other to be someone who they aren't due to our own insecurities or we are so worried about 'saving the relationship' that we won't do anything that could 'jeopardize it'.  The irony of it is relationship dances like these really don't save a marriage, but instead tend to delay the inevitable while the relationship is hollowing out.

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But, I digress.  A zone of comfort is a special gift you give to someone you love.  It can mean putting aside your own insecurities to listen to them and/or help another with theirs.  It can mean doing serious listening when you want to speak instead.  Effectively it is allowing another to be vulnerable around you.   In a way, this is part of the hard work of a successful relationship.

HOWEVER, for those still not convinced that it is completely safe to put yourself out there with your significant other, I have a few tricks:

• Blame it on the 'script'.  As we know, we are following an invisible script.  So, I just say, well I had to say it, it was in the script.  However, you must be prepared to show said script later.  ;-)
• This is the more risky tact, but blame it on the 'insane' voice in your head.  Say, "I didn't want to say it, but the insane voice in my head kept telling me too."  This is the 'little devil on your shoulder'.  Granted this may scare the other person away, but at least you'll amuse yourself.  ;-)

Just my thoughts on providing a comfort zone for communication.

 

The highway, one-way streets and embracing vs. tolerating.

Do you find yourself consistently giving and giving in relationship and getting little in return?  It is like driving down the highway day after day in the same direction, cross country and expecting to make it home.   Sure, you can fill your tank up at places along the way, but eventually your car will break down and leave you stranded.  Similarly, you can scratch and claw and find hope in a one-sided, one-way relationship, but eventually you will be mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and having nothing left for anyone including yourself.

As my ex-father in law said, "the highway goes both ways".

Sometimes you just have to pull the car off the road and wait for the other person to drive to you.  It can feel risky, scary or uncertain when you are so used to doing the reaching out, but it is a necessary step.  If nothing else, you cannot expect the other to come to you if you continually deprive him/her of the opportunity to meet you halfway.  Beyond that, sometimes you just need to know IF the other person has the capacity and presence of mind to know he/she needs to meet you half way.

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A variety of the above concept or a finer point on the scale is tolerating vs. embracing.   Tolerating, no matter how you wrap it up is never as warm, giving or loving when compared to embracing.

      Tolerating to me means:
         a) I don't really get you, but you offer me something anyway, so I will stay with  you.
         b) I don't necessary like you, but you offer me something anyway,....
         c) If you stop offering me something in return for tolerating you, don't be surprised if I leave.
Effectively, tolerating is a calculation that what I are putting up with is worth what I am getting in return.

     Embracing to me means:
        a) Your quirks are cute, funny or charming.
        b) I accept you for who you are, not what you can give me in return.
        c) I would feel sad if you changed the things that made you uniquely you.


So, the questions I ask myself are these: Am I tolerating or embracing?  What does embracing look like?  If I am tolerating, can I get to a point of embracing?

Some things/relationships aren't meant to be embraced or tolerated,  The keys are learning to embrace what we need to regardless of how unpleasant it is and those things/relationships we shouldn't tolerate letting go of them.