This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
I recently read about and heard a lecture from and will probably buy a book of a man who was at age 12 started to lose his ability to communicate with others and fell into a vegetative state. After less than three years, started to regain consciousness. By age 19 he was fully conscience, but with exception of eyes, was unable to move and thus found it hard to let anyone know he was conscience and aware. Eventually a compassionate and perceptive caregiver realized when talking with him that he 'was there' and understood him. By age 25, he was sent to Center For Augmentative and Alternative Communication at the University of Pretoria, where they tested him and realized that he was conscience and aware--essentially that he was 'alive' as we know it. He was a boy, then later a man trapped in a locked body. He effectively lost his ability to communicate in virtually any way. His name is Martin Pistorious and his story is told in a book called Ghost Boy. He eventually gained some control over his upper body and was able to communicate with others via computer software and now he even wheelchair races.
I had written a blog called Strays: Thoughts on those who don't conform or fit in. It was about those who don't fit into society's mold of what is preferred or acceptable. Effectively, in a way I see outsiders as 'strays' of a sort. After reading Martin's story, I feel compelled to expand my definition of 'strays' or give a specific category of strays. If we live long enough--usually by an early age--we run across and struggle with those who struggle physically, mentally and/or emotionally. I think individually many people struggle with them. I believe as a society we struggle with them. To me these are the true 'strays'. It's one thing being an outsider and being largely invisible. It's quite another having struggles you didn't bring on yourself that literally few around you can relate to or even know how to deal with.
Mr. Pistorious was alive and aware but he was literally out of reach of people. For most he was a chore, something to take care of. He was a living shell of a human, but not a person. It got me to remember someone in high school. I knew a kid in high school who had stunted growth and got around in a wheel chair and reminds me of a teenage version of a Shiner's Hospital kid. I sat with him, but I didn't fully embrace him as I was not sure and a bit selfish. Instead of focusing on a possible friend, I was worried about how poorly I fit in and how I'd wished I'd fit in better with the "cool kids". I have thought about that circumstance from time to time and have felt ashamed of myself that I didn't embrace him more and be a true friend. I don't know what happened him or if he's still alive, but my hope is that he was able to have a fulfilling life despite his limitations and despite not being embraced properly by people like me.
I guess my point is this, when given the chance take some time out, go out of your comfort zone and embrace someone who is not easy to embrace, that you struggle with embracing. I don't mean to not embrace the 'run-of-the-mill' outsider, but take the time to embrace those who could use a little compassion and love. Yeah, it might awkward, you might not know exactly what to say or do, but do a random act of kindness. At this time our nation is in the clutches of a pandemic, so the opportunities might be more limited, but I would guess there still are some. When it lifts, opportunities will be plentiful.
Whether it is volunteering to feed the homeless, to offer childcare at a 'crisis nursery', to sing to the elderly, to plant a flag for our fallen soldiers or veterans at a memorial, or to help a sick kid get a wish, they opportunities are out there to embrace 'true strays'.
- Rich
Even fallen soldiers are strays, they are people who deserve to be remembered or thought of. You may never get spiritual feedback from them, but I think on some level, you will give something to them. Whether it is to their spirit or to the families that lost the loved older one, you are still giving.
Time and time again, I've heard that one of the keys to a successful marriage is communication. It sounds good as an open line of communication is good in any relationship--friendship, professional, parent/child, sibling etc. However, what does that mean in practical terms? I've thought about that from time to time as I have explored or considered ways to improve the various relationships in my life. I never could find the words to express it however. I finally stumbled upon a phrase which captures it for me: Relational Awareness.
What I am talking about is: how to be yourself, but also be a good partner, friend, parent, sibling, etc. I'll start by exploring (from my perspective), what I consider the unhealthy relationship personalities.
Co-dependence
It can look like selflessness or thoughtfulness, but in reality it may be anything but that.
The co-dependent may truly and actually sacrifice, but often for the wrong reason or motivation. Often the difference is subtle.
The codependent may truly be sacrificing, but it is hopes of gaining approval or in some cases just keeping the peace.
Behaviors/actions may be guided by a desire to keep (or make) the other party happy, not because it is the best course of action. In other words, minimizing yourself in hopes of being approved of.
Ambivalence
Expressing mixed feelings or sending mixed messages.
Caring about the other person, but not necessarily being fully invested.
It can at times appear one partner doesn't care about the other, but in some ways it might actually be caring too much, just not always showing it do to being in a conflicted state
Narcissism
Can play out in a few ways.
Obvious indifference to the other.
Actions/behaviors undertaken are taken without regard to what is important to your partner.
To the extent it seems like a narcissist cares about the other, it is usually based on subtly manipulating them for advantage. Examples can include:
Being the 'helpful' or 'generous' one, when the real goal is to gain allies in quest for position.
Offering to buy a home security system or installing security on electronic devices when the goal is to monitor or keep track of another.
I'm sure this is not a complete list, but really my larger point is this: What characterizes good communication. When I speak of communication, I don't just mean things spoken, but things unspoken too. Each relationship personality type, is an example of what DOESN'T lend itself towards good communication.
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It occurred to me, a couple can best succeed if they have what I call relational awareness. Some of the characteristics I see in relational awareness.
Being willing to step outside yourself and be willing to see others through a filter not your own.
Thinking of an alcoholic as a selfish jerk who doesn't care about others, when he may be a broken man who lost his family.
Thinking a kid who doesn't do their homework is just lazy, when the truth is the kid is struggling and is too embarrassed to ask for help.
Taking into account the other's circumstances/background in how you relate to them.
This doesn't mean letting relating to them completely on their terms as that can diminish your own self/needs.
Adopting their point of view (POV) or way might in some circumstances be beneficial anyway.
In other circumstances, adopting their POV or way may not be beneficial, however, being respectful of it can be helpful.
What it means is finding a way that respects both people's needs. Your need to be 'heard' and their need for a type of communication which is healthy for them.
For example, a partner who grows up in a household beset by yelling and fighting. That partner may respond poorly to yelling and fighting.
You work to see if the partner can unpack what bothers them.
That doesn't mean never show displeasure at the them. Instead, you might consider different ways to get the same point across before losing your cool and/or you might consider whether the issue is really worth losing your cool. In other words, reserve or limit your 'loud' hostility to really important 'battles'.
Being willing to accept that there people have a way that works best for them and respecting that instead of trying to 'fix it'.
That doesn't mean you never provide or show an alternative way. It can mean putting it out there, but not insisting.
It means that they may not be open to an alternative way at this time and considering whether it is an important enough point or issue to conflict on.
Realize that sometimes people come to the same conclusion in different timing. It may just be they need to internalize another way as their own before they embrace it.
Being willing to consider that people have different ways of communicating and learning to accept it in many cases and work with it in other cases. For example...
Some people need to talk it out as they process.
Some people need to heavily process before they talk it out.
Some people talk out only what they consider the important things. When the 'important things' are agreed upon, the little things will tend to fall into place better.
Some people like to talk out what could be deemed as less important. The 'big picture' is made up of countless 'little pictures'.
In short, it doesn't mean just conceding to the other person, but it does mean
Accepting that other points of view can and often do have legitimacy.
Accepting that even if your way may look better objectively, their way may be better for them or better for them at this time (in other words, it may be something that can be worked on, just not forced upon them).
Accepting that some battles just aren't important enough. In other words, you can disagree without being disagreeable, especially if their intent is good.
Accepting that a relationship is a work in progress. Like any journey in life, the moment you think you've arrived, you stop growing.
If communication was easy then the country would not be awash in marital counselors. If it was easy then people would never fight. If it was easy the divorce rate would probably not be as high.
To me this is really an extension or expansion of my prior post about 2D vs. 3D relationships. It is important not just knowing things about the other person, but really having a sense about what makes them tick and trying to work with that knowledge.
I was having a conversation recently with someone who will remain unnamed. I was trying to express or get out a thought and wasn't quite successfully relaying my thoughts. That person was just looking at me in a cool, unhelpful way, not saying anything really and not reaching out trying to help me to where I was headed with my thoughts. Anyone who has spoke in front a group of people and got stuck on blank, disinterested or even hostile stares knows the feeling. It is like being stranded or exposed, where the discomfort quickly becomes acute. So, it occurred to me that I could express this (purposeful?) disconnect in terms bridge building. That is to say, I was building a bridge to my audience (of one) and ran out of materials--got stuck completing or explaining my thought. Now, I was left stranded or hanging out there without a way to reach my audience. Had the person been more friendly to me, they'd have grab some supplies--ideas or thoughts--and started building a bridge back to me. That is to say, they'd have helped me finish my incomplete thought. Then we'd have had a connection or been 'bridged' together. Unfortunately, when what you are trying to communicate is important, something suffers when the other party won't help with building the or connecting to your bridge. After further reflection, I figured or determined that there are at least four types of bridge-building exercises. Two involve a misconnection, one involves a one-sided connection and the final one involves a good connection where both sides share in the process and benefits Scenario 1: Leaving me stranded.
Characterized by one party getting stuck when trying to express or communicate a thought or idea (run out of supplies and can't build to the other party).
The other party instead of helping the the first party finish connecting--building a bridge towards where they had to stop--leaves them hanging.
A blank, clueless or hostile stare.
Impatient words or attitude
General unwillingness or inability to help the other connect
Compels the first party to make sure they have their thoughts or ideas completely buttoned down when communicating with the other party.
Discourages the first party from attempting at communicating or connecting, lest they be left hanging when and if they get stuck.
Scenario 2: Close but never quite meeting.
Characterized when two parties communicate past each other. It is like each is building a parallel bridge to the other.
Both parties want to communicate with each other as characterized by both working on a bridge to the other, but don't know how to reach each other or connect.
Instead of listening to what the other is saying or the needs of the other, they build a bridge in the direction of where they think the other SHOULD BE and expect the other party to meet them.
Instead of stubbornly continuing to build a bridge past the other (talking past each other) and trying to force the other into building their bridge in their direction (expecting them to fit into their thinking), each party should actually pause and see how they can meet.
If they stop in their efforts to build a bridge past each other and they start building a bridge towards each other, the bridge my not look pretty, but it will get them where they need to be--specifically communicating and connecting. Communication doesn't have to be perfect to be effective. Just like a bridge doesn't have to be built perfectly to get people to where they need to go.
Scenario 3: Bridges always built completely from one direction
Characterized when one party is always doing all the bridge building. i.e., in reaching out or communicating with the other. The other party is open to what you have to say, but they aren't willing to do reach out or do the work to get their.
Eventually the first party will run out of building supplies when they are the one(s) always building the bridge to the to other side. That is to say, eventually when one party is responsible for reaching out, communicating, or connecting, eventually that side will tire of being the bridge builder and no longer have it in them.
This type of bridge building may be effective and communication may be good for a time, but for long term bridge building it will fail miserably. It doesn't compel or teach the other party to work on a bridge towards you. It may even deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to reach you or even worse it may cover up their disinterest in reaching you--communicating--if it isn't on their teams.
Scenario 4: The two sides shall meet in the middle.
Characterized when both parties participate in meeting each other in a bridge building exercise (aka communicate or connect).
One party might do a bit more of the bridge building, but it is clear each side is trying to their part in the bridge building. (Each are reaching out, communicating and engaging in give and take).
This is the best long term model. If each believe the other is an active participant in the bridge building exercise, they will know that if their efforts to build a bridge stall (they struggle with communication/connection for a bit), that the other party will carry the effort for a while.
In the situation I originally described, the other party to my thoughts or efforts to communicate saw where I was struggling to express myself. In this scenario, they could have waited patiently while I processed my thought, they could have suggested to me what they thought I might be driving or they could have asked questions to draw that information out.
I feel that it is best possible when needing good communication/connection when dealing with others that, it is always best to extend a little bit of bridge to the other party to start with. This will show the other party that you are willing to make some effort to meet them in the middle and don't expect them to do all the heavy lifting. If it is a party that is not necessarily favorably disposed to you, while you extend a little bridge, you limit what you extend. If it is a party that is favorably disposed to you, it is safer to extend quite a bit of bridge to the other party. In either case, at some point it is best to give the other party the opportunity to work on building their own bridge back to you. To deny them that opportunity, deprives them of the opportunity to work on their own communication/connection skills as well sets up an expectation that they don't have to. In either case, it is important to remember bridge building with others, especially loved ones is not necessarily a one-time exercise but a life-long process. Learning how to effectively connect and communicate--and maintain such connection/communication--with others, especially loved ones, is something that will always require some work and never should be taken for granted. I believe my Higher Power (God), made us social creatures, but He also gave us a free will. Therefore, the desire to communicate and connect with others is always there, but knowledge how to do so effectively and the willingness to do what it takes can be a sticking point. I believe if we remember these things when considering how we relate to others, we will be at a good starting point for effective bridge building...
When we think of the term "comfort zone", we may think of a place in which we are lacking courage. In other words, a place in which we would rather stay than take a chance--a safe space of sorts. For me, last fall (Fall of 2014), stepping out of my comfort zone was skydiving. When I think of comfort zone (zone of comfort) in a relationship, I often think of it as a place or a space we provide a loved one to be his or herself. In a way, we are giving them permission to be themselves or to figure things out without pressure, fear of recrimination, ridicule, or shame. Gabriel GarcÃa Márquez "Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life" Our public life is self-explanatory. Our private life is things we share only with family or friends close to us. In a way our "secret life" is our super private life. In our 'secret life', we have thoughts, feelings, that we 'dare not share' with anyone out of shame or fear of consequences. This is what I see as our "secret life". It can be thoughts that are too out there, embarrassing, or rude; feelings that we are uncomfortable sharing; bad choices or mistakes we want to just hide out of fear of humiliation/shame or things we are trying to figure out without undue pressure or fear. In short, these are thing things that are just generally between us and God. It's funny, we can do something embarrassing like lock our keys in our car or have a mild 'tragedy' like have a fender bender and we'll talk about it with others readily, but some thoughts/ideas/mistakes are so uncomfortable that we just really would rather trip and fall on our face, stub our toe or run into a wall rather than sharing them. -- Someone who truly loves you, be it a BFF or a significant other, will allow you a comfort zone (or zone of comfort) in which you can express your 'secret life' without fear of pressure, abandonment or recrimination. Sometimes what you have to say might be difficult for the other person to hear. It may be something they are uncomfortable thinking about or an thought, answer or non-answer that they aren't satisfied with. You name it? For example, you might need to admit a weakness, like an addiction to/or desire for booze, gambling, overeating, pain meds, porn, etc. or you may have thoughts that you think are out there. The natural instinct is to avoid these subject matters rather than deal with consequences--real or perceived of expressing them. Someone who truly loves you will make it clear that he or she will not pressure you, abandon you or leave you hanging when you express your 'secret thoughts'. As a matter of fact, often time they, sensing you need to talk, will open up the dialog and give you a sign that it is safe for you to express yourself. In my own failed marriage, I felt like my ex and I never really truly established this zone of comfort. More often than not, when uncomfortable things came up, we ignored them. When we didn't ignore them, it seemed like we ended up not giving each other enough space to be ourselves. It is hard for a relationship to thrive, if even survive in such an environment. From my perspective typically without a zone of comfort, resentment can build up and eventually something will give and it won't be small or pretty. In a way, the inability to provide a zone of comfort is a sign of codependency. We either need our significant other to be someone who they aren't due to our own insecurities or we are so worried about 'saving the relationship' that we won't do anything that could 'jeopardize it'. The irony of it is relationship dances like these really don't save a marriage, but instead tend to delay the inevitable while the relationship is hollowing out. --- But, I digress. A zone of comfort is a special gift you give to someone you love. It can mean putting aside your own insecurities to listen to them and/or help another with theirs. It can mean doing serious listening when you want to speak instead. Effectively it is allowing another to be vulnerable around you. In a way, this is part of the hard work of a successful relationship. HOWEVER, for those still not convinced that it is completely safe to put yourself out there with your significant other, I have a few tricks:
Blame it on the 'script'. As we know, we are following an invisible script. So, I just say, well I had to say it, it was in the script. However, you must be prepared to show said script later. ;-)
This is the more risky tact, but blame it on the 'insane' voice in your head. Say, "I didn't want to say it, but the insane voice in my head kept telling me too." This is the 'little devil on your shoulder'. Granted this may scare the other person away, but at least you'll amuse yourself. ;-)
Just my thoughts on providing a comfort zone for communication.
