This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
You know sometimes you start a blog post about an idea that hits you that you can relate to and before you know it, it becomes deeply personal to the point of being a little vulnerable. But, here goes. As a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor who was raised in a dysfunctional home with alcoholism and domestic violence, I became aware at a young age of idea of powerlessness and the idea of having any control over anything was ridiculous to me. Add to that the fact that our house looked run down and just not generally presentable, that I wore worn clothes to school, that I was bullied and that I never felt like I fit in and then you can see even more clearly why I would feel that way.
Had someone said control starts with you, I would have laughed at them. The idea of 'being in control' would have sounded utterly absurd to me. As previously mentioned, I didn't have control over what I could wear or what eat, the home in which I live in and its state of repair or disrepair. In my house, I didn't have control over the dysfunction--the yelling, the screaming, in some cases the domestic violence. On my person, I didn't have control over the sexual abuse that happened to me and the bullying in the neighborhood and at school. So, to me the idea to me that I controlled anything would have met with like a "yeah, right" type stare. Before I go on, I just want to state that I'm not focused on what I "didn't have" but am setting up a point. I do realize that I am still fortunate in some ways living in the wealthiest country in the world. But, I digress. I didn't realize it then, but I realize these days that in some ways I had much more control than I understood.
Let's move forward into my adulthood. I was always the 'peacemaker' which in some ways is another way of saying "approval seeker" or "people pleaser". I had started that role in my childhood and played that role in my adult life too. It didn't help that I developed a moderate to severe anxiety condition as a 17 year old and as such sought calm as a result. In any case, this desire for approval (or better yet to not be disliked) led me to not properly stand up for myself. I didn't stand up for myself as a kid and as a young adult I continued this pattern. In some ways, I let those closest to me continued to control me by using my need for approval and my need not to be disliked or unwanted. So, in some ways to me it felt like a progression from my childhood with the manipulation and being controlled that was part of needing acceptance.
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Despite having the sense of 'powerlessness' in my early years and my earlier adulthood, I believe I gradually have awakened to a different view or perspective of control (or power). I used to be view power or control as:
Something that is given or allowed.
Something we have to grab aggressively to gain.
Necessarily involve or interact with that which is outside out.
I've seen the results of a child who had everything taken from him. This child ended up being a bully. He felt like he needed to try to control others to gain control himself. Instead of realizing that he was just a kid and as such his authority was limited, he felt like he needed be pushy with adults to get his way and he needed to demand that he get to do what or get he wanted when he wanted. When he felt his 'authority' being challenged he would get belligerent. When he felt like what he had was at risk, even if that wasn't the case, he felt the need to make proactive threats. In short, he was relying on trying to control others, being aggressive to get and 'keep' power, and blatantly involving outside forces. As you might imagine this didn't work out well for him. If anything he pushed others away, he tended to not get what he wanted in the long run and in many ways lost some of the control or power he had had. In short, he represented the downfall of viewing power the way I had.
As I've grown and matured, I've come to realize that power or control can be:
That which we can implicitly gain or earn.
That which we can find within ourselves.
It isn't necessarily something we are given or allowed, but what we own.
As a teen, when my parents divorced, I was my dad's helper. He wasn't very good at the 'bachelor' thing. I had somewhat taken over cooking near the end of my parent's marriage as my mom spent a lot of time out trying to escape her unhappiness. My dad noted this and when they got divorced, I had 'earned' the role of cooking and shopping. For someone who didn't feel like he had any control that is pretty significant. I had gained my dad's trust in 'taking care of' the house in some ways.
While I've had to push back on family and friends who I felt took me for granted or in some cases took advantage and had to assert control. I've come to realize that control also comes is not necessarily asserting power externally. For this young person I'd met, he often didn't think his behaviors through. He was captive to his emotions. In other words, he wasn't even in control of himself. Often times, control is as simple as making a decision not to let your emotions rule and ruin your day as well as cause conflict. In other words, control in your life is to put yourself in the best position to succeed. When I trained over the summer running during high school, I exhibited control. Running was never easy, especially by myself. But, in order to perform well, I would have to do that which was not comfortable. In a sense, I made a conscience decision to control my actions and in the process exert control over my own future (performance). In short, control here is a conscience decision to what I needed to and try to avoid doing things which were harmful to me.
When my daughter's mom was pregnant with her, often I didn't feel like I was given the respect or taken as seriously as I should have been. I had wondered exactly how I would the "parenting authority". In time, I came to realize it does not have to be something that I would given. Such as voters give to the winning candidate for public office. Nor does it have to be something allowed, like my parents letting me hang out with my friends. What I realized in time was this little person, my infant daughter was learning something profound. In her own infant (and then toddler way), she sensed that her parents were taking care of her, were meeting her needs, we being supportive of her. We didn't really ask for permission so much as we accepted the role of parents. We owned our responsibility. In her own way our baby/infant daughter had learned that she should mind us as she 'knew' that we were there to meet her needs. So, we owned the role and therefore the power or authority that comes with it.
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So, what is my takeaways?
When someone in your life tries to control you, to a large degree the control over you is what you allow or tolerate from them.
Control doesn't need to be something achieved via threats over others. It is best achieved or earned by doing the right things for the right reason and therefore gaining authority or power with that role.
You can't control how people treat you, but you can control your response. You can influence your outcomes positively with control of yourself.
Anyway, just another perspective on control when others in position of power raise endless sum of money trying to essentially 'buy' it. In many regards we are more free than those who seek to gain power.
Thanks for reading and I hope you took something from it.
Recently with the Coronavirus Pandemic raging, I had custody of my daughter for about five weeks. My daughter was just finishing spring break when her school was shut down for Covid-19. I had/have been working from home since that time myself. Until recently her mom wasn't able to do so. So, she wasn't in a position to do anything except call her during the day to make sure she was on track. Beyond that her mom works at a hospital, so there was initial fear that her mom could get the virus at work and spread it to my daughter. After about 4 weeks of work full-time/homeschool, I was getting stressed out. At that point, her mom asked wanted to switch custody. This would give me a break from working full-time/quasi home-schooling my daughter. Obviously, giving my daughter a chance to see her mom and vice versa was a big part of the equation. However, I paused for a moment and was silently screaming, but I can't give her up now, we are just getting untracked with her e-learning. I knew that wasn't the answer I needed to say. So, I said let's work on a transition.
I felt like over the previous weeks, that we had a system in place that could potentially maximize her productivity. Also, I knew I could help her in some areas which my background is very strong. For example, math is a very strong point of mine. Mostly, I felt like I had a beat on her productivity. I was afraid that she would lose the momentum that she gained with me. In short, I was concerned I was afraid of losing control. My intentions were noble. I wanted her to do well with e-learning and I didn't want her to lose momentum or ready access to my help. My heart was saying 'no', but my mind was saying, 'you really should transition her'.
In my brief flirt with control on the issue (and the lingering feelings), I verified a few things I knew and learned a few more about power and control. So, what did I "learn or relearn" about power, control and human nature.
Power/Control Observations.
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It is often driven by fear--a fear that you are the only one who can do 'what needs to be done' properly.
Your assessment may not be accurate. Often times there is more than one good solution to a problem.
Your assessment and actions may discourage others from trying to help. Why fight someone who thinks they act as if they are the only one who can do something right?
Uncertainty or inability to 'read' others whom you would be yielding control to. It sometimes doesn't matter if others have shown the capability of being responsible, just the chance that it might not be done right, is enough to 'not risk it'.
When I'm driving, I know what my intentions and what my capabilities are. When you are driving, I can't tell if you are aware of 'how close you are' to the person in front of or if 'know you need to get over' So, I might harp on you about your driving even when you know you have it under control.
When I'm driving, I know where I am going and I know the route to get there. If you have told me where it is and aren't sure if I know, you might to try to back seat drive. The fact is, I might actually have a good idea how to get there and haven't really said anything or asked because I knew how to get there. But your uncertainty might cause you to feel like you need to 'control' the situation and "make sure" I know.
The goal can be or seem noble or selfless.
I just want to make sure it all turns out for the best, especially if I'm very experienced at it.
I'm looking out for 'your' best interest and I'm am willing to help or do the heavy lifting.
The impact however can be negative.
It can discourage the other person from even trying. If you feel like another is micromanaging you and always taking charge on their schedule, it feels like too much trouble to fight assert your role or try.
It can remove the opportunity for the other person to learn from trial and error.
It can remove the opportunity for a solution that is just as good or better to be discovered.
In my story, in my mind,
I was afraid of my daughter losing her progress or momentum.
I was afraid of letting another be in charge of the seeing to it that she got her homework done or the help she needed.
I assumed that my way 'would work indefinitely' and not have it's own drawbacks.
Such as me getting burned out or her resisting my pressure/steps to keep her on track.
Such as she needed not seeing her mom and pets on her mom's side would have no ill effects even if it was just for a few more weeks.
I assumed that no one else could find a similarly effective path towards making sure she was on track.
I had the hubris to think to for a moment to assert that it was MY role as opposed to a shared role. Even if what I felt was true that I might have a little bit more effective way of keeping her on task, I had to accept that the need to exchange custody was greater.
In a matter of moments, I had given up 'control' of keeping her on track (and keeping custody). At first, because I knew I had no right to ask to keep custody so I could oversee her e-learning I acceded quickly to her mom's suggestion. However, I came to realize soon thereafter that it was, for me, a control issue. I hated give up custody. Also, I was nervous that her e-learning momentum could be lost, but I realize that I had to accept the possibility that my daughter would 'fail' at keeping up her e-learning momentum. I realize a number of years ago that "I can't fix everyone", nor should I try. Similarly, I had to accept the fact that I couldn't guarantee what I deemed a 'successful' outcome. To not understand otherwise would be not to understand the idea of letting go of trying to 'control'. I had to let go and let God. I was sad to be giving her up a few days later and I was a little nervous, but I knew in my heart that I was accepting the role that laid out rather than trying to be a control freak.
A number of years ago, I was talking to a friend and he referenced the term 'gaslighting'. I'd never heard the term before and of course was intrigued. My understanding was that it is a psychological tool by which someone tries to covertly manipulate another into doubting themselves such that they gain some sort of advantage over the other. Wikipedia describes it as this: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
I've seen this in relationships and at times wondered if this was present in my family of origin. The following are ways I see it differently than "garden-variety" or simple manipulation. Simple Manipulation
You want your way, but aren't trying to disable or shutdown the other person in the process. In other words, not purposely abusive.
It may be overt. It can be subtle, but it can be blatant too.
It can be done out of fear or self-protection, but not usually out of downright contempt or throwing responsibility on the other.
The focus of it is usually shorter term.
Examples
Your significant other or child being all nicey-nice when they want you to do a favor for them.
Your child or significant other whining when you ask them to do something they don't want to in hopes you'll drop it.
A friend badmouthing a restaurant when what they really want it to have somewhere else chosen.
Gaslighting
Used to disabled destroy or otherwise render the other person more compliant with little regard for the other's welfare.
This is usually covert or subtle manipulation, meant to keep you from picking up on it.
This is usually done with disrespect and/or contempt towards the victim of it.
The focus is usually longer term.
Examples
You are the problem: When you call and complain to a company about observably poor service or quality and they say "we are sorry you feel that way". As if the real problem is that you are upset or calling out the problem.
You can't do or say anything right: You are always challenged by parent, friend, child or other on your actions or take on everything (and it is clear that they aren't just trying to learn). See the 98% rule: someone has to take blame... Sometimes, it is just your opinion, take or feelings, but the other person seems to always take the alternative position. When called out, they may claim that they are "playing devil's advocate"
It's just your imagination: When you bring up a common experiences from years ago and they act like it never happened (and you know they don't have a bad memory or dementia). Or someone gradually and inconspicuously lowers the lighting, the cooling or the warming and you say it is dark, cool or hot in here and they say act like you are crazy.
If you are wanting a lifeline, go to someone else: When you speak on something that is pretty common knowledge and struggle to get your precise words out and they look at you like what's wrong with you or I have no idea what you are talking about. That is it should be obvious from context what you mean, but they look at you like you are speaking an unknown foreign language. This can either be to subtly mess with your mind or a form of contempt whereby instead of tossing you a lifeline, they walk away and let you fall on your face.
Of course you did well, but what about him/her: When you do well and the other party acknowledges it for a moment but then puts their focus on those who did better without acknowledging the shift in focus.
Ever hear a song that you haven't heard in a while and for whatever reason it sticks in your mind for a while? I don't know if it is an earworm at play, suddenly getting the meaning of it aka "really hearing it for the first time" or just the song having a meaning now that it didn't have when you previously had heard it. I have Sirius XM and they change up some of the channels from time to time. Recently, they made one of their channels to be the "George Michael" channel. Whatever demons he had, he was a very talented singer and songwriter and I've always appreciated that.
Anyway, I heard his version of "Freedom" he wrote as part of Wham. So, it got me to thinking what exactly is freedom? Can something seem like freedom but is really a prison of sorts? So, I pondered those two questions/thoughts as well as others and here is what I came up with.
THOUGHTS/DEFINITIONS OF FREEDOM
The ability to make your own choices/decisions (as opposed to being controlled or pressured to do something different).
That can mean not having to make a choice.
That can mean making a choice which you otherwise might not be able to.
Control can come from an outside source (others).
Control can come from an internal source (our hangups).
The can mean not being held back by ourselves/others.
The ability to be yourself or express yourself without recrimination or at least fear of the consequences of doing so.
Worrying less about what others think as we get older.
Often due to confidence gained from experience.
Often from contempt about being told 'what to okay to do or think', especially when it comes from those with much less life experience.
Often due to fatigue of expending the energy trying to worry about what others think.
The ability to set better set aside or let go of worry about what others think.
Realization that you can't control what others think.
Realization that letting what others think gets in the way of being yourself can be harmful or toxic.
Realization that you'll never be able to please everyone, so you might as well be true to yourself.
Realization that life is too short and some things are just too important to let others dictate or overly influence you.
How we raise our children is a great example of this. While we can heed what others say or take it into account. We can't let others dictate how we parent. Being paralyzed by what others think can get in the way of effective parenting.
Not having to rely on another.
For our material needs.
For our contentment or happiness
For our sense of purpose or being.
Not having 'report' to another.
Could be an employer
Could be a parent or adult or someone who is in charge of you.
Could be a mate.
Nothing left to hold onto/nothing left to lose. This one I will explore in another blog post.
Really just an illusion.
We always have someone we need to report to
Even a business owner will have to 'report' to his or has to answer to clients or potential clients.
Every year on our around April 15th-and for some more often-people have to report to the IRS.
In our modern society, we will always have to rely on others. Examples include
Not everyone can raise their own livestock or farm for feed needs.
We don't have the ability to maintain or fix the roads we travel on in most cases.
Freedom is rarely free
Each Memorial, Veteran's and Independence Day, we are reminded of the cost of fighting to achieve and retain our freedoms (life and death struggle).
Often we have to give up something to gain freedom.
Dying gives us freedom from pain and suffering
Lonliness and alienation from some of those around us can be the cost of freedom from a 'bad relationship'.
Financial hardship can result from being separated from a soul-sucking job.
Let's break some points down a little further.
Freedom From Control
I think when mot people think of freedom, they think of not having to answer to someone or not having someone try to control you in some way. That's easy to spot. What is harder to spot is when is when you are in your own prison. That is where you are beholden to your own demons or hang-ups.
Freedom Is Being Yourself
I believe history is littered with people who felt imprisoned to expectations of those close to them and society in general. Whether we feel we cannot choose whom we couple with, what we should do with our lives, what we are allowed to think or express, or something else along those lines, being imprisoned to the expectations of others is hard on the soul. Back in the day, I've always been a very sensitive person and in some regards in the era I grew up in that was frowned upon as a guy. I felt like there was a pressure to be 'macho' and not show 'weakness' or especially sensitivity. The later for a guy was interpreted by some as a sign of homosexuality or at least being a 'sissy'. I never saw and still don't see those things in myself, but as a teen wanting acceptance, I certainly didn't want to be pegged anything like that. I liked what I liked. I liked 'Wham!' and I think to a large extent people 'knew' George Michaels was gay. I knew it wasn't the most macho music for a guy to listen to, but I liked it, but didn't brag about that. I have realized over time that the fact that I like it was all that was important. It didn't matter if it didn't fit the stereotype of 'dude' music. It didn't matter if people mocked them (and by proxy) guys who might like it. None of that mattered. I like what I like and if others have a problem with it, well I might not be accepted, but if that's the price of acceptance, it's not worth it. But as a guy with a very sensitive side, I knew I had to 'keep it hidden'. Anyway, the freedom to be yourself is either the actually when you aren't criticized for being who you are OR it is the ability to move past caring or at least getting paralyzed by what others think.
Freedom Is A Prison
You want to give up drinking, smoking, gambling, etc. However, your spirit is trapped in rut where you feel compelled to feed your hang-ups. As I alluded to earlier, this can be a prison of sorts rather than 'freedom'. You may be old enough to engage in self-destructive and addictive behavior and you may even celebrate your 'freedom' to engage in certain behaviors. But, in time what seemed like freedom really is imprisonment to your own demons.
Freedom Can Have A Cost
Like most things that matter in life, there is cost. To live a comfortable life, we typically have to work hard and sometimes long hours. To do the best for our kids, we often have to sacrifice or set aside our own needs or wants. Freedom is no different. We may not have to go to the front line and put our life on the line, to ensure our (and others') freedom, but there is usually a cost. If we are okay with being single, we may not have to 'answer to' a mate, but we may feel lonliness at times and we may give up the chance for a love connection. We may be away from a toxic job that was hurting us mentally and/or spiritually, but it may come at a cost of a lifestyle we are used to. We want the freedom to afford to travel where we want, but we have to sacrifice a lot of time on hard work to afford us the opportunity. We have a 1st Amendment to speak our mind, we may not go to prison, but it can cost us things like our job and our friends. There are countless examples, but the point is clear. Freedom is not free.
There are many other possible takes on freedom I'm sure, but these are the ones that stand out to me. As I think freedom means nothing left to lose needs a more of a treatment, I will leave that for later, but I think this covers a lot of ground.
Just my thought and I hope some of my takes get my readers to think about it. Maybe come up with their own definitions and perhaps come up with a different take. In any case, as I am ending this blog, feel free to spend your time on other things. Maybe feel free to look at other blog posts.
As I have gotten older and have had time to process things in my own life and the world around me, I can come to understand things aren't always what they seem or at least there is a reason or backstory to it. When discussing origins of codependency, if we are honest, I think we have to acknowledge our formative years are a big part of it. In that vein, in discussing what I've learned in my own life, I have to revisit my formative years with my parents. I always have hated when people go on a talk show and bash their parents as if their parents were big ogres who didn't care about them and ruined their lives. Yes, I believe there are parents out there who are totally beyond the pale selfish and who never should have raised children. However, I think in most cases parents, no matter how imperfect they are, at least try to be decent parents. Unfortunately, many parents are a product of their own dysfunctional background. In other words, they are at least somewhat broken. If an artist with talent is given a fine brush, he or she is more likely to be able to produce a work of art than if he or she is given a coarse brush. Similarly, I believe when critiquing a person's child-rearing actions, results and success, it it important to understand what tools he or she had to work with. In this vein, I don't mean to be critical of my own parents in that regard. They were a product of their own environment, but I have to acknowledge them to acknowledge origins of my own codependency. Anyway, that's my disclaimer. -- As a child of an an alcoholic father with anger problems, I was trained early on to find ways ways to keep the peace or at least to avoid 'problems' for myself. It didn't help that my mom was codependent either. An alcoholic father and codependent mother was a combination that didn't always work well. In any case, doing my part to keep the peace meant things like:
Staying out of my parent's conflicts.
Avoiding Dad when he was in a bad mood. Often that meant staying out of the way until he would go to work.
When confronted and challenged by Dad when he was angry
Don't say too much. The risk of saying the 'wrong thing' was not worth the grief that it could/would bring. I had to determine if the confrontation was venting or an actual answer was expected.
When I was pressed to answer, I sometimes felt the need to acknowledge he was correct. The question, "Is that asking too much?", often would be met with a "No" just to avoid further trouble.
Other times, when pressed, I would carefully defend myself. I would have to do things like
Explain that I misunderstood and it wasn't that I meant to not to listen to him.
Explain carefully how I did what was asked without coming across as challenging him as not getting it.
If it isn't obvious in each case, I was compelled to read the situation and respond in a way that wouldn't escalate the anger (at least that I thought wouldn't). The irony about is I realized eventually that responding in a codependent way to a person with anger issue can be triggering for them, in which case, it's a no-win situation. However, I digress.
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I have come to realize a few things about codependency and what it is and what it isn't.
What it is
Trying too hard to change another's opinion of you, instead of just being yourself.
Trying to control what other's think of you and/or how they behave to or around you.
Tailoring your words and actions in a way to get a hoped for response rather than it being the proper thing to do or say.
Hoped for praise (worship) or other similar positive feedback.
Hoped for freedom from criticism.
Shutting down your voice to avoid offending or upsetting another.
Conceding too much to avoid a fight, where it is appropriate to advocate for yourself.
What it isn't
Being considerate or taking the feelings of others into account.
Recognizing the right of others to have an opinion of you, even if you don't like it and/or believe it is wrong.
Showing that you'll advocate for or defending yourself.
Recognizing that some battles aren't worth fighting and opting out of them. Sometimes, you recognize limitations in dealing with certain people in your sphere and it is fruitless to engage or 'fight' them.
Tailoring your behavior towards doing or saying the appropriate things because it is appropriate to do so.
In my opinion, getting rid of codependency means recognizing that while you can influence for or advocate for yourself, you cannot control what others think or feel about you. It means living your life and engaging others in a way that is right and appropriate rather than manipulative, beneficial or just to avoid problems.
I have always had an interest in human nature. I've always been fascinated in what makes people tick. For whatever reason, I was a very sensitive kid and am a sensitive adult--which can lead to understanding or being able to read people/situations, but it also can lead to getting hurt more easily. But, I digress. I took an interest specifically in human nature as it relates to codependence and addiction as both hit close to home. I've experienced addiction and/or codependence, from multiple perspectives--firsthand, as a survivor and as an observer. So, I figured I could understand and intelligently talk about the subject matter. Maybe a little bit of hubris, but you talk about what you are confident talking about.
Many of my blog posts are insights from watching others and the world around me. However, some are from personal experiences--a few of which are deeply personal. Anyway, when I do decide to share insight from (deep) personal experience, I do with it the goal of helping others. I hope they can use what I share to relate to, identify with or gain knowledge from what a lifetime of experience has taught me. I am not one who is prone to 'brag' about or verbally vomit my life story on Facebook or other social media. So, I when I share deeply personal experiences, it is mostly with the hope that it is benefiting others. Perhaps to a degree, sharing can give me a fuller opportunity to process or even heal a little bit, but I do sincerely hope I can help others.
What I am about to write as you might imagine has weighed on me for a lifetime and I've shared bit and pieces with those closest to me that I trust. However, I haven't openly shared it for public consumption or even necessarily fully.
So, what are we talking about? Good question. I figured one day after my parents were gone, I'd write about my experience as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). I mean my experiences at the time and the effect it has had since. This as you might imagine is not an easy subject for me to write. My intent is not to throw anyone under the bus or to humiliate or shame anyone living or dead. For this reason, I didn't tell this story publicly until after both of my parents were gone. Furthermore, there are some details I will leave out. Why now?
My parents are gone.
I feel it's part of the healing process.
The #MeToo movement has helped reduce the stigma of sexual abuse.
I want people to realize or not to forget that #MeToo is not or should not be limited to one type of abuse/circumstance. It happens across all types of gender and age bounaries.
Why not, if I can help others relate, understand or become aware of warning signs (before or after abuse), then my unfortunate experiences will not have been in vain.
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Let's start with what I do know:
My dad struggled with demons of alcohol and probably abuse too, sexual and otherwise. I was shocked a few years before he died when discussing the subject with him, he said to me, "Well how do you think I learned?" Wow.
My mom struggled with codependence. She just had always wanted to be accepted and loved and sometimes was a bit obvious with it.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom at least until I was a teen.
My dad was a workaholic and spent a lot of time when he wasn't working drowning his demons with alcohol. I'm sure there was probably more to the story, but you know, not everything is told.
My parents raised six kids with my dad being gone a lot and my mom being the one had to deal with six kids.
Home life was dysfunctional.
There was not enough money (at least left after demon drowning) to attend to our basic needs such as decent clothing, not to say anything of our wants.
I was bullied as a child.
Let's be charitable our house growing up was neglected.
I remember my dad having girly magazines from as long as I remember.
I will not speak for others in my family who may have suffered abuse as well with the exception of my late brother where he talked a little bit to me about it. I am not one to gossip, nor is it my right to speculate or write on the subject matter for others. I speak only for myself. That being said as you will read, I have reason to suspect that others in the family were harmed.
Against the backdrop of a dysfunction family, parents with their own issues, my emotional needs not being met and being shunned at school, it is easy to see that I was an at-risk youth. There were two people that I was aware of that sexually abused me as a child. One I will not speak about directly, but let's just say I was it was an older adolescent whom I looked up to and whom was likely abused himself. The second one was an adult, a 'church camp counselor'. Some of my older siblings went to a church camp which my church at that time participated in. They had met this guy named Rick (and yes that's his actual name). He's the reason when I am called 'Rick", I cringe and hate it.
I don't know the precise point in time, but from what I can piece together, they had met this guy during the summer after I was 8, though it could have been the one before I was 8. Anyway, this guy was associate with another church in our area (as I found out later) and somehow had weaseled his way into getting to be a camp counselor for the boys. Anyway, some of my older siblings had mentioned about this guy and how he seemed like a nice guy and all. Well, as I would later figure out predators tend to be attuned to at risk kids/families. Anyway, Rick weaseled his way into my family first through older siblings and then getting the okay to spend time with us by my parents. It is easy to question, "Where were my parents?" but I realize that this situation occurred long before the 'priest' sexual abuse and similar scandals surfaced. This was a time in which we could leave our front door unlocked and even open without having to worry about being attacked. In other words, a simpler world, a world in which having a having an adult male mentor aka Big Brother, especially one who professed to have good Christian values was seen as a unmitigated positive.
So, Rick came to spend time with us, really he seemed to take special interest in the boys in my family and pretty well ignored the girls. Perhaps should have been red flag number one, I don't know. So, my dad worked a lot and had issues with the bottle and all that came with it. My mom had her hands full with six kids. So, having someone to help was probably considered a blessing. From my perspective as a kid, I was getting picked on at school, I felt shunned because I presented as poor and coming from a family with issues, I had few friends, didn't get the good dad time and felt like I couldn't bring anyone over do to a neglected house. So, to me, I was grateful to have an adult willing to listen to me, who seemed to understand me and seemed to like me and be nice.
Anyway, I don't know when it started, but I would guess between 8 and 9, he started grooming me. I don't remember the sequence of events exactly, but if I had to guess based on my knowledge of what grooming is, he probably first talked to me and made me feel important, touched me on my shoulder or something 'harmless', rubbed my back, or eventually reached my privates--I'm still disgusted by saying this. Let's just say, he probably 'got something out of it' if you know what I mean. This happened at my parents house and and at a later point, why he was gracious enough to invite me over to his place. I remember this continued until some time after puberty. Some kids get sex education or spoken knowledge from their parents, some get it from a film at school, unfortunately, I was treated with this education first hand with a predator. To this day, I am still humiliated by this. Let's just say there is a word that people use to discuss 'sexual self-love' and he involved me in that and showed me things. To this day, I cringe at the word and idea. I don't know what if anything else more invasive happened than what I have mentioned. Near the end of his time in my life, three things of note happened:
My late older brother Bill, God rest his soul, was treating Rick like a jerk (at least that's what I thought at the time). I understood later and Bill told me later he was putting it all together and that he was upset because he wasn't sure what all Rick had done to him. In hindsight, Bill was protecting us and I suspect his intervention helped lead to Rick backing out of the picture.
In the process of a call with Rick one time, he said more or less that he could called Child Protective Services (or whatever it was called then) on my parents and have us kids removed from our parents. I don't remember him saying to hush about what had happened, but that would be the implication. Obviously, I know now that a man preying on children probably wouldn't want to draw attention to himself that way, but back then it was a threat that I didn't understand. Why was Rick saying that?
When I was a freshman in high school I got a call from a 'long lost friend'. His call was about as welcome as wetting the bed a couple years after I thought it ended. Maybe that was a reason I had a problem with bedwetting, who know? Anyway. I handed over the phone to a sibling and said, "Could you deal with this?" That was the last time I heard from him.
The incidents with the older adolescent stopped when I was 17. They seem to start around near the time that Rick had weaseled my life and were similar in level. Let's just say, when I was 17, I was sleeping one time and came to find myself starting to be used a certain way that has the initials for Billy Joel. I was too intimidated to stand up for myself and pretended to be asleep. That was the last time I was taken advantage of, and definitely by a guy.
I will leave it at that. I wasn't 'prison raped' to the best of my knowledge, but obviously just short of that.
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I told my story above, as much as it made me cringe, because I felt it was time. Over time I've put it together and realize the long-term impact it has had. So, it is time to share that from my perspective. In no particular order:
I was sexualized very early. I didn't have the luxury of normal self-discovery, but it was forced on me. As you might imagine this led to problems in my teens and into my adulthood. It has led to unhealthy relationships and mistakes in and out of relationships. It has led to an excess focus in my life upon sexuality.
I got approval when as a kid, "I allowed myself to be used". For a long time I saw myself as allowing sexual misconduct. In other word, Rich if you had been stronger, you would have put a stop to it. But, they don't call it the 'age of consent' for no reason. Kids, especially, but not limited to preteens are not expected to have the wisdom, judgment or power (physical or emotional) to make those kind of determinations or be able to be able fight back against those who would take advantage of them.
My sense of my orientation was messed up. I think to some degree over the years, this has probably led me to 'prove' myself. After all, I didn't 'stop' same sex predators from taking advantage of me, so maybe I was 'okay' with it. I'm not here to judge or condemn others for their orientation or lifestyle, so don't get my wrong. However, a kid shouldn't have those issues thrown in their face, especially without consent. However, I realize now that my questions about my own orientation were totally unfounded.
I was concerned that perhaps I'd could turn into into that which I fell victim to. I think there is a tendency (or at least there was) for people to presume that childhood sexual abuse survivor (CSA) will be at high risk of becoming a perpetrator themselves. I was oversexualized very early and a teenager and probably gave off those vibes in spades. I felt dirty, naughty, 'perverted', etc. I realized when I was in my early to mid 20s and was around kids, especially my young niece, and felt nothing but love and wanting to protect her, that my fears were totally unfounded. If anything, I came to realize what happened to me made me more likely to a) never want a kid to be harmed, b) be aware of what harms kids, and c) never want to be remotely perceived as being anything but appropriate. When I was dating someone and she told her mom about what happened to me. She expressed that her mom was concerned that kids who are abused turn out to be abusers. I felt victimized again. Not only was I abused as a child but I was portrayed as a potential predator that way. It felt like a huge slap in my face and disregard for what I'd learned from being a survivor of CSA.
Major, major, major, I can't stress how much I mean major distrust of people, especially males. I was 'taught' at an early age that people act like they like you, but end up only liking you for what you can do for them or what they can 'get' from you. Getting bullied as a kid and having an 'old school', deal with it, often insensitive male role model didn't help. However, from what I know now, my dad was only following the example he was set (and probably was abused himself). Anyway to this day, if I sense a male is seriously trying to take advantage of me in any way or trying to negatively affect my life, I get POed. I can accept and forgive a lot. Even if they would never be able to find out that I privately forgave them, I forgave those whom hurt me sexually as a I child. However, my biggest pet peeve is arrogance, especially from a male, when it is utilized to 'get something' or take advantage of myself or my loved ones. That's a hard thing for me to swallow. I'd hate to be a future boyfriend of my daughter who thinks I will tolerate that for a moment.
I find it hard to give up control--including affection. Unfortunately for my wife, I cringe often when she gives me a friendly rub on the arm or something like that. The loss of control in such a personal area of one's life as a kid, can fuel a need to 'control' that area in later life. That's a hard thing to fully recover from. It is second nature her to show positive attention that way and unfortunately, sometime I have to remind her that that can be uncomfortable for me.
My self-blame for what was done to me, unfortunately made me susceptible to always blaming myself for my failures (or what I saw as my failures). It's proper to take blame for a failures when they actually are things you really shouldn't have done or for those things which you really should have been more cautious about. But, beating yourself up for being too different personality-wise than someone your dating, for example, is a sign of being way too critical of yourself.
Generalized anxiety disorder. Anyway, who has this knows this can at times be debilitating. I used to have occasional panic attacks as late teen/early adult. Confidence and experience have led to me being able to overcome those, but not the generalized anxiety.
Some of these things, I put to rest, like questions about orientation or the risk of me becoming like those hurt me. Other things I have made progress with including self-blame. But, some things like giving up control, I still struggle with.
I guess the takeaway I have to give from my own CSA survivor experience and to some degree from that of others that I have known:
Beware of the signs of a predator:
If a grownup takes what feels like an inordinate amount of interest in your kids, beware. I'm not talking about someone who loves kids. I'm talking about someone who tries TOO hard to relate to them and seems TOO eager to try to gain their acceptance. That could be a huge red flag. I believe this is usually a you'll know it when you see it sort of thing. In other words, don't accuse in your mind anyone who gives kids positive attention, but if it seems way off, there is a good chance that it is. While, it is important not to make accusations or suggestions lightly, it is also important not to dismiss them because 'it couldn't happen' or 'he or she isn't the type'.
If someone, especially a grown-up seems too willing to be too affectionate with them, beware. I'm not talking about a pat on the head or a quick warm hug. I'm talking about more drawn out and more methodical or more blatantly obvious affection. Once again, this is an area in which it is important not to make accusations or suggestions lightly or blow affection out of proportion--especially when the giver is a close relative. However, it is just as important not to automatically dismiss out of hand either. A parent or caregiver who is open-minded, I believe can usually differentiate on what is 'too much affection' as given by another towards their kid.
If someone, especially, a grownup seems to want to spend too much time with them, especially alone time, beware. This can be true for those whom they are related too (formally or not), but it can also be true with a relative stranger as well. I remember in my own situation, Rick, when he was in his 'predator zone', would tend to only want one of us immediately around. I didn't put it together at the time, but it makes sense now.
Be aware of the signs of CSA.
A kid is unnaturally inappropriate. I'm not talking goofy giggly talk of preteens of silly immature talk of kids hitting puberty or locker room talk of boys wanting to fit in. I'm talking where you sense a child is way too focused on sexuality. This doesn't mean automatically they have been sexualized early, but it can be a HUGE red flag.
If a kid shuts down or their behavior suddenly changes. In other words, they seem to be in protective mode or they seem darker in personality than usual. This can include their seeming complete disinterest or even distaste for dating.
A kid spends too much time trying to be private or trying to keep everything private from parents and others. Kids need their space to figure themselves out and they need their space to develop healthy relationships. However, CSA can cause kids to become more curious at an early age. A huge boundary has been crossed with CSA and therefore, crossing other boundaries such as porn and early sexual involvement with other kids probably isn't as taboo for them that it should be. They know it's 'taboo', but they also have been taught on some level that boundaries are flexible anyway. To get over this conflict, kids they can resort to hiding their 'taboo' behavior. A sign of this can be an excessive need for privacy and to 'hide' their behavior from parents.
Be aware of the long-term affects
Distrust of others, especially of, but not necessarily limited to those in authority. After all, CSA is usually, but not always perpetrated by an authority figure who should have been trustworthy.
Sexual dysfunction. Either too sexual or completely closed off sexually.
Relationship problems including mistaking sex for love. After a CSA survivor was 'taught' that positive attention that way means that they are loved or appreciated.
Disregard for consequences of their actions at times. This can include legal consequences, but I'm not specifically meaning that. The concept is a huge barrier was blown through early on, often without consequences for the one(s) who did it. This can send a message that barriers are a speed limit sign. That is something should be followed, but which is largely ignored by many, if not most people. After all, their own boundaries have not been respected, so what do boundaries matter anyway In my own life, it took getting older, having a child and my brother Bill's suicide to bring me to maturity in some ways.
Long-term anxiety (if not dealt with early).
Self-doubt. Why did I allow this to happen.
The best thing we can do as parents is to be engaged with our children. We can't always protect them but at least if we are engaged, we give them a better chance of being protected. The better we know our kids, the better we can protect them or become aware more quickly if they are in danger or have been harmed.
I hope and pray my story has been helpful to at least a handful of people who may have read this.
Thanks, for spending your team reading part of my life's story and what it taught me.
-- Rich
* Why did I put #MeAsWell? I think the whole #MeToo thing has been politicized too much and I'm not interested in making a political statement. I'm not bashing #MeToo as there is so much bravery in #MeToo. I just wanted to go a different route.
* I picked this song because, while it doesn't speak of CSA, the sense I get with this song is a loss of innocence of a generation. Obviously, I can relate.
My wife and I were talking about control freaks we've had in our lives. A common refrain I've heard about controlling people is that they to try to control out of fear. I think there is a large element of truth to that, but I don't necessarily think that all people try to control out of fear or if they do not necessarily do it all the time. I think some people tend to be controlling because 'they can'. That is they like the power of being able to 'control' others. So, it occurred to me how could I differentiate the two? What I came up with is a concept of top down vs. bottom up. So, here is my concepts for what it is worth.
TOP DOWN Controller (Macro)
They may start to exhibit their controlling behavior out of fear, but ultimately when they have gained power, it is to keep or expand their power.
Look to control for power, to dominate others.
Have a greater likelihood of being a megalomaniac.
Often clothe their 'need' for controlling others in being interested in the welfare of others.
Even while expressing their concern for the welfare of others, they themselves seem to find a way to benefit nicely from their use of power.
Have a super-sized ego.
Have the sense that only they know what is best.
Consider themselves as great or greater than their message. In other words, not only do I know better, but I'm also tend to be the best (or only one) to implement what I think is best for everyone.
The ends justify the means in many cases. In other words, while I am not necessarily authorized to exert the power I am--and in some cases it is unethical--I am justified in exerting the power for the 'good of everyone'. In other words, there is an element of malevolence to their attempts to control, even if they don't recognize it.
Control over others tends to be more global rather than situation specific.
BOTTOM UP Controller (Micro)
Tend to control out of fear, rather than a secret need for power.
If I don't do this myself it won't get done (and it may reflect poorly on me).
Yielding too much control can or will make me vulnerable.
Not necessarily addicted to generalized power. Tend to seek control over certain people in certain circumstances.
May have a certain arrogance in their area of control (I know better), but their control is as much to seek some or self-protection (or those they are charged with).
Would tend to have an ability to give up control in areas that they don't care too much about or where they feel reasonable secure.
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I think everyone seeks some level of control in their life. I think it's common to see oneself as not being controlling at all, but I believe that most people exhibit a certain desire/need to control people and circumstances in their life. In my opinion, where the need for control becomes a problem is:
It interferes with a healthy and respectful relationship with others around you. That is to say there seems to be a need to step on someone's toes because a) a lack of trusting the other to do the right, proper or effective thing b) "knowing" that you can do whatever needs to be done right.
It results in a loss of appropriate freedom and liberty for others.
There are places in life however where control is appropriate and appropriately deferred (and placed in the hand of others):
Adolescents necessarily would tend to have to earn 'control' with responsibility, ultimately deferring control or decision-making to their parents.
Students control to the teachers/staff in adolescences and adulthood defer a lessor degree of control to their professors.
Subordinates, especially as it relates to their employment, would tend to have to defer control or decision-making to their bosses. Similar dynamic with subordinates deferring control to their leaders in the military.
But I digress, even in those cases authority is usually earned.
I don't have a big overarching conclusion to this blog. I would say though that is important to exercise control judiciously where it is given/earned/expected, be willing to defer control where it is appropriate or helpful, and always to remember that control is as much a responsibility as a privilege. It shouldn't be taken lightly and if if mishandled can be subject to being taken away. That being said, I'm deferring control of the words of this blog post to my readers to be used as is beneficial in their lives.
You know sometimes you start a blog post about an idea that hits you that you can relate to and before you know it, it becomes deeply personal to the point of being a little vulnerable. But, here goes. As a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor who was raised in a dysfunctional home with alcoholism and domestic violence, I became aware at a young age of idea of powerlessness and the idea of having any control over anything was ridiculous to me. Add to that the fact that our house looked run down and just not generally presentable, that I wore worn clothes to school, that I was bullied and that I never felt like I fit in and then you can see even more clearly why I would feel that way.
