Control Freaks: Top down vs. bottom up.

My wife and I were talking about control freaks we've had in our lives.  A common refrain I've heard about controlling people is that they to try to control out of fear.  I think there is a large element of truth to that, but I don't necessarily think that all people try to control out of fear or if they do not necessarily do it all the time.  I think some people tend to be controlling because 'they can'.  That is they like the power of being able to 'control' others.  So, it occurred to me how could I differentiate the two?  What I came up with is a concept of top down vs. bottom up.  So, here is my concepts for what it is worth.

TOP DOWN Controller (Macro)

• They may start to exhibit their controlling behavior out of fear, but ultimately when they have gained power, it is to keep or expand their power.
• Look to control for power, to dominate others.
• Have a greater likelihood of being a megalomaniac.
• Often clothe their 'need' for controlling others in being interested in the welfare of others.
• Even while expressing their concern for the welfare of others, they themselves seem to find a way to benefit nicely from their use of power.
• Have a super-sized ego.
• Have the sense that only they know what is best.
• Consider themselves as great or greater than their message.  In other words, not only do I know better, but I'm also tend to be the best (or only one) to implement what I think is best for everyone.
• The ends justify the means in many cases.  In other words, while I am not necessarily authorized to exert the power I am--and in some cases it is unethical--I am justified in exerting the power for the 'good of everyone'.  In other words, there is an element of malevolence to their attempts to control, even if they don't recognize it.
• Control over others tends to be more global rather than situation specific.

BOTTOM UP Controller (Micro)

• Tend to control out of fear, rather than a secret need for power.
• If I don't do this myself it won't get done (and it may reflect poorly on me).
• Yielding too much control can or will make me vulnerable.
• Not necessarily addicted to generalized power.  Tend to seek control over certain people in certain circumstances. 
• May have a certain arrogance in their area of control (I know better), but their control is as much to seek some or self-protection (or those they are charged with).
• Would tend to have an ability to give up control in areas that they don't care too much about or where they feel reasonable secure.  

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I think everyone seeks some level of control in their life.  I think it's common to see oneself as not being controlling at all, but I believe that most people exhibit a certain desire/need to control people and circumstances in their life.  In my opinion, where the need for control becomes a problem is:

• It interferes with a healthy and respectful relationship with others around you.  That is to say there seems to be a need to step on someone's toes because a) a lack of trusting the other to do the right, proper or effective thing b) "knowing" that you can do whatever needs to be done right.
• It results in a loss of appropriate freedom and liberty for others.

There are places in life however where control is appropriate and appropriately deferred (and placed in the hand of others):

•  Adolescents necessarily would tend to have to earn 'control' with responsibility, ultimately deferring control or decision-making to their parents.
• Students control to the teachers/staff in adolescences and adulthood defer a lessor degree of control to their professors.
• Subordinates, especially as it relates to their employment, would tend to have to defer control or decision-making to their bosses.  Similar dynamic with subordinates deferring control to their leaders in the military.

But I digress, even in those cases authority is usually earned.

I don't have a big overarching conclusion to this blog.  I would say though that is important to exercise control judiciously where it is given/earned/expected, be willing to defer control where it is appropriate or helpful, and always to remember that control is as much a responsibility as a privilege.  It shouldn't be taken lightly and if if mishandled can be subject to being taken away.  That being said, I'm deferring control of the words of this blog post to my readers to be used as is beneficial in their lives.

Thanks,

Rich

The illusions of control - A take on controlling/controlled people

To any of my faithful readers who've ever been accused of being a controlling person or a control freak, don't worry.  Regardless of what anyone else thinks, you aren't truly in control anyways.  So, the claims of others to that effect, don't fully matter anyway.

In a way, you are being accused of trying to do something you probably don't or wouldn't succeed at anyway.  I firmly believe that control is largely an illusion and that to the extent we have control, it is short term and passing.  On January 5th of this year (2017), I was once again reminded of just how illusory control can be.  On January 4th, I was thinking about getting another year or so out of my 2006 Ford Focus before I would buy a new car.  By shortly before 8am on January 5th, I was staring at the reality that I would need to buy a new car imminently.  Another driver's failure to control her car, led to the destruction of my car, something whose timing I couldn't have predicted. That being said, just because we don't always have control over life's events doesn't mean that we should just throw up our hands and 'cast our fate to the wind'.  Rather it means we should factor in some uncertainty and keep in mind that despite our best plans, we have to be flexible enough to adjust them if the need arises.

But I digress. Regarding relationships, in order for control to be seriously attempted, there has to be someone who could feasibly be controlled.   That is to say, there has to be someone who is tends to be controlling and someone who tends to 'fall prey' to a controlling person.

I am going to ponder the delusions, illusions and mindset which I believe controlling people and 'controlled' people to be be under.

CONTROLLING PEOPLE

• Often they live fear-based.
• It may be cliche to say controlling people are often driven by fear, but many cliches are true.  
• The fear may take a number of shapes.
• Fear of humiliation.  Obviously, you inherently have control over your own behavior as you have free will and can make choices.  However, those that you perceive that represent you--employees, children, spouse, family--are external to you and they have free will also.  So, as the thinking of a 'control-freak' goes, I will be judged based on those around me, therefore, I must do everything I can to pressure them into conforming to my standards of acceptable behavior.  
• Fear of making a costly mistake/missing a deadline/losing it all.
• Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to be wound too tight.
• Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to be too conservative or risk-adverse.
• Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to second guess too much.
• Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to micromanage.
• They can't read the minds of others, so they can't 'take a chance' of failure.  This is especially true when if the other(s) have EVER 'failed'.  Even if they risk failure when in control, they have more 'certainty' as to success.
• Often they live all about them or narcissist-based.
• A controlling person I believe tends analyzes everyone and everything as to how it affects them.  How does it make me look or feel?  How does it help, hurt or inconvenience me?
• They do not want to deal with the feeling of uncertainty that giving up control seems to unleash in them.
• They often seem to need to positive validation tied to success at whatever situation they are 'taking-charge' at.  That is to say they seek situations to run or control (and therefore people) so they can get the praise associated with 'success' at them.
• Instead of quietly seeking to do the right things, they seek to the opportunity to make sure others see it.
• It can be a symptom of an underlying low self-esteem.
• Instead of being comfortable in their own skin, they require more and more confirmation of their goodness or worth.
• Often they are 'groomed' to be controlling.
• They have either seen or felt the affects of when one isn't in 'control'.  They don't want to feel that.
• They have often been 'taught' or learned from influential people in their lives that they can't count on others and that they have to be in charge.
• Often they have rationalized their controlling nature.
• MARTYR complex - Thinking they are just doing "the Lord's work", even when they have pushed others out of the opportunity to help.  
• SOLOMON complex -Thinking they are just doing what is best for all parties. Justifying their behavior based on what they deem to be best for all, rather than asking or accepting the input of others.
• HERO complex - Thinking or worrying that without them, things may not go off right.  That is to say, the situation "requires" them. 

CONTROLLED PEOPLE

• They often live fear-based
• They worry about being rejected totally.
• Thinking if they stand up for themselves, the other may dump, fire or similarly completely reject them.
• Thinking perhaps that they do not deserve better and/or cannot find better.
• They worry about being partially rejected.
• Thinking if they stand up for themselves, the other may withhold positive attention and/or ridicule them.
• Once again thinking they don't deserve and/or cannot find better.
• They mistake keeping the controlling person happy as being 'accepted' by them.  In reality, such a mindset can often lead to rejection by the controllers as they don't respect them anyway.
• They are often what I call "negative narcissist". 
• Think they can't do it right anyway.
• Think they deserve what they get.
• Think they can't please the other(s) anyway.
• They are often 'groomed' to be controlled.
• They have had their voice shut down at some point by a controlling person, often a parent, from an early age.
• They have been often told or implied that they are not capable aka are a failure.
• Too ignorant
• Too clumsy
• Too weak
• Not as good
• Too much of a risk
• Too mistake prone
• While sometimes they may lack initiative and seem to 'crave' being controlled, often it may just be that they are just beaten down by being shut down and/or being implied that they are a failure.
• They often rationalize their controlled nature.
• PEACEMAKER complex - They are the peacemaker and/or don't want to make waves stir up trouble or make life more difficult for anyone.
• HELPFUL complex - They want to be seen as being helpful and not argumentative.
• EMPATHETIC complex - I should be more understanding of the other, given their situation (tremendous workload/responsibility they have, victim of abuse, etc.)
• You can be understanding without allowing yourself to be walked all over.
• You have to remember that often times you didn't cause that situation or problem for them (or at least were not fully responsible), so while it is okay to empathize, it is not okay to let it be a tool to control you. 

This is not meant as a comprehensive study or take on controlling people (and controlled people), but really a discussion piece on what I see in these people/situations.  As they say, "You Mileage May Vary" (YMMV).  

The world is full of leaders and followers.   Inherently, neither role is necessarily a bad thing.  Being a leader doesn't inherently mean one is a 'controlling' person no more than being a follower inherently means one is a 'controlled' person.  It is often times the mindset behind why they are taking that role and how they are treating others.

LEADERS/FOLLOWERS:

• The best leader leads because he or she wants the best for those whom they lead, not to satisfy a craving for power/validation.  That is to say they lead not because they wish to control others, but rather they see a need that they can help with and it concerns them enough to 'take charge'.
• The best followers follow as they realize they want to help, but realize that 'too many cooks spoil the broth'.  They are content helping behind the scenes and not getting 'leadership' credit.  They may share the vision of the leaders and realize that they can help out with the vision.  That is to say, they follow not out of a need to be validated (by the leader) or out of a sense that they don't deserve better or even out of a fear that they can't lead.  Instead, they understand that being a follower is a role.
• Leaders can be followers at times and followers can be leaders at times.  It really depends on the needs of the situation and the strengths of the parties involved.

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My takeaway on this subject is to recognize your role, why you are in your role, recognize your need to be respected, but also to respect others.   We have to understand that we can't control everyone and everything nor should we want to.  Life is full of uncertainty.  We can't live with complete uncertainty, but we also can't expect to live no uncertainty.   While it is important in many cases to minimize uncertainty, it cannot be at all costs.  We cannot control others for our own selfish needs, nor can we allow ourselves to be controlled for our own selfish needs either.  We have to respect that each of us has a role.  We have a time and place to lead and a time and place to follow.  We have a voice to be heard and we have voice to be silent and to hear others.  Based on our gifts, the types of roles and the size of our voices may be different, but we should not let it devolve into a controlling situation.

While respecting our own needs, we need to be able to take ourselves out of the picture and let our role come naturally rather than be forced.  I believe God will, if we listen, direct us to our roles making it not so much of a matter of control, but rather doing or being open to the right thing.

Just some thoughts.  I've hope you've gotten a little out of this posting.

Getting in our own way...

I realized something last weekend.  Or maybe I'd realized it before, but it really stuck this time.  I had to make a decision regarding my dad's care.  Literally, a life and death type decision.  He was coming up upon a crossroads in his care.  
* Originally published on 3/18/15

I was so torn about what direction to take--that is until I got out of my own way and let God work through me.  Anyway, this led me to today's point.  Sometimes, we are so worried about the outcome of decisions we need to make and discussions we need to have, that we get in our own way.  Instead of surrendering our decisions to our God--our Higher Power--we struggle.  From my own experience and that I've seen of others we struggle for a few reasons:

• Codependence   
• We want our decisions to be accepted by others.  We want our choices to be accepted by all.  As I have learned, no matter what choices you make, you will usually have someone critical of them.  Best to pray on it, listen to the wisdom of trusted voices and consider what advice you'd give someone else in your shoes, in other word's step outside yourself.
• We want to be accepted by others.  It is easier to avoid a hard discussion/decision and pretend that all is well than to open up the door to conflict/disagreement. This is especially true when what hangs in the balance is significant (marriage/life & death decision).
• Lack of faith/fear/need to control.
• When our faith is low, we believe we cannot count on others, especially God.  This leads us to rely on ourselves.
• Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
• When we are so afraid of making the wrong choices/mistakes, we are paralyzed into not making a choice, which usually in and of itself a choice. A lack of choice pretty well means the choice is made for you.
• When we are afraid of an outcome that is out of our comfort level, we will overcompensate and try to 'control' the discussion and/or everyone and everything in the decision loop.

I've learned in life there needs to be a happy balance--the balance between trying to 'control' life and letting life control you.  In other words, doing the necessary planning and then letting God be God and trusting.