Crying over you, others and other things: Kobe Bryant inspired

Sunday* I received a notification on my phone when I was driving.  Kobe Bryant, a long-time star and a lock in 2020 for the NBA Hall of Fame, had perished in a helicopter crash on his way to a youth girl's basketball tournament.  His 13 year old daughter was among the others that had perished too.  That kind of hits home because my daughter is about to turn 13.

As I listened to the news, I cried a little.  While I have followed the NBA at times, especially during Michael Jordan's run in Chicago, I have at times just tuned it out too.  But, even for the casual fan, there are some names that stick out.  Names such as Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Shaquillle O'Neal, and Kobe Bryant stick out.  Sometimes famous people, who we don't know personally, capture our attention, especially when they pass away early.  They might be a former princess (Lady Di), a famous actor (Heath Ledger, Phillip Seymour Hoffman), a famous athlete (Daryl Kile, Kobe Bryant) or some other category.  In this case, it was a famous athlete.  Kobe, mostly with his on the court accomplishments and his celebrity personality, captured the imagination of many.  

I have previously discussed crying in Demons Part 3: 'Bloodletting' pain as a way of mourning as a healthy way of letting out hurt or pain.  I guess I'm inspired to write this post to remind everyone, no matter who they are, what their gender is, how young or how old they are, that there is a role for crying in our lives.  As a child with an old school dad, I can attest to the notion that crying wasn't always looked highly upon, especially with male children.  So, I assume that there are many that still haven't embraced this notion or haven't fully embraced it.  But, I digress, what is the role of crying in our lives?  Below is a list that I thought of off the top of my head and it is not meant as complete.


Role of Crying (and examples)

• Mourning the loss of someone close to us.  
• If we've lived long enough we will experience it.  Some experience it early in life, some not as early.  Some seem to experience a lot of losses while others not so many.
• This seems to be most acute sort of loss, especially if it is abrupt.  One day, that person who was important in our lives is no longer accessible to us.  The person we could laugh or cry with, smile or frown with, share happiness or frustration is just no longer there for us.
• Mourning the loss of someone who isn't necessarily close, but someone who felt like was bigger than life and/or represented a time in our life.
• Kobe Bryant was a celebrity.  We shared the joy of watching him compete, the disappointment/irritation of  scandal in his life, the winding down of his career and the new direction in retirement.  As fans, he brought us joy, but as a very public figure even though he was rich and a celebrity, he was still human and relate-able.  His passing was sudden, shocking and for me it felt like a bit of an era died.
• Mourning the loss of innocence or safety.
• As a young child in a dysfunctional home growing up, divorced parents and as survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), I was too busy dealing and it was only in my adulthood I was able to focus on this loss.
• Being abused or assaulted without little or no warning.
• Mourning the loss of an ideal.
• For some people, they have dreams of the happily ever after, but one day they end up divorced.
• For some it is seeing someone they looked up falling from grace and getting in legal and/or personal trouble.
• For some it is realizing that life isn't fair (being passed over for an honor or a role, despite knowing that it should have been theirs.
• Mourning the passing of a time in our lives.
• Hitting a certain age or certain time such as 50 or the kids are all grown up and we miss their younger days.
• Remembering the days in which everything seemed simpler.
• Empathizing with the tragedy of others.
• Hearing about a horrible murder.
• Reading about or watching a tragedy unfold.
• Releasing of pent-up emotions.
• Seeing your team which was denied the Stanley Cup for so long and after so many letdowns finally win it.
• Enduring great physical or emotional pain.
• Such as with childbirth
• Such as with a perforated colon.
• Such as the pain of knowing you have suffered a season ending, career ending or hobby ending injury.
• Losing or getting something valuable destroyed.
• As a kid it just might be our favorite drawing.
• As an adult it might be a beloved heirloom that belonged to a late parent.

In Ecclesiastes 3:4, King Solomon inspired by God wrote: 

[there is] a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance

--
Clearly our Higher Power understood that we experience sadness (or in some cases bittersweet) in our lives and that crying is a very healthy and human response.   As with anything and implied by the same verse, there is a time and circumstance when we crying is not appropriate.   Wailing loudly at a pie eating contest at the country fair probably would be completely out of place.  Similarly, wailing as you watch a loose penny roll down the sewer is probably an overreaction.

I see no hard and fast rules as to when to cry.  For different people and at different points in our lives, the when may differ greatly.  As far as how, I think it can differ from person to person, but from what I've seen usually people look for safe situations.  I have found comfort crying in private when appropriately moved, comfort in crying in public when the situation allows or calls for it such as funeral, or when I'm watching a tear-jerking story, quietly crying along with family or friends who seem amendable to those moments.  

One more final point on crying:  How much and/or how often? While sometimes there is so much hurt that you need to cry and cry and cry until you've seemingly processed all the hurt, there are other times perhaps the amount of crying is excessive for the hurt.  For example, when a close friend dies, you'll probably cry seemingly endlessly.  However, when you drop a book on your big toe, you might cry in pain, but to continue to cry over it for days afterwards might indicate a bigger problem.  For me, with the passing of Kobe Bryant and his 13 year old daughter, I shed a tear when I heard and for the next couple of times I read about it.  I didn't know Kobe, but the human interest of it was sad.  Not enough to disable me, but enough for me to be sad and empathize some.  Which leads to a final thought.  Sometimes we need to just get it out, but other times it is disabling.  If it is disabling for too long, it is probably best to seek professional help.  Anyway, thanks for listening.

Rich


* January 26th, 2020 when this blog was started.

 

Placing Sadness in the Anger Bin

According to grief.com, the Five Stages of Grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.   The idea is that you first deny the reality of that which grieves you; you are angry about what seems unfair or not right; you 'bargain' with your higher power that you'll do better if only you wake up and this horrible nightmare is over; you fall into a depression when you realize that no matter how much you wish it weren't so, there is nothing you can do to change that which grieves you and of course you accept that which you and move forward.

What I've learned along the way is the practice of 'medicine' is as much of an art as it is a science.  I believe this to be the case with psychology as well.  I believe that some models of human behavior, interactions and thought are better than others, that there is no one-sized, fits all model.  Each model has its flaws and exceptions as well as its accuracy and strengths, but I digress.  I believe the "Five Stages of Grief" model has a lot of value to it.  However, I believe the progression of grief doesn't always follow that model and frankly sometimes people never quite reach the acceptance stage.   From what I've seen some people never make it through the depression stage.  It's like they deny the loss, are angry about it, try to bargain the loss away, and hit the sadness or depression stage and struggle to handle it.

I called this post, "Placing Sadness in the Anger Bin", because essentially, the griever is at a point in which he or she should be working through the sadness, but for whatever reason, is struggling to.  What should manifest itself as Sadness or Depression instead comes out in Anger.  The sadness exists, but the griever is not processing or allowing it to fully express itself.  In my own life, this circumstance manifest itself with my brother's suicide, written in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother,

Due to the circumstances and timing in which he was found, the family was never allowed to see him after he was found.  As I worked through his belongings in his apartment that in the week that followed, a part of me expected him to walk in and gripe about what were we doing with his belongings.  It was surreal and was obviously the denial stage.  Gradually, it gave away to anger.  I knew he was struggling and did what I could to help him, but I felt the family overall had let him down.  He would 'disappear' from time to time and it seemed as if few in the family did anything more than to ask about him (from my perspective).  Had dealt with the same type of sexual abuse that I did as a kid and the struggles that come from growing up in a dysfunctional family which was unnecessarily poor and led by an alcoholic dad.  He struggled to find acceptance and had cried out for help in his teens with an overdoes on Tylenol.  From my perspective, he was largely abandoned and left to his own devices by the family.   I was angry and humiliated that as a family that we let him down.  I was angry at God I'm sure.  I was angry at myself.   I knew he was struggling and I dropped away for a little bit.  I didn't care that I was dealing with my own failing marriage, depression and unemployment.  I told myself I knew better and let him down.

In some ways, I'd wake up for a bit and just hope that this was just a bad dream and he'd show up and hoped there was a way that that could happen.  But, at my age, the 'bargain' stage didn't last too long as I am a realist.  At this point, having gotten over the shock, having worked through some anger and realized that bargaining was fruitless, I was was struggling with the sadness/depression.  Why should I have to deal with this?  Why should I have to feel this bad?   Why was I the one who was the last one in the family to attempt to be there for him?   I bounced back and forth between sadness and anger.  Eventually, I worked through the sadness and came to accept the reality of never seeing him again, but it wasn't a clean, linear five step progression.

As with the story above, I have come to realize in my life, a phenomenon.  I have seen in the life of others, especially, but not limited to kids and younger people that same phenomenon: Sadness hiding behind Anger.  That is Anger being Sadness's spokesperson, instead of Sadness speaking for itself.

• The sadness hurts. Why should I have to feel this hurt or loss?  
• The sadness leads to unexpected/uncontrolled expression sobbing or crying.  Why should we have to deal with something that makes us feel 'weak' or 'unsafe'?
• It can make us feel vulnerable or 'weak'.   Anger tells us we should be able to better deal.
• It can feel humiliating.  Crying, while healthy, is best done in a safe place.  If not done in a safe place, it can lead to humiliation.  Anger hates humiliation.
• The sadness seems never-ending.  Why won't this stage ever end?  Why can't I just move on?  Anger hates an unresolved endless repeat of the same painful story.

Anyway, from what I see, Anger serves two purposes, not necessarily healthy, but nonetheless two purposes.

• Anger can serve as seemingly less draining than working through the sadness.  
• Anger doesn't require the level of introspection and processing of sadness.  It is a raw unfiltered emotion.  Let's face it, if you don't feel like you should have to deal with sadness, anger seems to be a good option.
• Anger can serve as a way to block the sadness (at least for a time).   
• In a way, it can be seen as the emotional version of cutting.  My understanding is that the raw physical sensation of cutting serves as a distraction for emotional pain of sadness.  If you are focused on the acute physical sensation of cutting* and all it involves, for a time, the emotional hurt is overridden.  Anger can be raw and intense, and in a similar way to cutting it can overwhelm sadness the emotional hurt of sadness.

I think most people have seen instances, either portrayed in the movies or somewhere in their own lives or those around them an angry person who is lovingly embraced and proceeds to break down and cry.  While I wouldn't categorically endorse that technique in dealing with angry people, it does emphasize a point: that sadness is often underlying anger.  

I guess my takeaway is this: Before you write off someone who has anger issues at least consider that there may be more than just meets the eye.  It isn't always just some jerk who decides that hating is an acceptable way of life.  It isn't always necessarily some psychopath who has predatory anger.  Sometimes, an 'angry' person is simply a person who is trying to avoid dealing with sadness.  So, instead of placing their Sadness in the Sadness Bin, they feel more comfortable placing it in the Anger Bin.  So, before you condemn an angry person, consider that there may be a sad person inside who just needs some understanding.**

Just my thoughts,

Rich

* I understand there are other reasons behind cutting as the Mayo Clinic details.  I've known people who cut, but I never began to understand why they cut themselves UNTIL one day when I chewed a fingernail too far down on the nail bed.  I'd done this before where it caused an uncomfortable, acute pain.  But, I had found that pressing down on that fingernail until it turned white for a while would lessen or block the pain in the nail bed.  I believe my higher power gave me an insight that day.  What I was doing was substituting one pain for another less intense pain.  In other words, I was blocking pain with pain.  I realized that day that people often cut for the same reason.  They are blocking an (emotional) pain with a less intense physical one.  I realize now that perhaps anger is just another form of pain displacement.

**But don't be so foolish as to try to hug and angry person with a knife or to ignore the symptoms of 'psychotic anger'.   Personal safety comes first.  ;-)

Demons, Part 5: Ways to deal with hurt and the failure to outrun it.

A while back, I found out a one-time friend of mine had passed away from an overdose shortly after I fell out of touch with her.   At the time our friendship ended, she had basically tossed aside our friendship essentially stating that [our friendship] wasn't (paraphrasing it) "doing it for me".   Not one to be where I'm not wanted and having my self-respect, I honored her wishes.  In fact, I made a point to shut her out and blocking her access to me.  But, before I did this, I let her know that "I had figured that our friendship had an expiration date on it", before quietly fading away.  Even though we were never more than friends, I did like her a little bit and I was left wondering, what did I do to deserve being 'unfriended'?

Long after this estrangement, I looked at a common friend's page and saw her name in the friend's list on Facebook.  Out of curiosity, I decided to see what my estranged friend was up to.  I observed she had a memorial page and after following up on it, I got the rest of the story.   Even though we were estranged and she'd hurt my feelings, I was sad about it her passing.  She had overdosed within a number of months of our friendship ending.  Knowing that she overdosed shortly after our falling out of touch, helped me to understand that our estrangement was never really due to what I was lacking in the friend department to her.  Instead, it turns out she was a hurt person, struggling with demons.  She was seeking whatever she could to outrun or mask her pain and hurt.  A friendship that wasn't 'fun' enough didn't help her to do this.  It's clear now that neither I nor anyone else could be what she needed.   She needed to come to terms with herself and her pain.

I'd venture to guess most of know or are at least familiar with someone like that, if not having experienced it ourselves.  Someone who has or has had a deep soul level hurt that they tried to avoid facing.   From my experience and knowledge, anyone who has been there realizes that when you are in that place, you can either do one of four things--much of which I have done.  Some ways of dealing with hurt are unproductive and some are destructive.

• Attempt to outlast it
• Curling up into a ball, trying to sleep away pain, hurt and/or sadness.
• 'Sleeping it off' can sometimes actually help if not overdone or abused.  Sometimes a new day can bring a fresh start and allow us to heal enough to deal with it.
• Attempt to avoid it.
•  Medicating it. This can take many forms, none of which are necessarily healthy and some of which can be downright deadly.
• Literal 'medicine' such as drugs or alcohol to hope us cope.
• Distractions to keep us from facing our hurt
• Gambling, porn, overeating are 'pleasing' distractions.
• Cutting and inking can be 'blocking' or masking distractions.  Just like a fire strategically set can burn the 'fuel' to a raging forest fire, a different type of pain can help block the 'hurting pain'.
• Shutting down mourning.  Sometimes it hurts and makes us feel vulnerable to feel and to risk sharing our hurt.  Sometimes we are told to be brave, to keep a stiff upper lip.  While there is a time to be brave, sometimes when we shut down mourning, we are being just the opposite of brave.   We are avoiding.  Essentially, we are Zig Zagging through life: Diverting our energy from where it is really needed
• Attempt to outrun it
• Keeping too busy to have time to focus on it.  
• Keeping busy I believe is a common way to avoid grieving the loss of a love one.
• Allow ourselves to feel it.
• Outwardly mourning and/or inwardly focusing on our hurt can be a distraction to what we need to get done, if it is timed wrong.
• Finding a time and a place where it is safe to feel and mourn the hurt is imperative.  Allowing too much hurt to build up with no outlet is not a healthy place to be.

--

We all face some disappointment, some hurt--a promise not kept, a friendship lost, but I'm talking about deeper than that.  I'm talking a deep gut punch like a bitter divorce or an unexpected, untimely death, abuse and things of that nature.  This is not to minimize the 'smaller' hurts, but to put things in perspective.   Sometimes too however, enough 'smaller' hurts can build up and be just as debilitating.   But, I digress.  What I'm talking about is a buildup of hurt.  Anyway, as I've gotten deeper into my adulthood, I've come to realize that pain and hurt will not magically disappear and just because you claim you are 'over them' doesn't actually mean you are.   Our soul, and not our hopes, has a way of knowing if we have dealt with hurt.  My estranged friend reminded me.  Anyway, just some thoughts.   Here are a few other posts which I think would go with this one:

See:

I haven't got time for the pain or do I?

Grief doesn't care what is proper, part 1

Grief doesn't care what is proper, part 2

Cheers,

Rich

Grief doesn't care what is proper, part 1

I wrote a bit about this subject in a previous blog called Letting go and letting God - The timing and art of letting go. I had touched upon many aspects of loss and grief including what is socially acceptable grief.  So, I'm not going to visit it here too much except to expand upon that point.

I believe society seems to have certain expectations for grief.

• What grief is suppose to look like.  That is the form it is suppose to take.
• What is an appropriate amount of time to grieve
• The people you are or are not expected to grieve for.
• Whom you are allowed to grieve for.
• Whom you are not allowed to grieve for.

When we break or don't follow those expectations, we can risk rejection, scorn or worse.  But, I've discovered over time that grief is a strange beast.  It will follow its own rules and will ultimately bow to no one.  Now, we can sometimes be shamed into how and when we show it or don't show it, but ultimately that is just window dressing the hide what our soul feels.

Let me break down what I see as aspects of grief.  I will touch on what I see as society's expectations for grief (and in some cases how we deviate from it)

• Grief's appearance or form.
• What many have been taught that grief is suppose to look like.
• Deep sadness
• Crying
• Serious demeanor.
• What it can look like.
• Relief 
• Suffering has ended for someone who had been long suffering.
• That we are no longer required to watch helplessly while they suffer.
• Our fear of being hurt by them is finally over.
• Anger at others 
• People let the one we are grieving down.  That people weren't there for our loved one in time of his/her need.
• Higher Power seems to have let us down by allowing our loved one to pass for seemingly no good reason.
• Anger - If they have left behind a messy circumstance for us to clean up or deal with or they didn't take care of themselves 
• That they were careless or reckless in their lifestyle.
• That they recklessly did not account for their own needs.  Not preparing for an eventuality. 
• That they neglected those whom they left behind.
• Didn't make proper preparations for dependents/survivor needs.
• They were more focused on their own reckless behavior than emotional and financial needs of those left behind.
• Humor 
• Laughter - That may seems inappropriate, but is really our way of coping with a circumstance that is so intense.
• Sarcasm - If the person we are 'mourning' for has mistreated us for a long time, it may be hard to feel much besides it. 
• Emptiness/Numbness
• Loss is too profound to accept or to have sink in.
• We are focused on survival after the loss.

• Timetable of grief
• Immediate timetable
• We are supposed to have it all packaged and delivered in a week or less in some cases and be back to work.  That is make arrangements, pull together a funeral and move as if nothing I had to do this with each parent.  Arranged/buried and back to work.
• In some cases, we are allowed more time, but we still have to pull it together in a few months at best and be productive.
• Family and friends allow us to be sad or upset.  If it is a child, we are given more time to openly and painfully weep/mourn.
• This is the time when those around us will offer to help the most as it is fresh in everyone's mind.
• The near term past immediacy.
• In most cases, we are supposed to have put the lost behind us and have moved on in our daily lives and be productive.
• Many/most people will start to shut off listening to or wanting to hear about our grief. 
• They don't know what to say, especially if they haven't been hit by it.
• They have their own stresses as well.
• Usually, they will be polite about it and 'listen' anyway.
• Counseling is accepted in this term.
• Longer term (year or two)
• Willingness to listen to our grief becomes rarer and rarer, especially from those who aren't close to us, but even with those who are close to us.  Losing a child is a situation which we are probably allowed more leeway on being listened to.
• Counseling is accepted in this term, but we are expected to be well on our way to coming to terms with the loss.
• Our daily lives are not expected to be impacted, no matter how we may feel on a given date about our loss.  Anniversary of a death is a big deal to us, but to our employer for example, they don't expect any impact.
• Long-term (years)
• We are expected to have adjusted, coped, or have come to terms.
• Most people have tuned out our grief by this point and may even tell you that it's time to move on.  They may 'humor' it if they aren't burnt out on it if it is the loss of a close family member.

This is a heavy read, so I will continue this blog post in another part to be published.  But for today, I will leave with this thought, if we try to deny grief its proper role in our lives, I believe grief will punish us in another form, often in an addictive form such as alcoholism. Until later (probably tomorrow)...

See: Grief doesn't care what is proper, part 2

The original recorded version of this song.

The laughter that masks the tears and general coping mechanisms.

I've observed over the year that people have different ways of coping with pain that comes from the loss--whether it be a person, pet, life they used to have, etc.

Lately, I've become more acutely aware of the role of laughter as a coping mechanism and will address it more fully.  However, I will address the coping mechanisms I see.

Sometimes it is a fine line, between healthy and unhealthy.  For example, anger can be a necessary component of processing, but too much can be poisonous or destructive.  Similarly, relationships can give us comfort from pain, but shouldn't be a mechanism to completely avoid it.

• Negative Emotional coping
• Sarcasm 
• Sometimes it can be funny, but sometimes it can be very hostile.
• Very often a detached way of expressing true feelings.  
• Can be anger masked by a veneer of 'witty'
• Anger    
• Can be healthy, a stage, a part of the process.  e.g., Anger at a loved one for not taking care of his/herself and/or leaving behind a mess when they pass away.  
• Too large of a dose of it at once and/or too extended of a dose can move from simple venting to self-poisoning.
• Bitterness
• Often reflected in sarcastic tones.
• Can be anger that has hardened.

• Cathartic/Comforting
• Sadness
• A general feeling of blue.  
• Often characterized by the inability to 'move'.  Emotional molasses.
• Depression
• Sadness that has hardened to the point of almost a numbness. 
• Deep emotional molasses.
• Crying
• The pain becomes so acute, that it literally hurts to keep it in.
• Releases the toxins or poisons from our body
• Release endorphins.
• Laughter
• Can be finding joy where little exists.
• Can be making the best out of a rough circumstance
• Can provide a faux happy appearance where there is real pain waiting to be released.

• Faith/Spiritual/Relational
• Prayer
• Reaching out to our Higher Power/God.  Asking Him to take away or give us the tools to better manage our burdens.
• Meditation
• Pushing out the negative energy.
• Focusing on the positive.
• Counseling/Writing/Sharing
• Working through to the cause/root of the pain.
• Determining what is real/valid and what isn't.
• Discussing/hashing through the steps of healing.
• Friendships/Relationships
• Can be like our own personal counseling.
• Can give us a reprieve from the pain.
• Can let us know that we have support.
• If we rely solely on them to cope, we may be excluding effectively taking other steps to work though/deal with our pain.

• Destructive/Addictive coping
• Drugs/Alcohol
• Relying on a chemical to deal with what we should be processing.
• Destructive to progress, physically unhealthy and can be deadly.
• Relational
• Relying on addiction to other people--real or 'imaginary'-- affairs/porn.
• Reaching so heavily and often for it can suck the productive life out of us.
• Circumstances/Things
• Compulsive gambling, compulsive shopping, hoarding are examples.
• Expensive and drain us of emotional/necessary physical resources
• OCD behaviors
• Eating disorders, excessive cleaning are some examples.
• Time consuming and can in some cases be physically damaging.

I am sure there are many more ways of coping.  But those are the ones I readily see.  As I indicated I've become more acutely aware over time of the role of laughter in coping.  A sarcastic, condescending laughter is the way a narcissist might deal with pain/loss.  A nervous or excessive laughter is often a way of 'laughing vs. crying'.   In each case, there is a feeling of acute or intense pain.  In the one case, you may be avoiding displaying pain by pushing it out into laughter.   It can appear as being cheerful or happy--sometimes wittingly and sometimes unwittingly--but often is really a way of avoiding the vulnerable appearance of crying.

I well known saying is that "Laughter is good for the soul."   But, if it is a way of avoiding the other necessary coping mechanisms, it can be a nice storefront to a rotting soul. 

That being said, by all means I encourage people to laugh until their heart is content, but make sure it isn't completely at the expense of crying, praying, writing, meditating, etc.