Finding Jewels in the Darkness, part 2 (sensitive and not seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day)

Once again, I heard a song that for some reason has stuck with me for the past few years and I remember the first time it really started to like it.  Before, I go there, I must confess something that anyone who really knows me knows (even when I sometimes try to hide it).  At time I have a profoundly deep sensitive side.  It's not sensitive as in "weak", but sensitive as in I feel a range of emotions and I often can 'feel' the human experience very profoundly in myself and others.  Raised by a dad who didn't show emotions and who was deeply uncomfortable with 'feelings' being expressed, I learned to hide this side of me or at least not own up to it.  I've come to realize that as it says in the Bible,

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
...
 A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4) 


In other words, God understands and appreciates a sensitive side to his creation. Of course, society has always pretty well accepted that women can have a sensitive side, but it has only been in more recent decades that we've accepted the same in a man (at least openly recognizing it anyway).  Anyway, I've come to see it not as a curse, but as a blessing.  It has allowed me to be better able to feel and relate, understand, empathize and what I refer to as "sensing a disturbance in The Force").   However, while having a sensitive side is good and letting on to at times is good, like most everything in life there are limits.  For example, while we want our President to connect with us by showing anguish in a time of national hurt such as 9/11, we don't want our President to be a complete blubbering pile of goo at such times.  In my own life, I have revealed deep hurt (and tears of joy) a few times to my own daughter, but I know I can't afford the luxury of her seeing me upset on a regular basis, even if at times I might feel that way.  She needs to see in her dad that it is safe to have feelings, even vulnerable I'm feeling upset type feelings.  However, she needs to know that her I am strong enough to protect and guide her as well.  So, like I figure, a balance.

Anyway, the Song was "Grease" performed by Frankie Valli.  I'm sure I'd heard it many times and you know probably thought it was from a musical, meaning geared towards the other gender.   I'm supposing I was okay with it though.  In any case, this night that I had heard it, it was a fairly early stage in my divorce and I was VERY underemployed with other trials going on at that time.  I was very down.  It was about 2-3am in the morning and I was getting off of work.  I dunno, but when I heard it, for whatever reason, I connected with the song in a profound way.  For some reason, I finally focused on it enough to know that it is a coming of age song.  The messages I got from it were: that you can make it if you believe in who you are, that life as we know it is in many ways just an illusion and that our purpose is not always immediately clear.  Anyway, I will never forget that song, that early morning as long as I live and perhaps in some ways that was a turning point towards being in a better place.

I don't know if I'm an empath, but I know I have some of the tendencies for better or worse (as did my brother Bill).  But, how I tie this together is that this was a step along the road in realizing and accepting who I was--a sensitive person and possible empath.

As the title implied there are two parts to this blog entry.  The second part is the "seeing only clouds on a sunny day".   It's funny, we are taught to see the "silver lining" in the clouds.  In other words, the positives even in the darkest of times.  However, I believe as humans we have this tendency to gripe and moan about things in our life and overlook the fact that perhaps we may not have it so bad after all.

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I came to realize that failure is a default position.  It is easy to fail.  You don't have to do anything to fail.  In some cases, it is precisely by doing nothing that we fail.  In other words, failure is the easy path.  Similarly, I think it is human nature to focus on the negatives.  As a fallen creation, in this life we face trials and struggles which can seem overwhelming.   In this context it is easy to focus on the struggles or imperfections.  However, if we peel below the surface we may just see things aren't that bad.  We in pretty decent health, we have a roof over our head, we have reliable transportation and we have a steady paycheck which allow our basic needs to be met.  Additionally, we may have a loving partner who cares about us and loves us though not necessarily always likes us.  Focusing on the struggles in this context is like seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day.

It is at this times, we need to write or recite our daily gratitude list.

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The takeaway from this blog for me is twofold.  The Jewels to be found in the darkness are:

• Yourself and your good points about you.
• That if you peel away the below the surface or see beyond the clouds, you may just find that your life is not a mostly cloudy day, but instead a mostly sunny day with an occasional cloud.

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change, 

Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace. 

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is, 
not as I would have it. 

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will; 

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. 

Amen

- Karl Paul Reinhold Niebuhr

SEE: Finding Jewels in the Darkness

Finding Jewels in the Darkness

It's been a few years since my old life as I knew it stopped and it transformed into a new and different and in some ways better life.

I will eventually write a blog called "Growing up the hard way" about how the difficult and painful years from an early age to young adulthood and beyond can either destroy a person or be their path to maturity.  But, for now I will focus on something that I have realized recently.

Sometimes we go through dark periods in our lives in our lives animated by sadness, depression and/or grief.   At the time, we are focused on the hurt and the pain and surviving it.  In other words, we are too busy working through the pain to notice or to accept the happy moments.  In a way, we are stuck in the darkness of the moment and though we have happy moments, we really don't appreciate those moments until long afterward.  In other words, in hindsight, we locate jewels in the darkness.

The concept has been floating in my mind for a while not quite crystallized.  It was a simple thing that really flipped the switch on this the other day.  I was driving home from work the other day and heard "Wild One" by Flo Rida featuring Sia.  I love music and I have gotten some happiness or contentment out of listening to that song.  I looked back and at the time I was underemployed,  working through a divorce, didn't have my daughter, was in the process of losing my house and just lost my brother.  In short, I felt like I was living in hell.  But that song, for the few minutes it was on at a time, brought a little respite for my sadness and grief.

But, I look back and now I see that while I lost full-time custody of my daughter, I had some special moments with Olivia that I will savor.  It was me and funny girl facing the world.  We learned to enjoy "chasing nature": usually birds, ducks, squirrels or rabbits.  We went to church together and made friends.  We went on shopping trips together where I bonded with her over helping her to find clothes she loved.  We learned the simple joy of picking up food and refreshment at QT.  We learned the joy of sitting on the sidewalk, while picking out seeds out of pods.  I could go on forever, but what I realize in hindsight is this: while things were brutal around me, I look back and had moments of joy or happiness.  I call them "Jewels in the Darkness".

I guess my takeaway is this: always realize there is joy to be found in the darkest moments.

Goodnight and I hope my readers have a good day tomorrow.

--Rich

Out of the darkness and into the light.

Amazingly enough, we just have to realize that some truths are universal.  Like as in everything else about human nature, we can crack open a bible and find that nothing is new under the sun.  But, I digress.  Just as His chosen people were called out of the darkness and into the light...

(originally posted 2/23/15, my father has since passed away)

1 Peter 2:9 (KJ21) 

9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people, that ye should show forth the praises of Him who hath called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

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As many of you know, my dad has later stage Parkinson's.  He has little ability to do much for himself.  He gets most of his feedings through a tube and sometimes is allowed to eat yogurt.  Sometimes, he has his coherent moments and his incoherent moments.  Suffice to say, he needs constant care or supervision.  Anyway, I visit him when I can, when I don't have my daughter as he's never been big into grand-kids.   Yesterday, I visited him and I ran into this character who called himself "New York"--real name Juan.  Anyway, I asked him about that and he's originally from the Queens/Brooklyn area.  Interesting story.  He felt like his life path was meant to take him out of New York.  He expected he'd go to Mississippi at some point.  Anyway, he was hanging in St. Louis visiting people he knew and was playing a pickup game of basketball.  He alluded to the fact that he played D league basketball in his younger years.  Those are like NBA minor leagues is what I've heard.  Anyway, unbeknownst to him, someone was fixing to do a drive-by.  He was like, "While everyone else was diving for cover, I was jumping for the ball."  Long story short, a few got hit, but none as bad as he did.  He sustained a shot to his spinal cord and was rendered a paraplegic.  He was initially saying to the ambulance driver that he needs to go the hospital to get patched up so he can get back to hoops.   Some might take that as denial or not grasping, but it sounds like with him it was a never say die spirit.  Long story short, he could have lived with relatives, but he choose at this time to receive long-term care at my dad's nursing home.  He felt a calling, almost like that's where he needed to be.  

I was fascinated by his story.  3 days in town and his life was changed forever, yet he chose not to be bitter at God or St. Louis.  His family back in New York, was like out of all the people we least expected something like this to happen to him.  We were having a good spiritual discussion and I said maybe God knew that you out of all the people you know could have handled this.  In other words, if this was fated to happen, a lessor person would have folded.  He said his grandpa said something like that.  He also said that in a way, he felt like God was telling him to slow down.  So, he's the one who picks up the spirit of residents like my dad.  Out of darkness comes light.  Could have dove inward and been bitter, but instead gives back after having so much stolen from him.
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So, he's working on my dad.  Getting him to come to terms, etc.   Now my dad is 'old school' prejudice I want my boys to marry blonde haired, blue-eyed Aryan woman type.  He actually said that. Not to make excuses, but I have an idea of the environment he was raised...  Anyway ex was a brunette and had brown eyes and offered to dye her hair and get blue contacts, but he was like you know what I mean.  (LOL)   I love my dad, but don't always like him, but he's one the lessor likely candidates for an NAACP, diversity awareness type award.  But a funny thing happened, "New York" is a considerably younger African-American male with a lot of tattoos and yet he choose to befriend my dad.  My dad counts him as a friend.  Perhaps my dad can better appreciate those different than him.  A part of me is amused and a part of me is like wow, God works in mysterious ways.  So, anyway, I talked it up with New York and said, you know if there is anything you can do to help, work on his spirituality and coming to terms with his health issues (rather than being delusional).   I think I might take some time out to just visit this cat outside of a dad visit.  :-)

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Does God wish for bad things to happen to us?  I am fairly sure He doesn't.  Does He cause bad things to happen?  Once again, I'm tending to think no.  Does He allow?  Well God, being God does have ultimate say.  Healings occur where the prognosis looks grim.  People come into our lives at the seeming right moment.  We nearly avoid tragedies from time to time.  So, I believe He can and does step in, especially when we pray to Him about our concerns.  But, as with free will and us not having immortality.  He doesn't control us and bad things happen.  However, I am of the belief that He uses bad circumstances, our darkest hours to change us, to allow an opportunity to grow, to offer us freedom.

• My brother's death was a wake-up call to me to not bottle things up, to stand up where I would not have had the strength or insight to, to reevaluate to make sure I didn't go down the rabbit hole he did.  Perhaps, as bad as it was, God used the shock of his death granted me life in a way.
• My mom's sudden passing last year gave me the opportunity to grown and mature.  Someone had to step up and say, I will make sure it is paid for, it is done right.   I wasn't asking for it, but in life, our role are revealed.  Out of love for her, I was not going to fight my role.  Knowing that I could handle this trial by fire made me realize that I was stronger than I thought.                          

Most people, if they look hard enough have a circumstance or two (or more) in which the darkest hour has the potential to have a silver lining:

• A new path opens which you could never have anticipated.  Meet new friends, develop new support networks.
• An opportunity to realize strength where you didn't realize you had it.  Burying a loved one.
• You wake up and realize the path you were on was leading you to destruction.  For example, a drinking buddy gets killed and there but for the grace of God, could it have been you with him, the next time.

As a corollary, understanding and appreciating the silver lining doesn't mean you are grateful for the dark clouds, it just means God has given you the wisdom to see good come out of bad.  For example, it was hard to watch my late brother descend and it was equally as hard seeing good out of it.  But, I have to trust God that he's in a better place and that God used that as an opportunity to shake things up in my life.  I will always remember him and wish things hadn't turned out the way they did, but I can take away the silver lining without guilt.

(If you like this post, look at Finding Jewels in the Darkness for similar thoughts)