A Life Without Regret Is a Life Not Lived

I was responding to a friend's humorous meme post on Facebook which dealt with the topic of regret.  Namely, it was about how it is funny seeing a friend do something they'll regret later, but encouraging to do so anyway.   My point was that if you were a 'real' friend, you'd be in the trenches with them engaging in the activity that you both would regret.  In the process of discussing it, it occurred to me: a life that is rich (and truly lived) will have regret in it.

Now, I'm not encouraging extreme deviancy or anything like that, but at the same time, some of the most fulfilling times or aspects of our lives involve behaviors, actions and choices (BAC) that could potentially lead to regret.  For most people, responsibility is drilled in our head from an early age:

• Be a good listener
• Obey or mind your parents/elders/teachers
• Drive defensively/responsibly
• Do your homework/put your education first/choose wisely your career.
• Eat your vegetables/lay off of the junk food
• Do unto others/consider the feelings of others
• Spend your money wisely
• Choose your friends wisely
• Drink responsibly
• Wait for the pedestrian crossing light says it is safe walk/walk in the crosswalk.
• Brush your teeth after every meal/floss daily
• Don't talk to strangers
• Don't drink/smoke/do drugs/curse
• Get plenty of sleep
• Obey warning signs

I could go on, but get the idea.  We are taught to do this and that and to not do this or that.  In short, we are taught to be RESPONSIBLE, RESPONSIBLE, RESPONSIBLE.  Usually, the advice given is good advice for living and interacting with others.  However, as I said to my daughter one time when we saw a sign told us not to sit on a wall, "Some rules are meant to be broken".  So, we did so and watched fireworks. In other words, some rules are so overbearing, overprotective, outdated, discredited or just plain ridiculous, that they are just begging to be ignored.   But, I digress.

If we spend our lives always making sure we 'do the right thing', we miss out on:

• Learning from our mistakes
• Doing it better next time (if there is a next time)
• Being better to appreciate the value of good choices.  
• Figuring out our limits/boundaries and when it is okay to push them and when it is good to back off.
• Being able to lighten up laugh at ourselves and have others view us as more approachable. In other words, personality.

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For me, this whole concept is illustrated beautifully in Tapestry (Star Trek: The Next Generation).  In that episode Captain Picard apparently, had died on the operating table in the present due to injuries to his artificial heart.  A normal heart would have survived the injury, but unfortunately when he was younger he needed an artificial heart.  The character Q, who is a God-like figure, gives Picard a chance to look back on (and apparently have a second chance at the circumstances surrounding the need for an artificial heart and hence avoid dying on the table in the present.

Picard was a rash, impulsive young man when he was in the Starfleet Academy. He lost his original heart when he unadvisedly joined a brawl in support of a friend.  His friend had been cheated in a bar game by a group called Nausicaans and had returned the favor by cheating them.  This enraged the Nausicaans and propelled his friend into a conflict with them.  Picard had joined the ensuing conflict and was stabbed in the heart, nearly dying in the process leading to the need for an artificial heart.

Picard had always regretted his impulsive attitude that led to his near death as a young man. So, when given a chance by Q to see how his life would have turned out had he avoided the nearly fatal conflict he jumped at it.  This time when his friend was confronted, he stepped in and defused the conflict, humiliating his friend in the process.  Fast forward to the alternative present.  Picard, instead of being a captain, was a miserable undistinguished ensign.  Those whom he know as his crew were now over him.  He asked them why he was an ensign and they indicated that it was because he played it safe.  When asked about it Q explained that the incident he regretted gave him a sense of his own mortality.  It also taught him that sometimes the value of life.  In other words, life is too valuable to just to waste it in fear of losing it.  In his alternative present, Picard had not learned that lesson and just like he did in the conflict in the bar--in the alternative past--with the Nausicaans, he avoided risk at all cost, leading to his mediocrity.

Picard now realize the thing that he regretted was the thing that gave him direction, a respect for his boundaries and when to push them and when not to.  In other words, it gives him clarity as to what's important and led him to being respected by others.  In short, he impulsively took a chance that he would regret, but that chance and the consequences of it gave him more clarified his life.  Had he just played it safe in life, he would not have gained that focus and clarity and sense of what's important.  Ultimately, Q gives him the opportunity to replay the fight again one more time.  This time Picard jumps in to defend his friend's honor, getting stabbed in the heart in the process.  He then woke up in the present in sick bay, apparently having come back to life with his artificial heart.

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I'm not saying it is great to live your life, purposely making terrible choices or taking very dangerous chances.  However, understand that we learn through our 'mistakes'.  They can build us, shape us and give us clarity.  While taking chances and pushing boundaries can put some off some people off, it can also attract others who see us as being fearless or brave and who has a sense of adventure.  IMHO, If we always avoid choices and decisions that we think we might regret, we risk living an unsatisfying mediocre life, like Captain Picard in Tapestry.  In other words, in some ways, it is going through the motions or just being alive.  That's why I say, "A life without regret is not a life lived."

Peace out,
Rich

Failing doesn't make you a failure

I am glad that this election cycle is winding down.  In my 47 years, this election was probably the most hostile/tense election season we as a nation have even witnessed.  As with any elections there were winners and losers.  I think it's pretty clear the 'winners' and the 'losers' in this election cycle and analysis thereof is being repeated ad infinitum.  So, I won't focus on that, but it does lend itself to the following concept:

Failing doesn't make you a failure.  

For anyone who has ever had a significant failure in their life such as:

• Falling short of being elected.

• Failure in marriage.

• Falling of short of winning the big game.

• Not getting the promotion/losing your job.

• Failing in school.

• Broken friendships.

it is hard to separate a particular failure or failing from the overall sense of being a failure.  It is akin to shame vs. guilt.  Shame focuses on self (and has a sense of at least semi-permanence), guilt focus on poor choices (and can be more passing).  Similarly, labeling oneself as a failure, implies feeling broken in a permanent way, whereas noting a failure implies limited--in scope and permanence--damage.

If one is labeled a failure, he or she has effectively had their successes negated or overwhelmed by the label.  If one is said to have failed, it is feasible that their successes before are still respected and that their chance of success after is recognized.

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It is easy to say tell someone who is in the midst of a particular failure that they aren't a failure, but it can harder for them to accept it.  What they've got to realize is that 

• Everyone has failings in their life.  After all, if that weren't the case, why would we have the need for a Higher Power (God)?
• Some of the people we consider 'successful' failed time and again before they hit on their life's success. Successful people who have failed:
• Henry Ford went broke 5 times before succeeding at Ford Motor Company
• Bill Gates dropped out of college and failed in his first business (Traf-O-Data) before starting arguably the most successful software company (Microsoft).
• Oprah Winfrey was born poor to a single teenage mom, was abused as kid and became a teen mom--child died in infancy--before she landed a radio job which ultimately led to her billion dollar production company.
• Not everyone wins 'the big game/election/promotion', but that doesn't nullify their accomplishments.
• Ernie Banks never made it to the World Series, but his Hall of Fame induction gives lie to the concept that this made him a failure.
• Tim Tebow had limited success in the NFL, but no one can take away his Heisman Trophy and National Championship at Florida.  Additionally, he has carved out success in broadcasting.
• Adlai Stevenson is remembered by many as losing the Presidency to Eisenhower twice, but no one can take away his time as Governor of Illinois, Ambassador to the U.N. and his efforts in making a JFK presidency possible. 
• That it is okay to visit (mourn) a particular failure/failing, but it is not okay to live there.  Visiting or mourning failure appropriately and moving forward can strengthen us.  Living in failure can be very disabling or debilitating. 
• Our faith can be a strong guide, however, we are not born with an individual instruction manual.  Our Higher Power and true friend and family in our lives understand that we will at times not make the best choices of ignorance or maybe even hubris.  That doesn't mean that we are stupid or a bad person, it just means we don't always have all the answers.  See my post on the Fog of War and Decisions/Choices.  

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One final note: We've all heard the term 'narcissist', but I'm convinced of a concept that I call 'negative narcissism'.  The idea being that a negative narcissist finds it easier to live in the concept of being a failure than having a more balanced view of their lives.  If you label yourself as a failure, it makes it easier not to accept responsibility for individual failings.  It also, makes it easier to justify not taking steps to try to succeed.   After all, if you are a failure (or destined to it), then well, you couldn't help it anyway and why bother trying?

Anyway, whether our candidate or team wins or loses, they don't have to be considered a failure.  If a particular endeavour in our life ends in success or failure, we can own a failing, but we don't have to own being a failure.  Just some post election musings.

-- Rich

Decisions/choices we make and the "fog of war".

This will be a short sweet blog this morning.   This reminds me of a blog that I did on Finding peace in the eye of the storm vs. shelter from it.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he explained to me that if he was back in the situation he was years ago he'd have approached things much differently.   As the famous saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.  But what does that really mean?

• Clearly we just learn more over time.  We are exposed to more circumstances that we have never faced or been through.   We also are exposed to similar circumstances multiple times.  This is to say, we can't help but pick up more knowledge and/or a greater understanding.  For example, we may empathize with a friend who lost a parent, but until we've lost a parent and had to handle that, we just don't know what all goes into dealing with the death of a parent.  Hindsight being 20/20 means if we'd known all that goes into it before it happened, we'd possibly have made better decisions.
• We 'had the knowledge' at the time we faced the circumstances in question, but there was something blocking us from truly seeing it situation completely and/or executing the choices/decisions we should have.  This is what I refer to as "the fog of war".  Here are a few examples of the 'fog of war':
• We know what we need to do, but our pride gets in the way.  We simply can't get or see past it.  For example, we might be struggling to find a job in our field, but we also need to pay the bills.  In this situation pride might cause us to not take a lesser job for a while, while looking for the job we 'should be able to get'.  After our pride has cleared, we will realize that we probably brought on more hardship than we needed to.
• We feel shame or guilt over something in our own life and let it get in the way of decision-making/choices.  In other words, shame and guilt cloud over our thought process.  For example, I think it is common for divorced parents to let the guilt or shame in their role in the unraveling of their marriage get in the way.  Also, guilt or shame over the damage of divorce to the children, can get in the way of their parenting.   If someone feels like they played a large role in the failure of their marriage, it might leave them feeling compromised, for example.  If they feel guilty about what a divorce is doing or has done to their child, then they may be lax in discipline or let things slide that they normally wouldn't.  When you feel bad about yourself, it can be harder to hold another accountable the way you should.  After the feelings have subsided, it will likely be much easier to see past the guilt or shame and just focus on exactly what needs to be done.  We might look back and said I tolerated too much disobedience and I wish I'd be more assertive.
• Someone close to us is dying or dies.  We are busy mourning their passing or imminent passing.  We can be overwhelmed with thoughts about the situation.  Our normally clear thinking can take second place to the intense hurt or passion of the situation.  As a practical matter we are focused on the (impending) loss and we just don't have enough emotional space to allow our clearer thoughts to take root.  After the situation has calmed down or we've had time to grieve, things can be much clearer.

The long and short of it is this.  When the passions, emotions, guilt/shame or other demons are present, we may know on some level what choices to make, but we may get distracted from making the best choice based on those obstacles to our 'sight' or not having the strength to move past them at the time.  We may unintentionally rationalize our decisions/choices due to our lacking strength or courage.  That is to say, if we are not up to making the best decision, we may just make the decisions that we are able to and find a way to rationalize it as the 'best decision'.  This isn't meant as a criticism, but an unfortunate reflection of the reality at the time.

I guess this all points to the following plan of action:

1. Doing the best we can do with the information we have at the time.
2. Considering that unseen and underestimated obstacles might be in the way of our making the best decision or choice.
3. Praying for wisdom and insight into making the right choice. Praying that we can see past any obstacles.

I believe if we work those three basic steps we can cut down on hindsight or regretful thinking no matter how things turn out.