Freedom: Part 1: Freedom At Last

Ever hear a song that you haven't heard in a while and for whatever reason it sticks in your mind for a while?   I don't know if it is an earworm at play, suddenly getting the meaning of it aka "really hearing it for the first time" or just the song having a meaning now that it didn't have when you previously had heard it.  I have Sirius XM and they change up some of the channels from time to time.  Recently, they made one of their channels to be the "George Michael" channel.  Whatever demons he had, he was a very talented singer and songwriter and I've always appreciated that.

Anyway, I heard his version of "Freedom" he wrote as part of Wham.  So, it got me to thinking what exactly is freedom?  Can something seem like freedom but is really a prison of sorts?  So, I pondered those two questions/thoughts as well as others and here is what I came up with.

THOUGHTS/DEFINITIONS OF FREEDOM

• The ability to make your own choices/decisions (as opposed to being controlled or pressured to do something different).
• That can mean not having to make a choice.
• That can mean making a choice which you otherwise might not be able to.
• Control can come from an outside source (others).
• Control can come from an internal source (our hangups).
• The can mean not being held back by ourselves/others.

• The ability to be yourself or express yourself without recrimination or at least fear of the consequences of doing so.
• Worrying less about what others think as we get older.
• Often due to confidence gained from experience.
• Often from contempt about being told 'what to okay to do or think', especially when it comes from those with much less life experience.
• Often due to fatigue of expending the energy trying to worry about what others think.
•  The ability to set better set aside or let go of worry about what others think.
• Realization that you can't control what others think.
• Realization that letting what others think gets in the way of being yourself can be harmful or toxic.
• Realization that you'll never be able to please everyone, so you might as well be true to yourself.
• Realization that life is too short and some things are just too important to let others dictate or overly influence you.
• How we raise our children is a great example of this.  While we can heed what others say or take it into account.  We can't let others dictate how we parent.  Being paralyzed by what others think can get in the way of effective parenting.

• Not having to rely on another.
• For our material needs.
• For our contentment or happiness
• For our sense of purpose or being. 

• Not having 'report' to another.
• Could be an employer
• Could be a parent or adult or someone who is in charge of you.
• Could be a mate.

• Nothing left to hold onto/nothing left to lose.  This one I will explore in another blog post.

• Really just an illusion.
• We always have someone we need to report to
• Even a business owner will have to 'report' to his or has to answer to clients or potential clients.
• Every year on our around April 15th-and for some more often-people have to report to the IRS.  
• In our modern society, we will always have to rely on others. Examples include
• Not everyone can raise their own livestock or farm for feed needs.
• We don't have the ability to maintain or fix the roads we travel on in most cases.
•  Freedom is rarely free
• Each Memorial, Veteran's and Independence Day, we are reminded of the cost of fighting to achieve and retain our freedoms (life and death struggle).
• Often we have to give up something to gain freedom.
• Dying gives us freedom from pain and suffering
• Lonliness and alienation from some of those around us can be the cost of freedom from a 'bad relationship'.
• Financial hardship can result from being separated from a soul-sucking job.

Let's break some points down a little further.

Freedom From Control

•  I think when mot people think of freedom, they think of not having to answer to someone or not having someone try to control you in some way.  That's easy to spot.  What is harder to spot is when is when you are in your own prison.  That is where you are beholden to your own demons or hang-ups.  

Freedom Is Being Yourself

•  I believe history is littered with people who felt imprisoned to expectations of those close to them and society in general.  Whether we feel we cannot choose whom we couple with, what we should do with our lives, what we are allowed to think or express, or something else along those lines, being imprisoned to the expectations of others is hard on the soul.  Back in the day,  I've always been a very sensitive person and in some regards in the era I grew up in that was frowned upon as a guy.   I felt like there was a pressure to be 'macho' and not show 'weakness' or especially sensitivity.  The later for a guy was interpreted by some as a sign of homosexuality or at least being a 'sissy'.  I never saw and still don't see those things in myself, but as a teen wanting acceptance, I certainly didn't want to be pegged anything like that.   I liked what I liked.  I liked 'Wham!' and I think to a large extent people 'knew' George Michaels was gay.   I knew it wasn't the most macho music for a guy to listen to, but I liked it, but didn't brag about that.  I have realized over time that the fact that I like it was all that was important.  It didn't matter if it didn't fit the stereotype of 'dude' music.  It didn't matter if people mocked them (and by proxy) guys who might like it.  None of that mattered.  I like what I like and if others have a problem with it, well I might not be accepted, but if that's the price of acceptance, it's not worth it.   But as a guy with a very sensitive side, I knew I had to 'keep it hidden'.   Anyway, the freedom to be yourself is either the actually when you aren't criticized for being who you are OR it is the ability to move past caring or at least getting paralyzed by what others think. 

Freedom Is A Prison

• You want to give up drinking, smoking, gambling, etc.   However, your spirit is trapped in rut where you feel compelled to feed your hang-ups.  As I alluded to earlier, this can be a prison of sorts rather than 'freedom'.  You may be old enough to engage in self-destructive and addictive behavior and you may even celebrate your 'freedom' to engage in certain behaviors.  But, in time what seemed like freedom really is imprisonment to your own demons.

Freedom Can Have A Cost

• Like most things that matter in life, there is cost. To live a comfortable life, we typically have to work hard and sometimes long hours.  To do the best for our kids, we often have to sacrifice or set aside our own needs or wants.  Freedom is no different.  We may not have to go to the front line and put our life on the line, to ensure our (and others') freedom, but there is usually a cost.   If we are okay with being single, we may not have to 'answer to' a mate, but we may feel lonliness at times and we may give up the chance for a love connection.  We may be away from a toxic job that was hurting us mentally and/or spiritually, but it may come at a cost of a lifestyle we are used to.  We want the freedom to afford to travel where we want, but we have to sacrifice a lot of time on hard work to afford us the opportunity.  We have a 1st Amendment to speak our mind, we may not go to prison, but it can cost us things like our job and our friends.  There are countless examples, but the point is clear.  Freedom is not free.

There are many other possible takes on freedom I'm sure, but these are the ones that stand out to me.  As I think freedom means nothing left to lose needs a more of a treatment, I will leave that for later, but I think this covers a lot of ground.

Just my thought and I hope some of my takes get my readers to think about it.  Maybe come up with their own definitions and perhaps come up with a different take.  In any case, as I am ending this blog, feel free to spend your time on other things.  Maybe feel free to look at other blog posts.

Cheers,

Rich

Demons Part 4: No matter where you go, you will always be with you...

Recently I was listening to "My Eyes Adored You" by Frankie Valli and it got me to thinking.  In this song, over time, he sings of a lady friend whom he has loved literally since he was a kid.  Even though she never returned his love, it still remained in his heart no matter where he was, how long it had been, and no matter what he did.  In short, that was his cross to bear.  One could say perhaps it was his demon as there was no escaping his unrequited love for his lady friend.  With my birthday coming up soon, I thought this blog idea (and quote) was quite appropriate.

I've come to realize that everyone in this life has their cross to bear--for some it is a physical cross, for other it is psychological.  Sometimes that cross to bear feels like a demon.  The funny thing about personal demons is that you can't outrun them.  You can try to hide from them, you can try to ignore them, you can try to 'medicate' them away, but unless you've dealt with them, they will be there wehn you 'finish the day'.  I'm not sure who quoted it first, but as a wise man once said, "Wherever you go, there you are".

One of my favorite Bible stories is that of Jonah and the Whale.  In that story, the Lord spoke to his servant Jonah and told him to go to Nineveh and preach to the Ninevites.   They needed to repent of their sins lest they faith His wrath and be destroyed.  Well Jonah didn't particularly like the people of Nineveh as they were enemies of Israel.  So, he was fine with the Lord destroying them and therefore tried to run from obligations.  Naturally, the Lord being the Lord, He wasn't going to just sit idly by while His servant Jonah disrespected His will.  So, when Jonah caught a ship going the other way, the Lord sent a great storm that way.  Jonah was then awoken by the ship's captain and implored to call upon God to calm the storm.  Soon thereafter, the ship's population cast lots and determined that it was Jonah who had brought the trouble with him.  Jonah realized at this point what he needed to do to save the ship and its crew.  After some resistance from them, Jonah convinced the crew to toss him overboard to calm God.  Eventually they did and immediately thereafter the great storm had ceased, putting the fear of the Lord in all of them.  Anyway, Jonah was swallowed by a great whale and after three days in the whale, he cried up to God to spare him.  The Lord chose to spare him and the whale spat him on dry land.  When the Lord ordered Jonah to go to Nineveh again, Jonah took the hint and went there, upon which time the Ninevites repented of their sins and were spared.  In this story, Jonah was fortunate as his demon or cross that he had to bear was blatantly obvious: He had to help those whom he hated, no matter how much it upset him.   In our lives, the demons are not always so obvious and/or more not have a way to be (fully) resolved.  Yet,  even if we can't make a demon disappear, we can find a way to come to terms with it even while we work to lessen it.

Dealing with "Demons"

• Recognizing them
• Awareness of their existence.
• Awareness of what they are
• Awareness of what they aren't
• Accepting their existence.
• Accepting the full extent of them.
• Accepting whatever level of permanence they are at.
• Dealing with them
• Knowing what you can and should do to deal with them.
• Knowing what you can't or shouldn't do to deal with them.
• Coming to terms with them
• Accepting the aspects (of demons) that you can't change.
• Working to change the aspects that you can.
• Being wise enough to know which demons (or aspects thereof) you can change, which ones you cannot and being willing to accept the difference.

A personal example

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my biggest demons is sadness, specifically missing my daughter.  I have less than half time custody of her (and only half the holidays).  I've learned to deal, but I still cannot escape the sadness.  Sometimes I just have to be sad and maybe shed a few tears.  But, I know I can't just have her whenever I want.  I've accepted that I will have times in which I don't get to see her and I will be sad.  However, I know there are things I can do to maximize my time with her-including volunteering to coach, offering to watch her when her mom has late/early morning meetings, asking for days during the summer if/when her mom offers it.

I've recognized my demon--sadness due to loss of time with my daughter--and accepted it as part of who I am (a man who has strong feelings).   I've recognized what I can do to deal with the demon and what I cannot.  I'm also working to change the situation to the extent I can (and therefore reduce the loss of missing her).

Anyway, just my random musing the week.  Hopefully, you are able to retrieve something out of this post.

Cheers,

Rich


Other posts on demons:

Demons: Facing Demonsl

Demons, Part 2: Melancholy

Demons Part 3: 'Bloodletting' pain as a way of mourning

Demons, Part 2: Melancholy

I guess it was just about time to write another Demons-related post.

You ever have those nights in which you can't sleep, you feel melancholy.  Sort of a sense that you've made it through the hurts that life has thrown you, the wounds that life has dealt you and the destruction you have witnessed,  You made it through by whatever means you could, but perhaps you haven't really faced or processed all that life has thrown at you.
(Originally written and posted on 04/18/16)

They say life is for the living, but even the living need time to process the wounds, to process the hurts and to process the destruction.  Yes, life is for the living, but even the living need time to catch their breath, even the living need time to process, even the living need time to reflect, but life doesn't always offer those moments.  Just for once, it would be nice to scream, "ENOUGH!" as we catch our breath.

We adapt, we move forward, we put on the happy face (at least until the crowd is gone) and then we try to move back into our own little space to try to make sense of it all.  Sometimes, we are blocked by the need to move forward, sometimes we are blocked by the inability to face head-on a profound loss, and sometimes we are just blocked by the sense or push to "get over it".  As if we can take punch after punch and say, "well that didn't hurt".  As if we can fall down the stairs and yell upstairs, "I'm ok".  As if we can bury a family member on Tuesday and go back to work on Friday and say, "I'm good."

I guess what I am saying is that I think we spend too much time sleepwalking through life.  We spend too much time being the walking wounded without really contemplating or breaking down what the h*ll happened.  As much as it pains me, I know I'd rather face the music, face the pain, face the demons than push them down like a snooze button on an alarm only to have them pop up ever more distracting/annoying/upsetting than the previous time.

Anyway, that's my happy thought for the morning.   Rich 1, Poison 0.  HA

 

Demons: Facing Demons

Facing Demons

It is counter-intuitive,

But sometimes in order to live

We have to step deep into our pain

It can hurt incredibly, but there is much to gain

Placing our hand into the flame

Facing head-on our shame

It will hurt at first

The very very worst

But, gradually we will find

As we unwrap and unwind

We will gain strength and power

To live another hour

In meditation and prayer

By our side God will always be there

To help us along the way

If along the path of healing we stay

See also:

Facing Demons

The Basis of a Butterfly

Bark on the Wild Side

Understanding people where they are, but not going there...

I previously wrote a blog about accepting people where they are called "Accepting people for where they are".  A corollary one is understanding people, but not going where they are.  I've been previously in and I've had friends who have been in unhealthy relationships.  That has given a certain insight into understanding and relating to people.

(Refresh and repost of 2/22/15)

We each meet many people along life's road and most of the time we have to make a decision about how we want our relationship with them to proceed. How much energy, if any, do we put in a relationship with them?  We may get them on some level and may be able to appreciate where they are, but that doesn't mean we have to follow them there (or continue following them).

Pick an addiction--alcoholism, drug addiction, overeating, gambling, etc.  We often have faced similar demons in our life and we can on a deep level understand or relate to what another is going through.  There is even a tendency to want to reach out and help that person as you know their hurt.  They might have been abused, beaten, or otherwise hurt in their life.   You feel bad for them.  Having that sweetness of soul that you would care that much about another who has been hurt or is hurting is wonderful.  It says something about you that you have that much empathy.   However, it is always important to keep your wits about you when dealing with them.

As I see it, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself when determining what role you play in their life of a person who is struggling with a life issue.

• Is the other trying to better him or herself?   That's the basic question.
• In many cases, it isn't so much how quickly they are working to get healed, but rather if they are even trying.
• Progress can be like momentum.  Sometimes a few small 'successes' in healing can lead to confidence to take larger steps, which in turn, can lead to even larger steps.  In other words, it's important not to misjudge the pace of another's recovery.  What appears to be a small step could in fact be a large step.  Ultimately, it boils down to do you have hope with them?
• In some ways, stepping in to 'help' or 'be there' might turn into enabling them or keeping them from facing their demon.  I once had to step aside to let someone I was dating find herself.  Being her 'hero' or 'white night' was giving her an excuse not to 'find herself'.
• Is where they are a place that is dangerous to you?
• You can love and appreciate someone and be encouraged by their recovery, but if it jeopardizes your own, it is best to appreciate them from afar.
• For example, say you and another struggle with a similar demons (such as alcoholism) or toxic-ally opposite demons (body image vs. porn).  If the other's recovery halting at best, you might appreciate or admire that they are trying, but realize that the other could still be very dangerous to you.  However, if they aren't in recovery all, then it goes without saying that they WILL be dangerous to you.
• What can you do safely for them?  That's a followup to the previous point.
• Can you go in the trenches for them?  That is, pick them up and dust them off when they fall or is that too dangerous.
• Can you be a friend they can call when they are heading towards a bad place.  In other words, when they are "in their head", but haven't fully engaged their addict.  
• Do you just have to completely stay away from them until they have hit rock bottom?  Sometimes, when people just aren't ready for recovery.  In this case, if you try to stand out in the middle of the road waving a caution flag, you risk them completely missing your flag or worse them running over you.

In life, you can overlook, forgive, 'forget' and come to terms with people.  You can understand and have empathy for the demons that are driving them, BUT that doesn't mean going going in the trenches with them.  Sometimes, you just have to let go and let God for those who you care most about.  You can understand their struggle, but sometimes for one or both of your sake, you have to step aside, no matter how bad or guilty you feel about it.  Some circumstances are just too big for you and God is better equipped to handle them.

As much as I'd love to blog happy blogs, I realize that's not where everyone is all the time.

Thank for reading again.

Rich