Faking It without being Fake

I think by the time we are well into our adulthood, we've heard society's "grown-ups in the room" spout the cliche "It's okay to disagree without being disagreeable".  Some cliches, no matter how overused they are, still have value.  This one is one of them.  Anyway, we've all heard others discuss having to deal with 'fake people' and it got me to think.

We've all been around groups of people that are fake and hopefully we are not unwittingly part of such a group.  We see them on Facebook and they like each other's posts.  You wonder if they even care about the posts for the others in their clique or they just want to be seen as being friendly or supportive, but I digress.   Sometimes you'll see them virtue signaling on social media or elsewhere and you wonder whom they are trying to impress with their 'thoughtful' take.  Sometimes we'll see them hang out in clubs together.  We may also see them group together at our place of education, employment or worship.  Wherever we run across them, they can be annoying to be around or to deal with.  Unfortunately, they due to circumstance between our control sometimes we have to deal with them--coworkers, classmates, supervisors, etc.

We could get or stay annoyed by them.  However, sometimes, especially if they have authority over us, it is best to learn how to 'play the game without being a piece on the board'.  That is, "Fake it, without being fake".   Before you take this step, you have to determine what it means and if you are capable of it.


The Rules of the Game.

• Remember when you are 'going along to get along', not to cross you own red lines.  Such as:
• Not hurting others.  For example, try to avoid piling on when others are being attacked, especially where the ones being attacked could be hurt or get wind of it.  Even if it not harmful to the subject of the attack, it is at the very least harmful to you and those whom you influence.  Besides, it is below your dignity.
• Not going against your core beliefs.  For example, don't resort to helping them steal or lying about work hours if that's what it takes to be part of the group.
• Not putting yourself in jeopardy to get along.  For example, if you work somewhere where your coworkers are doing something unethical, don't participate in hopes of being accepted.
• Be aware of what really matters and what is safe to opine about
• Some things are throwaway such as talking about your favorite restaurants or your favorite vacation spots.  As long as the 'fake' people aren't rude to you about it, what does it really matter as these are subjects that don't matter in the big scheme of things.
• Some things are fairly uncontroversial such as rooting for the home teams.  You can typically talk about these things without hurting other's feelings or compromising yourself.
• Some things you should avoid especially if it is a sore subject for someone in the group, unless it is to empathize perhaps.  No matter how 'fake' a person is, he or she still has feelings buried underneath the facade.
• Be aware of what is important to others in the game and look for areas of actual agree-ability.
• Compliment where you can safely (and honestly) such as on their clothes, car or whatever.  Fake people, often are just people search for validation.  If you can provide it honestly, it costs you nothing, but can make a difference.
• Ask questions that show interest.  Fake people can be very vain and like to talk about themselves.
• Pay attention to what they talk about, you might learn something which can help in future relations.

Determining if you want to play.

• What is the cost of the game?  If the cost is too high, such as compromising your values or putting up with too much BS, it probably isn't worth it.
• What is the benefit of the game?  Fake people might actually be able to help you if you 'help' them.  If you show likability towards them, even if not necessarily 100% genuine, they might be pleasant to you and perhaps offer networking help.
• There is a chance that someone(s) you perceive as 'fake' are just insecure people who are playing the game too and who seek a true friend.
• Can you be friendly and agreeable with fake people without the fakeness spilling over?

Is that your final answer?

• When determining how you want to proceed with fake people--whether you want to avoid them as much as possible, be businesslike or kill them with kindness--you have to consider the costs and benefits.
• You have to determine how much you are willing to put yourself out there.  When dealing with difficult people in general, it is best to put yourself out there as much as you are comfortable with.  In other words, how much are you willing to safely share with others?
• You have to be willing to change approach if one approach isn't working.  For example,  
• If your efforts to kill them with kindness don't work and are draining you, you may have to step back and let it go.  If someone is fake and doesn't accept your kindness or worse, pushes back, you have to make sure your don't allow yourself to get hurt in the process.
• If trying to avoid dealing with fake people isn't working.  In other words, they try to draw you in, it might be best to accept their overtures and find where you can be agreeable with them.  Otherwise, you might just have to step away from them as much as possible.

This applies to adults as well, but most kids want to be accepted and thought of well.  Unfortunately, I think in some cases, they resort to being whom they think they need to be instead of whom they are.  They look for acceptance among the 'in' kids, they crave something that feel is missing and will do whatever it takes to get it.   I think this extends into adulthood.  Maturity is realizing it is okay to be yourself and not someone 'you need to be' and being comfortable with it.  We have to deal with them in our teens and our adulthood sometimes.  But like the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" implies, we should make an effort to meet others where they are, especially when we can't avoid dealing with them.  It may not be on our terms, and therefore may feel like we are "Faking It", but it doesn't mean that we are "Fake".  Being respectful of others where they are doesn't mean we are fake, it means that we are considerate (and in some cases out of necessity).  We become "Fake" when we cross our red lines to do so and/or allow it to spill over into how we deal with everyone.

It's just you and me and we just disagree...

When I originally posted this back in February 2015, I was about to post about dating these days, especially dating site dating, but I had a better idea at that moment.  I thought, I've seen enough relationships that end with a thud and a blame game and felt like perhaps I have some insight those.  To me, much of the time, relationships end with a huge blame game.  That to me is such a waste of energy which leaves no one happy. I think what drove this blog may have been that I was a bit irritable too in hearing about a particular broken relationship.  Don't fully remember now.

Anyway, in the beginning of many failed relationships, it's like a Steve Miller song.  Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time...  

Reality hits eventually.  We either realize the other person has traits we are not particularly fond of OR probably more accurately finally accept they have those traits.  Anyway, over time, we decide if the other is what we want in a mate.  Eventually, one (or more) of these types of scenarios will play out:

• Enough doubt accumulates and we wake up and think WTH am I doing in this situation? 
• A tipping point is hit in which we know we can't stay in the situation.
• Let's be honest: in some cases, we find another fancier newer toy--another person--that 'humors' us more. 
• We choose our addictions over the other person.

In any case, whatever reason for the breakup, there seem to be two common traits that are present at the end many/most relationships.  

   1) Needing to explain away how we could have spent as much time and effort in a failed relationship.

   2) Need to 'win' aka portray yourself as the reasonable one and the other as the jerk/nut/gold digger...

IMHO, it's really really a pride issue.  Assuming the person hasn't totally hid who they are, that is to say they are largely the same person as they were on day one, then whether you accept them now for who they are is not their problem,  it is your problem.  If I have a personality trait or whatever and I haven't hid it, but you are just now realizing the nature of it and don't like it, once again that isn't my problem, it is yours.  

For example, if I tell slightly off-color jokes and you seem to be fine with it for a long time--and even seem to laugh at them--and one day you attack me for it, how is that my issue? If one of your friends thought it was in bad taste and you rip me for it, how is it a my fault issue?  I haven't changed, you just have decided for whatever that is something you can't accept.  That's your prerogative, but to rip me for it now, isn't fair.

If you think to yourself, how could I have settled, that isn't my issue, it's yours.  Just because you weren't able to assess your wants or needs properly doesn't mean that that I should take the blame for it.  Don't just decide to attack me and label me as this or that because you carry your own shame and/or shame around your friends for 'settling'.  The mature way to handle it is to say, you know, "we are two different people and too different of people" and move on.  There doesn't have to be shame.  Instead accept it as a lesson learned as to what's important to you in a relationship.  Accept it as something you'll be able to pick up on sooner next time.

Now, once again, some people bury their issues/flaws intentionally from their partner.  I'm not talking about those situations.  I'm talking about situations in which the relationship doesn't work out
due to differences and one or both parties proceed to try to destroy the other person because they can't handle it accepting it maturely.

I see it time and time again.  It's like get over yourself, don't play small.  Just accept the fact that some people aren't meant to be and be the bigger person in the breakup.  I suppose hurt feelings
play a role in the need to demonize the other.

Anyway, folks that is why dating is called dating and not marrying, except when it is actually marrying Mr./Ms. Wrong.

I do want to include a personal story however.  One time I was going back and forth with the lady I met at my daughter's ice-skating lesson.  We talked a little back and forth and there was a bit of connection.  At some point, I was venting a little about my dad and she started ripping me.  It was just a little griping about his being difficult, not blaming him for all my life's ills.  Somehow that rubbed her wrong and I am thinking to myself, you know I'm still the same person as I was a couple weeks ago.  Long story short, she decided she didn't want me in her life.  I was pretty well coming to that conclusion as well, but was just going to let it drift naturally.  In other words, be dignified.  So, she texted me and said I don't think we should continue talking.  Which would have been fine if left at that.  However, she proceeded to criticize me.  I'm like I didn't ask your take, opinion or advice and I haven't told you what to think.  Now, I can take constructive criticism, but not that which is used as a pretense to shut me out and make yourself feel better about tossing me aside, especially when I've been nothing but nice to you.

Anyway, she was like 'blah, blah, blah'  and finished it up by saying have a blessed day--acting all pious.  This happened back and forth for a little bit.   Like I said, I told her "I don't remember requesting/requiring your opinion."  Apparently she didn't like that and was like 'blah blah blah'.  I finally got irritated and said, "Are you finished now, so I can get back to what I was doing?"  That shut her up.  I was never prouder of myself.  I basically told her in no uncertain terms, I didn't need her and that she'd be doing a favor by leaving me alone.  I didn't attack her, but I essentially told her that she has no right trying to take me down to make herself feel better.  Like I said I am open to criticism, but not that which is used to try to make you feel better about yourself.

I guess the takeaway is this if you are in a relationship and it doesn't work out and the person hasn't changed or hasn't gone out of the way to hide who they really are, then there is no shame in just ending it and saying, "We weren't right for each other".  There is no shame in admitting that maybe I didn't see these characteristics I don't like, but that doesn't make him/her a bad person, nor does it make me a fool.  In such a situation, where the shame comes in when you have to attempt to destroy or undermine the other person to sooth your hurt ego.

Anyway, I love my beautiful now-wife & she is flawless, haha.  No, what I love is her soul & I know she like the rest of the world doesn't have to be perfect, I love and accept her for who she is.  That's where the women in the audience say, "Awww"


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