First World Level vs. Third World Level: An Alternative View of Traumas

Recently, my old cell phone effectively stopped working.  I immediately looked for and bought a new one, but I was without a working cell phone for the better part of four days.   For most adults and many young people in our society, a cell phone is a virtual 'necessity'.   We've structured our lives around having a portable phone that acts as a tablet, camera, teller, map, etc.  It was an inconvenience of course, but I tried to keep things in perspective.   That is to say, me being without a cell phone for a few days is literally nothing compared to the daily struggle to get the basics and in some cases survive that some have in the third world.  In other words, my problem was a "first world problem".  In the third world, many have little but the clothes on their back and a struggle to have enough food.  So, the idea of being inconvenienced by being without a working cell phone for a short period of time doesn't register as a 'problem'.  Literally, a cell phone is a beyond a luxury for them.  To me, it is a problem as I've structured my life around having one.  To someone who worries literally where their next meal will come, being without a cellphone wouldn't even register.

I've been around people who have had or dealt with kids with severe behavioral issues.  It's seems more often than not there is/are underlying trauma(s) associated with them: child abuse/child sexual abuse, alcoholism/domestic violence, loss of a parent, and so forth.  Obviously, these kids are at risk already.  Then there are some people seem to live a charmed life.  They are raised in an intact nurturing family where their family is not shattered by early deaths.  They seem to do well in school, they have a good job and the 'American' dream.  In short, apparently 'trauma-free'.   As I've gotten older, I've realized that even people who appear to have the 'perfect family' growing up and a good life have will eventually face real traumas, but I digress.

Back to the point at hand. What is a trauma?  According to the the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.  Tramua is:

• noun Serious injury to the body, as from physical violence or an accident.
• noun Severe emotional or mental distress caused by an experience.
• noun An experience that causes severe anxiety or emotional distress, such as rape or combat.
• noun An event or situation that causes great disruption or suffering.

In other words, it can result from something as basic as a friend turning on you or as complex as years of physical and sexual abuse.  It can be caused by a one-time acute event such as rape or a bad car accident or it can be caused by years of gaslighting.  In the worst situations, all of the above type causes could have contributed to it.  In other words, there is no simple one-sized fits all circumstances definition of it and cause of trauma.

Throughout my life, I've heard people discuss their traumas or that of those around them.  It reminds me sometimes of the "when I was growing up" discussion a bit.  In other words, a bit of a pissing contest as it were.  This takes me to the concept of first world vs. third world problems.   People who grow up in a third world society would probably be grateful for some of the conveniences we have such as running water, a good sewer system, reliable power, plentiful food, reliable transportation.  Yet, in the society in which I live, people can feel put out if we have to pour money into repairs on our autos, if we are stuck in traffic for an extended period of time, if our electricity is out for a number of hours, if we are without our cell phones for a few days, etc.  I've always understood this to be first world problems vs. third world problems.  In other words, more existential or severe than annoyances.  Yet at the same time, the 'first world problems' are real and can cause hardships.

Back to the point at hand, people in their lives have trauma's.  They can break a bone, can have a friendship end suddenly, can fail a course or at worst can have an elderly relative pass away.   Those things matter and should not be dismissed or minimized to nothing.  However, these are 'typical' traumas that everyone has to face anywhere in the world.  They all matter and they all wound us at least a little, but just like a first world problems are an inconvenience, "first world traumas" are less likely to cause long-term physical and/or psychological damage.  In other words, these type issues aren't as likely to be long term disabling ('existential') traumas. In short, these are traumas of lesser magnitude.

A young kid can have a parent die abruptly or see a parent repeatedly subjected to domestic violence, a women (or man) can be subjected to a brutal physical or sexual attack or long term sexual trauma, a person can get permanently injured or disfigured in an accident.or something of this magnitude.  I call those 'third world level' traumas.  These are traumas of serious magnitude.  Just like 'third world problems' tend to be existential problems, 'third world level' traumas are traumas that are likely to cause significant long-term physical and/or psychological damage.  That is to say, these are traumas of a greater magnitude and sometimes existential.

When we discuss 'first world', we think of less harsh than 'third world'.  I felt by comparing traumas like this, it could help give some perspective.


I guess my overall point is this:

• All traumas, big or small, are worthy of attention, whether it be to the friendly ear of a favorite parent/sibling/friend, whether it be in the office of a grief or trauma counselor or somewhere in between.  God hears all prayers, big or small.  If He can do so, perhaps we can offer the same to those around us.
• Some traumas while hurtful are relatively 'easy' to recover from.  In a number of weeks you can fix a broken bone.   This to me is an example of 'first world' level or magnitude trauma, for example.
• Some traumas are so profound that they defy easy recovery.  A soldier subjected to life and death surrounding him, especially for an extended him may not just be easily able to come home and resume his/her 'normal life'.  A kid subjected to physical or sexual abuse may take year to unwind and process it all.  This to me is a 'third world' or extreme level or magnitude trauma.
• We need to understand and appreciate the traumas people have had to face, but keep them in perspective.  That's to say not dismiss what we consider small traumas, but realize that not all should be dealt with the same amount of care.

We can measure problems in our life by comparing them to those who are less fortunate in many places.  This doesn't discount our problems, but it can give us some perspective.  Comparing will not make our problems go away, it can allow us to appreciate that while things are rough, they could be much worse.  Similarly, I believe we can measure traumas in our life by comparing to others who have gone through worse.   Comparing will not make our 'lesser' traumas insignificant, but it can allow us some perspective to realize that they aren't the end of the world, just maybe a bit rough.

Just some thoughts going into the New Year.

Happy New Year 2020

- Rich

Loneliness is such a sad affair

It's amazing, we live in cities with tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands or millions of people, yet we somehow find a way to be lonely.  I'm not necessarily saying lonely all the time, but you know we all have our moments.  For some people, the moments are occasional, but for others the moments are lasting and seemingly without end.

The anniversary of my marriage was the other day.  We were pretty low key about it.  It's not that we didn't consider it important, but we consider it a step in a lifelong process. In my first marriage, we focused too much on reaching and celebrating the milestones and not enough time on the health of the relationship.  So, for me, I look forward to us working together and letting the milestones come naturally and then taking time to celebrate them rather than making a production of reaching and planning them.   We've had many really good moments in which it all seems to click, but we've also had growing pains.  Unfortunately, blended families rarely work as smoothly as The Brady Bunch.  There is a period of time it takes for everyone to get know and trust each other  Anyway, our schedules do not always permit us to spend us much time as we'd like getting to know each other and/or discussing what we need to.  Any married couple with two working parents, I'm sure can relate.  This leads to moments of loneliness in which we feel the other can't always be there for our daily life challenges, concerns or triumphs.  So, it is our goal in the next year to find enough or make enough 'us' time to help with that.

This all got me to thinking about loneliness.  I believe everyone has times of loneliness in which they realize it is just them and their Higher Power (God).  For example, my wife is aware of and empathizes with my current neck injury and I her knee injury, but neither of us has experienced the specific injury problem/level of the other.  Therefore, there is a certain amount of loneliness we have in dealing with our injuries.  I imagine when a spouse has cancer it is sort of like that too.  You support him or her as much as you can, but ultimately, they have to be the one who battles it.


--


So, how would I classify the types of loneliness.  Based on what I've experienced, on what I've seen in others and on what I can surmise, here is a breakdown of loneliness.


Relational

• Where you miss the closeness of family.  The following are circumstances that could lead to familial loneliness. 
• Your family of origin is not very close-knit.  For whatever reasons the bonds you see in 'perfect' families never fully took, stuck or were available.  
• You never really knew your family--this can either be immediate family (such as a missing parent) or extended family (such as aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents).
• You knew them but for whatever reason or dysfunction there was a lack of closeness.
• You family of origin is scattered or busy.  Getting together can be an undertaking in some circumstances.
• Your family of origin has been decimated.  As we get older we lose those who have been a fixture of our family.  This can secondarily lead to a breakdown of remaining family.  Unfortunately, for me, this type of circumstance has hit close to home.
• Where you miss the closeness of friends.  The following are circumstances that could lead to this type of loneliness.
• You have few if any friends.  
• No man is an island.  We all need to be part of a bigger gang.
• People are generally social creatures and best thrive when surrounded by friends.
• You have few close friends
• You may have a lot of acquaintances, people you see at work, church or wherever.
• However, at the end of the day, you may not really have much of anyone to be able to call on.  To me that is the definition of closeness.
• You have close friends, but they are often unavailable.
• They have a busy schedule and it is hard to find time with them.
• You are separated by significant distance and it is hard to get together easily with them.
• Where you miss the closeness of a romantic relationship/marriage family.  The following are circumstances that could lead to relational loneliness
• You are single and unattached.  While being single has its perks, one of the drawbacks is not having someone to curl up with and hear "I love you".
• You have a relationship/marriage which is by strife and disconnect.  Relationships on balance are meant to be a safe place for us.  One where we can share our joys, fears and all other feelings in between.  When this is limited or nonexistent in a relationship, it can feel vary isolated.  Isolation of course can lead to the disintegration of a relationship.

Existential 

• Where you wonder about your role.
• Sometimes we might seem like we are just another cog in the wheel at our job.
• Sometimes we wonder if we were not present, would anyone care that much.
• Sometimes in our group (friends/family/etc), we can be just another voice and not necessarily feel like an important one.
• Sometimes we might wonder about our role in the cosmic scheme.  That is do we matter to or in our Higher Power's universe (God).
• Where you wonder about your impact.
• Sometimes we wonder if we are making a positive difference in the lives of others.
• Sometimes we wonder if we are raising our children in the best way.  That is are we being the best leader.
• Sometimes we wonder if we are doing anything significant in the world are or we just replaceable?
• Where you wonder about your legacy.
• Sometimes we wonder if we were gone if we'd be forgotten or missed that much.
• Sometimes we wonder if after we are long gone will there be any sign that we mattered.
• Lasting impact in the lives of others--lives that we positively changed.
• A 'monument' to what we left behind.  It could be things we built or created, ideas/concepts/writings that we shared, a marker that we mattered somewhere.
• Where you wonder about your eternal destiny.
• We think about this during our lives, but we might consider it more as our health starts to deteriorate.
• We might wonder if we be 'punished' or 'rewarded' for the life we lived and the ideal we tried to follow.
• We might wonder if we will see those we lost along the way.
• We might wonder if we will even have any sense of self or awareness after the final curtain has gone down.
• We might wonder if there is any real existence after this life has passed.  (All we are is dust in the wind?)

--


As I indicated previously, I believe that everyone experiences loneliness of a sort at some time or another in their life.  I think it's unavoidable and can even be beneficial in that it can help clarify who or what really matters in our life.  As social creatures if we feel too much loneliness, I believe we have a tendency to try to assuage it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, I believe we have to keep a few questions in mind when trying to lessen or assuage loneliness.

• Is the amount of 'loneliness' we feel reasonable to expect or feel, especially relative to our situation?  
• Is it excessive and indicates a mental health issue?
• Is it excessive and indicates a need to interact or connect more with others?
• Are we spending too much time, effort and trouble trying to 'remedy' it and not enough effort accepting it as 'part of life'.
• We can recognize some loneliness is okay and doesn't need to be 'cured'.
• We can recognize our efforts to 'cure' our loneliness may be way out of wack with the extent of loneliness we are feeling.
• Just because we are feeling kind of lonely doesn't mean we have to go out every night looking for others to 'cure' it.
• Are we mistaking the type(s) of loneliness we are feeling?
• If we feel too much existential loneliness, trying to deal with or 'cure' it with a relationship is probably a mistake.
• Family/friends can support us, but they can't be our reason for being or our crutch to avoid dealing with existential loneliness.
• If we focus on using relationships to solve our existential loneliness, we may end up with too many, too new, too involved, too entangled or some other unhealthy relationship issue.  Ultimately, while others can help support us and help us walk through life, it is up to our and our Higher Power to work out the existential questions.
• If we feel too much relational loneliness, trying to 'cure' it with an 'existential' solution is likely a mistake.
• While it is important for us to feel like and be driven by a purpose in life, a purpose will not replace the benefits of healthy relationships with others.
• While it is important to focus on our purpose, we can't necessarily focus on a purpose 24/7/365.  Even if we throw our lives into a purpose, there will be downtimes in which it will be hard to relational loneliness.
• Like resentment, we can only ignore or suppress relational loneliness for so long before it blows up in our face.
• We will search for an outlet to 'fix' it and it may not be a very healthy one.
• Our purpose may very well suffer if it has to compete with too much relational loneliness.

I guess my takeaway on the matter of loneliness would ultimately be this:

• Some loneliness is okay and even expected.  It can also be a positive driver for change.
• It is important to know when work on changing it and when to learn to accept it (serenity).
• It is important to recognize the type and degree of loneliness you are facing so you can address it the proper way.
• At the end of the day, after we strip it all away, it is between us and our Higher Power, but we are given the gift of family and friends just as Adam was in Genesis to support us in life.

Loneliness can be such a sad affair, but like much else in life it is how you choose to deal or cope with it when it is present that can help determine just how sad it is.

This is one of the most hauntingly sad songs that I've heard.  Knowing how she lived and died and how alone she must have felt as she struggled with anorexia