Making a Better Chili: Adding an ingredient, not replacing the chili.

In talking to a family member recently, I was reminded of something.  A good while back, I was talking to that family member who felt like I was giving them the short shrift.  The family member felt like I was putting my own life needs ahead of attention to family.  I tried explaining that if I was in a good/better place with my own life balance/piece of mind, then I would be able to find more and/or better time for them.   As you might imagine by the tone of this post so far, they didn't understand where I was coming from.

It became clear to me that that the person felt like I was shutting them out to focus on my own life to the relative exclusion of them.  It never really occurred to me that way.  The way it occurred to me is I felt my life balance was near where it should be, then I'd be more energized.  Imagine the commercial for the Energizer Bunny compared to other toy bunnies fueled by another battery.   The Energizer Bunny has limitless energy to anything and to go anywhere, while the other bunnies slowly wind down and eventually lose their energy to do anything.  The person in question felt like they were being ignored, but instead of ignoring them, I was working to make sure my life balance was in the proper order.  This would give me better energy, just like the Energizer batteries gave the bunny more stamina.  So, it struck me, how do I explain this in a way that effectively conveys it and I came up with an answer.

I like to cook chili.  IMHO, a good chili mixes multiple ingredients: black beans, chili beans, diced tomatoes or stewed tomatoes, etc.--I won't give away all my ingredients.  Anyway, you can create something and call it chili and as a practical matter it can be deemed to be chili.  But, if it is missing an important ingredient or two it can come off as very bland and could be less nourishing.  Yes, you can eat it and it will fill you, but it won't be very satisfying, nourishing, nor will you want to go back for seconds.   Add the right ingredient or two and the formerly bland unsatisfying chili will be the popular.   The chili will be filling and satisfying and have your audience rushing for extra helpings.  Think of chili as a metaphor for life balance. Anyway, below are examples of possible 'missing' ingredients in life balance.  

A few examples:

• If you are struggling with getting along or quality time with your family of origin, then it can tend to bleed onto other aspects of your life--marriage, job, relationship with your own kids (their relatives).

• If you are struggling with your job, you may tend to feel defeated and that can spill into other parts of your life, especially if there are any other parts feeling unsettled.

• If you are struggling with friendships (or lacking them or not having good healthy ones), it can sour your mood at home, on the job or elsewhere.

• If you are struggling with money, it can keep you on edge, especially when money is required, talked about or compared.  This cause you to focus too much on money to the exclusion of other important aspects of your life and/or cause you to be short in dealing with others in your life.

• If you don't have a good home life, that's a huge foundational crack that can affect the foundation of all parts of your life.

In each case above, your life balance (chili) is missing an ingredient (healthy family or origin, work, friendships, money, marriage/relationship family, ...).  Yes, you might have what you can call chili and it might be enough to sustain you, but it won't be a chili that is satisfying, keeps you coming back for more or gives you the energy to power you through the rest of the day.  The more ingredients that are missing, the less nourishing or satisfying the chili is.  At some point, the chili may not even be tolerable and you just eat it to be able to simply survive.

Anyway, when I explained to the family member in question, I think they got a better handle on what I was saying.  I wasn't trying to short shrift them.  I was trying to make sure I had a good life balance such I would be more energized (getting what I need accomplished more quickly/effectively CREATING more time).  This would also help the time I would set aside for them to be quality time, not time focused on any missing ingredients.  In other word, I wasn't trying to replace them like replacing a chili for a burger.  Instead I was trying to improve my life balance, by adding the proper ingredients in my life.  Just like trying to make a better chili. 

So, with the fall quickly approaching and the peak chili season gradually approaching, consider your  life balance like chili.  Does your chili have the right ingredients and are they quality ingredients?  If not, can you get the missing ingredients?  Can you make sure all the ingredients work together rather than having new ingredient seemingly replacing another?  If so, you are on your way to making a good chili (life balance) suitable to be seen in a 'cookoff'. 

Thanks for reading,

Rich

Addiction/Codependence: Alone and reaching for that bad or missing connection.

In conversations with friends in recovery--where addiction/codependence is present--I've noticed a common theme.  It seems like almost without fail, they have had a poor or non-existent family of origin connection.  

Anyway, to me, it's almost inevitable that addiction/codependence would be more likely to play a huge role in these people's lifes.   I've heard and I believe that people are social creatures.   In our childhood, we need reassurance/nurturing/validation.   I believe that if we miss this early on, people are prone to find this connection in other ways or at least a way to medicate the lack of connection away.

This can lead to a few problems:

• Lack of healthy relationships.  We may not know how to handle a healthy relationships as we have no model to base what one looks like on.  Furthermore, if we are used to unhealthy relationships, we may be prone to think when we see a healthy one, there must be a catch.  This can lead to sabotaging it, as it is better to have the certainty of a bad relationship rather than the 'uncertainty' of a good one.

•  Lack of trust of our Higher Power.  If our earthly father whom we can see let's us down, how could we trust our Higher Power whom we can't see.

• Finding an unhealthy significant other or predatory 'friends' 
•  As a friend said to me, "Healthy people, generally don't marry addicts".
• A predator can see or sense an opening where a person is vulnerable and has the ability to adapt their "story" to take advantage of the addict/codependent.

•  Finding something to 'medicate' away the problem.  Drugs, alcohol or illicit 'relationships', e.g.

--

Addictive/codependent behavior or relationships remind me of an artificial sweeter.

• They seem to meet our needs, but like an artificial sweetener they leave a bad aftertaste.
• As we live them long enough, we find that we adapt to the bad or unnatural/uncomfortable taste  to a point that healthy behaviors and relationships (sugar) becomes too rich or sweet.
• The may seem like a decent substitute, but living with them--like baking--tends to produce an inferior final product.

Healthy behaviors or relationships remind me of sugar.

• If indulged properly in our lives, these like sugar will bring us a more rich taste without the biting aftertaste.
• If we indulged properly in our lives, we will be able to tell a difference between the healthy ones and the unhealthy ones.  Just as if we indulge sugar properly, we will be able to tell what is and is not a natural sweetener.
• Properly indulging in a natural sweetener of sugar--just like healthy relations--will yield better results in baking--just like living.

Ultimately, I believe the best connections we have are with the guidance of our Higher Power.  We all may not have the advantage of starting off with the best connections as we all don't get to pick our family of origin.  However. even if we started off in an unhealthy environment which encourages with bad connections , as we grown and mature, we have a choice to hold onto the bad connections or not.  Like clinging to a cocoon, we can cling to our bad connections (and the coping skills)  Else, like a butterfly we can break free of the bad connections or sour to better heights and better connections.

In short, we can either seek the authentic sweetener OR we can settle for the artificial sweeteners.

* This blog was cleaned up and updated for republishing.