Closer to Me: Breaking the deadlock.

I don't know if I stumbled upon it while listening to music on YouTube or if I heard it when I was listening to XM radio in my car, but I heard a song that I hadn't heard in a while: Get Closer by Seals and Croft.   It's funny thing about songs: You can listen to them over and over, over time and like the sound as played and sang by the artists, but not really "hear" them.  I found that to be the case the case with this song.

This song is a little melancholy.  It hear a bit of a pleading.  He's wanting to be close to with his significant other, but he doesn't seem to be able to do at the current time.  It's like he needs some give from her.   It's like they are in a rut and he can't put himself out there for her until he knows it is 'safe' for him too.  Below is some of the lyrics.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to love, love only you, then love only me.

Darlin' if you want me to see, see only you, then see only me.

There's a line, I can't cross over. It's no good for me and it's no good for you.

And there's a feelin', deep down inside me. I can't explain it and you're wondering why.

You say we've been like strangers, but I'm not the others you can wrap 'round your fingers.

There's a time, I when I would come runnin'. I'd drop everything for the touch of your hand in mine.

...

...

...

It seems like people hit that point in various relationships--friendship, family, couple relationships, etc.   People hit a rut or a point which they are stuck and can't seem to get past.   Sometimes that ends the relationship and sometimes it keeps it from growing or deepening.  

Why do we get to that point?

•  We let our fears get in the ways
• Sometimes this is justified.
• You've been hurt.  
•  Mistreated or subjected to abusive behavior.
•  By the involvement of another.  Pretty self-explanatory.
• You've been gossiped about or undercut.
• It could be involving someone else in the family or a friend in the circumstance.
• It could be by minimizing or shutting down the other or not taking their opinions, thoughts or concerns seriously.  It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but sometimes it is a sense of being heard.
• Sometimes it is not justified.
• You've been hurt by another close to you and instead of treating each person invidually, you find yourself 'fighting the last battle'.
• You are so concerned that if you don't intervene, that a problem or concern won't be addressed properly.  Once again, if you've been let down by another who failed to live up to their role or part, it can be easy to 'take control' and not want to risk that happening again as an example.
•  We let our resentments get in the way.
• If we've feel like our concerns have not been addressed or not been taken as seriously as they should be, we can just stop engaging them and resent them sometimes outwardly. 
• If we've been hurt or let down by another, we can get stuck in cycle where we focus more on the unresolved issue or the thought that the issue will show up again than how to move forward.
•  We let our pride get in the way.
• I believe what we see portray as fear or resentment, really could as much hurt pride as anything.
• If we've put ourselves out there with another and been disappointed, let down or hurt, our pride can tell us 'I deserve better'.  Sometimes that may be true, but often times it fails to take into account our role in the circumstance.  I addressed this in It's just you and me and we just disagree... 
• Sometimes it is easier to keep an "arm's length distance" from another than to put away our pride or to risk further injury to it.

So, I've talked about the causes, but what about the solution?   I don't claim to have all the answers, but I do have a few ideas.

Where there is a deadlock in a relationship:

• Set down your weapons. 
• It's hard to expect another to feel like it's safe to engage if they have the sense that engaging will lead to conflict or dissent.  
• Sometime we just have to acknowledge to the other that you are a 'safe space' for them.  This is as true when dealing with kids as other adults.  
• If you 'set down your weapons', they are more likely to do the same. 
• Show a little give or be willing to offer a lifeline.
• If someone feels like all the effort to resolve the impasse is coming from them, eventually they will tire of it and it probably won't end well.
•  If someone is struggling to find footing with you and you offer them only folded arms and not a helping hand, it's a bit difficult for them to want to engage you.  Why would engaging with another and risk falling on your face when dealing with another, when you have a choice.
• Failure to do so can come across as lack of empathy or contempt.  I think this is probably common in co-parenting relationships.  You have to deal with another when you don't necessarily want to.
• Doing so could help them to feel at least a bit of a friendly connection.
• Agree to disagree
• Sometimes, you just have to decide you'll never agree on a certain issue.  You have to decide if it is a "hill on which you die" or if it is something you set aside out of respect for the larger relationship.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, have not had enough time really consider the issue.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, are amendable to the other's point of view, but they have to 'grow into' at least accepting that point of view.

I don't claim to have all the answers and sometimes what I write are ideals that I am not perfect in implementing.  However, I at least hope to give others food for thought.  Please take from my blog post whatever you might find useful and/or what may apply.

Thanks for reading,

Rich 

The reflection across the pond: Hello from the Other Side

You know sometimes, you are just minding your own business going along with your life and you hear something which you may or may not have heard before and it hits you like a ton of bricks.   I've heard the song Hello by Adele before.  I knew it was powerful the first time I heard it. I knew she was saying something profound and there was regret imbued in it.   But, I heard it again on a calm and extended drive home from work.  There was no trying to rush into work, no trying to beat traffic, nothing hanging over my head from work or the like.  In other words, I had a pretty clear mind at that point.

So, I hear her song and it seems to be about a relationship and regret.   I've read where she indicate that was it was about being on the other side of childhood including regret about missing things from earlier in her life.   But, as I was listening to it, I realized that it really can apply to numerous circumstances or situations.  Dennis DeYoung had a falling out with Styx and he no longer is part of the group, yet I've heard him express time and time again wanting to be part of the mix with them.  He's had a good life overall so far and has had a good marriage, but there seems to be something missing.  For fans of Styx, it really is a tragedy as the band is so much more complete with him.   I can imagine current day Dennis DeYoung talking to his younger self, telling himself to back off and later his bandmates from the future expressing what he'd learned from over time.  I kind of reflected on the situation in Heartache: Wanting the one thing you can't have.

From my life, the lives of others around me and having a front row to society here is a list of those who you can say "Hello from the Other Side" to (not in any particular order)

Hello to
- Your childhood and yourself
- Your friends
- Your family of origin
- Your exes, significant other
- Your children
- Your Higher Power
- Your strangers
- Your teammates
- Your neighbors/community/society


HELLO TO:

• Your Higher Power
• You didn't trust your Higher Power when the opportunities was presented and obvious.
• You didn't listen to your Higher Power when you were being 'spoken' too.
• You didn't value your Higher Power's role in your life. 
• You blamed your Higher Power instead of understanding that your Higher Power is not there to save you from every possible bad outcome or circumstance.
• You treated your Higher Power as if your Higher Power's purpose was to serve you rather than to guide as deemed best.
• You may have cared about your Higher Power, but didn't necessarily love or showed that you did.
• Your neighbors/community/society
• You treated them as if they were there just to serve you rather than you being a contributor.
• You treated them as if you didn't have to follow the rules or etiquette. That is to say you thought that 'rules are for others'.
• You didn't accept or appreciate your role in the neighborhood/community/society.
• Your strangers
• Kind of like society, but on a more individual level.
• You were abusive and took advantage of others expecting you wouldn't face consequences or have to interact with them.
• You didn't extend a hand of kindness or friendship when you could have, but instead looked out for your own needs.
• Your teammates
• This could apply to whatever team you are part of (band, sports, etc.)
• You didn't take your role as part of the team seriously.  You were more interested in how your needs were or weren't being met.
• You didn't appreciate how your teammates were looking out for you and had your back even when you didn't necessarily 'earn' or 'deserve' it.
• You weren't there for your team the way or time needed: Especially when they needed you the most.
• Your childhood and self.
• You were so critical on yourself. 
• You judged yourself against a higher standard than you were capable of.  
• You acknowledged the barriers you faced (at least rhetorically), but your actions showed that you treated them as well you should have been able to hurdle them anyway, no matter how high they were.   You acted like you should have been able to deal with anything and everything as if you had an adult's understanding and maturity.
• You blamed yourself for things that were beyond your control.   When you were hurt, you blamed yourself for allowing it.  You were imperfect and condemned yourself.
• Your friends, exes and significant other
• You took them for granted and didn't value them properly.  You expected them to always be there.  Even sometimes ignoring warning signs.
• You expected more from them than they were capable of and got upset when they, like you, proved to be human too.
• You didn't always hold up your end of the relationship and sometimes seemed more concerned about what you could get out of it.
• You didn't bring them in, when you could have or should have.
• Your family of origin
• You weren't always the best brother, sisters, son, daughter, or other 'family' that you could have been.
• You took others in the family for granted, because honestly, well they would always be family.  In other words, you have to accept me because I'm your family.
• You were too worried about your own 'needs' and didn't take the time to discover, to embrace, to cherish or to even just be part of your family.
• Your children
• You treated them like they were a mistake
• You treated them is if they were there to be seen only.
• You treated them as if their needs were not serious as only 'grown up' needs matter.
• You didn't take the time to get to know them.
• You treated them as if they were there to reflect well on you and not as if how they felt mattered.
• You were abusive to them and not understanding.

It can be easy to acknowledge on a surface level failures, mistakes and hurts (to you and from you), but really acknowledging your role can be difficult, especially when you aren't necessarily the only culpable party involved, you've been hurt too and life circumstances have led to distrust of others.  My dad made some mistakes as a person and a parent and found it exceedingly difficult to directly acknowledge them or to open up about himself or give background of any sort.  I know he grew up mostly in foster care, was let down by many, had super strict (possibly to the point of abusive) foster parents, probably was judged vary harshly including by himself and just found it hard to trust others.  I've had my own abuse as spoken about in #MeAsWell: For What It's Worth and in being bullied in my adolescence.  I know having to deal with that helps to make you guarded.  Unfortunately part of being guarded means that you don't always acknowledge your role out of distrust how it could be utilized against you.    

To me her song is about realizing, understanding or accepting how the role you have played in the lives of yourself and others.  It is about being willing to really acknowledge and apologize where appropriate for your role in how things have unfolded.  It is about realizing that ultimately that it shouldn't be about you past acknowledging your role.  It is a clear reflection and expression of remorse, regret and sorrow where appropriate.  Sometimes, frankly regarding the time that we are reflecting back on, we think we are doing the right thing(s) with the right motive(s).  Sometimes, you are acting with the best of intentions too.  Sometimes, in reflection, it is clear that we were wrong and that we couldn't have known.  Sometimes, in reflection, we should have known better.  Sometimes, in reflection, we can honestly say we did no better.

While much of this doesn't necessarily apply to my situation, some of it does.   To that extent, to those who I've ever played a negative role in their life (including myself), I'm sorry and I give a big Hello from the other side, realizing my role, failure or mistake.  I hope someone finds these words as meaningful as I have.

Thanks,

Rich

Heartache: Wanting the one thing you can't have

I went to Dennis DeYoung the other day and as I expected, he put on an excellent show.  He talked a bit about his time with Styx and you got the sense that while he likes doing shows, he would rather do a show with his old bandmates.  I had previously read up on the Styx story and found it in a bit sad.  The band had a creative falling out after Mr. Roboto and then got back together for a tour in the 1990s.  However, in 1999, they seem to have a permanent falling out as the band fired DeYoung and replaced him on keyboards and lead vocals.

I've read on many occasions that that DeYoung is open to and expressed a desire to reunite with his old bandmates.  However, I've read on many occasions in which they stated in no uncertain terms that it isn't going to happen.  It's really sad in a way, DeYoung was the biggest creative force behind the band and definitely the voice you'd associated with them.   In short, getting back with the band one more time is the one thing he'd want, the one thing that he'd truly like before his time here has passed, yet it is the one thing he can't have.  Perhaps, others in the band perceived him as too controlling or not committed to them enough.  Not totally sure.   The point is, it sounds like he'd eat his pride and make whatever amends he needed to for just one more chance to be with them as a group.   He is 72 and while he appears to be in good health.  However, at that age, as I know from personal experience with parents, the time to put your affairs in order is significantly shorter than in your 50s or 60s.

I've had moments where I just wanted to talk to my mom or brother just one more time.  I've wanted to share a thought or a memory or a moment with them, but the reality and finality of their death has precluded me from doing so.  Anyone who has lost someone close has probably felt this way.   I think many people have had friends come into and leave their life, with them still longing for the friendship that has escaped them.  The same applies to a love that has been lost or even family members you've fallen out with.  It can be a hard pill to swallow.


How do you deal with the one thing you want but can't have?  I'm not sure, but I do have some ideas.

• You find a way to be grateful for what you do have.  That doesn't mean you forget the thing that which tugs on your heart.  It does that means you don't allow it to dominate.  Instead you focus your positive energy on what you do have instead of treating it like a pale imitation what you used to have.  In other words, treat your current life and relationships that you do have a something other than a consolation prize. 
• I don't see my daughter everyday and I go stretches without seeing her, while I am sad about those points, I can't let them dominate when I do have her.
• You be grateful for that which you had.  When you became so accustomed to lost loved ones or the special person(s) you have in your life and they are no longer available, it can take some time to get to the 'than to never have loved' stage of "it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have had".  But, with time to process, time to mourn, and time to reflect perhaps with some effort you can get to this stage.
• It is still a hard pill for me to mourn losing my brother when he was 43.  It felt like a life of someone so close that hadn't been fulfilled.  Yet, I have to remember the close times we had together and the cool things about him than to get caught up in longing to speak to him again.
• Look for new people and new opportunities to give your time, love and effort to.   You can cry over spilled milk for a while but eventually to move forward sometimes you just have to get a new carton of milk.
• Back in the late 1990s, I had a relationship end that broke my heart.  Time, distance and seeing all sides of the situation--she has a good family and found what she needed and me seeing that I would not have had my daughter if I had been with her (at least in her current form).  But, hindsight is 20/20 and heartache is heartache.  So, I adjusted and moved on and as a result, I am richer the opportunity to know my child.
• My first marriage ended up ultimately being a disappointment and somewhat disillusioned me towards marriage.  Yes, I could have stayed lost in the disillusion of it and I could have been sad to lose time with my daughter forever, but that wouldn't have been healthy.  Instead, I took some time for myself and figured out a few things and eventually started dating again.  Had I stayed in the disillusionment, I would not have had the opportunity to get to know and appreciate my new family.
• You realize that just because it seems hopeless now, what you need may come back either in the similar form or a new form.  In Carly Simon's own words, "I know nothing stays the same, but if you're willing to play the game, it'll be coming around again'.
• Our favorite group splits up, the lead singer takes on a solo project or they replace the lead with a new one--such as with Foreigner and Journey.  It seems like more often than not this is the end of the band as we know it.
• Freddy Mercury took a break from Queen to do solo work in the mid to late 1980s, but they got back together to do a final few albums before his passing at a young age.

Who knows sometimes that which you think is permanently lost may be 'coming around again' as Carly Simon sings, but even if it doesn't, being deliberate about dealing with the heartache and loss can help put you in a position to better move forward.  

--

For what it's worth, I hope Mr. DeYoung gets the opportunity to make peace with and come to terms with his old bandmates.  But, if he doesn't get that opportunity I hope he is at peace with it or is able to find a way to get to peace with it.   Either way, I believe it is okay for him to express sadness or longing for it.   However, he as he is doing now, needs to move forward and understand that it just might not ever be in the cards.

Just some thoughts for the day,
Rich

#MeAsWell: For What It's Worth

I have always had an interest in human nature.  I've always been fascinated in what makes people tick.   For whatever reason, I was a very sensitive kid and am a sensitive adult--which can lead to understanding or being able to read people/situations, but it also can lead to getting hurt more easily.  But, I digress.   I took an interest specifically in human nature as it relates to codependence and addiction as both hit close to home.  I've experienced addiction and/or codependence, from multiple perspectives--firsthand, as a survivor and as an observer.  So, I figured I could understand and intelligently talk about the subject matter.  Maybe a little bit of hubris, but you talk about what you are confident talking about.

Many of my blog posts are insights from watching others and the world around me.   However, some are from personal experiences--a few of which are deeply personal.  Anyway, when I do decide to share insight from (deep) personal experience, I do with it the goal of helping others. I hope they can  use what I share to relate to, identify with or gain knowledge from what a lifetime of experience has taught me.   I am not one who is prone to 'brag' about or verbally vomit my life story on Facebook  or other social media. So, I when I share deeply personal experiences, it is mostly with the hope that it is benefiting others.  Perhaps to a degree, sharing can give me a fuller opportunity to process or even heal a little bit, but I do sincerely hope I can help others.

What I am about to write as you might imagine has weighed on me for a lifetime and I've shared bit and pieces with those closest to me that I trust.  However, I haven't openly shared it for public consumption or even necessarily fully.

So, what are we talking about?  Good question.  I figured one day after my parents were gone, I'd write about my experience as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA).  I mean my experiences at the time and the effect it has had since. This as you might imagine is not an easy subject for me to write.  My intent is not to throw anyone under the bus or to humiliate or shame anyone living or dead.  For this reason, I didn't tell this story publicly until after both of my parents were gone.  Furthermore, there are some details I will leave out.

Why now? 

• My parents are gone.
• I feel it's part of the healing process.
• The #MeToo movement has helped reduce the stigma of sexual abuse.
• I want people to realize or not to forget that #MeToo is not or should not be limited to one type of abuse/circumstance.  It happens across all types of gender and age bounaries.
• Why not, if I can help others relate, understand or become aware of warning signs (before or after abuse), then my unfortunate experiences will not have been in vain.

---

Let's start with what I do know:

• My dad struggled with demons of alcohol and probably abuse too, sexual and otherwise.  I was shocked a few years before he died when discussing the subject with him, he said to me, "Well how do you think I learned?"   Wow.   
• My mom struggled with codependence.  She just had always wanted to be accepted and loved and sometimes was a bit obvious with it.
• My mom was a stay-at-home mom at least until I was a teen.
• My dad was a workaholic and spent a lot of time when he wasn't working drowning his demons with alcohol.  I'm sure there was probably more to the story, but you know, not everything is told.
• My parents raised six kids with my dad being gone a lot and my mom being the one had to deal with six kids.
• Home life was dysfunctional.
• There was not enough money (at least left after demon drowning) to attend to our basic needs such as decent clothing, not to say anything of our wants.
• I was bullied as a child.
• Let's be charitable our house growing up was neglected.
• I remember my dad having girly magazines from as long as I remember.

I will not speak for others in my family who may have suffered abuse as well with the exception of my late brother where he talked a little bit to me about it.  I am not one to gossip, nor is it my right to speculate or write on the subject matter for others.  I speak only for myself.  That being said as you will read, I have reason to suspect that others in the family were harmed.

Against the backdrop of a dysfunction family, parents with their own issues, my emotional needs not being met and being shunned at school, it is easy to see that I was an at-risk youth.   There were two people that I was aware of that sexually abused me as a child.  One I will not speak about directly, but let's just say I was it was an older adolescent whom I looked up to and whom was likely abused himself.   The second one was an adult, a 'church camp counselor'.  Some of my older siblings went to a church camp which my church at that time participated in.  They had met this guy named Rick (and yes that's his actual name).  He's the reason when I am called 'Rick", I cringe and hate it.

I don't know the precise point in time, but from what I can piece together, they had met this guy during the summer after I was 8, though it could have been the one before I was 8.  Anyway, this guy was associate with another church in our area (as I found out later) and somehow had weaseled his way into getting to be a camp counselor for the boys.  Anyway, some of my older siblings had mentioned about this guy and how he seemed like a nice guy and all.  Well, as I would later figure out predators tend to be attuned to at risk kids/families.  Anyway, Rick weaseled his way into my family first through older siblings and then getting the okay to spend time with us by my parents.  It is easy to question, "Where were my parents?" but I realize that this situation occurred long before the 'priest' sexual abuse and similar scandals surfaced.  This was a time in which we could leave our front door unlocked and even open without having to worry about being attacked.   In other words, a simpler world, a world in which having a having an adult male mentor aka Big Brother, especially one who professed to have good Christian values was seen as a unmitigated positive. 

So, Rick came to spend time with us, really he seemed to take special interest in the boys in my family and pretty well ignored the girls.  Perhaps should have been red flag number one, I don't know.  So, my dad worked a lot and had issues with the bottle and all that came with it.  My mom had her hands full with six kids. So, having someone to help was probably considered a blessing.  From my perspective as a kid, I was getting picked on at school, I felt shunned because I presented as poor and coming from a family with issues, I had few friends, didn't get the good dad time and felt like I couldn't bring anyone over do to a neglected house.  So, to me, I was grateful to have an adult willing to listen to me, who seemed to understand me and seemed to like me and be nice.

  Anyway, I don't know when it started, but I would guess between 8 and 9, he started grooming me.  I don't remember the sequence of events exactly, but if I had to guess based on my knowledge of what grooming is, he probably first talked to me and made me feel important, touched me on my shoulder or something 'harmless', rubbed my back, or eventually reached my privates--I'm still disgusted by saying this.  Let's just say, he probably 'got something out of it' if you know what I mean.  This happened at my parents house and and at a later point, why he was gracious enough to invite me over to his place.  I remember this continued until some time after puberty.  Some kids get sex education or spoken knowledge from their parents, some get it from a film at school, unfortunately, I was treated with this education first hand with a predator.  To this day, I am still humiliated by this.  Let's just say there is a word that people use to discuss 'sexual self-love' and he involved me in that and showed me things.  To this day, I cringe at the word and idea.  I don't know what if anything else more invasive happened than what I have mentioned.  Near the end of his time in my life, three things of note happened:

• My late older brother Bill, God rest his soul, was treating Rick like a jerk (at least that's what I thought at the time).  I understood later and Bill told me later he was putting it all together and that he was upset because he wasn't sure what all Rick had done to him.  In hindsight, Bill was protecting us and I suspect his intervention helped lead to Rick backing out of the picture.
• In the process of a call with Rick one time, he said more or less that he could called Child Protective Services (or whatever it was called then) on my parents and have us kids removed from our parents.  I don't remember him saying to hush about what had happened, but that would be the implication.  Obviously, I know now that a man preying on children probably wouldn't want to draw attention to himself that way, but back then it was a threat that I didn't understand.  Why was Rick saying that? 
• When I was a freshman in high school I got a call from a 'long lost friend'.  His call was about as welcome as wetting the bed a couple years after I thought it ended.  Maybe that was a reason I had a problem with bedwetting, who know?  Anyway. I handed over the phone to a sibling and said, "Could you deal with this?"  That was the last time I heard from him.

The incidents with the older adolescent stopped when I was 17.   They seem to start around near the time that Rick had weaseled my life and were similar in level.  Let's just say, when I was 17, I was sleeping one time and came to find myself starting to be used a certain way that has the initials for Billy Joel.  I was too intimidated to stand up for myself and pretended to be asleep.  That was the last time I was taken advantage of, and definitely by a guy.

I will leave it at that.  I wasn't 'prison raped' to the best of my knowledge, but obviously just short of that.

--

I told my story above, as much as it made me cringe, because I felt it was time. Over time I've put it together and realize the long-term impact it has had.  So, it is time to share that from my perspective.  In no particular order:

1. I was sexualized very early.  I didn't have the luxury of normal self-discovery, but it was forced on me.   As you might imagine this led to problems in my teens and into my adulthood.  It has led to unhealthy relationships and mistakes in and out of relationships.  It has led to an excess focus in my life upon sexuality.
2. I got approval when as a kid, "I allowed myself to be used".   For a long time I saw myself as allowing sexual misconduct. In other word, Rich if you had been stronger, you would have put a stop to it.  But, they don't call it the 'age of consent' for no reason.  Kids, especially, but not limited to preteens are not expected to have the wisdom, judgment or power (physical or emotional) to make those kind of determinations or be able to be able fight back against those who would take advantage of them.
3. My sense of my orientation was messed up.  I think to some degree over the years, this has probably led me to 'prove' myself.  After all, I didn't 'stop' same sex predators from taking advantage of me, so maybe I was 'okay' with it.  I'm not here to judge or condemn others for their orientation or lifestyle, so don't get my wrong. However, a kid shouldn't have those issues thrown in their face, especially without consent.   However, I realize now that my questions about my own orientation were totally unfounded. 
4. I was concerned that perhaps I'd could turn into into that which I fell victim to.  I think there is a tendency (or at least there was) for people to presume that childhood sexual abuse survivor (CSA) will be at high risk of becoming a perpetrator themselves.   I was oversexualized very early and a teenager and probably gave off those vibes in spades.  I felt dirty, naughty, 'perverted', etc.  I realized when I was in my early to mid 20s and was around kids, especially my young niece, and felt nothing but love and wanting to protect her, that my fears  were totally unfounded.  If anything, I came to realize what happened to me made me more likely to a) never want a kid to be harmed, b) be aware of what harms kids, and c) never want to be remotely perceived as being anything but appropriate.  When I was dating someone and she told her mom about what happened to me.  She expressed that her mom was concerned that kids who are abused turn out to be abusers.  I felt victimized again.  Not only was I abused as a child but I was portrayed as a potential predator that way.   It felt like a huge slap in my face and disregard for what I'd learned from being a survivor of CSA.
5. Major, major, major, I can't stress how much I mean major distrust of people, especially males.  I was 'taught' at an early age that people act like they like you, but end up only liking you for what you can do for them or what they can 'get' from you.  Getting bullied as a kid and having an 'old school', deal with it, often insensitive male role model didn't help. However, from what I know now, my dad was only following the example he was set (and probably was abused himself).  Anyway to this day, if I sense a male is seriously trying to take advantage of me in any way or trying to negatively affect my life, I get POed.  I can accept and forgive a lot.  Even if they would never be able to find out that I  privately forgave them, I forgave those whom hurt me sexually as a I child.  However, my biggest pet peeve is arrogance, especially from a male, when it is utilized to 'get something' or take advantage of myself or my loved ones.  That's a hard thing for me to swallow.  I'd hate to be a future boyfriend of my daughter who thinks I will tolerate that for a moment.
6. I find it hard to give up control--including affection.  Unfortunately for my wife, I cringe often when she gives me a friendly rub on the arm or something like that.  The loss of control in such a personal area of one's life as a kid, can fuel a need to 'control' that area in later life.  That's a hard thing to fully recover from.  It is second nature her to show positive attention that way and unfortunately, sometime I have to remind her that that can be uncomfortable for me. 
7. My self-blame for what was done to me, unfortunately made me susceptible to always blaming myself for my failures (or what I saw as my failures).  It's proper to take blame for a failures when they actually are things you really shouldn't have done or for those things which you really should have been more cautious about.  But, beating yourself up for being too different personality-wise than someone your dating, for example, is a sign of being way too critical of yourself.
8. Generalized anxiety disorder.  Anyway, who has this knows this can at times be debilitating.  I used to have occasional panic attacks as late teen/early adult.  Confidence and experience have led to me being able to overcome those, but not the generalized anxiety.

Some of these things, I put to rest, like questions about orientation or the risk of me becoming like those hurt me.  Other things I have made progress with including self-blame. But, some things like giving up control, I still struggle with.

I guess the takeaway I have to give from my own CSA survivor experience and to some degree from that of others that I have known:

Beware of the signs of a predator:

• If a grownup takes what feels like an inordinate amount of interest in your kids, beware.  I'm not talking about someone who loves kids.  I'm talking about someone who tries TOO hard to relate to them and seems TOO eager to try to gain their acceptance.  That could be a huge red flag.  I believe this is usually a you'll know it when you see it sort of thing.  In other words, don't accuse in your mind anyone who gives kids positive attention, but if it seems way off, there is a good chance that it is.  While, it is important not to make accusations or suggestions lightly, it is also important not to dismiss them because 'it couldn't happen' or 'he or she isn't the type'.
• If someone, especially a grown-up seems too willing to be too affectionate with them, beware.  I'm not talking about a pat on the head or a quick warm hug.  I'm talking about more drawn out and more methodical or more blatantly obvious affection.  Once again, this is an area in which it is important not to make accusations or suggestions lightly or blow affection out of proportion--especially when the giver is a close relative.   However, it is just as important not to automatically dismiss out of hand either.  A parent or caregiver who is open-minded, I believe can usually differentiate on what is 'too much affection' as given by another towards their kid.
• If someone, especially, a grownup seems to want to spend too much time with them, especially alone time, beware.  This can be true for those whom they are related too (formally or not), but it can also be true with a relative stranger as well.  I remember in my own situation, Rick, when he was in his 'predator zone', would tend to only want one of us immediately around.  I didn't put it together at the time, but it makes sense now.

Be aware of the signs of CSA.

• A kid is unnaturally inappropriate.  I'm not talking goofy giggly talk of preteens of silly immature talk of kids hitting puberty or locker room talk of boys wanting to fit in.  I'm talking where you sense a child is way too focused on sexuality.   This doesn't mean automatically they have been sexualized early, but it can be a HUGE red flag. 
• If a kid shuts down or their behavior suddenly changes.  In other words, they seem to be in protective mode or they seem darker in personality than usual.  This can include their seeming complete disinterest or even distaste for dating.
• A kid spends too much time trying to be private or trying to keep everything private from parents and others.  Kids need their space to figure themselves out and they need their space to develop healthy relationships.  However, CSA can cause kids to become more curious at an early age.  A huge boundary has been crossed with CSA and therefore, crossing other boundaries such as porn and early sexual involvement with other kids probably isn't as taboo for them that it should be.  They know it's 'taboo', but they also have been taught on some level that boundaries are flexible anyway.  To get over this conflict, kids they can resort to hiding their 'taboo' behavior.  A sign of this can be an excessive need for privacy and to 'hide' their behavior from parents.

Be aware of the long-term affects

• Distrust of others, especially of, but not necessarily limited to those in authority.  After all, CSA is usually, but not always perpetrated by an authority figure who should have been trustworthy.
• Sexual dysfunction.   Either too sexual or completely closed off sexually.
• Relationship problems including mistaking sex for love.  After a CSA survivor was 'taught' that positive attention that way means that they are loved or appreciated.
• Disregard for consequences of their actions at times.  This can include legal consequences, but I'm not specifically meaning that.  The concept is a huge barrier was blown through early on, often without consequences for the one(s) who did it.  This can send a message that barriers are a speed limit sign.  That is something should be followed, but which is largely ignored by many, if not most people.  After all, their own boundaries have not been respected, so what do boundaries matter anyway  In my own life, it took getting older, having a child and my brother Bill's suicide to bring me to maturity in some ways. 
• Long-term anxiety (if not dealt with early).
• Self-doubt.  Why did I allow this to happen.

The best thing we can do as parents is to be engaged with our children.  We can't always protect them but at least if we are engaged, we give them a better chance of being protected.  The better we know our kids, the better we can protect them or become aware more quickly if they are in danger or have been harmed.

I hope and pray my story has been helpful to at least a handful of people who may have read this.

Thanks, for spending your team reading part of my life's story and what it taught me.

-- Rich

* Why did I put #MeAsWell?  I think the whole #MeToo thing has been politicized too much and I'm not interested in making a political statement.  I'm not bashing #MeToo as there is so much bravery in #MeToo.  I just wanted to go a different route.

* I picked this song because, while it doesn't speak of CSA, the sense I get with this song is a loss of innocence of a generation.  Obviously, I can relate.

Art of the Apology: Saying sorry without meaning it.

I'm sure anyone who has been on the customer service side of a consumer complaint or the consumer side of a consumer complain has experienced an insincere apology by the business providing the good or service.  That is to say, just about anyone who is well in their adulthood.  I had an instance of this a couple days ago.

 A couple days ago I left a review of my January (2017) car buying experience.  Last time I bought a car was in 2014.   At that time, I was just happy to get a reliable car with any kind of financing (as I had to declare bankruptcy in 2012).  The previous few times my credit was good enough that I knew I could and would get an excellent rate.  Anyway, I'd repaired my credit somewhat since 2012 and I knew I could get a decent, but not eye-popping financing rate.  

So back to the car-buying experience. In January (2017), I had to buy another car abruptly as another driver destroyed my car and left me with a concussion and whiplash.  In any case, when I bought the car soon after the accident, I still was suffering from the effects of a concussion.  Despite this, I had enough clarity to do a pre-qualification to see what my improved circumstance would allow me to get.  Specifically, I new what I could get in terms of amount and rate of financing on a car.  I also researched price.  So, I came into the dealership knowing about what to offer and about what to expect in terms of  financing.  I did the usual haggling on price, took a test drive with the salesperson in back--which I found annoying, but not disqualifying.  Anyway, so I got to a price I could live with on the car.  So, now it was time to determine financing.  So, I get two hits to my credit report while waiting to be brought back to finance the car.  So, I know the finance guy has run it for at least a couple financiers.   So, he comes out and says "good news, we got financing".  I'm thinking 'and what else is new', but held my thought in check.  So, he brings me back and tells me that he ran my credit report twice so not to ding my credit scores too much.  Fine so far.  So, we start chitchatting a little back and forth and I mention that I'm feeling rough and I'm still recovering from a concussion and I'm glad to get this out of the way.  BIG MISTAKE.

Fiance guy proceeds to do the fast-talking "extra warranty packages" presentation.  You know the hard sell.  Now bear in mind I'm recovering from a concussion and he knows it as I told him.  So, he then doesn't mention the interest rate and says which one--warranty package--you want.  I'm wearing down as I still am injured and just want this over.  But, I had the presence of mind, even with a concussion, to remember what type of financing I prequalified for.  So, I look at the rate he chose and observe that it is with FMC (Ford Motor Credit) and it is higher than the range of rates I prequalifed for.  So, I'm getting agitated about said, my prequalification rates were all lower and you said you ran it for another financier.  Well, what do you know, magically out of nowhere another chart appears with the 1.5% lower rate.  So, I'm thinking so you were just going to stick me with the higher rate if I didn't have the presence of mind to realize you were screwing me so you'd get a nice kickback?  I was irritated, but accepted as reasonable the new rate and he continued the hard sell.  He continued this even after I mentioned to him I was getting tired and not feeling well because of my concussion.  Over the next week as my concussion clears up, I proceeded to drop the extra warranty packages that I wouldn't have selected if I was on my game..  However, this was not before the same finance guy tries to shame me into keeping them. 

So, I left a bad review on the dealer's Facebook site.  The customer service guy who responded wrote something to the effect of 

"Thank you Rich, for sharing your experience with us. We value your feedback and appreciate your business. Please know that we are working as a team to improve and we apologize for upsetting you. A great customer experience is our top priority."

I'm thinking, you apologize for upsetting me?  What kind of mumble jumble is that?   So, I wrote back,

"I'd prefer if you apologized for the finance guy's behavior, not for the fact that I was upset. Me being upset isn't the issue, it is the way I was treated. I hate when people say things like I'm sorry "for offending you" as if the 'sin' was being offended and not what was done to you that would have offended you."

So, this interaction gets me to thinking about a blog post and viola this blog post idea occurred.  How do people say I'm sorry without meaning it or actually admitting much if any liability?  Before I conclude with my list, I appreciate that much of the time the people who are doing the 'apology' are effectively doing the bidding for higher ups and often times have little freedom to deviate from a script.  Anyway, without further ado:


SAYING SORRY WITHOUT MEANING IT OR OWNING LIABILITY

• INSULT SORRY
• I'm sorry that you feel that way - This sorry means that even after you've laid out a legitimate case for why the other party is wrong, it is still 'your feeling' and not an actual offense that is the problem. To me this is them saying, "It is you not understanding us that is the problem and perhaps maybe we didn't represent ourselves or convey our position well enough."  It is often effectively a dismissal and delegitimization of your position by making it about "your feelings" and not your valid points.

• FAKE OWNERSHIP OF PROBLEM SORRY
• I'm sorry if we offended you - The authors of this beauty are not taking ownership of a problem AND they are not even acknowledging that you are offended (or have a right to be), much less that you have a valid point.  It pretends to sound like they are owning up to something, without actually owning up to something. 

• FAKE EMPATHY SORRY
• I understand where you are coming from - Depending on the circumstance this can really be condescending.  Sometimes this is a legitimate apology or empathy, but often times it is just words they are suppose to say.   If said without any support, it can just words to try to sound like they care, but not really 'caring' as a business.  This is especially insulting if there is no way they could personally understand and just are trying to humor you without taking an concrete steps to show contrition.
• I got rid of my Cobalt and a couple weeks afterwords, I got notice from GM of a long overdue recall notice.  My car was powering down partially while I was driving.  All indications was that they knew about this problem for years and the fix was relatively minor, but they were trying to avoid having to admit to this fault with the vehicle as it was widespread and could cost millions to replace.  GM rep says to me, I understand where you are coming from.  I said, "Did you drive an unsafe vehicle from GM what would partially power down and which air bags were apt not to deploy properly because of it"?  She said "no" and I said, "Well you don't understand then that your company knowingly put me and my daughter in danger".  Suffice to say I was ticked off.

• POOR US SORRY
• It was beyond our control or "we didn't anticipate" - Sometimes, it really is beyond their control such as weather related delays.  However, often times it is a lack of planning or lack of effective research or understanding of customer demand. This is actually an apology, but an apology with an excuse.  That is to say, "we are sorry, but..."

Now the last "Sorry" in the list I believe comes closest to the mark of sincerity or legitimacy.  However, the real proof of sincerity or legitimacy of an apology comes later.  That is to say, when they've made an effort to either make you whole again or at least not repeat the same problems that put them in a position to have to 'apologize' in the first place.  QT gas stations are one of the best I've seen at this.  For instance, there has been a few times they had a promotion going on with one of their kitchen products.  Anytime they don't supply properly for it and cannot deliver the product, they've tried to get me the closest alternative to it at the promotional price.  On top of that, each time that's happened, they've given me a coupon for a free cold or hot beverage from their fountain area.  Now to me that says they really value me.  Not only do they apologize for their failure in stocking the promotion effectively, they get as close as possible to duplicating the desired product and then on top of that give away something of value to note the inconvenience.  That's the type of less I could not teach any better to my daughter for when you fail someone else. I believe that is the perfect way to end this post.

Cheers,

Rich

Forgiveness: The steps we go through for our own benefit.

As my dad's life draws to a close, I have felt the need to come to terms with what at times has not been the most comfortable or easiest relationship. In some ways, the most difficult relationship of my life. Part of what helps me come to terms with people and circumstances is writing about them.  In other words, allowing my thoughts and feelings see the light of day.  So, over time I have come to some conclusions about forgiveness.  (originally written 3/27/15 - he has since passed away)

About forgiveness:

I've heard it said that forgiveness is not something we do for others, but rather ourselves.   In a way, I see this as true.  This is especially true when the person whom is the object of our forgiveness either doesn't realize that he or she needs to be forgiven or doesn't care about being forgiven.  

We can confront the one who has wronged us and if he/she is ready they might even own up to their offense.  However, there is always a distinct possibility of them them not being recognizing or caring about the wrong they've done to us.  So,what then are we left with at that point: perhaps more resentment.

So, what do we do?  It's believe it's healthiest to forgive them.  I don't mean forgive and accept continued abuse. I mean to forgive them for what they have done and if necessary forgive them for their hurtful tendencies.

I believe the process to forgiveness can be a 4-step process: avoidance, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness  I will elaborate on that:

• Avoidance 
• We might have to pull away from the person who wronged us to prevent further hurt.  
• Alternatively, we might have to pull away to avoid trying the temptation to 'settle the score'.
• Acceptance
• We still get irritated with or by the other person, but we accept that it is time to start trying to forgive our offender. 
• They may not have stopped wronging or trying to wrong us, but we accept at this point that we cannot control them. They may be incapable or unwilling to change, but with avoidance, we've minimized their ability to hurt us.
• This step is characterized by showing outward signs of forgiveness--going through the motions of forgiveness--but not necessarily internally being forgiving.
• This is an important step as it shows we are moving beyond being the victim and worked towards forgiving them.
• Understanding 
• For our peace of mind we are trying to find reasons for why our offender is the way he or she is.  Is it personal or are we just the one in the line of fire?
• This isn't meant to accept or condone their behavior but to understand it better.  That is to say we don't agree with, but understand how our offender could get to the place they are in their thinking or behavior.
• In some cases, we may start to empathize with our offender, depending on what brought them to hurting us.
• Perhaps, he or she had a tough childhood--abuse/neglect/tragedy.
• His or her behavior, while not at all acceptable, may be a coping mechanism.  For example, if he/she did not have any control over rough circumstances during childhood, he/she might exhibit harmful controlling behavior in adulthood as a misplaced defense mechanism.
• In other cases, we may just have to understand that perhaps our offender is wired differently.  Not everyone is wired the same.  We may on some level start to appreciate our offender is just wired differently and doesn't have the capacity to understand how they hurt us nor the capacity to avoid hurting us.  In the worst case, we might be left with understanding that they are (or have become wired to be selfish).  That's not very comforting, but understanding that some people are just that way can at least allow us to move to the forgiveness level.
• Forgiveness
• In this stage, we have pretty well let our anger and resentment go.  That's not to say we don't have 'flare-ups' of anger and resentment, but instead that it doesn't rule us.
• This stage may be characterized by sadness.  Sadness that the relationship in question 'has to be' like it is.
• We may forgive, but that doesn't mean we forget or put ourselves at risk in the situation again.
• It may mean having the person involved--sometimes heavily--in our life.
• It may mean forgiving from afar and for our own sake keeping a safe distance.
• Sometimes forgiveness is expressed directly to the person.  In other cases, it may be implied or unspoken as we no longer showing resentment or anger in their direction.

I will close this by reminding my readers that forgiveness is an age old practice Jesus himself set the bar on this when he said:

...Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.   (Luke 23:24)

 I feel like if He, having committed no sin could do it, then perhaps the rest of us might do well to work on it.

Accepting people for where they are.

As I am revamping my original blog about addiction/codependence, I will add a human nature post now. God blessed me with this enlightenment about an hour before church this past Sunday.

Accepting people for where they are:
So, as a single guy in his 40s dating and with friends who are in their 40s as well, I've come to many an insight. For example, everyone has a different path to where they are in life.
* Some have the clear path straight along the highway on a sunny day. They are very blessed and have seemingly made the 'proper' choices.
* The path of some is the scenic route where they take a few diversions. They mostly make the right choices but they make a few 'mistakes' along the way. In other words, they get to where they need to go, but they make a few 'bad choices'.
* The path of others is the long and winding road. They struggle with some of the basic questions: who am I, what is my purpose. They've made a number of questionable choices along the way. You look back at where they've come from and it is clear that it was almost inevitable that they would struggle.

What I've come to realize is that each person in my life has their own story. They have their own path. The people with the easier path, you don't begrudge them for not understanding. The people with the long and winding path, you don't judge them for where they've been. The people who took the scenic route, you listen to their story and appreciate the diversions they've taken. Really all of them you listen to their story.
God accepts each of us for where we've been so why shouldn't I? I guess the long and short of it is this: I don't care where you've come from, what you have or haven't done. As long as you are here today and treat others around you well, none of it matters. Anyway, that's my thought of the day. Take it for what it's worth. 

* (Now married - as of 3/12/16)

Just the way you are.