Contentment about the Future: We Are Free To Decide For It

Every four years we have an national election for President.  After one particular election, a coworker and I were having a very civil discussion on the election (and the inauguration) that had just past.  If I remember, her choice did not win.  I said, you know after every election, there is a large segment of the population that is not happy.  I said, no matter who wins or loses, we ultimately have go on with our everyday lives in much the same way.  Besides, in another four years, everyone will get a chance to be heard again.  She seemed to appreciate and accept that point.  This election (2020) and the last election (2016) were no different.  In each case, it seems like there is a sizeable segment of the population that feels hopeless, like it's the end of end of world and that life as we know it is over.  Perhaps at some point in the future, election results may signal the 'end of world', but I don't think we are at point yet.

As bad as some feel after a their side faces defeat in a hard fought election, I don't think it can compare to the end of the world hopelessness that many likely felt during WWII.  I expect that sense pervaded Europe in particular and the world in general at the time.  I can't even begin to fathom what prisoners in places like Auschwitz had to face.  Seeing and facing starvation, cruelty, torture and death all around them with seemingly no end in sight is something I think few can relate to  A friend recommend a book to me called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.  In that book the author chronicled his experiences as a concentration camp prisoner and how he identified a purpose in life to feel positive about and then immersed himself in imagining that outcome.  In other words, in a horrible and seemingly hopeless situation, he was able to find a purpose, meaning and hope.  He was saying that even in the worst situation, that we have a certain freedom to decide how we are going to view life. 

I'm not even going to imagine that I can relate to the search for hope, meaning and purpose in such a horrific circumstance.  Yes, I've faced some blows in this life, but nothing quite like that.  But, I have experienced enough to know that survival and even eventual thriving is possible during and after bad circumstances.  Finding Jewels in the Darkness tells my ability to find good at a bad time in my life.  I'd literally lost much of what was (or seemed) important to me--my brother, my house, my job, my marriage, much of the custody of my daughter--in the space of a year.  However, things started to settle down and I was able to find some special moments with my young daughter.  Moments that I would have not likely had or paused to appreciate otherwise.  I was able to strip down life to the basics and figure out what mattered.  Among the things I found was my writing voice, a greater self-respect and the understanding that I could survive serious blows in life.  In other words, I sort of found myself.   Eventually, my finances and job prospect and personal relationships looked up, but I couldn't have necessarily seen that during the height of the storm. 

I'm not going to be Pollyannaish and say everyone does survive life's seemingly harsh blows or that everything turns out fine.  But, to me life is like a journey where picking up "wins" along the way and avoiding "loses" is important, but not nearly as important as the good fight we fought along the way.  After all, what else do we really take with us besides the intangibles of a well fought life?  I believe there is a dignity of striving to be the best version of one's self even as days grow more cloudy, even as the journey works towards a close.  There are many things we can lose in our life with little or no control over the process.  We can lose our worldly possessions, we can lose others we love, we can lose our independence and in some cases, we can lose the battle with sickness and disease.  However, there are some thing we don't have to lose.  Among them our dignity, our spirit, and our freedom to decide how to see our lives.  Those things we have to be willing to part with.  I'm not saying holding on to those is always easy.  However, we can, if we choose, hold onto those things.  

I believe in the lives of many/most if  you dig deep, you will find a point in which they have felt hopeless.  The key for me and the key for many in that circumstance is to find something to hold onto to or for.  It could your faith.  It could be your family.  It could be your memories of surviving before.  It could be your vision of what could be.  It could be your knowledge that there is someone who championed us--and may have passed away--that we'd hate to disappoint.  It could be our pride.  It is important to be able to find this and when we do we have a choice at that point.  Do we give in to the brokenness or hopelessness OR do we decide that we want to find that which sustains us?  For some, it seems the brokenness is too great and they don't feel like they have a choice.  But, for those who are able to recognize it, we are free to decide to push forward and to decide to accept life on its terms or work to change it.

Tying back to this election and prior elections, many have or had a deep sense of dread or hopelessness afterwards.  For many people, it feels/felt like 'the wrong person' won.  If feels/felt like our country is/was headed down a dark, unrecoverable path.  There is always a risk to what we perceive as poor leadership dragging down our country.  However, elections do not have to feel like an impending disaster.  This election for some, like past elections for others doesn't have to feel that way.  We have always had the choice, even when we aren't happy with the results, as to whether view ourselves as a victim of them OR to view ourselves as those who continue to fight for what we believe in or what is important to us.

Whether you are happy with this election, upset about it or ambivalent, how we choose to view it and our lives in general is ultimately up to us.  This is something I cannot stress enough.   So, let's decide to come together and set an example for our leadership on all sides of the aisle.

Just my 2 pennies worth,

Rich

As an aside, there was another time I was woefully underemployed in my field.   I had an undiagnosed severe anxiety condition.  It hindered me in getting my Bachelor's degree, but didn't stop me.  However, it made it almost impossible to interview effectively before and after I graduated.  Anyway, it was four years before I got a job in my field after graduating college.  I could have given up, but something inside kept me going forward.   Just like the struggle above in "Jewels", I fought depression and a feeling of hopelessness at times, but something inside me said, no, it's not time to give up.

Freedom: Part 2: Just Another Word For Nothing Left to Lose

I've always appreciated Janis Joplin's music.  She was a troubled, but talented 'child' of the 1960s.  She grew up in Texas, but really never fit there.  In a word, she was a misfit.  Anyway, I have always appreciated the bluesy, "Me and Bobby McGee".   I've written about a bit about the time period between 2011-2012 in my life.  To quote Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."  Anyway, I never fully appreciated what she meant when she sang the verse, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" in the song until that period in my life.

Growing up, I was the fifth of six children being raised on a postal employee's salary with the family often competing with the bottle for my dad's income.  Anyway, I never had a whole lot growing up and sometimes didn't even have enough clothes.  But I did have a good mind, which helped escape the poverty of childhood.   In any case, I was used to not having much, but what I did have I appreciated.

With my mind and education, I eventually was able to start a solid career in IT.  I was able to buy a new cars, buy a house, get married, have a child, etc.   In other words, the American dream.  I was able to buy luxuries and do things that we didn't have or do during my childhood.  I think part of me for a moment forgot what it was like to go without.  As the title of this blog suggests, this newfound lifestyle did not go on forever uninterrupted. 

My first marriage had some foundation flaws which I really did not fully appreciate until after it was over.  Anyway, starting in 2009, when my mom nearly died, my life as I knew it was, was on a path to forever change.  But, it didn't really start to show cracks until August 2010, when we separated for the first time.  Around this time, the company I'd worked for 10 years was moving its operations halfway across the country.  Given the turmoil at home, staying in town was the better option for me at that point.   By the end of the year 2010, my company officially closed operations in St. Louis, MO leaving me unemployed going into the new year.  That was blow number 1.

My and my ex got back together at the end of 2010 and I got some short-term consulting work, but that was a short reprieve from the storm.  This was true, especially since, my older brother Bill was going through his own turmoil at the time, which I didn't exactly know how to help him with.  He was struggling with demons from his childhood, with employment woes, with no luck in relationships, automobile woes and with depression woes.  Essentially he felt the walls collapsing in around him.  I wrote about him in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother.  I was fortunate, though mostly unemployed, I had means and I still had the love of my young daughter and faith to hang onto.  He wasn't so much.  Well, as the year went on, it became increasingly clear that the marriage was not built to last and that my brother Bill was in a very bad place.

It was clear around the beginning of July 2011, my marriage would not last.  I was still mostly unemployed and burning through my saving.  Though I was distracted by those troubles, I was still able to notice that my brother wasn't doing well emotionally.  I had started to worry that he wouldn't make it long term.  Unfortunately, my fears were realized much sooner than I realized.  My brother was found deceased in his apartment at the end of July that year.  Due to the timing of it, they were not able to definitively rule on the cause of death.  However, based on what I knew about him, the last thing he texted me* and details that few were privy too about his circumstance, it was pretty clear that he took his life.  I can't say for sure if he actively tried to commit suicide or if he engaged in death wish type actions/behaviors.  Either way, he was gone.  That was blow number 2.

In August of that year (2011), my now ex and I separated permanently and I lost custody of my daughter for a few months.  That was blow number 3.   In the process, I lost my house and would over the next few years be forced to move around a few times.  Anyway, the foreclosure would only become official in March of 2012.  That was blow number 4.  Anyone who has been through a divorce, especially a contentious one, knows that they are usually bad for finances.   Though I had gotten part time work and some unemployment at the time, I had to file for bankruptcy.  Blow number 5.   I also was forced to deal with my dad's failing health while I was nursing all of those wounds.   Blow number 6.

I hadn't quite lost everything at the time.   My parents were still both alive and I was able to get partial custody of my daughter as well as had a car of my own.  But, I'd say

• Losing a good long term job and being unemployed for an extended period of time.
• Loss of my closest sibling.
• Bad break-up and loss of custody of my daughter for a time.
• Foreclosure on my house and loss of most of what was in it.
• Filing for bankruptcy.
• Dealing with my dad's failing health.

all within about a two year period was staggering.  Though I hadn't quite lost everything.  Losing so much in that period of time and being literally left with the clothes on my back, my laptop and my car felt pretty much like I had little left to lose.  But as I wrote about in Finding Jewels in the Darkness, there was some good that came out of the bad.

Anyway, back to the original point of the post.  Leading up to the 2011/2012 period, I had had to deal with the following (not in any specific order):

• An unhealthy marriage and all the stress that goes along with it, including the fear of change and fear of loss of custody of a child.
• Round after round of reorganization and layoffs at my long term employer
• A brother who was increasingly struggling to cope and the constant stress over it.
• Increasingly untenable financial situation which associated with coping with a rough marriage. I learned that you can't buy enough things, go enough places and do enough things to get away from this fact.  Though you can sure build up debt in the process.
• The house payment was being increasingly difficult to make.

When it all started to tumble down in 2011 and 2012 and I survived each blow, a funny thing happened.  I realized that though I'd lost a lot, I gained something in the process.  I gained freedom. I no longer had each of those things to worry about.  My world became smaller, my stresses became fewer, my responsibilities became less, the remaining stresses I was fearful of, I found to be survivable.   Though I didn't have much, I had what mattered at the time: A car, a place to stay (a friend's house), enough money to get by on, my daughter, a few friends that survived the shake-up and my faith.  I also for a couple years more had my mom, whom I spoke about in Knew You Were Waiting For an Advocate.   It wasn't quite, nothing left to lose, but nonetheless, the responsibilities, burdens and stresses that had been weighing me down prior to 2011 were greatly reduced if not outright gone.  Though there was a lot of sadness, there was a great weight lifted off my shoulders.  I had little left after that time period, but what I had was what I needed and what I didn't have was the level of stress.  In short, though I'd lost a lot, I gained freedom to start fresh in the process.

* He texted me that "I think I'm dying".  It's one of those situations which haunts you.  When you are a kid and another kids says that he'll 'kill you'.  You take it to mean, I'm going to beat the crap out of you.  It was a similar dynamic to that.  Given the conversations we'd been having at the time, I took it to mean I'm very depressed and dying inside.  In other words, at that moment, in that context, it came across as figurative.  Maybe at that moment, it was.  Regardless, the timing will probably always haunt me. 

Freedom: Part 1: Freedom At Last

Ever hear a song that you haven't heard in a while and for whatever reason it sticks in your mind for a while?   I don't know if it is an earworm at play, suddenly getting the meaning of it aka "really hearing it for the first time" or just the song having a meaning now that it didn't have when you previously had heard it.  I have Sirius XM and they change up some of the channels from time to time.  Recently, they made one of their channels to be the "George Michael" channel.  Whatever demons he had, he was a very talented singer and songwriter and I've always appreciated that.

Anyway, I heard his version of "Freedom" he wrote as part of Wham.  So, it got me to thinking what exactly is freedom?  Can something seem like freedom but is really a prison of sorts?  So, I pondered those two questions/thoughts as well as others and here is what I came up with.

THOUGHTS/DEFINITIONS OF FREEDOM

• The ability to make your own choices/decisions (as opposed to being controlled or pressured to do something different).
• That can mean not having to make a choice.
• That can mean making a choice which you otherwise might not be able to.
• Control can come from an outside source (others).
• Control can come from an internal source (our hangups).
• The can mean not being held back by ourselves/others.

• The ability to be yourself or express yourself without recrimination or at least fear of the consequences of doing so.
• Worrying less about what others think as we get older.
• Often due to confidence gained from experience.
• Often from contempt about being told 'what to okay to do or think', especially when it comes from those with much less life experience.
• Often due to fatigue of expending the energy trying to worry about what others think.
•  The ability to set better set aside or let go of worry about what others think.
• Realization that you can't control what others think.
• Realization that letting what others think gets in the way of being yourself can be harmful or toxic.
• Realization that you'll never be able to please everyone, so you might as well be true to yourself.
• Realization that life is too short and some things are just too important to let others dictate or overly influence you.
• How we raise our children is a great example of this.  While we can heed what others say or take it into account.  We can't let others dictate how we parent.  Being paralyzed by what others think can get in the way of effective parenting.

• Not having to rely on another.
• For our material needs.
• For our contentment or happiness
• For our sense of purpose or being. 

• Not having 'report' to another.
• Could be an employer
• Could be a parent or adult or someone who is in charge of you.
• Could be a mate.

• Nothing left to hold onto/nothing left to lose.  This one I will explore in another blog post.

• Really just an illusion.
• We always have someone we need to report to
• Even a business owner will have to 'report' to his or has to answer to clients or potential clients.
• Every year on our around April 15th-and for some more often-people have to report to the IRS.  
• In our modern society, we will always have to rely on others. Examples include
• Not everyone can raise their own livestock or farm for feed needs.
• We don't have the ability to maintain or fix the roads we travel on in most cases.
•  Freedom is rarely free
• Each Memorial, Veteran's and Independence Day, we are reminded of the cost of fighting to achieve and retain our freedoms (life and death struggle).
• Often we have to give up something to gain freedom.
• Dying gives us freedom from pain and suffering
• Lonliness and alienation from some of those around us can be the cost of freedom from a 'bad relationship'.
• Financial hardship can result from being separated from a soul-sucking job.

Let's break some points down a little further.

Freedom From Control

•  I think when mot people think of freedom, they think of not having to answer to someone or not having someone try to control you in some way.  That's easy to spot.  What is harder to spot is when is when you are in your own prison.  That is where you are beholden to your own demons or hang-ups.  

Freedom Is Being Yourself

•  I believe history is littered with people who felt imprisoned to expectations of those close to them and society in general.  Whether we feel we cannot choose whom we couple with, what we should do with our lives, what we are allowed to think or express, or something else along those lines, being imprisoned to the expectations of others is hard on the soul.  Back in the day,  I've always been a very sensitive person and in some regards in the era I grew up in that was frowned upon as a guy.   I felt like there was a pressure to be 'macho' and not show 'weakness' or especially sensitivity.  The later for a guy was interpreted by some as a sign of homosexuality or at least being a 'sissy'.  I never saw and still don't see those things in myself, but as a teen wanting acceptance, I certainly didn't want to be pegged anything like that.   I liked what I liked.  I liked 'Wham!' and I think to a large extent people 'knew' George Michaels was gay.   I knew it wasn't the most macho music for a guy to listen to, but I liked it, but didn't brag about that.  I have realized over time that the fact that I like it was all that was important.  It didn't matter if it didn't fit the stereotype of 'dude' music.  It didn't matter if people mocked them (and by proxy) guys who might like it.  None of that mattered.  I like what I like and if others have a problem with it, well I might not be accepted, but if that's the price of acceptance, it's not worth it.   But as a guy with a very sensitive side, I knew I had to 'keep it hidden'.   Anyway, the freedom to be yourself is either the actually when you aren't criticized for being who you are OR it is the ability to move past caring or at least getting paralyzed by what others think. 

Freedom Is A Prison

• You want to give up drinking, smoking, gambling, etc.   However, your spirit is trapped in rut where you feel compelled to feed your hang-ups.  As I alluded to earlier, this can be a prison of sorts rather than 'freedom'.  You may be old enough to engage in self-destructive and addictive behavior and you may even celebrate your 'freedom' to engage in certain behaviors.  But, in time what seemed like freedom really is imprisonment to your own demons.

Freedom Can Have A Cost

• Like most things that matter in life, there is cost. To live a comfortable life, we typically have to work hard and sometimes long hours.  To do the best for our kids, we often have to sacrifice or set aside our own needs or wants.  Freedom is no different.  We may not have to go to the front line and put our life on the line, to ensure our (and others') freedom, but there is usually a cost.   If we are okay with being single, we may not have to 'answer to' a mate, but we may feel lonliness at times and we may give up the chance for a love connection.  We may be away from a toxic job that was hurting us mentally and/or spiritually, but it may come at a cost of a lifestyle we are used to.  We want the freedom to afford to travel where we want, but we have to sacrifice a lot of time on hard work to afford us the opportunity.  We have a 1st Amendment to speak our mind, we may not go to prison, but it can cost us things like our job and our friends.  There are countless examples, but the point is clear.  Freedom is not free.

There are many other possible takes on freedom I'm sure, but these are the ones that stand out to me.  As I think freedom means nothing left to lose needs a more of a treatment, I will leave that for later, but I think this covers a lot of ground.

Just my thought and I hope some of my takes get my readers to think about it.  Maybe come up with their own definitions and perhaps come up with a different take.  In any case, as I am ending this blog, feel free to spend your time on other things.  Maybe feel free to look at other blog posts.

Cheers,

Rich

Freedom from obstacles can be an obstacle itself

We hear on a regular basis about the privileged class such as Paris Hilton, Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, the Kennedy's and so on.   We hear about the mistakes and struggles they go through such as drug and other addictions, unhealthy relationships and just general misery.  From those not born with a silver spoon in their mouth, there is often a certain contempt with the 'poor' privileged folks and often times a lack of empathy for them.  When that 'poor privileged' people lectures us we are quick to show contempt for them. This is especially true when that class publicly fails or makes mistakes. Disgust/contempt/condemnation can manifest itself as:

• Irritation and anger that they would 'dare' tell the rest of us who struggle to make it, how to live.  Especially if they've never had to.
• Resentment/envy at the advantages or opportunities they have (and are in many cases throwing away).  We put ourselves in their shoes and note how if only we had such opportunities how we'd do a millions time better them.
• Disgust at them when then when they show themselves as ungrateful for the advantages they have or seem to obtusely complain about their struggles.
• Rage when they seemingly avoid consequences for their mistakes and actions that the 'rest of us' wouldn't dream of being able to escape.

I used to be one of the stone throwers and perhaps to a degree I still am, however, a funny thing happened on the way to heaven: I started to see past the common takes, the contempt, and the like.  I started to see the 'poor' privileged people as not caricatures, but as real people.  That's not to say the privileged class don't earn or should be exempt from scorn heaped on them when they abuse or otherwise take for granted their privilege.  It's just to say that "beyond the headlines" there is more to the story or more than a simple take.  I'm not sure what got me to thinking about this all except that I was thinking recently about some of the obstacles that I have had to overcome in my life and I realize in some ways they made me stronger.  It occurred to me that had I been born into privilege I might have never had the opportunity to grow and develop coping skills.  So, let's consider some differences that some of a privileged and someone of a non-privileged class may have in their lives or development:

Privileged vs. Non-privileged.

• Necessity of Work
• Non-privileged: Not an option, if I don't find a way to make money I could be hungry and homeless and may not survive.  Therefore, the need to work has helped me develop certain skills.
• The need to budget/spend wisely.
• The need to choose a career wisely.
• The need to keep/sharpen my skill set.
• Privileged: Optional possibly.  If money is not an issue, there is less pressure to do the following.
• Budget/spend wisely.  If hard time comes, a person who has never been forced to do this could struggle to survive.  In other words, the lack of this skill could be an obstacle.
• Make wise career choices.  If money isn't an issue, there may not be an urgency to making a focused career choice.
• Keep/sharpen skill set.  If money isn't an issue, the incentive to do the hard work of 'keeping skills up to date' can be greatly diminished.

• Sense of Purpose
• Non-privileged: Forced to find a purpose or at least something they are good at.  Pride in earning a living can give a sense of purpose.  Success in earning a living can also give confidence to explore other ways to have purpose.
• Privileged: When the absolute need to work and find a skill is lessened if not altogether removed, it can rob a person of motivation.  When you know you'll be fine either way, motivation to succeed has to come from somewhere else (besides survival).

• Friendships/Healthy Relationships
• Non-privileged: Relationships can tend to be purer or more legitimate
• When you don't have excess resources or financial value to offer others, you are less likely to be "befriended" or "loved" based on what you can do for others.
• When you have less to impress others with (including fame or popularity), if you are appreciated, it is likely to be based on impressing others.
• Privileged: Relationships can be more questionable.
• To some extent people are attracted to what others can do for them.  If you have means or something that you can effectively trade for money or fame, then you are more likely to attract gold-diggers, hanger's on and/or people who are looking to trade of your fame/privilege.
• When you have privilege, people can get stuck on your privilege or seeing you for what you have or offer (worship) than a more honest person to person relationship.

• Expectations
• Non-privileged: Less likely to have absurdly high expectations.
• Success is more likely to be treated as a nice accomplishment rather than an expectation.
• Failures and mistakes, while not good, will not tend to be as high profile (and therefore easier to get past).
• Privileged: More likely to have absurdly high expectations.
• People that come from privilege, especially where their family tree is littered with great achievement, are typically expected to live up to or at least continue the success of the family name.
• Pressure to live up to the family name can be enormously stressful.
• Failures and mistakes will tend to be more well known or high profile.

• Relatability/Empathy.
• Non-privileged: Easier to relate to the "average" person if you are closer to their class.
• Privileged: If you are not exposed to "average" people, but instead mostly to other "privileged" people, it will be much harder to relate or understand them.

I grew up in a working class family and was the first person in my immediate family and the second person in my extended family (that I knew) to graduate from college with Bachelor's degree.  Given obstacles that either directly addressed (or implied) in other blog posts--see Anxiously awaiting - Not just words for some--success has never not come easy for me.  But, I was blessed with a good mind and an instinct for survival.  I had many opportunities in my early life and early adulthood to hone my survival instincts too.  I didn't see it that way back then, but I see it now.  In any case, it occurred to me that if I had had everything that I could ever want, I may not have developed a strong personality, I may have found less authentic friendships and I may not have honed well my survival instincts (for when bad times hit).   But potentially what bothers me most is that I probably would not have developed a good sense of relatability or empathy.

As any athlete who has ever tasted success knows, you can't develop mental toughness and take your game to the next level without facing and overcoming obstacles--injury, pain, even some agony.  As with athletics, in life the obstacles we face give us an opportunity to grow and better ourselves.  If we are exempted or protected from obstacles or not required to overcome obstacles, our emotional, mental, spiritual and in some cases even physical growth will be limited.

Are you pushing necessary society change or just avoiding yourself?

One time I was observing a group on the news disrupting a church service attended by a certain politician.  They used the forum to try to push their agenda.  I won't identify the issue or actors as I don't want to distract from the larger point.  But, I wondered what made their agenda so important that they felt the need to shut down the service and the harass the politician attending it?  A possible answer occurred to me:  People sometimes find it less painful to 'change' society than to accept themselves or change what they don't like about themselves.  In short, for some people forcing everyone to 'accept' them or their agenda is easier than coming to terms with themselves.  That is to say, they are unwilling to do the emotional, spiritual or mental lifting required to come to terms with themselves and would rather push society toward 'validating' them--even if such validation would be forced.

Before I dive into this topic further, I want to make a few notes or disclaimers as I see it.

• I don't mean to dismiss the need for social change in some areas.  Nor do I mean to dismiss the right or need to protest for such.  Women's suffrage and destroying the Jim Crowe legacy were clear examples of the need for and the right to protest for change.  I believe, most people when you stripped away the excuses and rationalizations realized at the time that women should have an equal vote in our republic and that no one should be denied service due to the color of the skin they were born with.  Clearly, pushing societal change was the right thing to do.
• Sometimes people pushing for social change might do so for different reasons.  One because he or she has inner demons to deal with, while the other would be due to a sincere belief in that cause.  Still another might have mixed motives. I'm focusing on the person who is using a 'cause' as an excuse to not deal with their personal demons.
• People shouldn't generally be forced to buy into an idea or change.
• It can speak of arrogance to those pushing it.  As if there idea or change is THE only right one.  Some ideas/changes aren't necessarily the right direction no matter how forcefully pushed.  See Nazi Germany as an extreme example.
• Doing so can cause problems with the idea or change taking effectively.  This is especially true when other parties are denied a voice in the process.  Our Constitution anticipated this and while not perfect put processes in place: Having Congress write laws, having the executive branch enforce them, having SCOTUS review the laws for Constitutionality and giving us a process to amend the Constitution to seek consensus where there is not clarity.  
• Changes done Constitutionally rather than by fiat, I believe have a better history of going more smoothly.  Constitutional amendments are rarely questioned today vs. those done by fiat as there is a sense of being better settled.
• Changes done by fiat can also be undone by fiat.  If feel you were denied a voice in a change, you won't have as much of an issue with rolling back the change outside Constitutional boundaries.
• Not everyone has to buy into an idea or change.
• Sometimes forcing them to do so is to deny them their first amendment rights (to speak out).
• If the change is for the better, society is more likely to gradually embrace it anyway. 
• So ideas or changes don't require everyone to buy into them to become effective.

So back to my main point.  It occurred to me that some of the people pushing the hardest, shrieking the loudest and/or tolerating no dissent sometimes are doing so because of inner demons they have regarding the issue or change they are pushing.  In short, as Shakespeare said in Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much methinks".

To wit:

• Mark Foley, a champion against child pornography and who led the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children and led pushed for stronger laws to protect children against possible pornographic exploitation with the Child Modeling Exploitation Prevention Act of 2002.  The Act failed in part due to its overly broad nature.  In any case,  in 2006, he had to resign in disgrace from Congress when he was exposed to have have sexted underage pages.
• On the one hand he practically carried 'protection' of children on his shoulders by himself, but on the other hand he struggled with exploiting underage boys. 
• It is important to protect children and they need champions for them in high places. However, the extent that he pushed for 'protecting children' ultimately appeared to be either a cover for or a shame reaction for his own demons. 
• In Oregon, a Christian couple was being pushed to bake a cake for a reception of a gay wedding, when it was probably obvious that they were "Christian-owned" business (Sweet Cakes).  My understanding it that they were likely not comfortable with the idea of 'condoning' gay marriage by participating in the celebration thereof.  They balked citing their faith and ultimately had their business and livelihood destroyed.
• As they were located near Portland, OR, a number of similar businesses nearby could easily have met the wedding cake request.  This was likely known by the couple who requested the cake.
• The couple that requested the cake, were probably aware of the the nature of the business, but instead of turning the other cheek (and respecting that a faith-based business could disagree with them), they pushed forward and sued the bakery into oblivion.
• Instead of accepting that others could disagree with celebrating their lifestyle choice based on freedom of religion, it would seem that they were determined to 'force' society into complete acceptance and condoning of their lifestyle choice.  
• It wasn't enough that the state accepted and condoned their lifestyle choice, the couple seemed to 'need' additional validation of their choice and couldn't accept that anyone could disagree with celebrating it (even if their faith dictated that).  In short, accept and celebrate us even if it is against your sincere and traditional religious beliefs OR we will shut you down.
• My take is that in some of these cases, the 'advocates' would rather prove to everyone (and to themselves) how righteous they are by trying to force everyone else to agree, rather than reaching deep inside them and accepting that that is isn't necessary.  In short, forcing society to artificially 'validate' them rather than being comfortable with who they are.  

I'm not going to be the referee of what causes are worthy to push for provided that the 'innocent' aren't hurt nor is our safety or security.  I'm not going to tell others how to live.  Ultimately, I believe that each of us has to answer to our "Higher Power".  That being said, I don't want my right to free speech or free exercise of my faith smothered by a 'need' of another to be at peace with his or herself or their agenda.  That I believe is the start of fascism.  The very act of shutting or crushing another's freedoms for your own comfort or benefit is fascist in my humble opinion.

As Evelyn Beatrice Hall said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it".  This applies to the right to practice your faith.  The Constitution doesn't guarantee a right to be free of being offended. 

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My takeaway?

1. You have a right to express your Constitutionally protected beliefs.
2. You do not have a right to deny others the same regardless of your 'needs'.
3. If you are too damaged to cope with others having an alternative belief to you, you probably need to work on yourself.  
4. If you 'require' or need to 'force' others to agree with you to have peace in your life, that's an indication that you probably need to work on yourself.
5. If your first instinct is to try and shut other down rather than convince them, its a clear indication that you have fascist tendencies and need to work on yourself.

I know this post was controversial, but I've got to be true to myself.  My journey through understanding addiction, codependence and human nature is intended to help others, but is not intended to be a whitewash of how I see things.  It is intended to give a perspective perhaps that hasn't occurred to everyone or even anyone.  I know that I am not anywhere near being always right and try to own when I'm not.  However, it is most important to me to express things as I see them.  As I've told a few others when I 'see' unpleasant 'truths', I don't enjoy it and sometimes I wish and hope what I 'see' isn't so.

Thanks for reading and I hope this hasn't at least given you food for thought or at possible understanding of what drives some people.

- Rich