Life: A Highwire Act

I was talking with a coworker today about my mornings when I have my daughter and need to drop her off before work.  One thing she noted was that she has a checklist of things she needs to do before the kids are out the door and to where they need to be.  I too  have a mental checklist of things I need to do:

• Make sure she's awake and stays awake.
• Make sure she takes a shower if necessary and gets dressed.
• Make sure she takes her medicine
• Make sure she has breakfast or knows where she can get it--packing it if we are short on time.
• Take a shower and get ready and get dressed.
• Feed my cat his medicine
• Pack myself and her a lunch.
• Feed my cat his medicine.
• Make sure her backpack is packed and whatever needs signed is signed.
• Make sure I have everything I need.
• Make sure everything we need is taken out to the car.
• Kiss the wife goodbye and say bye to the kids if they are awake.

I'm sure I'm probably forgetting something, but I have to do all that in roughly about an hour.   That's just one part of my regular routine and by the time I drop her off, making it in about 80 minutes after I left, I feel worn out.   Suffice to say, I have to keep track of a number of things and make sure to stay focused.

Sometimes my wife is wide awake for this and sometimes she's resting.  I have such a routine going where everything is done in the same order.   If she's awake she sometimes tries to ask me if  I remember this or that.  Sometimes it's okay and sometimes I tell her, don't worry I'll let you know if I need help.  It might come across as being an ingrate or being brushed off, but I finally found the words to communicate what it is like in the morning to my wife.

Mornings are like a high-wire act.  I take one step at a time going from one end of the wire to the other end--that is to say I methodically check items off my checklist from the moment I wake up to the moment I start my commute.  I'm very focused an on task, but very intense, just like someone who would be crossing the high-wire.  Sometimes, when she intervenes, it breaks my rhythm.  I forget my place and have to readjust.   Just like if I was on a hire-wire and out of nowhere a person appeared in front of me on the other side.  It could startle me for a moment enough to throw off my balance.  I would quickly have to readjust, factor in the person on the other side and continue my progression to the other side.

So, if your significant other seems to 'reject' your help, especially in crunch situations, don't necessarily take it personally.  He or she just might have their own of coping with the situation.  Maybe after he or she has had time to exhale they can explain.  Perhaps if he or she realizes that the situation is hopelessly beyond their control they will know to reach out for hope.  Just my thoughts and realizations for the day.

Thanks for reading.

The highway, one-way streets and embracing vs. tolerating.

Do you find yourself consistently giving and giving in relationship and getting little in return?  It is like driving down the highway day after day in the same direction, cross country and expecting to make it home.   Sure, you can fill your tank up at places along the way, but eventually your car will break down and leave you stranded.  Similarly, you can scratch and claw and find hope in a one-sided, one-way relationship, but eventually you will be mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and having nothing left for anyone including yourself.

As my ex-father in law said, "the highway goes both ways".

Sometimes you just have to pull the car off the road and wait for the other person to drive to you.  It can feel risky, scary or uncertain when you are so used to doing the reaching out, but it is a necessary step.  If nothing else, you cannot expect the other to come to you if you continually deprive him/her of the opportunity to meet you halfway.  Beyond that, sometimes you just need to know IF the other person has the capacity and presence of mind to know he/she needs to meet you half way.

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A variety of the above concept or a finer point on the scale is tolerating vs. embracing.   Tolerating, no matter how you wrap it up is never as warm, giving or loving when compared to embracing.

      Tolerating to me means:
         a) I don't really get you, but you offer me something anyway, so I will stay with  you.
         b) I don't necessary like you, but you offer me something anyway,....
         c) If you stop offering me something in return for tolerating you, don't be surprised if I leave.
Effectively, tolerating is a calculation that what I are putting up with is worth what I am getting in return.

     Embracing to me means:
        a) Your quirks are cute, funny or charming.
        b) I accept you for who you are, not what you can give me in return.
        c) I would feel sad if you changed the things that made you uniquely you.


So, the questions I ask myself are these: Am I tolerating or embracing?  What does embracing look like?  If I am tolerating, can I get to a point of embracing?

Some things/relationships aren't meant to be embraced or tolerated,  The keys are learning to embrace what we need to regardless of how unpleasant it is and those things/relationships we shouldn't tolerate letting go of them.