Being True To Yourself

Recently at my place of employment we were required to do some 'legal compliance' training.   One of the subjects was diversity training and more specifically recognizing implicit bias. That is to say bias about groups you don't necessarily recognize in yourself.  Project Implicit was the name tied to a number of different tests about implicit bias including ones related to:

• Age
• Race
• Religion
• Disability
• Creed

I took one of the tests having a fairly good idea what my bias was already in that direction.  Sure, enough, the test confirmed what I suspected to be the case about my bias.  Ironically, my last blog was about Confirmation Bias and how I suspect many people have it, but it is directed towards how they view themselves.  Anyway, some people expressed a little surprise about an implicit or 'hidden' bias they had, but I wasn't one of them.  I pretty well knew where my biases lay.  To me an 'implicit bias' is usually one that you know on some level you have, but are unwilling to accept.  To me trying to deny a bias is a foolish endeavor.  Like many other aspects of our personality and self, I feel that we can work to be our better selves by recognizing and accepting our biases.  Only then can we determine if we should work on them and if so, how we can.   Like an addict who denies his or her addictive tenancies, a person who is unwilling to face their biases isn't giving themselves the chance to be their best self.

If I am an alcoholic but am not willing to recognize that, there is no way I can possibly recognize and accept the harm it is doing to my heath and/or my personal relationships.  Similarly, if I don't accept the biases that on some level that I know that I have, I can't be more open-minded in dealing with individuals (who fit the profile of my bias). 

But why do we deny our biases?

• Societal shame - If enough people look down on you for a bias, you may not want to accept the bias as to do so might invite accepting the societal shame of the bias.
• Personal shame - I believe most people like to think of themselves as logical, fair-minded, reasonable and just, even-handed followers of the gold rule.   To accept that we may be ruled by anything other than that, can indicate to ourselves a deep personality flaw.  No one wants to admit what they see as major personality flaws.
• Moral high ground (virtue signaling) - It's kind of hard to hold the moral high ground when you are exposed as being biased, especially if it is a bias that society strongly condemns.  So, what do you do?  You pretend that the bias doesn't exist of course.

I believe no matter how much we try to hide or deny our biases, they do eventually come out.  You can only 'be' someone who you aren't for so long before you grow weary of it, emotionally and spiritually.  As the concept of 'implicit bias' indicates, biases may seep out in very subtle ways, but they do seep out.

Before, I close this blog post out, I do want to 'defend' biases.  Some biases are really not a big deal and some biases are useful for protecting yourself.

• For example, you are biased toward buying fudge cookies as you expect that they will always taste better, in the big scheme of things it's probably not a big deal (unless you and your spouse are fighting over it). 😀 
• For example, if you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, especially at the hands of a man, it is probably very reasonable that you'd be biased against males.  It's not that you believe all males are predators, but until you get to know them better, it could be seen as safe to keep your kids away from a 1-1 interaction with a grown male until you know him better.

If digging deep down in your soul, you realize and recognize harmful biases.  I don't believe you have to announce your biases to the world.  However, I think it is important, to acknowledge them to yourself so you can do any work you need to such that you are a logical, fair-minded, reasonable and just, even-handed follower of the gold rule.

Just some thoughts,

Rich

* Full disclosure.  I was molested as a child by two males.  Unfortunately, that pushed my trust factor of adult males way down.  But, as I realized long before I took the implicit bias test, pushed me towards a bias towards those of a sex-sex orientation, especially males.  Instead of denying it, I have taken a proactive stance.  Namely, I am very deliberate in my interactions with those I suspect of having a same-sex orientation.  I remind myself that there are bad people in the world of all orientation who would take advantage of others and that they didn't harm me.  I remind myself, they are just like everyone else trying to get by and trying to live.  In other words, if I feel a bias bubbling up, I work diligently combat it.  In some ways, I would like to think this could make me a better friend.  I am mindful of discrimination others face, I double-check my motives and I strive to be as fair as I can and I always, always seek to understand the individual not the group.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Cats as BFFs

My cat Simon is starting to get up there in years.  He's working on 12 years old and I guess a part of me realizes that he won't be around forever.  Anyway, I usually write serious blog posts, but I felt it was the right time for a lighter one.  

When you hear the phrase "man's best friend", usually the mental picture of a dog comes to mind, but I contend that cats can be like a best friend of sorts too.  Everyone's experience may differ, but I've come to appreciate my Simon (aka Simie).  I call him my "crazy Asian" as he is Siamese; he probably calls me a his "crazy American".  Anyway, I will list some things about him that I know make him a BFF.

Simon

• Whatever else he does gravitates towards me when I go to bed.  No he might get up and want to leave the room and then come back, but you know at the end of the day, I can count on a visit from my cat BFF.  When I was having problems with my now ex, he would always end up with me at the end of the night and not her.  That's loyalty.
• When I am sad or not feeling well, he tends to gravitate towards me.  I am vain enough to think it is because he likes me and maybe the silly cat does, but it could be because I humor and/or feed him.  He won't necessarily admit it, but he thinks I'm an alright cat owner.
• When I call him by name, he turns and faces me.  When I'm talking, he tends to look intently at me and listen.  I don't always know what he is thinking.  Perhaps he likes the "fatherly" voice. Perhaps he sees me as his pet as well.  I dunno, but its flattering to know that I can always count on him to listen.
• He makes sure to wake me up for work--when he's hungry (and not always nicely).  But he makes an excellent alarm.
• We talk.  Sometimes it is just a nonverbal watching each other.  Sometimes it is me calling him and him meowing.  Either way, it's nice to hear from or see my fuzzball friend.
• He makes a nice stuffed animal that purrs.  Even grownups sometimes need that positive feedback.
• He abuses me at times and I abuse him.  Now nothing says a healthy friendship like mutually abusive behavior.  ^..^
• He is the one constant that I could count on for the past 12 years.  That means something.  Having a friend around to greet you at some point every days is kind of cool.
• He is funny.  He schemes to steal food.  He took a blueberry muffin from my teenage stepdaughter.  She hadn't sized him up yet, but he'd sized her up and figured the muffin was his.  I had to laugh at his devious intuitive genius.  He's had numerous misadventures like that.  A BFF will be someone who makes you laugh.

Cats may not wag their tale at you waiting to be petted, may not retrieve a ball that you throw them or may not always obey your commands, but that doesn't make them less of a friend.  It just makes them different (and in some ways more honest a friend).

I know he can't read, but if I he could I'd want him to know I wouldn't trade my furry best friend for anything.  I'd rather have his honest (and occasionally abusive) behavior than straight obedience.  

- Rich (aka Simon's Person)