What I've learned along the way is the practice of 'medicine' is as much of an art as it is a science. I believe this to be the case with psychology as well. I believe that some models of human behavior, interactions and thought are better than others, that there is no one-sized, fits all model. Each model has its flaws and exceptions as well as its accuracy and strengths, but I digress. I believe the "Five Stages of Grief" model has a lot of value to it. However, I believe the progression of grief doesn't always follow that model and frankly sometimes people never quite reach the acceptance stage. From what I've seen some people never make it through the depression stage. It's like they deny the loss, are angry about it, try to bargain the loss away, and hit the sadness or depression stage and struggle to handle it.
I called this post, "Placing Sadness in the Anger Bin", because essentially, the griever is at a point in which he or she should be working through the sadness, but for whatever reason, is struggling to. What should manifest itself as Sadness or Depression instead comes out in Anger. The sadness exists, but the griever is not processing or allowing it to fully express itself. In my own life, this circumstance manifest itself with my brother's suicide, written in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother,
Due to the circumstances and timing in which he was found, the family was never allowed to see him after he was found. As I worked through his belongings in his apartment that in the week that followed, a part of me expected him to walk in and gripe about what were we doing with his belongings. It was surreal and was obviously the denial stage. Gradually, it gave away to anger. I knew he was struggling and did what I could to help him, but I felt the family overall had let him down. He would 'disappear' from time to time and it seemed as if few in the family did anything more than to ask about him (from my perspective). Had dealt with the same type of sexual abuse that I did as a kid and the struggles that come from growing up in a dysfunctional family which was unnecessarily poor and led by an alcoholic dad. He struggled to find acceptance and had cried out for help in his teens with an overdoes on Tylenol. From my perspective, he was largely abandoned and left to his own devices by the family. I was angry and humiliated that as a family that we let him down. I was angry at God I'm sure. I was angry at myself. I knew he was struggling and I dropped away for a little bit. I didn't care that I was dealing with my own failing marriage, depression and unemployment. I told myself I knew better and let him down.
In some ways, I'd wake up for a bit and just hope that this was just a bad dream and he'd show up and hoped there was a way that that could happen. But, at my age, the 'bargain' stage didn't last too long as I am a realist. At this point, having gotten over the shock, having worked through some anger and realized that bargaining was fruitless, I was was struggling with the sadness/depression. Why should I have to deal with this? Why should I have to feel this bad? Why was I the one who was the last one in the family to attempt to be there for him? I bounced back and forth between sadness and anger. Eventually, I worked through the sadness and came to accept the reality of never seeing him again, but it wasn't a clean, linear five step progression.
As with the story above, I have come to realize in my life, a phenomenon. I have seen in the life of others, especially, but not limited to kids and younger people that same phenomenon: Sadness hiding behind Anger. That is Anger being Sadness's spokesperson, instead of Sadness speaking for itself.
- The sadness hurts. Why should I have to feel this hurt or loss?
- The sadness leads to unexpected/uncontrolled expression sobbing or crying. Why should we have to deal with something that makes us feel 'weak' or 'unsafe'?
- It can make us feel vulnerable or 'weak'. Anger tells us we should be able to better deal.
- It can feel humiliating. Crying, while healthy, is best done in a safe place. If not done in a safe place, it can lead to humiliation. Anger hates humiliation.
- The sadness seems never-ending. Why won't this stage ever end? Why can't I just move on? Anger hates an unresolved endless repeat of the same painful story.
Anyway, from what I see, Anger serves two purposes, not necessarily healthy, but nonetheless two purposes.
- Anger can serve as seemingly less draining than working through the sadness.
- Anger doesn't require the level of introspection and processing of sadness. It is a raw unfiltered emotion. Let's face it, if you don't feel like you should have to deal with sadness, anger seems to be a good option.
- Anger can serve as a way to block the sadness (at least for a time).
- In a way, it can be seen as the emotional version of cutting. My understanding is that the raw physical sensation of cutting serves as a distraction for emotional pain of sadness. If you are focused on the acute physical sensation of cutting* and all it involves, for a time, the emotional hurt is overridden. Anger can be raw and intense, and in a similar way to cutting it can overwhelm sadness the emotional hurt of sadness.
I think most people have seen instances, either portrayed in the movies or somewhere in their own lives or those around them an angry person who is lovingly embraced and proceeds to break down and cry. While I wouldn't categorically endorse that technique in dealing with angry people, it does emphasize a point: that sadness is often underlying anger.
I guess my takeaway is this: Before you write off someone who has anger issues at least consider that there may be more than just meets the eye. It isn't always just some jerk who decides that hating is an acceptable way of life. It isn't always necessarily some psychopath who has predatory anger. Sometimes, an 'angry' person is simply a person who is trying to avoid dealing with sadness. So, instead of placing their Sadness in the Sadness Bin, they feel more comfortable placing it in the Anger Bin. So, before you condemn an angry person, consider that there may be a sad person inside who just needs some understanding.**
Just my thoughts,
Rich
* I understand there are other reasons behind cutting as the Mayo Clinic details. I've known people who cut, but I never began to understand why they cut themselves UNTIL one day when I chewed a fingernail too far down on the nail bed. I'd done this before where it caused an uncomfortable, acute pain. But, I had found that pressing down on that fingernail until it turned white for a while would lessen or block the pain in the nail bed. I believe my higher power gave me an insight that day. What I was doing was substituting one pain for another less intense pain. In other words, I was blocking pain with pain. I realized that day that people often cut for the same reason. They are blocking an (emotional) pain with a less intense physical one. I realize now that perhaps anger is just another form of pain displacement.
**But don't be so foolish as to try to hug and angry person with a knife or to ignore the symptoms of 'psychotic anger'. Personal safety comes first. ;-)
