As I listened to the news, I cried a little. While I have followed the NBA at times, especially during Michael Jordan's run in Chicago, I have at times just tuned it out too. But, even for the casual fan, there are some names that stick out. Names such as Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Shaquillle O'Neal, and Kobe Bryant stick out. Sometimes famous people, who we don't know personally, capture our attention, especially when they pass away early. They might be a former princess (Lady Di), a famous actor (Heath Ledger, Phillip Seymour Hoffman), a famous athlete (Daryl Kile, Kobe Bryant) or some other category. In this case, it was a famous athlete. Kobe, mostly with his on the court accomplishments and his celebrity personality, captured the imagination of many.
I have previously discussed crying in Demons Part 3: 'Bloodletting' pain as a way of mourning as a healthy way of letting out hurt or pain. I guess I'm inspired to write this post to remind everyone, no matter who they are, what their gender is, how young or how old they are, that there is a role for crying in our lives. As a child with an old school dad, I can attest to the notion that crying wasn't always looked highly upon, especially with male children. So, I assume that there are many that still haven't embraced this notion or haven't fully embraced it. But, I digress, what is the role of crying in our lives? Below is a list that I thought of off the top of my head and it is not meant as complete.
Role of Crying (and examples)
- Mourning the loss of someone close to us.
- If we've lived long enough we will experience it. Some experience it early in life, some not as early. Some seem to experience a lot of losses while others not so many.
- This seems to be most acute sort of loss, especially if it is abrupt. One day, that person who was important in our lives is no longer accessible to us. The person we could laugh or cry with, smile or frown with, share happiness or frustration is just no longer there for us.
- Mourning the loss of someone who isn't necessarily close, but someone who felt like was bigger than life and/or represented a time in our life.
- Kobe Bryant was a celebrity. We shared the joy of watching him compete, the disappointment/irritation of scandal in his life, the winding down of his career and the new direction in retirement. As fans, he brought us joy, but as a very public figure even though he was rich and a celebrity, he was still human and relate-able. His passing was sudden, shocking and for me it felt like a bit of an era died.
- Mourning the loss of innocence or safety.
- As a young child in a dysfunctional home growing up, divorced parents and as survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), I was too busy dealing and it was only in my adulthood I was able to focus on this loss.
- Being abused or assaulted without little or no warning.
- Mourning the loss of an ideal.
- For some people, they have dreams of the happily ever after, but one day they end up divorced.
- For some it is seeing someone they looked up falling from grace and getting in legal and/or personal trouble.
- For some it is realizing that life isn't fair (being passed over for an honor or a role, despite knowing that it should have been theirs.
- Mourning the passing of a time in our lives.
- Hitting a certain age or certain time such as 50 or the kids are all grown up and we miss their younger days.
- Remembering the days in which everything seemed simpler.
- Empathizing with the tragedy of others.
- Hearing about a horrible murder.
- Reading about or watching a tragedy unfold.
- Releasing of pent-up emotions.
- Seeing your team which was denied the Stanley Cup for so long and after so many letdowns finally win it.
- Enduring great physical or emotional pain.
- Such as with childbirth
- Such as with a perforated colon.
- Such as the pain of knowing you have suffered a season ending, career ending or hobby ending injury.
- Losing or getting something valuable destroyed.
- As a kid it just might be our favorite drawing.
- As an adult it might be a beloved heirloom that belonged to a late parent.
In Ecclesiastes 3:4, King Solomon inspired by God wrote:
[there is] a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance
--Clearly our Higher Power understood that we experience sadness (or in some cases bittersweet) in our lives and that crying is a very healthy and human response. As with anything and implied by the same verse, there is a time and circumstance when we crying is not appropriate. Wailing loudly at a pie eating contest at the country fair probably would be completely out of place. Similarly, wailing as you watch a loose penny roll down the sewer is probably an overreaction.
I see no hard and fast rules as to when to cry. For different people and at different points in our lives, the when may differ greatly. As far as how, I think it can differ from person to person, but from what I've seen usually people look for safe situations. I have found comfort crying in private when appropriately moved, comfort in crying in public when the situation allows or calls for it such as funeral, or when I'm watching a tear-jerking story, quietly crying along with family or friends who seem amendable to those moments.
One more final point on crying: How much and/or how often? While sometimes there is so much hurt that you need to cry and cry and cry until you've seemingly processed all the hurt, there are other times perhaps the amount of crying is excessive for the hurt. For example, when a close friend dies, you'll probably cry seemingly endlessly. However, when you drop a book on your big toe, you might cry in pain, but to continue to cry over it for days afterwards might indicate a bigger problem. For me, with the passing of Kobe Bryant and his 13 year old daughter, I shed a tear when I heard and for the next couple of times I read about it. I didn't know Kobe, but the human interest of it was sad. Not enough to disable me, but enough for me to be sad and empathize some. Which leads to a final thought. Sometimes we need to just get it out, but other times it is disabling. If it is disabling for too long, it is probably best to seek professional help. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Rich
* January 26th, 2020 when this blog was started.
