This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
We hear on a regular basis about the privileged class such as Paris Hilton, Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, the Kennedy's and so on. We hear about the mistakes and struggles they go through such as drug and other addictions, unhealthy relationships and just general misery. From those not born with a silver spoon in their mouth, there is often a certain contempt with the 'poor' privileged folks and often times a lack of empathy for them. When that 'poor privileged' people lectures us we are quick to show contempt for them. This is especially true when that class publicly fails or makes mistakes. Disgust/contempt/condemnation can manifest itself as:
Irritation and anger that they would 'dare' tell the rest of us who struggle to make it, how to live. Especially if they've never had to.
Resentment/envy at the advantages or opportunities they have (and are in many cases throwing away). We put ourselves in their shoes and note how if only we had such opportunities how we'd do a millions time better them.
Disgust at them when then when they show themselves as ungrateful for the advantages they have or seem to obtusely complain about their struggles.
Rage when they seemingly avoid consequences for their mistakes and actions that the 'rest of us' wouldn't dream of being able to escape.
I used to be one of the stone throwers and perhaps to a degree I still am, however, a funny thing happened on the way to heaven: I started to see past the common takes, the contempt, and the like. I started to see the 'poor' privileged people as not caricatures, but as real people. That's not to say the privileged class don't earn or should be exempt from scorn heaped on them when they abuse or otherwise take for granted their privilege. It's just to say that "beyond the headlines" there is more to the story or more than a simple take. I'm not sure what got me to thinking about this all except that I was thinking recently about some of the obstacles that I have had to overcome in my life and I realize in some ways they made me stronger. It occurred to me that had I been born into privilege I might have never had the opportunity to grow and develop coping skills. So, let's consider some differences that some of a privileged and someone of a non-privileged class may have in their lives or development: Privileged vs. Non-privileged.
Necessity of Work
Non-privileged: Not an option, if I don't find a way to make money I could be hungry and homeless and may not survive. Therefore, the need to work has helped me develop certain skills.
The need to budget/spend wisely.
The need to choose a career wisely.
The need to keep/sharpen my skill set.
Privileged: Optional possibly. If money is not an issue, there is less pressure to do the following.
Budget/spend wisely. If hard time comes, a person who has never been forced to do this could struggle to survive. In other words, the lack of this skill could be an obstacle.
Make wise career choices. If money isn't an issue, there may not be an urgency to making a focused career choice.
Keep/sharpen skill set. If money isn't an issue, the incentive to do the hard work of 'keeping skills up to date' can be greatly diminished.
Sense of Purpose
Non-privileged: Forced to find a purpose or at least something they are good at. Pride in earning a living can give a sense of purpose. Success in earning a living can also give confidence to explore other ways to have purpose.
Privileged: When the absolute need to work and find a skill is lessened if not altogether removed, it can rob a person of motivation. When you know you'll be fine either way, motivation to succeed has to come from somewhere else (besides survival).
Friendships/Healthy Relationships
Non-privileged: Relationships can tend to be purer or more legitimate
When you don't have excess resources or financial value to offer others, you are less likely to be "befriended" or "loved" based on what you can do for others.
When you have less to impress others with (including fame or popularity), if you are appreciated, it is likely to be based on impressing others.
Privileged: Relationships can be more questionable.
To some extent people are attracted to what others can do for them. If you have means or something that you can effectively trade for money or fame, then you are more likely to attract gold-diggers, hanger's on and/or people who are looking to trade of your fame/privilege.
When you have privilege, people can get stuck on your privilege or seeing you for what you have or offer (worship) than a more honest person to person relationship.
Expectations
Non-privileged: Less likely to have absurdly high expectations.
Success is more likely to be treated as a nice accomplishment rather than an expectation.
Failures and mistakes, while not good, will not tend to be as high profile (and therefore easier to get past).
Privileged: More likely to have absurdly high expectations.
People that come from privilege, especially where their family tree is littered with great achievement, are typically expected to live up to or at least continue the success of the family name.
Pressure to live up to the family name can be enormously stressful.
Failures and mistakes will tend to be more well known or high profile.
Relatability/Empathy.
Non-privileged: Easier to relate to the "average" person if you are closer to their class.
Privileged: If you are not exposed to "average" people, but instead mostly to other "privileged" people, it will be much harder to relate or understand them.
I grew up in a working class family and was the first person in my immediate family and the second person in my extended family (that I knew) to graduate from college with Bachelor's degree. Given obstacles that either directly addressed (or implied) in other blog posts--see Anxiously awaiting - Not just words for some--success has never not come easy for me. But, I was blessed with a good mind and an instinct for survival. I had many opportunities in my early life and early adulthood to hone my survival instincts too. I didn't see it that way back then, but I see it now. In any case, it occurred to me that if I had had everything that I could ever want, I may not have developed a strong personality, I may have found less authentic friendships and I may not have honed well my survival instincts (for when bad times hit). But potentially what bothers me most is that I probably would not have developed a good sense of relatability or empathy.
As any athlete who has ever tasted success knows, you can't develop mental toughness and take your game to the next level without facing and overcoming obstacles--injury, pain, even some agony. As with athletics, in life the obstacles we face give us an opportunity to grow and better ourselves. If we are exempted or protected from obstacles or not required to overcome obstacles, our emotional, mental, spiritual and in some cases even physical growth will be limited.
It's funny sometimes you turn on the radio and you hear a song that you've heard countless time and it speaks to you in a way that it never has before. Today--July 9th, 2015, I heard St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) and it got me to want to step outside myself. It got me a little fired up. Man in Motion was about the story of Rick Hansen and his world tour on behalf of the disabled. In the wiki page for him, it is said about him that: -- In 1980, fellow British Columbian and Canadian athlete Terry Fox, who had lost a leg to bone cancer, undertook the Marathon of Hope, intending to run across Canada from Newfoundland to Vancouver Island to raise awareness for cancer research. He made it from St. John's, Newfoundland, to Thunder Bay, Ontario, before a cancer recurrence forced him to stop, about half of the way through his journey. Inspired by Terry's courage, Hansen decided to undertake a similar journey to prove the potential of people with disabilities and to inspire a more accessible world. But his planned path was far more ambitious: he planned to circle the world in his wheelchair. -- Back to the memes and sayings--what do all these things have in common: In all these memes and songs, we are exhorted to reach for a 'higher place' or calling. But what does that mean when we are underneath the fallen debris and difficulties of life and what is a 'higher place'? To me, a 'higher place' is the potential we have always had locked inside us, but were blocked from approaching it. What are the steps to reaching a higher place?
Recognizing that we aren't where we could or should be.
It is hard to achieve a greater purpose when you are don't realize or are in denial about where you are relative to your potential.
I believe that most people know on some level that they can do more than they are doing now. This self-awareness I believe leads to stress, anxiety and often taking 'self-medicating' steps to deal with it. For example, if you are the underachiever relative to your group, class or family--your circle--and you know that you are as capable as other in your circle are, it is hard to escape or miss it. This often leads to taking steps to 'cope' with your perceived underachievement
Having a mentor, counselor or close friend to relate to and to confer with can help us to visualize goals.
Wanting to achieve a higher purpose.
Not everyone wants to or sees the need or benefit of a higher purpose. Sometimes it takes a bad situation or circumstance to wake us up to where we need to go or that we do need to work on a higher purpose.
In order to reach for higher you have to recognize a suitable or 'reachable' goal(s).
Sometimes these goals are recognized in early life. Sometimes they are recognized in later life.
Sometimes these goals are not recognized all at once, but rather in steps. Though we tend to prefer understanding the big picture all at once.
Effectively this implies long-term goals which house short and medium term goals.
It's important not to get discouraged when the goal(s) haven't become completely obvious at once.
This can require us to learn or practice patience.
Goals can be diverse in nature.
They can be professional goals.
They can be personal goals.
They can be athletic goals.
They can be intellectual goals.
They can be spiritual goals (or all goals can have a spiritual element to them).
They can involve a clear winner.
They can involve where everyone is a winner (betterment of society).
They can be goals that focus on bettering oneself.
They can be goals that focus on bettering lives of others.
Obstacles to the goal(s)
Important to recognize them. If you can't put your finger on what is blocking you, it is hard to remove the blocks.
All obstacles do not have to be overcome or conquered at once. As a matter of fact, trying to do that can often lead to discouragement.
Important to understand the type or nature of the obstacles.
Unavoidable life circumstances get in the way.
Death of a family member, job loss, etc.
These often require time and processing. It is important to allow yourself a break for these, but not to forget the endgame.
Unforced errors/poor choices (purposeful or unintentional)
Can be demotivating or distracting.
We need to recognize that the errors don't define us, UNLESS we allow them to.
We need to avoid pinning the blame on others for why we are not where we need to be. We need to recognize our role in this process.
We need to not let these become an excuse or define us.
Setbacks
These are inevitable.
Once again, they don't need to define us.
Realization that the status quo is so much easier usually.
As they say, any goal worth having will not be easy to achieve.
Often times the status quo takes no effort.
Anyone can fail, all you have to do is not even try. Then failure is guaranteed.
As Imagine Dragons says in It's Time, "The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell right to the top."
Faith being weak/doubting ourselves.
We have to recognize that while God rewards those who reward themselves, He won't usually have achievement or success come easy.
We have to push on towards are goals, but remember that He is ultimately in control and can help us to move mountains if we ask Him.
Feelings as if we can't change and/or what difference does it make what we do.
It is important to recognize this negative self-talk and to replace it with positive self-talk. Not pie-in-the-sky, delusional or completely unrealistic, but still positive.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.
Achieving a higher purpose is not for the faint and often times requires a lot of sacrifice with little reward (at least at first). But, it is important to focus on the One that created us in His own image and realize that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. We just have to do our best and then leave it in His hands.
I made an earlier post about accepting people where they are. I believe a corollary to that one is how we come to our faith. It is Sunday morning and my church called off services this morning. So, I think I will take the opportunity to give attention to my faith and show praise by blogging about faith. (originally blogged on 3/1/15) People have different paths to and different speeds at which they come to their faith. I will share a little about my path and then express how I see the faith of others developing and growing. My path:
Early years-when I was born my mom and dad were going to a Catholic church (St. Sabina). I don't ever remember going to church there, but I was of course just baby. At some point they stopped going, but it apparently wasn't until I was at least 2. I had Guillian-Barre Syndrome at that age and my parents did not know if I was going to make it or not. I obviously did make it, :), but in the process of preparing for the possibility that I didn't, they had me baptized Catholic.
Fast forward a few years later maybe. My dad didn't go to church and my mom didn't know how to drive. She went to a church around the corner from our house. It was a hellfire and damnation church, where you'd go to h*ll for breathing the wrong way. Literally, I was taught the FEAR OF GOD. I remember hearing from the minister's family that Escape to Witch Mountain was devil driven. I call that "uptight religious". I don't remember enough about the movie so I won't comment too much except to say that perhaps it wasn't 100% consistent with Christian beliefs?? However, I really have a hard time believing a Disney Kid's family fantasy movie is trying to undermine the basis of the Christian faith. But, I digress. So, I had my Christian faith "shocked into me" at around 6. I would figure later that that's what I needed.
This below is why I needed that "shock," I didn't have the most healthy environment growing up and I won't go into that as I have previously, but let's just say among other things, from the age of about 8-12 (to my best estimate) I was sexually molested by a man whom my older siblings met at church camp. He was a "church camp counselor" and became a friend of the family. So, along with the other dysfunction that had a destructive effect in my life. I'm setting this up for my later in my story.
At some point my mom stopped going to the church and started going to First Christian Church of Florissant. I don't remember the transition. Anyway, my brother Bill and I in the meantime grew up to become runners in high school. Both the boy's and girl's cross country coaches were Believers and they ran a chapter of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. The coaches let us know about it and an older teammate invited us to come. So, eventually we did. They genuinely cared about the spiritual well-being of their athletes and were there as mentors. Sometimes, just being yourself you can affect the lives of others for generations to come without really appreciating it, but I digress. Anyway, ultimately this lead to my brother Bill and I going to church with my mom, accepting Jesus and being baptized in our Sophomore and Freshman year of high school, respectively.
As you might imagine, life didn't suddenly become easy and problem free at this point. As a new Christian, I was disappointed that other Christian teens weren't always so accepting and warm towards me. But, at the time, I saw them as non-caring. Even at times, I saw some people act a certain way on Sunday, but on Monday-Saturday, a different way. Around that time my dad filed for divorce from my mom.
People, especially young, go through their own battles, teen angst, and their own pace of growth and maturity in their faith. At the time, that wasn't so clear. I was looking for acceptance among whom I thought were my Christian peers and was 'let down'. However, there were a couple people that were there, but in my teen mind, it wasn't near the degree of acceptance or fitting in that I needed, especially given turbulence on the homefront.
I tend to be very intellectual. But, at the same time, I have an emotional/passionate side. So, the disconnect, between behavior and deeds got to me. I don't know how, but I think God blessed me with a certain understanding. 1 + 1 = 2. It doesn't matter if everyone around me acts like, 1 + 1 = 3 in their daily lives, the fact is that 1 + 1 will still equal to 2. In other words, God is God and the truth is the truth REGARDLESS of if others don't live up to their professed faith of it. What I have come to realize is that if you live a life very inconsistent with your professed faith, it doesn't discredit your faith, but it will make you compromised spokesperson for it.
No one can live a perfect life, which I felt awful when I failed, almost hopeless about my faith. What I came to realize is that forgiveness doesn't end when you take up your faith, it is an ongoing process of trying to be a more Godly person while asking forgiveness when you fail.
I transferred to UMR (Missouri School of Science and Technology) and stopped going to church and fell away. It is easy when you are around those who you know from church and those who might keep you accountable, meaning they'll point out when you are not at church. But, what happens when you leave that environment? My faith wasn't strong enough at that point to stay active in the or a Christian church.
Fast forward, I was not happy in my job/life. Not exactly at a high point. A Christian coworker, shared his faith with me, I was polite but in my mind, I was like, "leave me alone". Not that day or not that week, but eventually his words did get my attention. I was about 26/27 and started going back to church and more actively practicing my faith. It was it this time, I gave my second major push for understanding why I believed what I believe. I did extensive bible reading and got a number of books on the foundation, basis, evidence, and rationale for why to believe Christianity. This was an important push as my point below as will be evident later.
Shortly, after going back to church, I had started dating seriously with the intent of eventually finding a mate. After many disappointments, which I may recount elsewhere one day, I stopped going to my church and went to a girlfriend's church. Eventually, when we broke up and I felt homeless with regard to a church and I drifted again. I met my now ex and she not only didn't share my faith, but she didn't seem like she was not open to it as for reasons, I never fully found out. I'm not one to judge a person's faith walk. I feel that is up to God, not me, but as it affected me, we were not even in the same zip code in terms of faith and it appeared that there was no path towards sharing a faith.
We moved in together, then got married a couple years later. This, in hindsight was a HUGE mistake. I should have waited until I got married to move in. But, that's a whole different blog on why I think felt like that was a bad idea. Anyway, so without going into detail, we had a lot of problems in our marriage, I had not yet got counseling for the hurt, dysfunction and the pain of my childhood. I didn't practice my faith like I should have. We were too different to make it in our marriage, but I do have a daughter out of the marriage, so I don't regret the role marriage played in my life. It was a chapter with good points and bad points, but as a friend said it was a chapter and chapters eventually end. I strive the next time for a continuing story rather than a chapter, but I digress.
Near the end of our marriage, I realized how lost I was in my faith and how I wasn't giving my daughter a chance to learn, understand, appreciate and accept my faith. So, I asked one of my childhood friends which church he went to. Eventually that led me to Harvester Church of the Nazarene where I practice my faith today. Currently, I'm working on sharing my faith with Olivia and hope one day she comes to embraces it in the way that she is meant to. Anyway, the previous push I made for understanding the basis for my faith was important here as I am better able to reconnect with it and answer questions my daughter has on Christianity.
In my life, it was important to have the shock treatment of faith given to me early so that my faith would survive the early turmoil and turmoil over the years.
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So, that is my path to my faith. It is a long and winding one with high peaks and steep valleys, but in the end, I am working my way to being where I know I need to be.
As with the previous blog about accepting people where they are, people are in different places in their faith or Christian (Catholic) walk. I believe in God's eyes we are all His children and He is a loving Father. I am of the belief that He loves all his children and doesn't think one is more important than the other, we just play different roles. So, I am not here to judge, but I will let that be His role.
I'm probably missing some paths, but this is my initial assessment on paths to our faith of our adultlhood:
Some people grow up in a two parent household in which both parents are serious in their faith and show it in their everyday life. The kids have a certain luxury of being able to follow their parents initially and the jump to a strong Christian/Catholic faith of their understanding as they get a little older.
Some people grow up in a two parent household in which there are deep inconsistencies such as the following or they grown up in a broken home in which both parents practice their faith. They have some appreciation for Christian/Catholic faith but their are obstacles:
One parent goes to church another doesn't.
One parent strongly practices his/her faith, while the other doesn't.
Both parents go to church for apparent show, but during the week they don't seem to live their professed faith.
The divorce/separation of the parents is inconsistent with the concept of a strong/loving/united Christian household
Some people grow up in broken households or single parenthood in which 'going to church'/Christianity is practiced actively by one, but not by the other (if the other is even present).
Child takes the faith of the active one, but there is a disconnect with the missing parent or parent who is in not active in the faith. This can cause obstacles.
Some people grown up in households (single/two parent) in which a Christian/Catholic faith is rarely if at all practiced.
There is little spiritual basis in the immediate family for the child to grow up with a strong faith.
Ultimately, some have it 'easy' to finding their faith, some have it more challenging and some have it extremely difficult. This also relates to not just having a Christian/Catholic faith, but rather how strong their faith is.
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Ultimately, it is not up to us to judge where others are, it is God's role. If relating your faith to another is important, be aware that not everyone is in the same place, nor will they have the same set of beliefs, and everyone has different routes to their faith. It is important to respect our where each other is and the routes/obstacles each of us has had along the way.
