#MeAsWell, Part 2 - Trauma: The Wild West of Emotions

Paraphrasing what a counselor once said to me: Trauma doesn't necessarily occur when the incident or event happen, it is when you become aware of or start processing it.  His point was that someone can have a traumatizing experience, but the trauma or the impact isn't necessarily immediate.  What follows includes a deeply personal story and if you aren't ready for that, I don't blame you for stopping here. Anyway, I think for a CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) survivor, trauma occurs when he or she realizes how wrong and how violated they were.  CSA can occur when an adult or much older kid wins the trust of a young child and groom them in the process, eventually leading to SA.


A groomer can

• Being a 'good listener' aka 'being there'.
• Showing 'empathy'.
• Be seemingly nice and generous.

This gives the CSA survivor trust in their predator who might then

• Rubbing on a back
• Patting a leg
• Putting hand(s) on shoulder(s) 
• Intense tickling 

As trust is won and the survivor gets used to the 'warm' physical touch, a predator may

• Show too much affection such as forced kissing
• Touch/fondle in inappropriate places
• Engage in sexual abuse at varying levels.

Unfortunately, this wasn't just a theory for me.  In my blog post, #MeAsWell: For What It's Worth, I go into my own experiences with CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) at the hands of at least two males, one of whom was a church camp counselor. I didn't immediately recognize what was happening even when the groomer(s) took it to from a little inappropriate to an unquestionable violation of my person.  As puberty was descending on me it all started to dawn on me.  I had been sexually abused and the ignorance of my youngest years about what was happening gave way over time to many emotions/cognitions:

• Confusion: Why did I allow it to happen?  Why did I tolerate it? Did I 'secretly like it'?  I've over time come to the understanding that I didn't:
• Ask for it.  It was forced upon me.  Not always necessarily physically, but often after by what I realize now emotional blackmail.
• Appreciate what was happening.  I was nowhere near puberty when it started. So, I realize that (and this disgusts me saying this) any positive feelings from the grooming and inappropriate touch early on were mistaken feelings of acceptance.  That is, if he is comfortable 'touching'*** me and being this close then that must me I be likable.  Little kids value and crave acceptance and I was no different.  Clearly my young child psyche was telling me I wasn't getting appropriate type and level of acceptance where I needed it.  Therefore, when a predator threw 'acceptance' at me, disguised as 'caring', I was unfortunately taken in by it.  Mistaking inappropriate attention for acceptance.
• Feelings of Weakness/Shame/How could I have let it happen?  Unfortunately, 20/20 hindsight can be brutal
• As a teenager and beyond I thought to myself how could I let myself be violated like that, especially by other guys.
• Why didn't I stand up for myself and how the hell could I not have realized it was wrong.  In other words, deep shame.
• Anger
• How dare someone use me like that, looking out for themselves. (I believe this is one reason I despise idiot drivers who risk my safety for their own impatience).
• That someone was able to turn my vulnerability on me and take advantage of me.
• That I wasn't protected by those who were supposed to be my guardians.
• Deep distrust
• Those who purported to have cared about me, really didn't and they were looking out for their own 'fulfillment' (at my expense).  One was in a position of 'religious' leader.
• It's a pretty easy step step to default distrust of intentions (even subconsciously) if those who were supposed to 'care' about you proved to have deeply selfish, sick and harmful motives.
• Those who were supposed to be keeping me safe, let me down. So, I have to look out for myself.
• I realize to some degree now, the world was a more trusting world back then.  Priest/teacher/Hollywood producer/etc. type scandals were not in the news. 
• Things like this weren't spoken of.  So, parents I think in some ways were 'groomed' to not be able to appreciate and handle these type situations.
• If there is already dysfunction in the house, it can be distracting from a primary purpose of parents to keep the household (including kids) safe.
• Disgust
• I am disgusted by some behaviors now that I might have just overlooked.  Obviously, seeing a grown-up be 'too friendly' with a kid is one of them.
• In some ways, I am deeply put off by arrogant behavior.  I'm almost in a way disgusted by their behavior.
• I have struggled at times in my life being comfortable around older men, especially if I sense anything 'off' about them.
• Anxiety 
• I'm not going to delve into this one.  I think this one is obvious and it is really in some ways an extension/logical conclusion of all the other feelings/cognitions.
• Powerlessness
• I was pressured, bullied, cajoled, and even though I didn't necessarily always realize it at the time, threatened in other's pursuit of their unhealthy/wrong satisfaction/needs.
• I've heard from other CSA and/or SA survivors that their feelings of powerlessness can get in the way of intimacy.  In other words, if you felt powerless in an area which you should have felt safe--your personhood--that it is hard to give up control or power in that area.  In other words, that's an area which we'd tend to default to trying to 'get back' control.  
• Seeking control can take the form of 'frigidness'.  This means, I won't allow you or anyone into my intimate space.
• Seeking control can take the form of promiscuity.  This means, I am taking back control or at leverage of my intimacy for my advantage as opposed to that of others.

*** I mean more than touch but you know, not an easy thing to share with the world.

In this blog post, I am focusing on CSA because that's the one I'm most personally familiar with (being a survivor of it).  However, I'm aware that other traumas can cause a wide range of emotions.  The murder/death of someone close or the sudden and acute health problems are just a couple.  

I refer this this as "The Wild West of Emotions" as we think of the Wild West as being:

• Tending to be intense
• Often unpredictable in timing and intensity
• Raw, especially emotionally.
• Untamed

I think my own personal list demonstrates this.  I'm sure many others who have experienced significant traumas can relate.  To whomever reads this, I hope you gain a little insight or unfortunately if necessary can relate.  In any case, as always feel free to take what you can use from my post.

Thanks,

Rich

* A personal note.  I think my late brother was a CSA survivor.  Unfortunately, I believe effects of this haunted him in some ways for the rest of his life and help lead to his early passing.  RIP Bill.

When Being Strong is Weak and Being Weak is Strong and Somewheres in Between.

I grew up with an 'old school' dad who passed on or expressed 'old school' ways and ways to his kids.  Now I will only speak as a guy, but from what I 'learned' boys were expected to 'deal' with adversity and utilizing what we call behavioral health--counseling or psychiatry--was showing or admitting weakness.  Now I don't fault him as he grew up in a society or world that blessed that view.  With time and distance from my childhood and his immediate influence, I have a more nuanced view.  For example, I don't think counselors or psychiatrists by definition are quacks--his words--but instead that some are generally effective, some are generally ineffective and some are helpful for some clients, but not others.  But, I digress.  I moved from my dad's old school contempt for behavioral health into a perspective in which utilizing behavioral health can be a sign of strength.  That is to say, not being too proud to admit you or your child have a problem which a behavior/medical professional can help you with.  To me that's strength.  

The goal of this blog post is recognize when purported strengths are actually weaknesses and vice versa.  In many cases a purported strength is actually a strength and purported weakness is actually a weakness, so I will address that too.  

Strength is weakness (examples)

• Doing something on your own, when help is both offered, available and even desirable.
• Initially, it may be desirable to do something on your own just to show you can do it or get past a block--such as writing a paper or story.  This can give you and others confidence in your ability.
• It can become a weakness if you continue to reject help because you can do it yourself.  For example, when you have willing and available help for moving and refuse it in order to show you don't need help.
• Someone does you wrong and you treat them badly and/or reject them completely.
• Obviously you don't hand them out a friendship award for mistreating you.
• Often it is necessary to display consequences for the mistreatment to indicate its not acceptable.
• Excessive payback can make you look small, not strong.
• Excessive frigidness or hostility, instead of displaying strength, can actually show a weakness.
• Inability to respond properly due to unchecked emotions.
• Too much of a focus on making sure to show how strong you are--such as how you don't NEED the other person--can actually be an attempt to hide or compensate for a wounded pride.
• Virtue signaling - that is publicly and blatantly everyone know that you ARE on the right side of an issue.
• Can be portrayed as strength--that is you are willing to take a public stand on an issue.
• Often times it shows a blatant 'need' or desire to be accepted.  That is hoping to be praised for virtuousness.  In other words, it is a weakness that you are relying on or craving public approval.

Weakness is strength (examples)

• Breaking down and seeking help, when circumstances dictate.
• Going to the doctor rather than stubbornly hoping to wait out being sick.
• Going to a grief counselor/group when you've had a profound death in the family.
• It shows that you are stronger than your pride or discomfort at asking or accepting help.
• Turning the other cheek, when you easily could punish someone else.
• It shows that you will not let someone else's mistreatment of you get the best of or rule you.
• It shows that you a the bigger person.  That is you put what is best over getting back at another.  Aka you are stronger than your pride or emotions.
• Often times there will be another time or circumstance to 'respond' to the mistreatment.
• Not saying anything in response to a situation, circumstance or story.
• You don't need the approval you believe you can generate by getting on the 'right side' of the issue.  Your esteem is more deeply rooted.
• You are wise or strong enough to see that sometimes outwardly responding serves no useful purpose and potentially can inflame a situation.
• Holding your tongue rather than caving to pressure to respond (and 'show you care').  You are smart and strong enough to realize that your actions will be a better portrayal of your character than throwaway or forced responses.
• There will usually be another opportunity and way to respond at a later point.

Strength is strength (examples)

• Risking your health and safety to help another out in a life and death situation.  That is overcoming the fear of consequences to you.
• A projection of military might to discourage other nations from threatening yourself or your allies.

Weakness is weakness (examples)

• Continually let someone bully you without saying anything or otherwise standing up for yourself.  It's one thing to turn the other cheek, but it's another to just make yourself out to be a huge and continued target.
• Going to the other extreme and getting 'hurt' over every little perceived injustice or offense.

--

Life will provide you ample opportunities to show your strength of will, judgment and/or character.  Not every circumstance is meant to be an opportunity to display your 'strength' (or weakness).  The most important thing is to seek wisdom and guidance (including from your Higher Power) on how to handle each circumstances.  In the meantime, it is important to be grounded and base your responses more on what is appropriate and less on how they will help you.  I believe in life if your actions or behavior are based on what is right vs. what is convenient, in the long run, you will keep your own respect and more often then not win that of others.