This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
I remember right after 9/11, events were being cancelled, and the things closed up for a period of time, not like with Covid-19, but still. Anyway, the nation was still in shock, we didn't really know what was going to come next and life just seemed surreal. Anyway, 9/15/2001, I went to a Matchbox 20 concert and there was an eerie seriousness in the crowd. The lightheartedness and banter that usually proceed a concert were not there. You could almost cut through the stunned silence. So, the curtain finally raised and what song did Matchbox 20 choose? Why, Time After Time. It was odd choice to me, but strangely appropriate. I think as a nation we were a little lost in the moment and we needed to hear something reassuring. You could almost feel a bit of a shift in the mood. Maybe people held each other a little closer, just realized that they weren't alone in the moment. To me that seemed like one last time we came together as a nation. We can go back and forth as to who is to 'fault' for losing the moment. Maybe, it was unrealistic to move forward indefinitely with that sense of unity and purpose?
I hope one day we can have that sense of unity and purpose again. We can debate whether a (D), (R), (L) or (I) is responsible. We can debate why we lost that moment. We can debate whether a Police Chief, Mayor, Governor, Representative, Senator, Alderman, President or the constant drumbeat of negativity in the news is 'at fault' for why we are where we are at this point. But, ultimately it comes back to each of us. Brick by Brick, House by House, Building by Building, School by School, etc. we can either choose to build up or tear down. We can choose to be part of the problem or can choose to be part of the solution. We have to take personal responsibility for loving our neighbor. Our neighbor may have a brick, maybe we can see if they could use help building with that brick, instead of assuming that they that brick is meant for a window? Maybe if more people asked our neighbor if they could help them build with the brick instead of assuming it is meant to tear down. Maybe we can see if they are lost and looking. Maybe if we are open to it, they can find us 'helping hand' in us, literally "Time after Time".
Bittersweet... You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...
In a previous blog entry, The Fine Line: Failure takes no effort, success takes a lot of work, I observed that failure is a essentially a default position. That is to say, failure comes 'naturally' by effectively doing nothing. Success typically takes a lot of effort. It occurs to me that a corollary of that point is in this life, if we live long enough, we face profound loss. Loss is hard to avoid. Also, even when we gain, it is usually temporary. Even the 'permanent' gains can lose some of their edge. In other words, there is always a degree of loss, even profound loss. However, we don't have to be lost. I will go over my concept--losing everything else, but keeping ourselves--and give what I see as a backstop to looking at life as hopeless. First, losing. On our travels through life many things pass. These are just a few of them:
Most people when they are born, spend a lot of time around one or both parents. We get the attention and love, warmth, the security, the attention of them. In time, as kids get older, their parents realize that they can't just hold onto their 'little one' forever. They must allow their little angel to fly. From the perspective of a kid, it is gaining their freedom. From the perspective of a parent it is the loss of sharing joy and love with their child.
People come and go in our lives. It is hard to lose someone we thought was our friend. Sometimes, it is in a dramatic destructive fashion. Sometimes, people just drift apart. Other times, they just stop reaching out or back to us and we don't know why. Even when it is not a dramatic exit, it the sense of loss is still present when friends just move away or fade out.
Loved ones pass away. It can be the loss of those very close such as close family or friends. It could be a friendly familiar face. It could be a beloved fixture in the background we never got to meet such as Carrie Fisher. Regardless, a passing still has a sting to it.
Our youth, our energy, our health fades. The carefree nature of youth is lost to adult problems to where we miss the romanticized version of our youth.
These things, if we let them, can make our glass seem half-full or less. These things can make us seem like we've lost more than we've gained or have. But, I have learned in a much less dramatic fashion than Job, Anne Frank, or MLK that there is one thing that we can only lose--and therefore feel lost--if we choose to give it away or let it go. That one thing is OURSELVES. We can lose a lot in our lives, but we won't lose ourselves and be lost if:
We keep our self-respect and dignity.
We keep our honor.
We keep our basic sense of fairness and decency.
We keep our sense of who we are (our roles).
We keep our faith and purpose.
But most of all we keep our relationship between us and God (our Higher Power). All else flows from this.
So, let this world and this life try to keep us down. Let this world and this life try and defeat us. We can lose everything, but we are only truly defeated and lost if we lose ourselves.
I guess I've always known that people come in and out of our lives for different reasons, though I haven't always fully accepted it. Sometimes we lose them to relationships ending, sometimes we lose them to the death and sometimes if we are truly fortunate, we keep them for a lifetime. I guess this is sort of a follow-up to a prior blog entry: The reflection across the pond: the connection of the past to the future which we embrace.
It seems cliche, but people do move in and out of our lives or stay in our lives for a reason. I've heard it said that when relationships end, it is like a death where the other is still alive. Of course when our loved ones actually pass on, it literally is a death. Either way, it is easy to succumb to questioning God why? It is easy to question Him, why do we have to feel the pain of loss? The pain of loss may never truly go away, but with His help, often times we can gain a better understanding of their purpose or role in our lives and more importantly a serenity about it. When it is a relationship--friendship, romantic or familial--that ends in a 'divorce', even if it was for the best, I believe it usually leaves a hole in our soul, It can leave us in a state of bewilderment as in what the heck happened. It's as if one day we were close, but figuratively a million miles away from that person, even if they are just up the street. It can be cruel: the closeness we once--even possibly recently-- had has vanished. In a way, the shell of the relationship is like a corpse that isn't buried, but in plain sight. It is easy to focus on the loss of that relationship rather than the purpose or benefit of that relationship had during its lifetime.
The friendship that has faded over time or distance may have served us when we were going through a tough time.
The relationship we had led to new experiences that we may have never had otherwise and/or may have left us with a child.
The family member that has drifted away from us, may have allowed us to gain a better insight into ourselves and/or who/what shaped us in our formative years.
The key here is not to get stuck in the what ifs or why nots, but accept what is. It can feel cruel, but given time to mourn and His help we can learn to appreciate what we gained from those relationships, rather than what ifs or why nots.
I've had friends abandon me and I've been divorced and both situations are painful, but I have been able to look back and see that those friends have often helped during the lifetime of the friendship. Also, I know with my divorce, that though things ended out badly, I learned much about myself, did have some positive adventures, found out what is really important and how to be a better person. Furthermore, I did gain a daughter. In other words, I can move forward, because the relationship, even as it failed, wasn't a total loss. ---
When a relationship ends with a death--even if it is expected, there is a certain shocking absoluteness to it. When a relationship ends in a 'divorce', at least we can humor the concept that one day that the personal interaction or our state of mind will be reconciled at least to a healthier place. In other words, there is a hope even after it is over, it doesn't have to stay awful. Unfortunately, when a relationship ends with a death, it is frozen where it ended. If the person died when we weren't 'at peace' with them, there can be shame associated with letting the opportunity to come to terms with them pass us by. If the person died abruptly, we can be left without really having had the opportunity to say goodbye. What can be especially cruel is if they die senselessly and we, in hindsight, 'should have seen it coming'. Unfortunately, unless we are truly prepared for the passing by death of a relationship, it can take a long time, if ever to truly recover from. Once again, however, after a time of mourning, we are best served by not being chronically stuck in the what-ifs or the 'Why God, whys'. It is very difficult, but instead of focusing on the fact that we will never see that person in this life again, we should attempt to view things this way:
We were fortunate to have that person in our life for as many years as they were. We were never promised any time with that person and the fact that they we got the opportunity to know them has enriched our own lives. In other words, their presence in our lives for as short or long as it was, was a Gift.
If we are confident of their ultimate destination to a better place, we can rest better knowing the person's struggle with the challenges in this life have been replaced with something much better.
The person who had passed typically would not want us to mourn them for too long, but instead carry on. Carrying on doesn't mean forgetting that person, but instead it means remembering them in a healthy way.
Our life in this shell that we call our body is a Gift of the Almighty. Our fall from grace, unfortunately caused us to lose our immortality. Therefore, unfortunately, as sure as the sun rises in the morning and sets at night we will lose special people in our lifetime, so it is best if we can learn to value the time we have with them as we go along and then embrace having had that time with them when they pass. Death may end a relationship, but it doesn't have to destroy the positive memories of it and our serenity indefinitely.
I was broken up when my brother took his life over 4 1/2 years ago, but in his life and his passing, I have learned that he has given me certain gifts that I can never repay. He gave me a great example of a compassionate and kind soul. He gave me an example of a person who was his own person. In other words, it is more important to be true to yourself. He reminded me that when life overwhelms me, instead of retreating, it is important to reach out. Far from being a sign of weakness, reaching out is a sign of strength. Real courage is doing something you need to even when you don't want to, to opening up to those you need to rather than letting pride get in the way.
---
If we are really fortunate in this life, we will meet a handful of special people that stay with us until our number is called--be it a spouse, a sibling, a friends or other. I have come to appreciate these people. These are our true support system. These are the people we bounce our ideas off of. These our the people that give us grounding when we seek to explore the uncertainties of life around us. These are the people we can count on day or night. These are the people we should say a prayer of thanks to the Almighty for. The key here is to recognize these people when they come along and/or a part of our lives.
---
Whether we meet others for a time and they disappear, a time and they pass on or our lifetime, the key is recognize their purpose or role in our lives and accept the time they are in our lives.
I think at times in most people's life they wonder: what am I here for or what is my purpose? Alternatively they may wonder would I be missed if I wasn't here or would the people I know care about me if I couldn't do anything for them? In other words, am I appreciated for who I am or just what I can do for others? Sometimes it's a moment of insecurity. Sometimes it's a stage of sadness or depression. Sometimes, it's an idle curiosity. I believe that some of wealthiest, most popular or famous people actually feel this more acutely. They seemingly have more on the surface to offer. So much so that people around them don't take the time to get to know them. It is easier to enjoy the glow of their fame or the shower of their wealth than to actually invest in getting to know them. Anyway, "Just a Gigolo" captures it perfectly: this sense of lacking purpose, reason and a curiosity if at the end of the day if one is appreciated. In this video David Lee Roth is a singer, a VJ, a showman. After recording a clip of "Dave TV", he has a small gaggle of people coming up to him looking for something from him: one needs David to autograph paperwork for her kids while the others seem to be yes men seeking to leech off his fame. Anyway, he wonders what he would do if he could do his own video. In the video he knows that he has something to offer--his companionship--and that will keep him busy and give him the false sense of being appreciated while he is young. But, in his heart, he know that won't last. In his heart he knows when he grows old, he won't be able to count on even that to keep him feeling appreciated. In a sense, he wonders will anyone care about him when he apparently has nothing left to offer. It is really quite sad. He puts on a show with pizzazz with flair and apparent sense of fun, but in a way that just masks a sadness that he feels about his real value. ---- What it has meant to me at times in the past: Am I appreciated for shallow reasons--to provide a service or meet a shallow need of another? Or am I sincerely appreciated for who I am and/or do I have a larger purpose? ---- What I see it can mean: Does my employer appreciate me for the value I add or am I just a paid gun for hire to be disposed of when they've got what they needed out of me? Just some idle thoughts. Anyway, my daughter and marriage family helps me to realize that life just wouldn't go on without me.
