Confirmation bias: When self-confirming becomes self-righteousness or self-loathing.

I previously wrote a post that touched upon what I refer to as negative narcissism (Positive narcissist vs. negative narcissist vs. balanced view).  Anyway, the upshot of it was that what people see as narcissism is someone who believes his or herself as beyond real criticism.  They are so focused on presenting a positive image of themselves to themselves and others that they cannot engage in legitimate self-reflection.   The idea of a 'negative narcissist' is someone who is so stuck on the idea that they are a bad person or devoid of positive value that they cannot or will not be able to legitimately be able to self-reflect either.

I decided to take this a step further based on another concept: confirmation bias.   I understand that to be taking events or circumstances and using them to further or confirm your point of view, even if it is not an accurate reflection.   Most of the time, I think it is used to confirm our thoughts on others.   That is, we have an opinion or take on someone(s) and something happens surrounding or involving them and that just confirms what we already 'know'.  For example, say we had a conversation with a friend that doesn't end on a good note (or at least that's what our perception is).   Say we don't hear from the friend for a few days, we might take the lack of communication as our friend being mad at us.  The reality might be a little different.  The friend might have just been venting and had to get off the phone abruptly.   In the meantime, he or she might legitimately be overwhelmed with work or family.

However, I thought about it the other day and realized we confirm our biases about ourselves too.   If we are a classical narcissist we notice an investment of ours is doing well.  We might already think of ourselves as very smart and savvy, warranted or otherwise.   Our observation that our investment is doing well is just a further confirmation to us how brilliant we are.   The reality might be that it is an up market and most everyone is doing well, but why bother us with the pesky facts.   Effectively we would be using confirmation bias to support our self-righteousness or self-praise.  Likewise, with a 'negative narcissist', a person thinks so little of his or herself and isn't inclined to entertain any positive feedback or point of view about themselves, that her or she will use circumstances or situations to 'confirm' how awful or irredeemable they are.  For example, we may be involved in an accident and the evidence points to the other driver being largely at fault, but we may have such a negative view of ourselves that we may decide independent of the evidence if we had just left earlier when we 'should have', the accident would have never happened.  In a way, we are blaming ourselves for the accident.   Effectively we are using confirmation bias to support our self-loathing.

My takeaways are the following:

• Confirmation bias is not always directed outward, though most of the time I believe people think of it as such
• Confirmation bias, whether directed inward or outward, is never a good substitute for proper reflection on circumstances.

Just my thoughts.  As always, if someone or someone(s) can get something from my posts, I feel like I've accomplished my role.

- Rich

The reflection across the pond: the connection of the past to the future which we embrace.

Kristi,

A funny thing happened on the way to getting married to you last weekend.   I remembered the past as a reflection in the water.  I was standing on one side of the water, but looking down and across the pond, I saw a reflection on the other side of the water.  In that reflection, was my old life.   My old life had some good points and some not so good points, but the reflection was quite clear to me.

Just recently Nancy Reagan passed away at the age of 94.  It seemed like just yesterday that her husband Ronald Reagan had passed away not too long before to great fanfare and mourning.  But, it was really actually near 12 years ago.   Twelve years ago was a very different time and a place in my life (as I suspect it is for many people, including my wife Kristi). I was in a different relationship, my daughter hadn't been born yet, three of my late family members were alive and well, I had my old house and enough hair to justify not shaving it yet.  In short, I had a relatively simple life and had yet to experience some of the darkest moments.   But like a reflection, it wasn't as 'solid' and carefree as it seemed.  The storm clouds were always there waiting to disrupt the reflection, but they hadn't yet evidenced themselves.

Little did I know, that withing a few years, I would have a daughter, my former relationship would reveal itself as having a weak foundation, and just about everything else I took for granted would change in a my life.  Much of what seemed permanent and important then, now I know to have been temporary or passing and unimportant.  But, so it is with life's rich experiences.  You don't always have a sense of what really is until long after the fact.  However, looking back you realize that if you had looked closely enough, you'd have seen the storm clouds and recognized things for what they really are/were.  Maybe that's why wisdom is more often associated with older people.  Older people, have had the opportunity in many cases to experience that carefree optimism, but also have seen much of that optimism struck head-on by life's storms.

But, I digress.  I have come to recognize that when facing life-changing events it is inevitable to do reflecting and perhaps some soul-searching.   Since the day I met you, you have always has been one to not only accept me, but to understand me and enjoy me for who I am.  I hope you can say I provide the same.  After a moment or two to consider the reflection in the water, I realized that it is okay to remember and if necessary mourn the losses of  the soon-to-be old life, while embracing the new life with you and your kids.  We can't and shouldn't worry about relitigating the past, but we can and should embrace the future God has put forward to us.

I wave goodbye to the reflection, but that doesn't mean I will forget it, it just means I choose to embrace the unknown future with you, my lifetime partner.  But, I embrace it with the the hard earned wisdom of what love is truly all about.  I intend to use the wisdom God had blessed me with to embrace the new life He has set before me.

Love,
Your husband Rich