Closer to Me: Breaking the deadlock.

I don't know if I stumbled upon it while listening to music on YouTube or if I heard it when I was listening to XM radio in my car, but I heard a song that I hadn't heard in a while: Get Closer by Seals and Croft.   It's funny thing about songs: You can listen to them over and over, over time and like the sound as played and sang by the artists, but not really "hear" them.  I found that to be the case the case with this song.

This song is a little melancholy.  It hear a bit of a pleading.  He's wanting to be close to with his significant other, but he doesn't seem to be able to do at the current time.  It's like he needs some give from her.   It's like they are in a rut and he can't put himself out there for her until he knows it is 'safe' for him too.  Below is some of the lyrics.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to love, love only you, then love only me.

Darlin' if you want me to see, see only you, then see only me.

There's a line, I can't cross over. It's no good for me and it's no good for you.

And there's a feelin', deep down inside me. I can't explain it and you're wondering why.

You say we've been like strangers, but I'm not the others you can wrap 'round your fingers.

There's a time, I when I would come runnin'. I'd drop everything for the touch of your hand in mine.

...

...

...

It seems like people hit that point in various relationships--friendship, family, couple relationships, etc.   People hit a rut or a point which they are stuck and can't seem to get past.   Sometimes that ends the relationship and sometimes it keeps it from growing or deepening.  

Why do we get to that point?

•  We let our fears get in the ways
• Sometimes this is justified.
• You've been hurt.  
•  Mistreated or subjected to abusive behavior.
•  By the involvement of another.  Pretty self-explanatory.
• You've been gossiped about or undercut.
• It could be involving someone else in the family or a friend in the circumstance.
• It could be by minimizing or shutting down the other or not taking their opinions, thoughts or concerns seriously.  It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but sometimes it is a sense of being heard.
• Sometimes it is not justified.
• You've been hurt by another close to you and instead of treating each person invidually, you find yourself 'fighting the last battle'.
• You are so concerned that if you don't intervene, that a problem or concern won't be addressed properly.  Once again, if you've been let down by another who failed to live up to their role or part, it can be easy to 'take control' and not want to risk that happening again as an example.
•  We let our resentments get in the way.
• If we've feel like our concerns have not been addressed or not been taken as seriously as they should be, we can just stop engaging them and resent them sometimes outwardly. 
• If we've been hurt or let down by another, we can get stuck in cycle where we focus more on the unresolved issue or the thought that the issue will show up again than how to move forward.
•  We let our pride get in the way.
• I believe what we see portray as fear or resentment, really could as much hurt pride as anything.
• If we've put ourselves out there with another and been disappointed, let down or hurt, our pride can tell us 'I deserve better'.  Sometimes that may be true, but often times it fails to take into account our role in the circumstance.  I addressed this in It's just you and me and we just disagree... 
• Sometimes it is easier to keep an "arm's length distance" from another than to put away our pride or to risk further injury to it.

So, I've talked about the causes, but what about the solution?   I don't claim to have all the answers, but I do have a few ideas.

Where there is a deadlock in a relationship:

• Set down your weapons. 
• It's hard to expect another to feel like it's safe to engage if they have the sense that engaging will lead to conflict or dissent.  
• Sometime we just have to acknowledge to the other that you are a 'safe space' for them.  This is as true when dealing with kids as other adults.  
• If you 'set down your weapons', they are more likely to do the same. 
• Show a little give or be willing to offer a lifeline.
• If someone feels like all the effort to resolve the impasse is coming from them, eventually they will tire of it and it probably won't end well.
•  If someone is struggling to find footing with you and you offer them only folded arms and not a helping hand, it's a bit difficult for them to want to engage you.  Why would engaging with another and risk falling on your face when dealing with another, when you have a choice.
• Failure to do so can come across as lack of empathy or contempt.  I think this is probably common in co-parenting relationships.  You have to deal with another when you don't necessarily want to.
• Doing so could help them to feel at least a bit of a friendly connection.
• Agree to disagree
• Sometimes, you just have to decide you'll never agree on a certain issue.  You have to decide if it is a "hill on which you die" or if it is something you set aside out of respect for the larger relationship.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, have not had enough time really consider the issue.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, are amendable to the other's point of view, but they have to 'grow into' at least accepting that point of view.

I don't claim to have all the answers and sometimes what I write are ideals that I am not perfect in implementing.  However, I at least hope to give others food for thought.  Please take from my blog post whatever you might find useful and/or what may apply.

Thanks for reading,

Rich 

Relational Awareness: Being Aware of Your Relationship Surroundings.

Time and time again, I've heard that one of the keys to a successful marriage is communication.   It sounds good as an open line of communication is good in any relationship--friendship, professional, parent/child, sibling etc.  However, what does that mean in practical terms?   I've thought about that from time to time as I have explored or considered ways to improve the various relationships in my life.  I never could find the words to express it however.   I finally stumbled upon a phrase which captures it for me: Relational Awareness.

What I am talking about is: how to be yourself, but also be a good partner, friend, parent, sibling, etc.   I'll start by exploring (from my perspective), what I consider the unhealthy relationship personalities.

• Co-dependence 
• It can look like selflessness or thoughtfulness, but in reality it may be anything but that.
• The co-dependent may truly and actually sacrifice, but often for the wrong reason or motivation.   Often the difference is subtle.
• The codependent may truly be sacrificing, but it is hopes of gaining approval or in some cases just keeping the peace.
• Behaviors/actions may be guided by a desire to keep (or make) the other party happy, not because it is the best course of action.  In other words, minimizing yourself in hopes of being approved of.
• Ambivalence
• Expressing mixed feelings or sending mixed messages.
• Caring about the other person, but not necessarily being fully invested.  
• It can at times appear one partner doesn't care about the other, but in some ways it might actually be caring too much, just not always showing it do to being in a conflicted state
• Narcissism
• Can play out in a few ways.
• Obvious indifference to the other.
• Actions/behaviors undertaken are taken without regard to what is important to your partner.
• To the extent it seems like a narcissist cares about the other, it is usually based on subtly manipulating them for advantage.  Examples can include:
• Being the 'helpful' or 'generous' one, when the real goal is to gain allies in quest for position.
• Offering to buy a home security system or installing security on electronic devices when the goal is to monitor or keep track of another.

I'm sure this is not a complete list, but really my larger point is this: What characterizes good communication.  When I speak of communication, I don't just mean things spoken, but things unspoken too.   Each relationship personality type, is an example of what DOESN'T lend itself towards good communication.  

--

It occurred to me, a couple can best succeed if they have what I call relational awareness.  Some of the characteristics I see in relational awareness.

• Being willing to step outside yourself and be willing to see others through a filter not your own.
• Thinking of an alcoholic as a selfish jerk who doesn't care about others, when he may be a broken man who lost his family.
• Thinking a kid who doesn't do their homework is just lazy, when the truth is the kid is struggling and is too embarrassed to ask for help.
• Taking into account the other's circumstances/background in how you relate to them.
• This doesn't mean letting relating to them completely on their terms as that can diminish your own self/needs.
• Adopting their point of view (POV) or way might in some circumstances be beneficial anyway.
• In other circumstances, adopting their POV or way may not be beneficial, however, being respectful of it can be helpful.
• What it means is finding a way that respects both people's needs.  Your need to be 'heard' and their need for a type of communication which is healthy for them.
• For example, a partner who grows up in a household beset by yelling and fighting.  That partner may respond poorly to yelling and fighting.
• You work to see if the partner can unpack what bothers them.  
• That doesn't mean never show displeasure at the them.  Instead, you might consider different ways to get the same point across before losing your cool and/or you might consider whether the issue is really worth losing your cool.  In other words, reserve or limit your 'loud' hostility to really important 'battles'.
• Being willing to accept that there people have a way that works best for them and respecting that instead of trying to 'fix it'.
• That doesn't mean you never provide or show an alternative way.  It can mean putting it out there, but not insisting.
• It means that they may not be open to an alternative way at this time and considering whether it is an important enough point or issue to conflict on.
• Realize that sometimes people come to the same conclusion in different timing.  It may just be they need to internalize another way as their own before they embrace it.
• Being willing to consider that people have different ways of communicating and learning to accept it in many cases and work with it in other cases.  For example...
• Some people need to talk it out as they process.
• Some people need to heavily process before they talk it out.
• Some people talk out only what they consider the important things.  When the 'important things' are agreed upon, the little things will tend to fall into place better.
• Some people like to talk out what could be deemed as less important.  The 'big picture' is made up of countless 'little pictures'.

In short, it doesn't mean just conceding to the other person, but it does mean 

• Accepting that other points of view can and often do have legitimacy.
• Accepting that even if your way may look better objectively, their way may be better for them or better for them at this time (in other words, it may be something that can be worked on, just not forced upon them).
• Accepting that some battles just aren't important enough.  In other words, you can disagree without being disagreeable, especially if their intent is good.
• Accepting that a relationship is a work in progress.  Like any journey in life, the moment you think you've arrived, you stop growing.

If communication was easy then the country would not be awash in marital counselors.   If it was easy then people would never fight.  If it was easy the divorce rate would probably not be as high.

To me this is really an extension or expansion of my prior post about 2D vs. 3D relationships.   It is important not just knowing things about the other person, but really having a sense about what makes them tick and trying to work with that knowledge.

Jut my 1/50th of a $1 for the day.

Cheers,

Rich