Thought Solitude: Isolation or a "Safe Space"

I've noticed in my life that some people are so outgoing that they describe their life verbatim on Facebook or to anyone they run into.  Others, it is like pulling teeth to draw them out of their cocoon. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum: Out times outgoing, at other times reserved and at other downright introverted.  This leads me the saying above.

No one can live in the spotlight 24/7/365.  We all need downtime.  We all need time outside the public sphere where we can let our guard down and be ourselves.  Typically, we find some of this time around our family and friends.  They are familiar with us as we are familiar with them.  If they are good for us, we can be our goofy selves around them and reveal private thoughts we wouldn't share with the public at large.  In a way, they can be a testing ground for our idea.  If we throw something by them and they give it a thumbs down, it often means that what is on our mind isn't ready for public consumption.  If they give us roaring approval of our thoughts, well, that can give us confidence to take our thoughts public.  In any case, even among our family and friends we don't always want to immediately if ever want to share certain thoughts as they could be a bit disturbing, a bit too "ate up" or just not fully formed.  In this way, our secret life aka secret thoughts have a 'safe space' to reside in while we contemplate whether to reveal them.   The $64,000 question is this: when we are keeping thoughts to ourselves is it healthy?  In short, are we isolating or retreating into an internal 'safe space'?

I guess it really depends in some ways on the content of the (secret) thoughts in question and/or the volume of thoughts.  For example:

• If we keep most every thought to ourselves, especially if we never reveal them, that would seem to indicate that we are isolating.
• If our (secret) thoughts are dark (too blue or too disturbing), then we are probably isolating.
• If we are hiding most of our thoughts, worried about how we are going to come across, we are likely isolating.
• If we don't feel like we have anyone we feel that we can talk to and therefore keep our thoughts to ourselves, that may be isolating.  

On the other hand:

• If we had the loss of someone close in our circle (family/friends/coworkers), it may take some time to process our thoughts and therefore, we need a 'safe space' in our mind to process them before we know how to express them.
• If we have a random devious or rude thought from time to time, having a space where we can internally process it is helpful as it can be harmful/hurtful  to stream of conscience speak, at least until we can determine whether it is just a little off or very inappropriate.
• We are busy and haven't had time to unpack our thoughts, keeping our thoughts to ourselves--a thought safe space--can be useful until we have time to process them.

Ultimately, I believe if we take time to get to know someone or ourselves, we typically know whether we are isolating or whether we are just using the 'safe space' of our mind to process our thoughts.  Ironically when we isolate from others, it makes it harder to tell if their quietness is due to safely processing there own thoughts or if they are isolating themselves as well.

I guess the takeaway is this.  If you love and care about someone, take time to know them, but just as importantly makes sure you provide the best ear you can for them.  This is even more true when the someone you are talking about is yourself.

Just my thoughts for the day.  Cheerio 

-- Rich 

One final thought, if we have been shut down, ridiculed or abused by a significant person in our life--spouse, older sibling, parent--- especially early in our life, it can cause us to isolate.  That is to say, the important things in our life we won't discuss as we have been taught it is not safe to.  In this situation, our trust of that person and possibly others will likely have been shaken.  In a sense, by keeping our thoughts to ourselves, we are retreating to a 'safe space' to protect ourselves, but in another sense, we are isolating--with cause.

Unfortunately, I've seen this in my own life before and that of others.  When a loved one doesn't allow you to be yourself and say the things that are on your mind free of consequence, they are setting the relationship up to fail.  Your thoughts won't disappear, they will just be driven underground and resentment can build up. Anyway, this lead can lead a person to search for others to themselves around--sometimes in a healthy way--friend/minister/counselor--and sometimes not so healthy way--partner outside the marriage, someone who doesn't have the family's interest in mind.

The long and short of it is this: the best way to keep a relationship open is to allow the other to be themselves as much as possible even when you don't agree with them.  The best way to destroy a relationship is to shut the other down is to tend to come down on the other when they are being themselves.

Just more thoughts.

-- Rich 

Comfort zone and communication

When we think of the term "comfort zone", we may think of a place in which we are lacking courage.  In other words, a place in which we would rather stay than take a chance--a safe space of sorts.  For me, last fall (Fall of 2014), stepping out of my comfort zone was skydiving.

When I think of comfort zone (zone of comfort) in a relationship, I often think of it as a place or a space we provide a loved one to be his or herself.  In a way, we are giving them permission to be themselves or to figure things out without pressure, fear of recrimination, ridicule, or shame.

Gabriel García Márquez "Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life"

Our public life is self-explanatory.  Our private life is things we share only with family or friends close to us.  In a way our "secret life" is our super private life.  In our 'secret life', we have thoughts, feelings, that we 'dare not share' with anyone out of shame or fear of consequences.  This is what I see as our "secret life".  It can be thoughts that are too out there, embarrassing, or rude; feelings that we are uncomfortable sharing; bad choices or mistakes we want to just hide out of fear of humiliation/shame or things we are trying to figure out without undue pressure or fear.  In short, these are thing things that are just generally between us and God.

It's funny, we can do something embarrassing like lock our keys in our car or have a mild 'tragedy' like have a fender bender and we'll talk about it with others readily, but some thoughts/ideas/mistakes are so uncomfortable that we just really would rather trip and fall on our face, stub our toe or run into a wall rather than sharing them.

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Someone who truly loves you, be it a BFF or a significant other, will allow you a comfort zone (or zone of comfort) in which you can express your 'secret life' without fear of pressure, abandonment or recrimination.   Sometimes what you have to say might be difficult for the other person to hear.  It may be something they are uncomfortable thinking about or an thought, answer or non-answer that they aren't satisfied with.  You name it?  For example, you might need to admit a weakness, like an addiction to/or desire for booze, gambling, overeating, pain meds, porn, etc. or you may have thoughts that you think are out there.  The natural instinct is to avoid these subject matters rather than deal with consequences--real or perceived of expressing them.   Someone who truly loves you will make it clear that he or she will not pressure you, abandon you or leave you hanging when you express your 'secret thoughts'.  As a matter of fact, often time they, sensing you need to talk, will open up the dialog and give you a sign that it is safe for you to express yourself.

In my own failed marriage, I felt like my ex and I never really truly established this zone of comfort.  More often than not, when uncomfortable things came up, we ignored them.  When we didn't ignore them, it seemed like we ended up not giving each other enough space to be ourselves.  It is hard for a relationship to thrive, if even survive in such an environment.  From my perspective typically without a zone of comfort, resentment can build up and eventually something will give and it won't be small or pretty.  

In a way, the inability to provide a zone of comfort is a sign of codependency.  We either need our significant other to be someone who they aren't due to our own insecurities or we are so worried about 'saving the relationship' that we won't do anything that could 'jeopardize it'.  The irony of it is relationship dances like these really don't save a marriage, but instead tend to delay the inevitable while the relationship is hollowing out.

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But, I digress.  A zone of comfort is a special gift you give to someone you love.  It can mean putting aside your own insecurities to listen to them and/or help another with theirs.  It can mean doing serious listening when you want to speak instead.  Effectively it is allowing another to be vulnerable around you.   In a way, this is part of the hard work of a successful relationship.

HOWEVER, for those still not convinced that it is completely safe to put yourself out there with your significant other, I have a few tricks:

• Blame it on the 'script'.  As we know, we are following an invisible script.  So, I just say, well I had to say it, it was in the script.  However, you must be prepared to show said script later.  ;-)
• This is the more risky tact, but blame it on the 'insane' voice in your head.  Say, "I didn't want to say it, but the insane voice in my head kept telling me too."  This is the 'little devil on your shoulder'.  Granted this may scare the other person away, but at least you'll amuse yourself.  ;-)

Just my thoughts on providing a comfort zone for communication.