Guilt: The pain that endures until...

I was watching a movie recently during the "Great Pandemic of 2020" that really caught my intention.  In the movie Bounce, Ben Affleck's character, Buddy, meets a random traveler, Greg, in an airport.  A chance encounter really.  After their brief interaction, Buddy realizes he has something that could help Greg--a ticket on their flight that Greg was bumped off of.  Now, Buddy has his own motives.  He has meet another fellow traveler whom he's hit it off with and wants to hook up with.  Besides, as the lead advertising exec in charge of the airline account, he'll just get a free flight the next morning.   This seems like a win-win-win for all parties UNTIL the flight that he got Greg in on crashes killing all the passengers.  Buddy realizes that it 'should have been him' and feels guilt for giving Greg the ticket on the ill-fated flight.  Buddy realizes his cavorting had saved his life but inadvertently led to family-man Greg's death.  

I think there is a time in everyone's life in which they question their choices, behaviors and things they've ignored, overlooked, blew off or missed.  When there is harm or pain for another at the end of these circumstances, I believe it reveals itself as guilt.  According to Shelly Webb of the theintentionalcaregiver.com, the big difference between guilt and regret is intention.  She says,

"The difference is that guilt is felt when what you have done was intentionally done to cause the other person harm or pain in some way.  Regret is felt when you inadvertently caused pain or harm (perceived or real) to someone and that you wish you could change the past."   As a practical matter for the individual with these feelings there only may be a marginal difference in the significance of the two.  Yes, maybe I didn't mean to cause any pain or harm, but I did and the practical outcome is still the same.  Someone else ends up harmed or hurt, intentional or not.

In the movie, Buddy knows it should have been him that died in the crash.  So, he has has survivor's guilt.  No, he couldn't have stopped the plane from crashing, but he could have kept the ticket.  In his mind, he'd have taken on the harm, instead of 'allowing' Greg and his family to face it.  In my own life, I've talked about survivor's guilt a few times.  My late brother texted me that "I think I am dying".  Now, he'd been having trouble coping with financial and relationship difficulties as his financial future looked bleak and he felt there was no one for him.  He had felt like he had been a failure and he didn't always feel like he had the emotional support system.  I had been having a rough time in my own life at that time and told myself that it was probably him expressing hopelessness and not literally dying.  Authorities found him later in his apartment and due to circumstances couldn't exactly pinpoint exact time or cause, but based on their best guess and circumstantial evidence surrounding his passing, there is a reasonable chance that may have been his one of, if not his last conversation.  Yet, I did not give it the attention that it needed.  I knew he had been deeply depressed and I had been worried about him, but I'd seen him make it through rough patches before after 'disappearing'.  I have literally been saddled with guilt over this the last 9 years in some way over it.  I know my own circumstances were getting very dicey, but I felt that I 'knew enough' that I should have known better and checked on him and not let it slide.  In other words, I'd have put aside my present hardship at the time and given him the attention he needed.  I felt guilty about selfishly 'ignoring' him.  I realize now it is more regret than guilt, but you know, that's like closer to 8 than 9 on the 1-10 pain scale of 1-10.  Either way, it is very painful.   But, I digress.

In Bounce, Buddy seeks out Greg's widow and tries to help her out on the quietly to pacify his guilt.  Nothing truly works  in assuaging his guilt until he faces it head on.   I've come to realize the same.  Maybe, Buddy should have thought more with his heart than libido, but than again, if they thought the flight was risky, they'd have never flown.  So, how was Buddy supposed to have known?  It could have easily been Buddy's later flight that went down in flames.  Maybe I should have been a 'more focused' on my late brother's bad vibe, but I know sometimes life gets in the way.   I've seen people be able to bounce back from feelings of guilt quickly, I've seen them take years to bounce back and I've seen people never really bounce back.  I think for me, I am finally facing it head on.  I'd like to share a few takeaways I have learned and am learning in the process.

• We have so many interactions in our lives.  So, many circumstances or situations.  There is literally no way we can get it right every time.  
• Much of the time the consequences of 'failing' is relatively speaking small.  You miss your kid's appointment, miss their concert, etc., it is upsetting.  But, it is not like beat them without mercy,  but instead disappointed them.   It's upsetting, but it's not fatal. 
• Occasionally, the consequence is huge and tragic.  Maybe you shouldn't have known he or she was too tired to drive.  However, if they'd cheated sleep before, it may have given you a false sense of security that it didn't seem to be an issue of concern.
• Ironically, I got this early on.  I said to my daughter's mom that one day something will happen to our baby no matter how hard we try and we'll feel bad about it.  My big concern was not a parent fail, but just limiting the size of the inevitable.
• It's hard to accept, but effectively what is at play here is that we can't control everything.
• Invariably, the one time we let up or let things slide is when the bad circumstance will happen.
• The 'one' time I didn't immediately check on in on a loved one, things went sideways.
• The one time you let someone talk you out of taking them to the ER was the one time it was more serious that originally thought.
• It is easy to forget the times in which we did get it right or didn't 'fail'.  We ignore those times and beat ourselves up.
• I did positively intervene when my brother was struggling and helped him, giving him hope for longer than he otherwise would have had.
• You have always attended your kid's concerts before faithfully before.
• You have saved the day multiple times at work already. 
• Sometimes we just have to take care of ourselves.
• You could literally spend all your time worrying about a situation, but sometimes it is not completely in our control and we can't spend all our time stressing about controlling it.
• Sometimes, our situation requires our attention.  If we aren't healthy enough for ourselves, we probably won't be healthy enough to help another.
• Ultimately, we can't fix everything.
• Accepting 'defeat' or helplessness can be a tough pill to swallow.  This is especially true if we pride ourselves on being a fixer or problem solver.
• Many times the circumstance we feel guilt about it is not totally in our control.
• We could have told our loved one to see a doctor or maybe we didn't think they were open to hearing it.  Ultimately, only they know how they feel and ultimately and it is their call.
• We could have done an intervention, but there was the risk of alienating our loved one and losing any ability to communicate.  So, we choose a lighter footprint, hoping it works out.

Maybe my words, might right true for some.  Maybe their circumstance my differ?  Either way, guilt is a pain, which when not properly addressed, can endure indefinitely.  In any case, I hope someone or someone(s) have found my words and experiences helpful.

Thanks for reading,

Rich

Survivor's guilt, thriver's guilt and the unbearable lightness of being...

I was talking with a good friend one time about why people feel guilty about being the one who makes it.  By that I mean the one who survives or the one who succeeds vs. the one who passes away or fails.  I see it as "survivor's guilt" and "thriver's guilt" respectively.  We also discussed the concept of "lightness of being"--something which I feel few people ever learn to appreciate or hold onto if they do come to appreciate it.  To me that's a sense of being carefree.


Anyway, I will delve right in by first introducing the concept of guilt over being the one who makes it.

• Survivor's guilt -  I'm not going to delve into this concept too much as I feel it has been explored.  But when someone close to us passes--naturally or not--especially if they are younger, we feel like we could have helped them somehow, that they didn't 'deserve' to be the one or that somehow we contributed to their passing, it is not uncommon to feel guilt over being the one that is left behind.  Much of the time, the guilt is misplaced:
• It is easy to second guess how you could have 'helped' another after the fact, when the 'evidence' or problem is more clearly obvious.
• No one 'deserves' to die per se--except for maybe those convicted of a capital offense. It's a natural part of life however.
• Even if you somehow contributed, it probably wasn't intentional.
• It doesn't seem fair that a younger person, especially our kids would go first.

Next comes the person who succeeds and who sees others who have not:

• Thriver's guilt - This is a term that I thought of.  I'm not sure if it has ever been used before?  Anyway, the concept behind this is that I believe there are successful people who feel guilt over the fact that others around them are not thriving.  It's like they somewhere in the back of their mind they feel that they don't 'deserve' to be doing well, while others are suffering, even if they have done nothing to cause or lead to the suffering of others.  It can be feeling guilty about having opportunities that others did not have.  That is wondering why they are fortunate to have a leg up.  This can persist even if they take the opportunities provided to them and work hard to be successful.   Here are some of my thoughts on 'thriver's guilt'.
• People have no choice to decide to whom and what situation/circumstances they are born under.  
• It is proper to be thankful to your Higher Power (God) to be born into a family which is thriving and/or has opportunities.
• It is proper to want to help or look for opportunities to help the not-so fortunate.
• It is not proper to feel guilty about being born into opportunities, but instead by grateful and take full advantage of the opportunities you were given.  Guilt over squandering opportunities can be very appropriate.
• People usually have some amount of choice as to how to deal with the situation or circumstances they are born into (or raised in).
• In some cases, others are less fortunate due to poor choices they've made.  However, often is the case, that they are less fortunate because they have less opportunities.
• In some cases, others are more fortunate due to hard work they've done.  They were given the wisdom or had the opportunity to be positively influenced by others in their life.  Therefore, with hard work, they've raised themselves out of a bad situations.  In many cases, they are more fortunate in spite of poor choices they've made. We've heard stories of the kids of rich being rescued, enabled or protected by their parent's money. 
• Once again, if you've worked hard to succeed regardless of where you started out, there is no reason to feel 'thriver's guilt'.  However, if you've succeeded in spite of yourself, then a little perspective or 'thriver's guilt' isn't a bad thing.
• If a person has succeeded by working hard and doing right by others, regardless of where in life they started, then it is not appropriate to try to shame them into feeling guilty about their success. Nor is it appropriate shame them into feeling their success is undeserved.  What is appropriate is reminding them that not everyone has the opportunities they had and to remember that and be helpful or charitable where they can.
• It is not our place to judge others like that.
• If a person is raised properly, they are more likely to respond when encouraged to be helpful to others than being shamed into being helpful.  
• Encouraging them to spend time with helping the less fortunate is also a better way to reach their sense of empathy rather than trying to shame them.
• No one likes to live in shame and even if it works for a while, an eventual backlash is probable. 

Now the final subject, people who are at ease with themselves and their lives/relationships:

• Lightness of being - When I think of that term, I think about not having a care in the world. In reality, a lightness of being is a place of serenity.  It is a sense of ease in your own skin.  It is a place where you are at peace with your Higher Power (God).
• It can be a place in our lives that is hard to reach and/or is fleeting. 
• It can take a lot of effort--praying, meditating, introspecting, pausing to observe.
• Circumstances happen which lessen or destroy our lightness of being, but we don't have to live or stay in the circumstances, no matter how bad they are.
• It can be a place we reach not because our life is problem free, but because our perspective has become better.  That is to say, we see the glass as half-full more than we do half-empty.
• We see our problems are not as big as others or even as we had originally thought.
• We are able to see a gratitude list in our mind, rather than a list of complaints.
• Perhaps it is because of misfortunes we've endured and are past.
• Perhaps it is because we see others with less fortunate circumstances.
• It can be a place we reach when we see the value we can offer or our significance in life
• In other words, it is as much spiritual as it is emotional or mental.
• If we are able to see our role or place in this world, even if it is tough one, we at least have an anchor to hold onto.

I guess my take away from the whole subject is:

• Survivor's guilt - Is a place that we can visit, but not a healthy place to stay.
• Thriver's guilt - We shouldn't feel guilty for our success if we've put hard work into it.  Not everyone will succeed to the same level and there is nothing wrong with that.  It is when we  don't appreciate properly and respect our fortune that we need to be reminded of it.  It is important to appreciate the means and/or tools that God blessed us with and to bless him back by helping the less fortunate.
• Lightness of being - A fleeting place which takes some work to achieve and stay there and is based on our outlook and spiritual well-being as much as anything.

I don't always know if what I write is meaningful or helpful to others and I know everyone's experiences are at least somewhat different.  So, take what helps you from this post and leave the rest for others.  

Cheers,

Rich

* I got the title from the novel "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" which posits some interesting existential questions which I let you click on to explore.