Has It All Been Done?

Recently I went to a concert where Barenaked Ladies opened up for Hootie and the Blowfish. After the concert, while waiting for traffic to file out of the parking lot, I put them on rotation on my iPod touch. One song of theirs caught my attention. It was called It's All Been Done. In the song, the lead singer sang about the different stages of a relationship. It was memorable because he absurdly put it in a history of the world context. He met this lady during the fall of Rome, he next runs into her 'Before the West Was Won" and ultimately he expects to see her again (at least on TV) on the 30th Century "Price Is Right".  He wonders how he'll react as she runs down the aisle--will he cry or smile? I have found that memorable stories often has a bit of dramatic flair, absurdity or exaggeration to it. It tends to make the story more engaging and memorable. Anyway, in his musical/lyrical way, he did bring up a good point. How do you know when a friendship or relationship has been played out?

Sometimes it is as clear as the ocean water on a sunny day. I remember one time ago, I was in one of my first serious long-term relationships and I hear the song, "Breakfast At Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something. I had dated before that, but I hadn't really had what I call a long-term relationship. Anyway, I remember being overcome with sadness and a few tears. The song had crystallized what my heart and soul had been slowly putting together. The relationship I was in had pretty much run its course. Interestingly enough after I saw her with someone else, I cried for a moment. But, a funny thing happened after that: I slept on it and woke up and my heart and soul felt lighter. Sometimes I hear the song and it might bring me a little sadness. But, I realize the sadness is not a pining for a 'lost love' so much as remembering the general pain of that moment years ago. Hindsight had long ago brought me to the conclusion that she was definitely not matched up well for me and that I was as more in love with the idea of being 'in love' than I was actually in love with her. I'm sure anyone who is remotely romantic and has had any experiences with relationships can relate. Interestingly enough, she moved to Texas, but before she did she had a baby with her new guy. She called out of the blue and let me know and invited me to see her child at the hospital. I could have cared less at that point, but you know, it's one of those things. At that moment, I wasn't busy, I wasn't dating anyone, and she seemed to want to share the news with 'friends'. She didn't seem like she had many friends, so I thought what the hell. Anyway, that's the last time I saw all three of them. It was cordial enough, but one thing I remember thinking is this: I wonder what the boyfriend thought about her inviting me? She still thought of me as a friend apparently, though I had long ago moved on past even that. In any case, I felt like I did my good deed for the day and moved on.  Back to the song, it had been clear when I heard it that we were over and that all that was left was one of us saying, "let's be friends" which to me usually means I am being too polite to say, "I really don't want to see you much if ever again".

 Back to the main point at hand? When do you know a friendship or a relationship has played out? I guess for me, here are some tells, IMHO.

• When you struggle to find things to talk about.  
• I realize that relationships aren't about constant conversation, but it is not about awkward silence either.   Though the ability to hang out together comfortably, talking or not is most important, conversation is important an necessary. 
• I felt that way one time with someone I had dated.  I felt like when we talked on the phone, I had to carry the whole conversation.  In other words, if I was quiet, there was more often than not an awkward silence.  Unfortunately, this was a reflection at large of the relationship.

• When there is never a happy middle ground.
• Always fighting can get in the way of reaching it.
• Aggressively advocating for your POV isn't a bad thing and if it is called fighting, that's not necessarily a bad thing.  I mean fighting without downtime or just fighting because you don't want to concede to the other person.
• One party completely checks out and doesn't ever get their way.
• One party feels defeated and doesn't fight for his or her position.   
• This may at first appear to be a 'victory' to the other party, but it eventually shows up as a disconnected relationship.
• Both parties check out and neither really get their way.
• At this point it is more of a peaceful coexistence, not a partnership.
• This situation if left unchecked will lead to a complete drift and eventual breakup.

• When the goals of the relationship are too different or there is an unwillingness to at work with or engage.
• In the song, he wondered if "she'd be bored if he played the same three cords".  This spoke to me that there was a contentment on his part for status quo, whereas he felt that his partner might get bored with the status quo.  In other words, each person wanted something completely different out of the relationship at that point.
• People can have different relationship goals, like but if there is an inability or unwillingness to engage at least some of the other person's interests or goals, then they really are pursuing their own separate lives.
• In other words, they have different expectations of what they want out of the relationship and they are pretty well disengaged in the other person's life too.

I'm sure others can come up with signs that a relationship has been played out, but those are three signs that come to mind for me.   In keeping with this, I don't think that necessarily being 'too different' can kill a relationship, it is an unwillingness to find common ground, meet your partner somewhere in the middle or engage what is important to them that would ultimately make a relationship be played out.

The laughter that masks the tears and general coping mechanisms.

I've observed over the year that people have different ways of coping with pain that comes from the loss--whether it be a person, pet, life they used to have, etc.

Lately, I've become more acutely aware of the role of laughter as a coping mechanism and will address it more fully.  However, I will address the coping mechanisms I see.

Sometimes it is a fine line, between healthy and unhealthy.  For example, anger can be a necessary component of processing, but too much can be poisonous or destructive.  Similarly, relationships can give us comfort from pain, but shouldn't be a mechanism to completely avoid it.

• Negative Emotional coping
• Sarcasm 
• Sometimes it can be funny, but sometimes it can be very hostile.
• Very often a detached way of expressing true feelings.  
• Can be anger masked by a veneer of 'witty'
• Anger    
• Can be healthy, a stage, a part of the process.  e.g., Anger at a loved one for not taking care of his/herself and/or leaving behind a mess when they pass away.  
• Too large of a dose of it at once and/or too extended of a dose can move from simple venting to self-poisoning.
• Bitterness
• Often reflected in sarcastic tones.
• Can be anger that has hardened.

• Cathartic/Comforting
• Sadness
• A general feeling of blue.  
• Often characterized by the inability to 'move'.  Emotional molasses.
• Depression
• Sadness that has hardened to the point of almost a numbness. 
• Deep emotional molasses.
• Crying
• The pain becomes so acute, that it literally hurts to keep it in.
• Releases the toxins or poisons from our body
• Release endorphins.
• Laughter
• Can be finding joy where little exists.
• Can be making the best out of a rough circumstance
• Can provide a faux happy appearance where there is real pain waiting to be released.

• Faith/Spiritual/Relational
• Prayer
• Reaching out to our Higher Power/God.  Asking Him to take away or give us the tools to better manage our burdens.
• Meditation
• Pushing out the negative energy.
• Focusing on the positive.
• Counseling/Writing/Sharing
• Working through to the cause/root of the pain.
• Determining what is real/valid and what isn't.
• Discussing/hashing through the steps of healing.
• Friendships/Relationships
• Can be like our own personal counseling.
• Can give us a reprieve from the pain.
• Can let us know that we have support.
• If we rely solely on them to cope, we may be excluding effectively taking other steps to work though/deal with our pain.

• Destructive/Addictive coping
• Drugs/Alcohol
• Relying on a chemical to deal with what we should be processing.
• Destructive to progress, physically unhealthy and can be deadly.
• Relational
• Relying on addiction to other people--real or 'imaginary'-- affairs/porn.
• Reaching so heavily and often for it can suck the productive life out of us.
• Circumstances/Things
• Compulsive gambling, compulsive shopping, hoarding are examples.
• Expensive and drain us of emotional/necessary physical resources
• OCD behaviors
• Eating disorders, excessive cleaning are some examples.
• Time consuming and can in some cases be physically damaging.

I am sure there are many more ways of coping.  But those are the ones I readily see.  As I indicated I've become more acutely aware over time of the role of laughter in coping.  A sarcastic, condescending laughter is the way a narcissist might deal with pain/loss.  A nervous or excessive laughter is often a way of 'laughing vs. crying'.   In each case, there is a feeling of acute or intense pain.  In the one case, you may be avoiding displaying pain by pushing it out into laughter.   It can appear as being cheerful or happy--sometimes wittingly and sometimes unwittingly--but often is really a way of avoiding the vulnerable appearance of crying.

I well known saying is that "Laughter is good for the soul."   But, if it is a way of avoiding the other necessary coping mechanisms, it can be a nice storefront to a rotting soul. 

That being said, by all means I encourage people to laugh until their heart is content, but make sure it isn't completely at the expense of crying, praying, writing, meditating, etc.