Not so beautiful trauma

It was nine years ago to the day that the police found my brother deceased in his apartment deceased.  A fuller story is in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother.  Anyway, we had been very close at times and had always had a connection.   He'd been fighting depression and I'd been getting bad vibes that he was struggling to hold on.  But, the life is kind of funny.   The people and things in life seem to be constant and 'always there' until one day they aren't constant and aren't there.   I had an inkling that he struggling.  Enough of one that I threatened to have a wellness check done on him if he didn't call back imminently--which he did.  He called back and said he was okay and acted like I was overreacting.  It wasn't too much later that I got a cryptic text from him saying, something about "feeling like I am dying".  He'd spoken figuratively before and I was going through a life crisis myself.   I took it as, "I'm dying inside" or "I feel like dying".  I little time passed and I got distracted by my own life crisis.  He literally had made himself invisible to family for extended periods and I'd occasionally show up unannounced when I couldn't get a hold of him.  So, I wasn't too shocked when I hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks.  I now understand that when facing depression, sometimes the last thing you want to do is to show your hurt to those closest.  I speak on my understanding of the subject matter in Depression: It Ain't Over 'Till It's Over.  His words may have been a final cry and I'll never know for sure.  That has haunted me since.  But, I have realized over time you can't save everybody despite sometimes valiant efforts.

 Obviously, the day he was found was in some ways the worst of my life in some ways.  Anniversary number 1 of his passing wasn't easy either.  It has generally been easier every year.   However, for some reason, it was harder this year.   Maybe it was the stress of work deadlines and the pandemic and all that involves?  In any case, it got me to thinking about his life, my life and the dysfunction we grew up in.  Someone he know from college had given me a gift, albeit a painful one, her memories of him.  I didn't see him much when he went away to college.  So, she give me a bit of picture of his life away at school.  She related that even back then she knew he was hurting more than the average kid who moves away for the first time to college.  Anyway, talking about it with her and others reminded me of something I'd figured out along the way.

When we have unprocessed hurt, our tolerance or ability to take more hurt is lessened.  Think of it like this.  We are a 16 ounce glass.  Life's daily struggles can fill our cup part of the way.  If we have a lot of unprocessed hurt, our cup may be well on its way to be full.  So, add life's daily struggles and it can get close to the top.  Now, add a particularly rough period and well you know the rest: the cup cannot take on any more.  For some people, it results in alcoholism.  For others, it can result in gambling, etc.  But, for the really hurt ones, the cup seems to find a way on the grounded shattered in pieces with the contents lost forever.

We may make it and recover from that rough period.  I survived a his passing, losing my house, losing my job, bankruptcy and my dad's health failing.  But, like him I had been scarred in the early years and the period immediately before, during and after his passing had it's own troubles, though I was able to start processing a lot that I hadn't previously.   Anyway, you survive the hurt/injury, but like a broken elbow that heels, it isn't quite the same.  The limb has healed as much as it can and you have 'full' use of it, but it it's not the same.  There may be weakness or scarring.  You may be aware on a fairly regular basis of the injury, but you don't necessarily focus on it.   However, you bang that elbow and the pain from the original injury and/or scarring will be front and center again.

I think hurt, especially that which isn't fully processed or 'healed' is like that.

• You know it's there, but it is just there and not really interfering with your daily life.
• You run into a situation or circumstance that reminds you or brings it front and center, and you feel the pain all over again--just not necessarily to the original degree.
• You retreat or find something to take your mind off it until it subsides.
• You get back to your everyday routine again and it recedes until the background.

However, sometimes just like the cup that has never been fully emptied, there is always a bit of a risk of it overflowing.   You may never get that cup fully empty and that may be your cross to bear, however, it is never too late to continue to process hurt where it exists.  It is never too late to look for opportunities to heal.  The big key is a willingness to work through it and building a good support system.  As we've discovered more and more during this pandemic, people are social creatures and we thrive on good support systems.

I guess my takeaways are:

• We can't stop 'traumas' from happening to others, but we can be there for others after and provide them a support system.
• Sometimes we have to face our own 'traumas' head on.  
• In our recovery from traumas, it can be hard to get rid of the hurt that sometimes hides away.  However, it is best to address the hurt rather than just 'take a couple aspirin and sleep it off'.

If you know my blog you know I always end with a song and this song is screaming out to be included.  I have always liked her music because she faces pain and hurt head on in her music and lets face it, she's a very talented songwriter and singer.  She was hurt in a profound way by her parent's divorce at an early age and she found a way to turn it around into a positive (see Family Portrait).  A funny story: one time we (my girlfriend at time and I) were relating to a guy serving us about her concert and he intimated to me later how it was a brave thing to take her to a 'chick concert'.  I had to laugh as it was actually me that pushed us going to the concert.  I could have corrected him but why bother.  I don't have to answer for my taste.  On a related note, I'm proud of my late brother for being himself.

#MeAsWell, Part 2 - Trauma: The Wild West of Emotions

Paraphrasing what a counselor once said to me: Trauma doesn't necessarily occur when the incident or event happen, it is when you become aware of or start processing it.  His point was that someone can have a traumatizing experience, but the trauma or the impact isn't necessarily immediate.  What follows includes a deeply personal story and if you aren't ready for that, I don't blame you for stopping here. Anyway, I think for a CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) survivor, trauma occurs when he or she realizes how wrong and how violated they were.  CSA can occur when an adult or much older kid wins the trust of a young child and groom them in the process, eventually leading to SA.


A groomer can

• Being a 'good listener' aka 'being there'.
• Showing 'empathy'.
• Be seemingly nice and generous.

This gives the CSA survivor trust in their predator who might then

• Rubbing on a back
• Patting a leg
• Putting hand(s) on shoulder(s) 
• Intense tickling 

As trust is won and the survivor gets used to the 'warm' physical touch, a predator may

• Show too much affection such as forced kissing
• Touch/fondle in inappropriate places
• Engage in sexual abuse at varying levels.

Unfortunately, this wasn't just a theory for me.  In my blog post, #MeAsWell: For What It's Worth, I go into my own experiences with CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) at the hands of at least two males, one of whom was a church camp counselor. I didn't immediately recognize what was happening even when the groomer(s) took it to from a little inappropriate to an unquestionable violation of my person.  As puberty was descending on me it all started to dawn on me.  I had been sexually abused and the ignorance of my youngest years about what was happening gave way over time to many emotions/cognitions:

• Confusion: Why did I allow it to happen?  Why did I tolerate it? Did I 'secretly like it'?  I've over time come to the understanding that I didn't:
• Ask for it.  It was forced upon me.  Not always necessarily physically, but often after by what I realize now emotional blackmail.
• Appreciate what was happening.  I was nowhere near puberty when it started. So, I realize that (and this disgusts me saying this) any positive feelings from the grooming and inappropriate touch early on were mistaken feelings of acceptance.  That is, if he is comfortable 'touching'*** me and being this close then that must me I be likable.  Little kids value and crave acceptance and I was no different.  Clearly my young child psyche was telling me I wasn't getting appropriate type and level of acceptance where I needed it.  Therefore, when a predator threw 'acceptance' at me, disguised as 'caring', I was unfortunately taken in by it.  Mistaking inappropriate attention for acceptance.
• Feelings of Weakness/Shame/How could I have let it happen?  Unfortunately, 20/20 hindsight can be brutal
• As a teenager and beyond I thought to myself how could I let myself be violated like that, especially by other guys.
• Why didn't I stand up for myself and how the hell could I not have realized it was wrong.  In other words, deep shame.
• Anger
• How dare someone use me like that, looking out for themselves. (I believe this is one reason I despise idiot drivers who risk my safety for their own impatience).
• That someone was able to turn my vulnerability on me and take advantage of me.
• That I wasn't protected by those who were supposed to be my guardians.
• Deep distrust
• Those who purported to have cared about me, really didn't and they were looking out for their own 'fulfillment' (at my expense).  One was in a position of 'religious' leader.
• It's a pretty easy step step to default distrust of intentions (even subconsciously) if those who were supposed to 'care' about you proved to have deeply selfish, sick and harmful motives.
• Those who were supposed to be keeping me safe, let me down. So, I have to look out for myself.
• I realize to some degree now, the world was a more trusting world back then.  Priest/teacher/Hollywood producer/etc. type scandals were not in the news. 
• Things like this weren't spoken of.  So, parents I think in some ways were 'groomed' to not be able to appreciate and handle these type situations.
• If there is already dysfunction in the house, it can be distracting from a primary purpose of parents to keep the household (including kids) safe.
• Disgust
• I am disgusted by some behaviors now that I might have just overlooked.  Obviously, seeing a grown-up be 'too friendly' with a kid is one of them.
• In some ways, I am deeply put off by arrogant behavior.  I'm almost in a way disgusted by their behavior.
• I have struggled at times in my life being comfortable around older men, especially if I sense anything 'off' about them.
• Anxiety 
• I'm not going to delve into this one.  I think this one is obvious and it is really in some ways an extension/logical conclusion of all the other feelings/cognitions.
• Powerlessness
• I was pressured, bullied, cajoled, and even though I didn't necessarily always realize it at the time, threatened in other's pursuit of their unhealthy/wrong satisfaction/needs.
• I've heard from other CSA and/or SA survivors that their feelings of powerlessness can get in the way of intimacy.  In other words, if you felt powerless in an area which you should have felt safe--your personhood--that it is hard to give up control or power in that area.  In other words, that's an area which we'd tend to default to trying to 'get back' control.  
• Seeking control can take the form of 'frigidness'.  This means, I won't allow you or anyone into my intimate space.
• Seeking control can take the form of promiscuity.  This means, I am taking back control or at leverage of my intimacy for my advantage as opposed to that of others.

*** I mean more than touch but you know, not an easy thing to share with the world.

In this blog post, I am focusing on CSA because that's the one I'm most personally familiar with (being a survivor of it).  However, I'm aware that other traumas can cause a wide range of emotions.  The murder/death of someone close or the sudden and acute health problems are just a couple.  

I refer this this as "The Wild West of Emotions" as we think of the Wild West as being:

• Tending to be intense
• Often unpredictable in timing and intensity
• Raw, especially emotionally.
• Untamed

I think my own personal list demonstrates this.  I'm sure many others who have experienced significant traumas can relate.  To whomever reads this, I hope you gain a little insight or unfortunately if necessary can relate.  In any case, as always feel free to take what you can use from my post.

Thanks,

Rich

* A personal note.  I think my late brother was a CSA survivor.  Unfortunately, I believe effects of this haunted him in some ways for the rest of his life and help lead to his early passing.  RIP Bill.

First World Level vs. Third World Level: An Alternative View of Traumas

Recently, my old cell phone effectively stopped working.  I immediately looked for and bought a new one, but I was without a working cell phone for the better part of four days.   For most adults and many young people in our society, a cell phone is a virtual 'necessity'.   We've structured our lives around having a portable phone that acts as a tablet, camera, teller, map, etc.  It was an inconvenience of course, but I tried to keep things in perspective.   That is to say, me being without a cell phone for a few days is literally nothing compared to the daily struggle to get the basics and in some cases survive that some have in the third world.  In other words, my problem was a "first world problem".  In the third world, many have little but the clothes on their back and a struggle to have enough food.  So, the idea of being inconvenienced by being without a working cell phone for a short period of time doesn't register as a 'problem'.  Literally, a cell phone is a beyond a luxury for them.  To me, it is a problem as I've structured my life around having one.  To someone who worries literally where their next meal will come, being without a cellphone wouldn't even register.

I've been around people who have had or dealt with kids with severe behavioral issues.  It's seems more often than not there is/are underlying trauma(s) associated with them: child abuse/child sexual abuse, alcoholism/domestic violence, loss of a parent, and so forth.  Obviously, these kids are at risk already.  Then there are some people seem to live a charmed life.  They are raised in an intact nurturing family where their family is not shattered by early deaths.  They seem to do well in school, they have a good job and the 'American' dream.  In short, apparently 'trauma-free'.   As I've gotten older, I've realized that even people who appear to have the 'perfect family' growing up and a good life have will eventually face real traumas, but I digress.

Back to the point at hand. What is a trauma?  According to the the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.  Tramua is:

• noun Serious injury to the body, as from physical violence or an accident.
• noun Severe emotional or mental distress caused by an experience.
• noun An experience that causes severe anxiety or emotional distress, such as rape or combat.
• noun An event or situation that causes great disruption or suffering.

In other words, it can result from something as basic as a friend turning on you or as complex as years of physical and sexual abuse.  It can be caused by a one-time acute event such as rape or a bad car accident or it can be caused by years of gaslighting.  In the worst situations, all of the above type causes could have contributed to it.  In other words, there is no simple one-sized fits all circumstances definition of it and cause of trauma.

Throughout my life, I've heard people discuss their traumas or that of those around them.  It reminds me sometimes of the "when I was growing up" discussion a bit.  In other words, a bit of a pissing contest as it were.  This takes me to the concept of first world vs. third world problems.   People who grow up in a third world society would probably be grateful for some of the conveniences we have such as running water, a good sewer system, reliable power, plentiful food, reliable transportation.  Yet, in the society in which I live, people can feel put out if we have to pour money into repairs on our autos, if we are stuck in traffic for an extended period of time, if our electricity is out for a number of hours, if we are without our cell phones for a few days, etc.  I've always understood this to be first world problems vs. third world problems.  In other words, more existential or severe than annoyances.  Yet at the same time, the 'first world problems' are real and can cause hardships.

Back to the point at hand, people in their lives have trauma's.  They can break a bone, can have a friendship end suddenly, can fail a course or at worst can have an elderly relative pass away.   Those things matter and should not be dismissed or minimized to nothing.  However, these are 'typical' traumas that everyone has to face anywhere in the world.  They all matter and they all wound us at least a little, but just like a first world problems are an inconvenience, "first world traumas" are less likely to cause long-term physical and/or psychological damage.  In other words, these type issues aren't as likely to be long term disabling ('existential') traumas. In short, these are traumas of lesser magnitude.

A young kid can have a parent die abruptly or see a parent repeatedly subjected to domestic violence, a women (or man) can be subjected to a brutal physical or sexual attack or long term sexual trauma, a person can get permanently injured or disfigured in an accident.or something of this magnitude.  I call those 'third world level' traumas.  These are traumas of serious magnitude.  Just like 'third world problems' tend to be existential problems, 'third world level' traumas are traumas that are likely to cause significant long-term physical and/or psychological damage.  That is to say, these are traumas of a greater magnitude and sometimes existential.

When we discuss 'first world', we think of less harsh than 'third world'.  I felt by comparing traumas like this, it could help give some perspective.


I guess my overall point is this:

• All traumas, big or small, are worthy of attention, whether it be to the friendly ear of a favorite parent/sibling/friend, whether it be in the office of a grief or trauma counselor or somewhere in between.  God hears all prayers, big or small.  If He can do so, perhaps we can offer the same to those around us.
• Some traumas while hurtful are relatively 'easy' to recover from.  In a number of weeks you can fix a broken bone.   This to me is an example of 'first world' level or magnitude trauma, for example.
• Some traumas are so profound that they defy easy recovery.  A soldier subjected to life and death surrounding him, especially for an extended him may not just be easily able to come home and resume his/her 'normal life'.  A kid subjected to physical or sexual abuse may take year to unwind and process it all.  This to me is a 'third world' or extreme level or magnitude trauma.
• We need to understand and appreciate the traumas people have had to face, but keep them in perspective.  That's to say not dismiss what we consider small traumas, but realize that not all should be dealt with the same amount of care.

We can measure problems in our life by comparing them to those who are less fortunate in many places.  This doesn't discount our problems, but it can give us some perspective.  Comparing will not make our problems go away, it can allow us to appreciate that while things are rough, they could be much worse.  Similarly, I believe we can measure traumas in our life by comparing to others who have gone through worse.   Comparing will not make our 'lesser' traumas insignificant, but it can allow us some perspective to realize that they aren't the end of the world, just maybe a bit rough.

Just some thoughts going into the New Year.

Happy New Year 2020

- Rich

Stop lights versus flashing yellow lights

Time and time again when I've run across (and gotten to know) people who have engaged in or are engaging in 'reckless' or 'destructive' behavior, I've discovered, learned or been told that they have been the subject of a significant trauma in their life.

I've known alcoholics and drug addicts who were abused (sexual and otherwise) at a young age, I've run across others who unexpectedly lost a close family member at a young age and have struggled.  I myself was sexually abused at a young age and at times made poor decisions likely tying back to that.  But I digress.  A friend of mine explained in simple terms what animates such a person.   Stop signs (lights) vs. a flashing yellow light.

Imagine being at a busy intersection and running into a stop light.  Well, unless we want to risk a ticket and/or an accident, we will almost always stop and wait for the light to turn green before we proceed.  Now imagine that intersection having a flashing yellow light--which means proceed with caution.  Most of the time we will proceed with caution, but there will be that time or two in which our impatience at the seeming endless procession of traffic will eventually wear our patience thin such that we 'just go' and in the process cut off someone (and occasionally cause an accident).   If shown a video of what happened we may be shocked at our behavior, but at the time the other cars seemed 'far enough away'.  In short, something in our mind and heart disabled usually good judgment.  Now to the person behind us who by virtue of their position realizes that he or she isn't going anyway, our poor judgment seems puzzling.   He or she wasn't quite in our shoes as he/she didn't have to make the turning decision yet. To him or her, how could we have missed the obvious traffic that was approaching us as we were deciding make the turn.  In short, our poor decision-making seems puzzling as it was 'obvious' to them that we shouldn't turn at that point.

In a way, that sort of describes those with hangups, addictions, and addictive tendencies.  To those around them: Isn't the destructive nature of an addict's behavior obvious?   I mean anyone can see that it is foolishness to cash your paycheck and head to the casino.  It's foolishness and dangerous to risk injecting or snorting that dose of heroine.  It's ridiculousness to go to the strip club and give away our hard earned money to the dancer who shows positive attention (at a price).   I believe many people with hangups like these at one point did see a stop sign (light) when hearing about or thinking about that type of destructive behavior.  But, imagine an unimaginable: Your life being turned on its head by a harsh or unexpected trauma.  While, we'd all like to think that after facing tragedy or traumas that we'd keep our wits, our good judgment, our wisdom, the truth is we can't really say for sure until we are in the situation. 

Imagine being a kid or a young adult if our parent(s) do(es) all the right things to be stay healthy, but end up being struck down tragically by sudden illness or an accident.  While we might not say it, but in the back of our mind, we are likely to think, wow, why bother taking care of yourself as you could end up just like them. 

OR

Imagine being taken advantage by ones you are taught to trust as a kid.  After that, it could be hard to believe that those who are supposed to have our best interest in mind actually do.  

In a way, instead of the distinct decisiveness and firmness of a stop light, such events could lead us to question the stop light, maybe if it is truly even there.  Such events could cause us to see the stop light as more of a proceed with caution or flashing yellow light.  In a way, such events could cause us to question what is passed off a given.  In a way, such events could cause us to wonder if making the choice we are expected to (waiting for the light to turn) will matter anyway.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share what someone told me once and how I received it.  I'm hoping that others might take a little of what I share and find it useful.  But, either way, I march on with my blog.

-- Rich