Certain about Certainty...

I had a relatively certain life for the first decade of the 2000s.   I had my first house for most of the decade, I had steady employment for whole decade, all of my immediate family was still alive and I would regularly hang out with the same set of friends and my credit was good, and when I had my daughter in 2007, I saw her every day.

One by one, each of the dominoes fell, first my company announced they were closing down the local office, the my first marriage was disintegrating before my eyes, then my brother took his life,  my marriage for all intent and purposes ended shortly thereafter leading to the loss of seeing my daughter daily, the loss of my house, eventual bankruptcy and the passing of my father and mother as the 2010s got well under way.   Suffice to say, my sense of certainty had been shattered.   I've had other periods of uncertainty in my life which I can draw upon as well, but I digress...

I've heard from, observed and read about others about certainty and uncertainty in their lives and I've come to realize not everyone responds in the same way to certainty.  Likewise, not everyone responds the same way to uncertainty.

• If your life has been riddled with uncertainty.
• You may long for certainty and become comfortable with it and finally at ease when you feel it.  Some people just long for the 'day' in which they can feel stability.
• You may be very uncomfortable with certainty and struggle with accepting or believing it is authentic.  In other words, adapting to it may prove difficult.  
• The ironic thing is often the ones who longs for certainty may be the same people that don't believe or recognize it when they start to experience it. 
• It is almost as if they've faced uncertainty for so long that they are just waiting for the other show to drop.
• In some cases they can sabotage the positive certainty they have so that they are left with the the 'certainty of uncertain' or negative certainty that they are used to.
• It may feel like the 'normal pace of life'.  We can be comfortable with what we know even if it is far from perfect--like a well worn shoe.   See the third point about sabotage.
• It may feel like a positive driving force.  Uncertainty can be a motivator. 

• If you have always had certainty
• A lack of it at points may be scary or threatening.
• It can lead to feelings of  monotony, boredom or purposelessness.  That is it may feel same ole, same ole and/or stale.  
• It may feel like you've never really taken a chance or risk.
• You might be too afraid of upsetting what you know to take a chance.   Another way of saying this is you might become too complacent.
• You might feel the need to take a chance before the opportunity slips away.
• Spontaneity or uncertainty may feel like an exciting change of pace.  
• It may make you feel like you are truly alive as opposed to just living.
• It may feel like 'stepping outside the lines' or moving the boundaries rather than just 'coloring within the lines'.

• If you've had a life-changing events which shattered your certainty.
• It could either push you harder to seek or keep certainty in other areas.
• In my life, my daughter saw less of me due to a divorce.  When she was around me, she stayed close for a while rarely straying too far from me.  She had terrible separation anxiety when I dropped her off at child care.
• Situations that previously would have appeared to have certainty, you would tend to question their certainty (or relative permanence).
• You have a loved one unexpectedly die, the other things you took for granted as 'permanent' such as living somewhere, you may expect that will change as well.

Ultimately, I believe at some point we all realize life is full of uncertainty.  Even when we think we have it figured out, we eventually will get thrown a curveball which will give lie to the myth of certainty in our lives.  As a Christian, I believe we have hope for ultimate certainty if we accept God's will, way, and grace in our lives.  We may not have the certainty we wish for in this life, but I believe that in the next we can have that.  But, in the meantime, we have to learn to accept and perhaps live with the uncertainties in this life.   Of this, I am certain.



- Rich

We'll Get Together Then: Uncertain, Intending To or Humoring Others?

It's a bit of a running joke with my circle that I say "We'll get together then" when I mean we will talk or hang out in the not too distant future.  As you might figure, it's from "Cats In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin.  I only say that to those whom I want to keep in touch and/or hang out with.  I could just say, "we'll be in touch" or "we'll have to get together", but then that wouldn't be ironic would it?

In a prior blog called "Art of the Apology: Saying sorry without meaning it.", I touched upon the concept of humoring others with your words rather than being sincere.  In that case, it was about how and when people say "I'm sorry" when they don't really mean it.  I wrote it after I'd had enough of  'corporate' apologies.

When we make such open-ended pronouncements such as:

• We need to get together.
• We'll be in touch.
• Let's do lunch sometime.
• We'll have to keep in touch.
• Let's plan on getting together.
• Let's pick up this conversation at a later point.

or some other variant, I think three--not necessarily--mutually exclusive scenarios or 'reads' are playing out.  They are as follow:

1. We likely will, but we have to figure when out when the schedule permits.
2. We intend to, but life can get in the way.  We may or may not, but it is our intention to anyway.
3. We know it is unlikely (and perhaps even undesired), but we don't want to be rude and just flat out blow each other off.

The thing that makes human interaction so complex--sometimes fascinating and sometimes frustrating--is trying to gauge our audience and what they expect or need.  Does our audience need brutal honesty or do they need hope when there is at best uncertainty?  The wrong read (and accompanying verbalization) can be the difference between keeping a loved one close and alienating them.  So, let's explore the three scenarios or reads:

WE LIKELY WILL, BUT 

• We make open-ended pronouncements that mean this when:
• When the other person(s) are VERY important to us.
• We like the other person(s), but we cannot commit to anything at the particular moment.
• We have to check or schedule or consider our availability.
• We definitely want and fully intend to.
• We are asking the other part(y/ies) to hold a 'place' for us in their life. It can be asking a lot.
• If we really mean this by the pronouncement:
• We need to follow-up in short order afterwards, later that day or within a few days for example. Otherwise, the other party might think we we just being polite, but really have no interest in them.
• We need to make time for the other person(s) even if our schedule is tight.  Effectively, we have made a quasi-commitment or promise to them.  If we want to be thought of as a person of our word, we need to make sure we fit them in.
• When we do find the time, we should ask them if they are still up for whatever we 'promised'.  If not, we should give them good reason and give them courtesy of explaining what's blocking us and that we are still committed to getting together (if we still are).
• If the other part(y/ies) think we mean this when we don't:
• This could lead to hard feelings.
• This could diminish the value of our word (which may or may not be important depending on our audience).
• This could lead to an uncomfortable tension or awkwardness if feelings were involved on the part of one (or all) parties.

WE INTENT TO

• We make open-ended pronouncements that mean this when:
• We like the other person(s), but aren't really sure when or if we can commit to getting together or back with them at the time we say it.
• Our schedule is very full and we aren't sure how we can find time for them.  We wish to send a message that any failing is a problem with our schedule and has nothing to do with them.
• We'd like for the other part(y/ies) to hold a place in their life for us, but we don't want them to stop their life for us.
• If we really mean this by the pronouncement:
• We need to go through the effort of seeing if we can fit the other part(y/ies) in and not just leave them hanging.
• We should get back with the other person(s) as soon as we have a better idea.
• If we do find the time, we should ask them if they are still up for what we 'suggested'.  If not, and if they are important, we should let them know that we are keeping them in mind and will follow-up as soon as we can.
• If the other part(y/ies):
• Think we are just being polite, when we do follow-up, this can pleasantly surprise them (or throw them off if they were just being polite).
• Think that we meant "we likely will", this could cause a problem if they were expecting our company and we cannot find time. It could cause hard feelings.

WE KNOW IT IS UNLIKELY OR UNDESIRED

• We make an open-ended pronouncement that mean this when:
• There isn't much left to say with the other person and we realize this.  They may be nice, but there is a friendship/dating incompatibility that we recognize. This is particularly effective when it is clear the other party is also feels that way.
• We really feel seriously uncomfortable with the other person(s) and we don't want to reject them abruptly leaving an awkward silence and/or hurt.  This is particularly effective when it is clear the other party feels that way also.
• We know there is no possible way for us to every make or keep a commitment to the other person(s)
• We don't want the other party to hold a 'place' for us, though if misread, it might appear that we are asking just that.
• If we really mean this by the pronouncement:
• We should avoid leading the other part(y/ies) on.
• We should just let the communication 'die' naturally if possible.
• We should drop any hope or expectations as it relates to the other part(y/ies).  It is unfair and unrealistic not when we blow another off to expect anything of them.
• We should be prepared for other part(y/ies) to feel rejected. 
• If the other part(y/ies):
• Don't seem to get this, we need to find a way to more firmly but politely let them know that there is no there there with them.  In this case, delaying the inevitable could make things more awkward when we eventually do push them away.
• See things the way we do, we have done each other a huge favor, by politely stepping away from them.

I left this specifically vague because not all open-ended pronouncements are spoken when a 'relationship' is in play.  Sometimes, we make these pronouncements with acquaintances, sometimes we make them with family and sometimes we make them with friends.  The important thing is to know your audience and be prepared when you make an open-ended pronouncement that it likely that you will have to follow-up on it, extend it or giving details or clarification on it.  If we read the audience correctly, this can be a smooth process.  If we read them wrong however, then we could leave some serious hurt and have serious resentment awaiting us.

I bid you a fond farewell from this post, but just remember, 'we'll get together then'.  You know we'll have a good time then.  ;-)

-- Rich

Heavy straws & a broken camel's back.

The other day I was involved in an accident in which the person in front of me hit a patch of ice on the highway, swerved into the wall and ended up stopped and perpendicularly positioned in front of me.  Even though I was driving cautious for the conditions, I had little reaction time.  I couldn't safely get over into the other lane, so I did the next best thing: I tried to slow down as quickly as I could to avoid hitting her.  Unfortunately, as often is the case, this was a doomed proposition.  

The resulting collision set off my airbag, destroyed my car and left me with a concussion & neck strain. Given the location of the accident, the cars had to be moved as quickly as possible.  Therefore, I could not just linger in my car and make calls.  A police officer was nice enough to drop me off at a safe location nearby such that I could stay out of the cold and start making calls. 

Being a problem solver by nature and not one to give up in tough jams, I proceeded to make calls.  I made a call into work and let my boss know what happened, to the insurance company to report the accident, to my wife to let her know I was safe, to a rental car company to get a car, and to the tow yard to set up retrieving my belongings from my now destroyed car.  I know having dealt with rough circumstances before & having faith that I could get through it.  The important thing is that I was safe and that everything else was replaceable or manageable.

Not realizing that I had a mild concussion, I took my daughter back to her mom's house later that day (as was previously scheduled).   So, I have a bag in which I carry a couple of medications of mine & which I was carrying her medicine.  I had taken that to her mom's house to drop off her meds with her mom.  I carried the bag in with me as I brought her other stuff in. Given the distractions with dropping off a rambunctious nine year old and the fogginess I didn't realize I had yet, I left the bag over there.  My haziness was such that I didn't remember even bringing it in with me.  So, I got home and was going to take the bag in from my car and came to realize I didn't have it.  I reached out to my daughter's mom & to a restaurant I'd stopped at to see if I'd left it either place.  Both indicated it wasn't there.  So, I went searching through the rental car and my own place extensively, but couldn't find it.  The brave front I'd been putting up had finally collapsed.  I thought I'd for sure lost my meds as well as those of my daughters.  Only later did her mom find the bag off to the side of the front room.  

Back to the story at hand.  Literally, I had a huge wall of uncertainty thrown up at me starting before 8 a.m. that day and I managed well, but a lost bag of meds that could be replaced if necessary got the best of me. The adrenaline/shock that took me through the day was already beginning to wear off, but it was compounded by a 'final' setback for the day.  I was besides myself and I had to literally force myself to try and sleep despite being very upset.  Looking back on it, I have a few takeaways.

• Sometimes a concern is so big that we know that we can't immediately deal with it.  Therefore, in our mind, we allow for a significant time and amount of uncertainty rather than panic.  We just take it step by step.  Getting home/replacing the car/recuperating in my case.
• It is the smaller things that we think we should be able to deal with that get to us.  Thinking I should have kept better track of the bag and that if I look and look and look, I will find it as its got to be around somewhere.
• The big pressures of the day, I'd already factored in and had been resolved to a passable state (including the other driver's insurance accepting full liability).  But, they were still a burden on my shoulders.  I was not prepared for the final pressure.  In other words, for the day, it was the straw that broke the camels back.  Literally, I wasn't up to accepting another hit on the day.
• The next morning, I started to make provisions to replace the lost medications.  Soon thereafter my daughter's mom informed me that she did have my bag after-all.  Therefore the stress and worry about it proved unnecessary.
• One time when I was fretting aloud to another friend about a matter which I couldn't resolve late at night, she asked me: "Is there anything you can do about it now?".  I said, "No".  She's replied, "So, stop worrying about it."  I have always remembered that and always try to remember that when something is not in my control.
• On more than one occasion, after getting bogged down with stress about a lost/unresolved circumstance, I've stopped and prayed about it.  A funny thing has happened on some of those occasions.  Literally, it is as if my mind was cleared and I was led to a finding what was lost or a solution.  Reminding me that prayer before the complete stress-out might be in order. 

Anyway, when you or someone around you starts to have a meltdown about what appears to be an easily manageable circumstance or seemingly unimportant decision or detail, realize that you may very well be looking at the straw on top of the mound of weight on the camel's back.  Realizing that the straw is on top of what the camel was barely able to carry anyway.  In other words, don't take it for granted that the meltdown is over the small detail or circumstance.  Address the detail of course, but be aware that you may need to address underlying weight that was really the problem.

Hopefully, this is a helpful reminder for those whom I reach.  Cheers.

- Rich

* This blog post I think ties in well to Letting go and letting God - The timing and art of letting go as our burdens often start with a significant loss.

Sabotage: When negative certainty feels better than uncertainty...

Ever have a physical ailment whose symptoms caused a good deal of discomfort, but you could not get to the bottom of what was wrong?  Whether or not you eventually got to the bottom of the problem, the uncertainty associated with it--of the prognosis,'cure' or course of treatment---caused a great deal of angst.    Alternatively, if we have a physical ailment which is obvious, we can immediately go into adjust, plan and fix-it mode.  That is to say we know what we are working and can focus on getting better or dealing with it effectively rather than stressing about what to do. The lesson we learn from that is  that sometimes a certainty--even if it is not a good one--is better than a unnerving uncertainty.  At least with a certainty, you could proceed to face up to the problem and determine a course of action: work to ameliorate the issue or symptoms or where that's not possible accept the outcome.

I started this particular entry a couple of weeks ago  (now 1/29/16), but got sidetracked.  I don't necessarily feel this way currently in my life, but I know I have felt this before.  Anyway, some of what I blog is personal experience, some of what I blog is insight from the experiences of others and some of what I blog is what occurs to me.  I don't claim everything I write is the absolute way it is.  Neither do I claim what I write works for everyone. But, I digress.  Some of this one is personal experience and some of it is what I've seen in others

I believe that relationships can roll this way also. While I am going to focus on romantic relationships, much of what I am talking about can apply to other relationships as well.   Anyway, when a relationship has a certain known quantity to it, a certain sense of peace and tranquility, a certain balance or sense of itself, even if it isn't perfect, it will have a good comfort level.  I believe that in some ways, people are creatures of comfort or familiar.  It is easier to deal with people when we have a fix on them and/or how they relate to us.  See 2D vs. 3D relationships for questions on how we understand (or don't) others.  In a sense, when there is contentment in this part of our lives, it is easier to want to keep things peaceful, not to make waves and just enjoy our "time out on the water".   We are more likely to feel this way in what I call a 3D relationship.

HOWEVER, I believe when we don't have a good fix on a relationship, such as with what I call a 2D relationship, we tend to feel like a boat this not moored or anchored.  That is we tend to be at the mercy of the elements.  Unease can take the following forms:

• Uncertainty with what our significant other is really feeling about things including us.
• Uncertainty with how to talk to or relate to our SO (significant other), sometimes to the point of walking on eggshells.
• Uncertainty of how we actually fit into the relationship and/or if the relationship has a future.

So, what is the natural responses to uncertainty in relationships?

• Working with the other to figure out the relationship.
• Counseling
• Working on communication aka 'talking it through'
• Letting the uncertainty build up and take deep roots.
• Resentment develops.
• The sense of connection starts to die off.
• Consciously or subconsciously behaving in such a way to end the uncomfortable (and sometimes brutal) uncertainty.
• Could be pressing our SO until we get some sort of answer, good or bad.
• Could be engaging in destructive behavior and caring less and less about the consequences.  
• In a way, it is effectively like having a death wish for a relationship.
• We want peace, but we can't have peace, yet we don't know how to get peace, yet we need it, yet we don't want to deal with consequences of what we might have to go through to get peace.  In a way, it is easier just throwing a stick of dynamite at the relationship and run like hell, hoping not don't have to face the fallout from the explosion.

I guess the takeaway from this particular blog is the following:

• Focus on getting to know your partner, not knowing about him or her, but actually 'getting him or her'.  This will leave less room for damaging uncertainty.
• Understand that some degree of uncertainty in life is unavoidable.  While it is not desirable, up to a certain point, it can/should be tolerable.   After all, our partner is another person with their own separate feelings and concerns.  We can't be perfect in understanding each other.
• It is best to put things out there sooner rather than later.  While there is a risk of upsetting the apple cart, isn't it best to find that out whether the apple cart was even stable sooner rather than later? 
• Denying or not facing problems doesn't make them go away.
• Potentially, you've wasted time and effort on something that really wasn't stable, when you could have discovered it sooner.
• Potentially, you've delayed the healing process.

The world is fully of uncertainty, yet life goes on.  Similarly, relationships can be full of uncertainty.  Isn't it better just to work on it and find out if the uncertainty can be removed or lessened rather than letting life go by wondering when the bottom could fall out?

Thanks for your read.

Rich