The Validation Circle & Cliches

Maybe I'm a little bit jaded, but I've noticed over time someone will make a post on Facebook or another social media and like clockwork, there are the same set of people which will complement the post or the poster.  In many cases, I do believe it is heartfelt and they really do think the person listed as beautiful, smart, handsome or whatever.  Similarly, they will express the item or experience being posted as nice or whatever would fit.   Similarly, I noticed when someone has passed away they are often portrayed and characterized to the surviving family/friends at their best even when let's just say their reputation in life was highly flawed.

I don't mean to imply that the compliments, words and the like are necessarily insincere, but I do believe that sometimes they are said with mixed motives.    This begs the question, "Why do we compliment on social media and in life?".

WHY WE COMPLIMENT OTHERS AND WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO THEM

• We are sincerely moved or touch to do so.   Who or what we are complimenting or speaking highly of really does compel us to speak well of it/them.
• We may be really are taken aback by how nice looking someone in our circle or their kid is.  
• We may be really are taken aback by how nice someone's house, boat, car, etc. is.
• We may be really are moved to tell someone how much their loved one meant to us.
• We want to be polite or proper.  In other words, it is the proper thing to do, even if we aren't necessarily feeling it.
• We may be paying our respects as we feel it is the proper thing to do.
• We see that something is important to someone in our circle and we just understood to compliment, speak well, etc. of them is the proper or thoughtful thing to do.  Appearance or face isn't our goal, but being kind, appropriate or proper is.  
• We want to look thoughtful or alternatively not look like a jerk for ignoring.
• We see complimenting someone or something that is important to them is a way to appear thoughtful or to ingratiate ourselves with them.  Even if we don't necessarily feel it, it costs us little to 'look good' in the other person's eyes.   After all, who doesn't want to hear a compliment about themselves or what is important to them?
• We might compliment them on their car, hair or dress or something like that when in reality we really don't care that much.
• We may notice everyone else in their circle is complimenting them or what is important to them and we want to be sure that we don't look like a jerk and 'properly acknowledge'.  If we believe others or paying attention to how we respond or don't respond to them, we may feel compelled to sound 'approving' or complimentary to make sure we stay on their good side.
• We (consciously or subconsciously) anticipate the compliment will be returned.
• We may realize that if we ignore what is important to another, when it comes our time to get hoped for praise, it may not be forthcoming.
• We are consciously seeking credit for 'properly acknowledging' in anticipation of one day expecting the same--proper positive acknowledgement--from someone in our circle.

The first two motives usually are considered more noble or selfless.   After all, most people welcome sincere compliments and find them uplifting.  Likewise, it is very respectful to treat others and what's important to them, even if you don't totally feel it.   Compliments won't kill you and even if you aren't specifically seeking it, a kind turn will often be returned.

The second to motives are usually considered self-serving.  Though they may not say it, people often see through insincerity, virtue-signaling, and the desire to be credited for what they say or don't say especially when it is said with less than full sincerity.

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Now that I spent time mulling why people compliment each other let's consider for a moment why people put out themselves or what is important to them in a public setting or forum.   In other words, why do we share?

WHY DO WE SHARE?

• We are moved by what we share.   We think what we are sharing is uplifting or will be a happy thing for all.
• We might want to lift someone else up whom we are proud of for example.
• We might think we are sending an important message, such as it is important to fight for what you believe in or to never give up.
• We are seeking approval, praise, or compliments or to be thought of well.
• Sometimes we just need a little uplift or to know someone cares.  We don't want to ask for a compliment or approval straight out and we hope by our share, we will give positive feedback.
• We might be seeking validation too hard.

The last point kind of really comes full circle to my original idea for the post.   I believe that in life and on social media we compliment and show approval as part of what I call a "validation circle".   We give props, compliments and approval sometimes to things that we could care less about--if we were honest to ourselves we could care less about.  Sometimes we may care, but are not as impressed as the one who posts or shares.   No, we may not think there kid is as cute as they do.  We may not be too impressed with their new set of wheels.   We may not really think their significant other is all that.   However, I believe sometimes the 'validation circle' dictates that we show approval anyway.   That is to say, it is an unwritten contract that says you compliment what I share and I compliment what you share, regardless of how we actually feel about it.   But, then again, maybe in our individual groups, our clichés, our 'validation circle', we are just engaging in behavior that nations engage in: diplomacy.   I think sometimes if we read between the lines we can actually see this process in motion.

To those reading this, I'm just the messenger.   Yes, I care about everything you pose or share.  Whatever you share is the coolest, most important, most attractive, funniest, most touching thing I've ever read or seen.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Just for the record, I EXPECT, my readers to VALIDATE what I post IF they expect me to validate what they do...

-- Rich

In this song, I believe the writer/singer recognizes the truth of the transaction.  Namely, he acknowledges and validate their feelings and well he gets his own 'validation'.

Please Don't Be a Pleaser: Diplomat, feeling uncertain or needing validation.

Recently I wrote a blog post called: Please Don't Be a Pleaser.  The upshot of it was that there are point(s) in your life which you realize you can't please everyone.   More specifically it went into the types of circumstances in which you can't please people and how to deal in those circumstances.  While I think this is a constructive angle to look at in the study of "people pleasing", essentially it is a sort of "I'm here" vs. a "How did I get here" perspective.  So, I will focus today's post on what's behind the tendency to people pleasing, that is to say what drives them.  As the title indicates, I believe there are (at least) three drivers for people pleasing.   They are in no particular order: the need for being a diplomat, feeling uncertain about self and needing validation.  People pleasers can have one or more of these personality types.

THE DIPLOMAT

• This person values peace and strive to find common ground.
• It maybe that they feel they are just good at making others feel good or bring peace.
• It may be that they have had to deal with dysfunction and fighting at some point in their life.  This drives them to defuse confrontation wherever they see it.
• This person can serve as a go-between multiple two parties.  They work to positively massage the egos of each of multiple warring parties, all while softening the hard edge between what each party wants to communicate with each other.  They serve as the "happy face" for each side.
• This person may get some sort of sense of value from being a 'peacemaker'. 
• If he or she can bring different factions to a peaceful outcome, they have saved everyone from the destructive effects of conflict.
• If he or she can bring different factions to a just (or 'everyone wins') outcome, they have advanced progress for everyone.
• This person is probably considered having the most "noble" reason for being a pleaser. 
• As long as he or she is considered fair and just, who doesn't appreciate the peacemaker?
• While this type of pleaser likes to consider themselves fair and impartial, they may be more political than advertised.
• Provided this person doesn't just another run all over him or her, some degree of wanting to be the diplomat or to help bring happiness to another isn't a bad thing in relationships.

UNCERTAIN YOU

• This person may not have a well-developed sense of self. 
• If you don't know who you are, it is hard to be centered.
• The cliche 'if you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything' is appropriate here.
• This person's sense of self may be reasonably developed, but they may fall into the trap of second guessing.
• This can be a result of being stuck in a pit of shame, especially if they've had significant prior failures.
• They may allow their better judgement to be overrode by the seeming certainty of others.  Someone with strong and unflinching 'certainty' can be intimidating to others who don't have such certainty and may cause one to second guess. 
• Certainty, even if misguided, projected by another can be intoxicating, especially if all you have to do is just "buy into the program".  There can be some attractiveness of trying to go along with or please the alpha.
• This person would probably be considered the "weakest" type of person/pleaser.

VALIDATION VALUER

• This person may be struggling with their sense of self and instead of looking within for approval may seek to be seek to be agreeable with others in an attempt to quench the hole in their soul that looks like it is the shape of approval.
• This person may have a reasonably well-developed sense of self, but is still seeking approval for their own reasons.
• They seek approval as a means to power.  By seeking the popular position or consensus they are looking to have the largest group of people support them.  In short, they find people that need to 'be heard' and agreed with and seek to 'please them' to gain their support.
• They may be narcissists by nature, thinking highly of themselves for "understanding" the needs of others.  In other words, self-validation.  Hearing and 'schmoozing' (aka pleasing) others is really just means to an end.  That is to say they 'know' what is best for others and have at least pretend to listen. 
• This person in some circumstances this person may be considered the most "cynical" type of pleaser. 
• This type of pleaser may get into politics.  What better way to validate yourself than to convince others into selecting you.
• This type of pleaser may get into other types of stages.
• By choosing the theater in any form--movie, TV, Broadway, ect--they can validate themselves by capturing the minds, heart and the $$ of others, by playing a 'role' and bring happiness to their 'fans'.
• By choosing other types of entertainment--such as sports and music--they also can validate themselves by capturing the minds, heart and the $$ of others, by bring happiness to their 'fans'.

I guess my takeaway on this post is this: If you are a people pleaser, what drives you?  Secondly, understanding what drives people to try to 'please' others may help you relate to them better.   Whatever drives us to please others, we won't truly be healthy emotionally and spiritually until we find a healthy way to 'please' ourselves.  That doesn't mean be selfish, but does mean to be at peace with ourselves and to peace with our Higher Power (God).

Please Don't Be a Pleaser

I used to be a people-pleaser by nature.  I found that is a role that can wear one out and frustrate them.  I believe most people--even world-class diplomats--eventually realize you can't please everyone.  From what I see, people-pleasers run into one or more of the following brick walls in that regard:

PROBLEMS

• There are some people who are perpetually unhappy.  (Eeyore crowd)
• They are so miserable in their life, that no matter what you do or say to cheer them up or to try to get along, they will play the role of Eeyore.  That is to say, see a dark cloud hovering overhead even in the most sunny day or circumstance.
• When you recognize this, you realize that it is pointless to try to 'make them happy'.
• It is not your role to make them happy.

• There are some people who are perpetually aggrieved.  (Perpetually offended crowd)
• This doesn't have to be personally against you, it is more a case of them seeing circumstances or others in life have dealt them a bad or unfair hand.
• Their energy or purpose in life is derived from playing the role of the perpetual victim.  Life isn't always fair and there is a time for righteous anger, but there is also a time for gratitude.  There is a time to realize that that you don't have to see yourself as a victim.
• They may actually face circumstances in which they are victimized.  This isn't about being victimized, it is more so about a conscience effort to play (or better yet stay) the victim.
• There is nothing wrong with empathizing with them in appropriate times, but staying in the victim role with them could drag you down as well.
• They seem to show an immunity to ever seeing things as fair or seeing that they could be wrong.  
• Even when you work out a problem with them (or they concede a point), they will move onto another victim role.

• There are some people who have just decided for whatever reason, good or bad, that they don't like you.  (Haters)
• They may show an unwillingness to forgive you for something you said or did that properly offended them.
• It can be trivial.  For example, embarrassed them in front of a friend. 
• It can be significant.  For example, repeated something that was said in private or confidence to you or take advantage of them.
• You may have been sabotaged (wittingly or unwittingly by another)
• You may or may not know about the sabotage.
• Sometimes no matter what you say or try to find out about it, they are immune to seeing it or talking about it.
• You may have done nothing wrong (and you may not even be aware why they don't like you)
• Something completely harmless you did or said was unreasonably taken out of context.  In other words, you weren't in the wrong, but they are easily or wrongly offended.
• Something you didn't do that they expected you to do might have offended them.
• Doesn't matter if their expectation wasn't unrealistic.
• Doesn't matter if their expectation wasn't clearly conveyed. 

• There are some situations in which you are in the middle of two disagreeable factions   (Warring factions)
• If you try to please one of the factions, you risk upsetting the other faction(s).
• Working on pleasing one of the factions, might be seen as favoritism.
• You may just be able to deal with one faction at a time and it isn't meant as favoritism so much as order or more pressing situation.
• If you try to please all of the factions, you risk upsetting all factions.
• All sides might claim that you are favoring the other side(s).
• All sides might believe that you are just trying to placate them and not take their concerns seriously.  Akin to King Solomon splitting the baby in half.

SOLUTIONS

These are just brick walls I see, I suspect there may be more that I don't OR some people's experiences may differ.  In any case, these are at least some of the circumstances in which we realize that we can't please everyone.  So, exactly what do we do in these situations?  Below are a number of ideas to consider.

• When you are dealing with someone who is unhappy and can't be 'made happy', you don't take it as your mission to 'make them happy'.
• You do what is right by them, not to get kudos from them, but because it is the right thing to do.
• You support them, but not enable them or go in the tank with them.  In the analogy of your home, you stay in the house with them and guard the house for them, but you don't stay in the same room for them while they are throwing a pity party for themselves.  If and when they are ready, they will find their way.  Whether or not they see or appreciate your support, at least you know you've done right.
• You can love them, but that doesn't mean you have to attend their pity party.

• When you are dealing with an aggrieved person, you have to put boundaries on your dealings with them. 
• Where they are righteously aggrieved, you can listen to or even support them but that doesn't necessarily mean you bear their cross the way they do.
• Where their aggrieved nature is not righteous.
• You may try to 'amuse' them for a time while you figure out if it is righteous.
• You may have to step away from them and let them deal with their own nature.
• You can't necessarily 'fix' or help them anyway and you risk them resenting you for trying.
• There is a risk of alienating or upsetting them when you step away.  But, often times you have to do this for your own mental health anyway.  Drinking from someone else's 'poison' can cause you to get 'sick' too.

• When you are dealing with a person who doesn't like you.
• If you know you are part of the problem, it is important to make amends where necessary.
• Once you've made amends, don't keep piling on hoping to get them back in your corner.  
• It might not give them time to absorb your amends.
• It might end up as effectively trying to bully them into accepting your amends.
• Amends are meant as much for you as them.  Give them a chance to forgive you, but it is also a way of surrendering the problem to clean your side of the road.  If they never forgive you, at least tried.
• If you don't know if you are part of the problem, it is important to try to ascertain if you are.
• You can reach out to the other party and observe to them what you see is a cold chill and ask what's wrong.
• If they tell you what's wrong and it includes you.
• If they are right, make amends where possible.
• If they are not right (not being realistic), try to clear up any misunderstanding and try to let them know you weren't trying to offend them or wrong them. 
• Sometimes it helps to 'apologize' even if you aren't wrong so they know your good intentions.  Leave it at that and if they don't accept it, you should let it go.
• Sometimes, they are so wrong, there is no way you can show them good intentions.  At that point, let it go and understand some people weren't meant to like you.
• If they don't tell you or won't admit that it includes you, you can let them know if you did anything to upset them that you are not aware of it, it was not your intention and then let it go.
• In some cases, it is clear you really aren't the problem, but they chose to personalize it to you.  Sometimes, it is just best to let it go and understand that not everyone will like you in this life.  Sometimes people will dislike you for absurd or misplaced reasons.

• When you are dealing with 'warring' factions (siblings/friends/etc), you just have to do what you think is best.
• Sometimes it is showing both sides deference.  This means taking into account the concerns of all sides and trying not to show favoritism.
• Sometimes that is impossible not to 'favor'.
• Sometimes no matter how even handed you are, one or more side will still think you are showing favoritism.
• Even if this doesn't work at least you know in your heart that you did was right.  For example, if you know as a parent that you've treated your children as equally as possibly, you shouldn't worry past that.  You can't view how they see your parenting.
• Sometimes, you just effectively have to pick a side.
• Often times one party is clearly in the right.  You pick based on the best information you have at the time.  
• This doesn't mean excluding other sides or broadcasting to them whom you are favoring.
• Chances are you were in a no win situation anyway.  Whatever action you took would offend or upset one or more of the parties.  So, if you do what you feel is right, you at least have that to lean on.  Let God be the judge of your actions, not others.

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Anyone with any kind of sense of morality or healthy spiritual background has a sense of right and wrong.  We generally know what is doing right by others.  I believe we are called on to get along with our fellow man (and woman).  This means not just with our friends or group, but also with our rivals and even enemies.  I believe this call has its limits, however.  While I believe it is important to sue for peace with those who don't like us, it is important not to use the pursuit of peace/neighbor as a tool to feel accepted or validated.  Our lives, our attempts to 'please' others should be made when it is the right thing.  Furthermore, if we try to sue for peace/friendship, it shouldn't be at all costs.  In many cases, we can let it be know that our 'door' is always open, but not stand around at the door waiting for them to come in.  In some cases, if they are too much of a threat, we just have to close our 'door' for our own safety and to let them know that we will not accept the threat.  Ultimately, the takeaway to this whole blog is we have to:

• Try to avoid our efforts to 'please' others on our own need for validation/acceptance.  Do right by people because you care about them or love them.  Sometimes, this means even those who don't or won't like you back. 
• If you base decision on trying to 'please' other on what's best for them rather than what you will get out of it, chances are better they will appreciate/respect you more for it.
• There is no way you'll ever make everyone happy and if you spend your time pursuing that end chances are that you'll end up being the one that is not happy.

So, be kind when you can or should, but please don't be a pleaser.

What's love got to do with it?

I was at a concert the other day and noted how me and my friend Jennie each had someone with us that cared for and cared about us.  Anyone who knows my history knows that relationship have been something I've had to work at, but I digress.  But I can say that I have been loved along the way and that for some reason my wife Kristi seems to have warm fuzzy feelings towards me, even when I don't feel lovable.

I was thinking about my late brother and how he had never gotten married and never was even close to it.  I know one of things that always got to him was that he never truly felt loved.  He was loved more than he realized, but I digress. Thinking about that actually made me pretty sad, BUT it also made me realize something.   Finding someone who truly loves you is a blessing.

Anyway, in pondering the above, I also thought about what love is and what it isn't. What is is meant to be and what it isn't meant to be.

The bible speaks on love and marriage extensively, sometimes seemingly for and against it.  See below:

• The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."  Genesis 2:18
• I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  1 Corinthians 7:6-9

But, my understanding of love is this:

• Love is not meant to validate us.  Our validation comes from our relationship to our higher power.   Love is a gift of our higher power to help us not feel alone, isolated and unappreciated. 
• The love of another isn't meant to make us complete us, it is meant to complement us
• Love shouldn't be to 'fix' or 'solve our problems', but instead free us from feeling alone and unappreciated such that we can with focus on dealing with the things we need to.  I think that's at least part of what the apostle Paul was saying in 1st Corinthians above. 

In short, love and marriage are meant to enrich us, not to replace what is missing in us.  Love is meant to be beneficial to both parties and not to feed into each other's dysfunctionality.

I guess my takeaway is rely on the your higher power (God) for your validation, but appreciate the value of love which He has provided for us.