Perspective: Wants Being A World Away From Needs

I got an iTunes and Amazon gift cards recently for Christmas (2018), so of course, what do I do?  I sought to supplement my music collection on my iPod.   Anyway, I had been a little sad this Christmas season as I had just turned 50, I didn't have my daughter for Christmas and most of Christmas Eve, I had previously lost three of my immediately family members in recent years and frankly, the year had been very tiring at times and I'd reflected on long-time hurts.  So, one could say I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I'd always respected Roy Orbison as a musician and I know I heard his life story before.  However, I never really thought to much about it.  But, this time was different.  I'd been looking up ELO on YouTube and stumbled upon the Traveling Willburys which then led me to Roy Orbison.  In a way, this search had taken me to the "End of The Line" as far as Roy Orbison.

Anyway, in researching his music, I came across his life story and it was very tragic and sad.  Yes, he may have eventually accumulated some wealth and not had to worry about where his next meal came from.  However, his life was far from easy.  He was born smack dab in The Great Depression with his parents both struggling with employment.  He was blessed with a guitar and a gift of music.  Though he was talented, it took him a while to get established in the industry.  His star gained momentum in the early 60s, but he was hit with marital problems which led to divorce in 1964.  He and his first wife, Claudette, had patched things up in late 1965, but this was only a temporary reprieve from downtimes and tragedy in his life.  His 1st was killed in a freak accident in June 1966 and in September 1968, his two eldest sons died in fire that burned his house to the ground while he was touring.  His star by that that time had been in decline.  Eventually, it picked up again and he found new success in the 1980s.  He died of a heart attack at age 52.  I'd heard his story before but this time it really got my attention and I felt sadness for him and thought, while I've faced adversity, I hadn't had to face losing a spouse and kids and health problems like he had.   In a way, though I haven't achieved fame and fortune like had, I hadn't faced some of the tragedy he had.  This got me thinking about something I've thought about a lot during my life.

I've long thought that, we in this country, are very fortunate. I have felt some guilt that my want, even in an unnecessarily poor childhood, was still less than need in many other places in the world.  Our poor usually are better off than much of the world, especially places like Haiti.  I guess it's all perspective.  I grew up with less than many/most others in my school and across town and I felt poor, but seeing images of others having to worry about starvation is very humbling.  Anyway, I have a few thought on wants and needs in my life, the life of kids in this generation and in the world as a whole.

Ponderings:

• Being around people with "more" can give a distorted picture and can create false 'needs'.  
• For example, if the people I see socially, work with, or are related have large homes and live in a very nice neighborhoods, it might create a sense in me that in order to 'fit in', I need to have that as well.  In reality, in such a case, I don't 'need' those things, but 'want' them to prevent me from feeling 'inferior'.
• If a kid goes to school and all his friends have nice clothes, nice cars,  and nice things including electronics out the wazoo, then the kid will 'need' some of those things to at least be able to 'relate' or 'fit in'.  The need, in this case, isn't more nice things but to appreciate that you can't always have every nice thing.  The other need is for other parents, with more means, to raise their kids with a healthy respect for others regardless of what others have.
• Getting used to 'luxuries' can make them seem like needs.
• Growing up, I didn't have a microwave oven until I finished college, I didn't AC until I went away to college, I didn't have a dishwasher until I moved into my first apartment, I didn't have a TV with remote or with cable until I was on my own.  At the time each of these things seemed like a luxury.  
• I am so used to having all of these things that to have them taken away makes them seem like a need that is unmet.
• If you grown up or gotten used to having more, the best way to remind yourself that much of what you have is a luxury is spending time around those who struggle to have basic needs met.
• Our real needs are sometimes masked by purposely or unwittingly by those things we feel are needs.
• If we feel ugly, we may feel like we 'need' to shop for clothes.  In other words, substitute an outfit to deal with insecurity.
• If we feel sad, we may feel a 'need' for the latest electronic or other gadget to distract us.
• Often times what we really need is not more 'things' but instead peace and serenity.

I don't know if I broke any new ground here, but I felt compelled to write this blog post.  Kids today seem to not appreciate what they have and when I remind them growing up how we did with less, it doesn't impact them.  I forget that its hard to relate to having less when you never have.  In a way, I feel like it is hard to relate to those in the world who do have less and are in real need unless you actually see them with less.  That's why I titled this post as I did.  Anyway, hopefully, others can relate or get something out of this post.

- Rich

This post reminds me of another I wrote:
Accepting People Where They Are.

The heart doesn't care what is proper...

I was reviewing some of the topics I've set aside to write on, but haven't and this one seemed appropriate with Valentine's Day coming up.  I remember a time in the past in which my heart wanted a situation to work out which my head said it wouldn't.  Yet my heart insisted that's what it wanted.  Anyway, even though the situation would have been allowed, it wasn't for the best (age difference, different points) and probably would be frowned upon.  Yet, I couldn't turn off my feelings just because maybe I knew it wasn't for the best and that society and those close might frown upon it.  I know sometimes love or feelings bloom between two people who by virtue of social mores are not considered 'appropriate', but the fact remains that the feelings are there.

I thought I'd written about how grief doesn't care about social expectations, but I don't see it now.  I will either find it or write my thoughts on it.  Like grief which occurs on its own terms, the heart doesn't care what's proper either. We love (or don't love) whom our heart tells us to.   I'm going to divide this idea into three categories.

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We've seen the perfect couple on paper.  They both are smart, nice looking, have a lot in common and they may eventually even get married.  But, they seem to struggle, they drift apart and wake up one day realizing that they have nothing and perhaps they maybe never truly did.  In some ways, the life of their relationship may have resembled my purchase of my 2004 Dodge Neon with the backstory below.  Anyway, the selection of the 2004 Dodge Neon was like a relationship that looks great on paper and seems to meet one's needs, but is lacking that love or chemistry or feel.  Just like I bought the 'practical' car which I ended up being blah about, people may 'buy' such relationships, but never have their heart truly 100% into it.

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In the meantime, we've seen couples that seemed very mismatched.  One is much older, much more 'successful', much more 'attractive' (according to worldly standards), much different personality-wised, or some other such differences.  Yet, there is deep love and connection between the two that defies convention or in some cases what society deems is best.  Take the example of John Lennon and Yoko Ono.  He was clearly magnitudes more talented than her musically.  He was British by birth and she was Japanese by birth.  They were raised in different religious backgrounds. Also, he was married to someone else at the time when they met.  Furthermore, she was blamed for the breakup of the Beatles.  On paper, they looked like a serious mismatch.  Yet, by all accounts their relationship was the happiest point in John's life.  His heart didn't care what was considered proper or what society approved of.  His heart loved Yoko for Yoko.

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The third category is situations which are not considered appropriate due to age, ethical or other similar type considerations.  We've seen this in various stories about inappropriate teacher/student, therapist/client,  doctor/patient, police officer/criminal type, honors student/bad boy (or girl)  'relationships'.  In these situations, there is a certain excitement with the forbidden.  There is a certain chemistry each finds in the other, but there is usually a certain understanding between the parties that relationship is not terribly appropriate.  Sometimes, the head screams "DISASTER" or "WRONG", but the heart says, "I LOVE" and it doesn't matter what our head tells us, our heart is pulled a certain way.

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The heart has this funny way of knowing what is important to it and gravitating towards it.  The heart doesn't think to itself I know this relationship is wrong or right.  Neither does the heart make a list of why a relationship is appropriate or not or fitting or not.  The heart just tells us honestly what it feels.  I'm not saying we should pursue what the heart tells us to, nor should necessarily mind it when it  rejects.  However, it is important that we not ignore our heart either.  We do so at our own peril.  If the heart isn't at least acknowledged, I believe it can ultimately bleed into our lives in an unhealthy way--drinking, gambling, drugs, acing out, etc.  If the situation is not appropriate due to legal or ethical issues, it is important to deal what is driving the heart towards the situation instead of indulging it.  If a situation does not have legal or ethical hurdles, it is important to explore whether the situation is healthy for us before pursuing it.  If it is clearly unhealthy, yet you want to pursue it, it is important to address the underlying driver for that.  If a situation doesn't appear to have ethical or legal problems and doesn't appear to be unhealthy, it is still important to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if your heart is into it or if it is just your mind telling you to pursue it.  It is just as important to recognize and be honest with yourself what you are drawing (or trying to) from the relationship.  In other words, are you in it for the right reasons.

My final takeaway, acknowledge and address your heart, but don't let your heart run the show by itself.  Similarly, while it is important to not let your mind clinically determine if a relationship is right for you, your mind should not ignored either.  Many relationships run directly from the heart have lit the sky like a supernova only to collapse in disaster.  While many that seem to be more subdued have grown to shine more over time as the couple really gets to know and appreciate each other.


Don't let the heart rule, while the mind drools.
But don't let mind dictate, while the heart waits.


* Backstory of my 2004 Dodge Neon:  I decided to replace my 1997 Ford Escort.  I had previously owned  a Dodge Shadow which I was comfortable with and was looking for something similar.  In doing a little research, I found that the Dodge Neon was a follow-up to the Dodge Shadow with better performance.  So, to me, it seemed like a practical and reasonable choice.  On paper the price and specs seemed to right for my needs, but when I test drove it, it didn't feel quite right.  I figured it was because I was used to my Ford Escort and that in time I'd get used to it my new car.  The funny thing is that I never did get used to it and when I rented another car a couple years later, I liked the rental better.  Eventually I got rid of the Neon for a car like the rental.  Just like two people who match well on paper, the Neon and I seemed like a great fit, but in the real world, I never felt it.

If you like this post try the following: 

* Relationship term meanings - not the Webster Dictionary version.
* Love transcends time... An appropriate song...