Stages of relationships and love

In honor of Valentine's day, I am blogging about the stages of love and relationships.  These may differ for everyone.  Anyway, here goes.

Meeting stage:
1) Meeting stage--online or in person.   They first catch you attention.
2) Thinking about them stage.  Wondering if they might be interested in you.

Initial realization stage:
3) Denial that you like them.  This is triggered by the need for self protection, aka not getting shot down or hurt.
4) Admitting you like them.  It can be in a dream, daydream or just realizing you can't get them off your mind.
5) Initial curiosity if he/she could be the one.  The other person is an angel to you and can do little wrong.
6)  Asking him/her out.  This is the concession that you'll go nuts if you don't ask them out.

Dating stages:
6) Denying how much you have the hots for the new person to your family/friends as you don't want to risk getting told to chill.  :-)
7) First date, hope he/she likes you.
8) Further dating, building a foundation.
9) Joking about marrying the person, but secretly you are dreaming it.

Secondary dating
10) Denial that you are really falling hard for them.   Once again, self-protection.   You can't get hurt by another if you aren't vulnerable.
11) Insanity of holding in your expression of love.  Literally, it's driving you nuts.
12)  One day it just comes out, I love you.
13) Denial to family/friends that you are in love (sometimes they've seen this act and they wonder about you).

Getting super serious.
14) Serious talk about marriage.  You are talking it out.
15) People ask if you've thought about marriage.  Third stage of denial: you play it cool and act like, in God's time.  What you really mean is your d*mn right I have, but I don't want to admit it.
16) Biding time before asking, meanwhile planning on it and scoping rings.
17)  Planning asking her hand in marriage.
18) Asking.
19) Admitting to family/friends you are thinking about marriage.  ;-)

Planning marriage
20) Talk it out and plan.
21) Fret about it.
22) Plan more
23) Fret more
24) Bicker
25) Make up.
26) Finish planning.

The marriage stage
27) Pre-wedding drama with family
28) Marriage
29) Hoping things work out.

It's just you and me and we just disagree...

When I originally posted this back in February 2015, I was about to post about dating these days, especially dating site dating, but I had a better idea at that moment.  I thought, I've seen enough relationships that end with a thud and a blame game and felt like perhaps I have some insight those.  To me, much of the time, relationships end with a huge blame game.  That to me is such a waste of energy which leaves no one happy. I think what drove this blog may have been that I was a bit irritable too in hearing about a particular broken relationship.  Don't fully remember now.

Anyway, in the beginning of many failed relationships, it's like a Steve Miller song.  Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time...  

Reality hits eventually.  We either realize the other person has traits we are not particularly fond of OR probably more accurately finally accept they have those traits.  Anyway, over time, we decide if the other is what we want in a mate.  Eventually, one (or more) of these types of scenarios will play out:

• Enough doubt accumulates and we wake up and think WTH am I doing in this situation? 
• A tipping point is hit in which we know we can't stay in the situation.
• Let's be honest: in some cases, we find another fancier newer toy--another person--that 'humors' us more. 
• We choose our addictions over the other person.

In any case, whatever reason for the breakup, there seem to be two common traits that are present at the end many/most relationships.  

   1) Needing to explain away how we could have spent as much time and effort in a failed relationship.

   2) Need to 'win' aka portray yourself as the reasonable one and the other as the jerk/nut/gold digger...

IMHO, it's really really a pride issue.  Assuming the person hasn't totally hid who they are, that is to say they are largely the same person as they were on day one, then whether you accept them now for who they are is not their problem,  it is your problem.  If I have a personality trait or whatever and I haven't hid it, but you are just now realizing the nature of it and don't like it, once again that isn't my problem, it is yours.  

For example, if I tell slightly off-color jokes and you seem to be fine with it for a long time--and even seem to laugh at them--and one day you attack me for it, how is that my issue? If one of your friends thought it was in bad taste and you rip me for it, how is it a my fault issue?  I haven't changed, you just have decided for whatever that is something you can't accept.  That's your prerogative, but to rip me for it now, isn't fair.

If you think to yourself, how could I have settled, that isn't my issue, it's yours.  Just because you weren't able to assess your wants or needs properly doesn't mean that that I should take the blame for it.  Don't just decide to attack me and label me as this or that because you carry your own shame and/or shame around your friends for 'settling'.  The mature way to handle it is to say, you know, "we are two different people and too different of people" and move on.  There doesn't have to be shame.  Instead accept it as a lesson learned as to what's important to you in a relationship.  Accept it as something you'll be able to pick up on sooner next time.

Now, once again, some people bury their issues/flaws intentionally from their partner.  I'm not talking about those situations.  I'm talking about situations in which the relationship doesn't work out
due to differences and one or both parties proceed to try to destroy the other person because they can't handle it accepting it maturely.

I see it time and time again.  It's like get over yourself, don't play small.  Just accept the fact that some people aren't meant to be and be the bigger person in the breakup.  I suppose hurt feelings
play a role in the need to demonize the other.

Anyway, folks that is why dating is called dating and not marrying, except when it is actually marrying Mr./Ms. Wrong.

I do want to include a personal story however.  One time I was going back and forth with the lady I met at my daughter's ice-skating lesson.  We talked a little back and forth and there was a bit of connection.  At some point, I was venting a little about my dad and she started ripping me.  It was just a little griping about his being difficult, not blaming him for all my life's ills.  Somehow that rubbed her wrong and I am thinking to myself, you know I'm still the same person as I was a couple weeks ago.  Long story short, she decided she didn't want me in her life.  I was pretty well coming to that conclusion as well, but was just going to let it drift naturally.  In other words, be dignified.  So, she texted me and said I don't think we should continue talking.  Which would have been fine if left at that.  However, she proceeded to criticize me.  I'm like I didn't ask your take, opinion or advice and I haven't told you what to think.  Now, I can take constructive criticism, but not that which is used as a pretense to shut me out and make yourself feel better about tossing me aside, especially when I've been nothing but nice to you.

Anyway, she was like 'blah, blah, blah'  and finished it up by saying have a blessed day--acting all pious.  This happened back and forth for a little bit.   Like I said, I told her "I don't remember requesting/requiring your opinion."  Apparently she didn't like that and was like 'blah blah blah'.  I finally got irritated and said, "Are you finished now, so I can get back to what I was doing?"  That shut her up.  I was never prouder of myself.  I basically told her in no uncertain terms, I didn't need her and that she'd be doing a favor by leaving me alone.  I didn't attack her, but I essentially told her that she has no right trying to take me down to make herself feel better.  Like I said I am open to criticism, but not that which is used to try to make you feel better about yourself.

I guess the takeaway is this if you are in a relationship and it doesn't work out and the person hasn't changed or hasn't gone out of the way to hide who they really are, then there is no shame in just ending it and saying, "We weren't right for each other".  There is no shame in admitting that maybe I didn't see these characteristics I don't like, but that doesn't make him/her a bad person, nor does it make me a fool.  In such a situation, where the shame comes in when you have to attempt to destroy or undermine the other person to sooth your hurt ego.

Anyway, I love my beautiful now-wife & she is flawless, haha.  No, what I love is her soul & I know she like the rest of the world doesn't have to be perfect, I love and accept her for who she is.  That's where the women in the audience say, "Awww"


* If you like this post, you will probably like
Life's misfortunes: No one is to blame

Dangers of a poorly thought out intervention, taking a horse to water

When jokingly expressing to a friend that he should have intervened in a family situation, I came up with this gem.  I was cracking up when I the thought of it popped in my head. 

DANGERS OF AN ILL PREPARED/THOUGHT-OUT INTERVENTION

With enough people you can take a horse to water
 And attempt to force it to drink
What you will likely end up with is a drowned horse
And a jail sentence for cruelty to animals

--------

In other words, sometimes if the person isn't open to it at all, the intervention could actually backfire. Secondarily, it can be dangerous to 
'swim in the pool' with an addict to reach them as it could drag you down with them.

The irony of this post didn't initially come to me.  But, there is one addiction, in which you don't want the proverbial horse to drink.  Namely, alcoholism.  In that case, you don't necessary want to take the horse to water.  You might want to take him or her to detox instead.  :o)

Cringeworthy parenting and Tom and Jerry as "Friends"

For those who follow my FB page, you might recognize this thought as I'd posted it previously.

I realized something deep and profound. So, I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about parent/kid boundaries. Namely being too much of a friend/buddy/confidant to your child rather than being a parent can be cringe-worthy to an outsider or yourself once you realize it. As you all know by now, my mind goes in unique directions at times. So, here goes. Okay, we all remember Tom and Jerry and how much fun it was to watch them they tangled. Though I hated Jerry always winning, I realize if Tom ever won, I guess the show would be over, but I digress. Anyway, I remember in the 1970s they had new episodes in which they were friends. I never really took to those. As a matter of fact, I found them quite annoying. I realized why.

Tom and Jerry are suppose to be natural enemies. Tom is suppose to chase Jerry and Jerry is suppose to defend himself. When they are best friends, that natural order feels completely off. Similarly, a parent is suppose to be keeping in mind his/her child's interest first, not be their child's best buddy or to seek their child's love and approval based on letting the kid have his/her way. When you see a parent/child relationship based on the latter, it feels off. I'll let you draw your own moral of the story or conclusions.

The highway, one-way streets and embracing vs. tolerating.

Do you find yourself consistently giving and giving in relationship and getting little in return?  It is like driving down the highway day after day in the same direction, cross country and expecting to make it home.   Sure, you can fill your tank up at places along the way, but eventually your car will break down and leave you stranded.  Similarly, you can scratch and claw and find hope in a one-sided, one-way relationship, but eventually you will be mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and having nothing left for anyone including yourself.

As my ex-father in law said, "the highway goes both ways".

Sometimes you just have to pull the car off the road and wait for the other person to drive to you.  It can feel risky, scary or uncertain when you are so used to doing the reaching out, but it is a necessary step.  If nothing else, you cannot expect the other to come to you if you continually deprive him/her of the opportunity to meet you halfway.  Beyond that, sometimes you just need to know IF the other person has the capacity and presence of mind to know he/she needs to meet you half way.

----

A variety of the above concept or a finer point on the scale is tolerating vs. embracing.   Tolerating, no matter how you wrap it up is never as warm, giving or loving when compared to embracing.

      Tolerating to me means:
         a) I don't really get you, but you offer me something anyway, so I will stay with  you.
         b) I don't necessary like you, but you offer me something anyway,....
         c) If you stop offering me something in return for tolerating you, don't be surprised if I leave.
Effectively, tolerating is a calculation that what I are putting up with is worth what I am getting in return.

     Embracing to me means:
        a) Your quirks are cute, funny or charming.
        b) I accept you for who you are, not what you can give me in return.
        c) I would feel sad if you changed the things that made you uniquely you.


So, the questions I ask myself are these: Am I tolerating or embracing?  What does embracing look like?  If I am tolerating, can I get to a point of embracing?

Some things/relationships aren't meant to be embraced or tolerated,  The keys are learning to embrace what we need to regardless of how unpleasant it is and those things/relationships we shouldn't tolerate letting go of them.

Why do we do hurt each other?

Last Sunday as part of Pastor Wedel's service, he made a really simple, but often overlooked point. HURTING PEOPLE HURT OTHERS.          *(This was written when Harold Wedel was the head pastor of Harvester Church of the Nazarene in early 2015. It was also written as my dad was dying.  I only hope he finds the peace that eluded him in life.  He passed away May 1, 2015).

Sometimes, we are so caught up in our own lives, our own fears, our own addictions, our own demons that we fail to see how we are affecting those around us.   The story I tell below is not to cry over spilled milk, bash my dad or ask for pity.  Instead it is a cautionary tale about how we hurt each other when we are hurting and how if we don't deal with our own demons, they can and will affect others.  So, please read it in that regard.

With my daughter, every dollar I spend on myself, friends or someone whom I'm dating, I have to weigh it in my heart: is that a dollar that I am depriving Olivia (or some other deserving soul) the benefit of?   My focus here will be my dad's alcoholism as that is the closest example to home, but in another it could be drugs, things, food, etc.

---

My dad apparently had/has demons that he has never really shared with his children. I only know this as I have heard bits and pieces from family members over the years of his early years. I don't know much about his foster family and I know even less about his family of origin. However, I do know this, whatever demons he had/has, he took them into a marriage with my mom and into his marriage family.

When he was sober, he could be mean, resentful, controlling. I think this was out of fear largely.  When he was drunk, he was much more friendly, but also less reliable. His sickness lead to the following:

1.  Proceeds from his paychecks going to watering holes and 'friends' of different sorts at those places.  This meant that his kids often went without.  I'm not talking about not being able to do little league or other activities,  I'm talking even more basic: eating not as healthy food, wearing beat up or torn clothes, birthdays and Christmas being generally disappointing (and embarrassing) and being promised all nature of things and rarely getting any of them.
2. He would disappear for hours and on one occasion that I remember for days.  I would at first be glad that he was not there to fight with my mom, but then I got scared he wasn't going to come back.
3. His kids being open to predatory types.  I think you know what I mean, so I won't elaborate.
4. Verbal and physical abuse of my mom and his kids.

He's never owned up to his alcoholism except to say, "I went to the bars so I wouldn't have to deal with your mother.  He never has come clean on much.  He never really has opened up about his family of origin, why he was in foster care, etc.  He is a shell of his former self today and God has given me the grace to forgive him and the willingness the see him in his later days despite it all.  I look at him and see a pitiful soul.  I think to myself, I need to share the Gospel with him, but there is a part of me that thinks he'll just be ignorant about it and what's the use?

On some level, I think he might have known that he was hurting my mom and his kids, but on some level he was in a deep state of denial.  He drank, justified it by a 'tough home life' and seem to think he could control it.  From what little I know instead of dealing with his early and pervasive demons/hurts, he decided to try to medicate them away daily and when he couldn't do that he was a difficult/controlling person to be around.  Even to the point of putting his others and his kids down, to elevate himself comparatively.

In other words, he was a hurting person, who hurt others.   Sometimes purposefully and sometimes just unwittingly selfishly.  He only stopped drinking at a later point when the Dr. told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued that way he'd be headed to the grave.  But, that's another point.

My brother Bill, God rest his soul, never overcame the hurt/demons that he endured in his childhood.  His passing was a wakeup call to me, that hurts do not go away on their own.  God used a terrible circumstance to give me a new life.  In other words, HOPE.

The takeaway from this post is this: 

1. What are we doing to deal with our fears, concerns, angst, worries?
2. Are we dealing with them in a healthy way: talking with our Heavenly Father aka prayer, venting to friends, journaling, counseling, talking to our ministers, support groups, 
3. Are we dealing with them in an unhealthy way: drinking, drugs, gambling, compulsive overeating/shopping, etc?
4. How are we treating those around us?  Not how we think we are, but how actually we are.
5. As long as we have air to breath, there is always hope.  Just as lungs can repair themselves from years of abuse smoking, God can help us repair broken lives and broken relationships.

This video below is more profound since he passed away in May 1, 2015.  Even if a parent is not the 'perfect' parent, they are your parent.

Accepting people for where they are.

As I am revamping my original blog about addiction/codependence, I will add a human nature post now. God blessed me with this enlightenment about an hour before church this past Sunday.

Accepting people for where they are:
So, as a single guy in his 40s dating and with friends who are in their 40s as well, I've come to many an insight. For example, everyone has a different path to where they are in life.
* Some have the clear path straight along the highway on a sunny day. They are very blessed and have seemingly made the 'proper' choices.
* The path of some is the scenic route where they take a few diversions. They mostly make the right choices but they make a few 'mistakes' along the way. In other words, they get to where they need to go, but they make a few 'bad choices'.
* The path of others is the long and winding road. They struggle with some of the basic questions: who am I, what is my purpose. They've made a number of questionable choices along the way. You look back at where they've come from and it is clear that it was almost inevitable that they would struggle.

What I've come to realize is that each person in my life has their own story. They have their own path. The people with the easier path, you don't begrudge them for not understanding. The people with the long and winding path, you don't judge them for where they've been. The people who took the scenic route, you listen to their story and appreciate the diversions they've taken. Really all of them you listen to their story.
God accepts each of us for where we've been so why shouldn't I? I guess the long and short of it is this: I don't care where you've come from, what you have or haven't done. As long as you are here today and treat others around you well, none of it matters. Anyway, that's my thought of the day. Take it for what it's worth. 

* (Now married - as of 3/12/16)

Just the way you are.