Double rainbow: 1 + 1 = 4

In processing through prior heartaches, I believe I received divine inspiration.  I believe that there is a simple mathematical way to represent completely destructive relationships, somewhat destructive relationships, functional partnerships, healthy relationships and very enriching relationships (double rainbow).  Below is a slightly amended version of my original concept.

(This was originally written in 2/16/15) 

Anyway, here goes:

COMPLETELY DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP
1 + 1 = 0  (this is what a completely destructive relationship looks like, each person ends up completely destroying the other--these ones you might hear on the news or at least end up being handled by law enforcement.)

DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP

1 + 1 = 1   (this is what a destructive relationship looks like, one person is pulled down completely or both people pull each other down somewhat.)

FUNCTIONAL PARTNERSHIPS

1 +  1 = 2  (this is a functional partnership, not a strong relationship, collectively neither add much to the relationship.)

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

1 + 1 = 3  (this is a healthy relationship, the sum is greater than the parts, each person compliments or lifts up the other person)

DOUBLE RAINBOW

1 + 1 = 4  (double rainbow, a rare find where each partner actually completely lifts the other up, this is the love of a lifetime).

Not to dismiss: Accepting the spiritual experiences of others

To those whose thoughts/circumstances I've incorporated into this blog entry, thank you, you know who you are...

--

As you know, I'm a professed, not perfect, Christian.

I have my flaws and have made mistakes, but have tried to learn and them.  I will continue to make mistakes, but with God's help, they will be fewer and less profound.  But, I digress.

I try to see things through the eyes of God as I understand him.  It is my hope that my family and friends see what I see and come to appreciate my faith, but that leads to my overriding point.

--

I think in this world, we often have preconceived notions of what is.  I believe the spiritual realm is so profound that there is no way we could grasp it in all its completeness and nuances at least on this side of our lives.

Anyway, we tend to have a need for answers, of absolute, visible proof of everything before we accept.  Hence the term, leap of faith for when we believe based on what we can't see.  In any case, how does one explain the profound evil in this world?  How does one explain the minor miracles that happen around us everyday?  How does one explain whom 'by chance' we meet, whom we connect with, whom comes into our lives?  Sure there some element of chance, but I believe God plays a huge role here.  Anyway, knowing what happens immediately around us and about us and in the world around us, it seems far fetched to not believe in the spiritual realm.  It seems unbelievable to reject the idea of a profound--but not seen--spiritual component in our lives.

Examples:
* If I am at my mom's grave-site and she's a (black) cat person and a stray black cat nearby gives me attention, who is to say that isn't a sign.

* If I considering starting a new chapter in my life and without warning I see a rainbow in the sky over the sun, why couldn't it be a sign from a recently passed loved one that it is time to move on from the previous chapter?

* If I have a dream in which I hear from a late family member, why couldn't it them reaching out to me?

Those are just some examples.  But, in my life, when my mom passed away unexpectedly last July (2014), I had already started planning a trip to Chicago.  It was her birth place and a place where she grew up and where she met my dad.  I wanted to do a trip with Olivia, but it was impractical to do a coastal trip at that point.  So, I wanted to go somewhere I could get relatively close.  A coworker suggested Chicago.  I'm like why not?   In the middle of planning the trip, as I mentioned, my mom passed away suddenly.  Before she passed away, she said, "I wish I could be there wish you".  Given her health, that was impractical.  But on the last day of my trip, I remembered that and I realized on some level that she was with me.   I miss my mom and wish I'd gotten to know her even better than I did.

Anyway, IMHO, who are we to decide what is or isn't a spiritual experience?  To me it strikes me as arrogant to dismiss out of hand what another person sees as a spiritual experience.  It's as if to say, I pretty well know God's mind and His ways.  No, I believe the spiritual realm is so profound we couldn't even begin to grasp it. All that being said, I believe there are limits to claims of the spiritual.  A Jim Jones who having his followers "drink the Koolaid" would seem to be an example of a claim of spiritual that isn't so--unless of course you are talking about Satanic.  Also, someone claiming every time they see a black cat to see their mom in it, could easily be seen as going over the top.  Sometimes a black cat is just simply what it is: a black cat.  But, there is so much we don't know, to dismiss out of hand that which we can't easily see or understand is presumptuous.


Just some musings.

This paradise wasn't paved with a parking lot, it was Hawaii

Love transcends time...

In the spirit of the Valentine's Day weekend (original post--2/15/15) which will soon be coming up again, I thought I'd post (repost) another entry on love.

So, quite a while back I was talking to a friend about relationships.   He had noted that bar relationships tend to fail when one gets sober.  They may fail even if both get sober.  In other words, once the filters are removed, once the beer colored glasses are removed, they see each other's flaws that were previously 'hidden'.

So, this got me to thinking:  How does one know what is true love?   I'm not sure if this is what defines it, but I think this is definitely a great indicator of true love:  true love transcends time.

--

Here's the theory:

If a couple was coming of age in the 2000s, they might share a joy or appreciation of technology.  They might relate on the basis of 9/11 facebook, youtube, texting, candy crush, etc.

Take the same couple and put them in the 1970s, the might relate on the basis of disco, the brady bunch, the bicentennial, match game, etc.

Put the couple in the 1960s, they might relate on the basis of the JFK assassination, Vietnam, the peace movement and flower children and the

Put them in the 1950s, the might relate on the basis of the Korea, the dawn of the rock and roll era, etc.

In the 1930s and 1940s, they'd relate on the basis of the depression and WWII, big band music etc.

And so on and so forth.

--

The point is the same couple will have some elements within them--it could be love of their fellow man, their faith, love of children, etc.   These elements within them attract the couple to each other.  It would not matter what era they were in, they would see something in each other's essence that would draw them to each other.  In other words, 'the things', the exact surroundings, the politics of the era would change, but their core beings--that which attracts them one another--would not change.  To me, if you can say it doesn't matter what era my significant other and I grew up in, we'd find a way to each other, that's an indication of true love to me.  You'd be saying our souls are compatible.  The soul connection is not dependent on the specifics of the era, but instead on the specifics of what animates each person.

Letting go and letting God - The timing and art of letting go.

As some of you know two years ago (2014) I had two significant deaths.  One was a friend from a church group I was attending, the other was my mom.  In 2011, it was my brother Bill.  As many know, I had a divorce in 2011 as well and various relationship disappointments over time.

So, I've had a little bit of experience in losing and letting go.  I've noticed a few things about letting go and this isn't meant as a 'blame' blog, but rather an observation one.

1) Our society isn't built for the proper grief,  Maybe any modern society isn't, but I don't know.  It's funny one week you are burying your mom, the next week you are back at work.   It's like, well we are sorry your close loved one died, but time moves on, there are deadlines.  So, after a few days, suck it up and pretend like nothing happened and keep pressing on with your job.   I don't blame anyone in particular.  Everyone has a job to do and people rely on me.  They can't just wait around until my head stops spinning from the recent tragedy.  In other words, the world invariably has to move on at some point.  But, sometimes it feel a little bit insensitive.

2) Everyone says, I'm sorry to hear about your <lost love one>.   In my case, it was my mom last July.   I know they are and I appreciate them for that.  But, sometimes everyone is not really sure what to say.  I don't blame them, grief is not a subject taught in school.  It tends to be something we pick up on the fly.  My friend James, whom I love like a brother, lost his mom around the beginning of the century and his dad more recently.   I was a friend of the family to them.  I liked his parents, but I didn't have the day to day interaction with them.   I was sad for him and I was bothered that our circle lost two wonderful people and the world was a little less complete place because of that.  Alternatively, everyone who knew them was better off for knowing each of them.
---
     James, your parents really set the example of how to raise a family and how, as a couple, to treat each other.  You and Pat were very blessed, but you know that. :-)
---
Anyway, he first lost his mom and I attempted to comfort him along the way and then grieve with him.  But, I knew whatever I said/did, fell short.  I just couldn't relate.  When I lost my brother in 2011, it really hit home.  I finally understood the hurt of losing such a significant person in your life.  I was able to revisit the loss in the lives of friends and say, you know I get it.  Moving forward, I now know how badly it can hurt someone, and not just in an abstract way.

3) Grief, really doesn't care what anyone thinks.  Grief has its own wants and needs.   I could say, well, that person was just a friend I knew for a short amount of time, so it's silly that I should really bothered by their passing.   Society might say, it's been years since, he/she has died, you need to move on.  Grief says, I'm not ready to let go.  You can push aside grief, but invariably it is still there just waiting like a needy child to be comforted.    Now that I think about it, grief is a bit jealous.  It can demand your attention.

4) What is moving on, what it isn't.
    a) It isn't forgetting about that person.  It person/relationship was significant, this may never happen.  You don't have to spend all your waking moments thinking about them to honor them or the significance of them in your life.
    b) It isn't disrespecting that person's memory.  Going forward is not disrespecting, it is meeting healthy needs in your life,
    d) It is knowing that nothing you can do will change what happened.  It was time for the loved one to go or the relationship to end.
    e) "Going there" only from time to time, rather than focusing paralyzing time/attention on them.
    f) It is being able to look back more clearly at the timeline of the loss.

I guess, the takeaway for me, is to try to be respectful of the mourning of another.  Each person's needs are different.  The best thing you can do is keep the other in your prayers that God gives the proper healing they need, He does it in the time which is right for them and gives you the patience and understanding to accept it.

** Since this was originally posted, my dad passed away at the age of 74 (May 1, 2015)

Guideposts

Stages of relationships and love

In honor of Valentine's day, I am blogging about the stages of love and relationships.  These may differ for everyone.  Anyway, here goes.

Meeting stage:
1) Meeting stage--online or in person.   They first catch you attention.
2) Thinking about them stage.  Wondering if they might be interested in you.

Initial realization stage:
3) Denial that you like them.  This is triggered by the need for self protection, aka not getting shot down or hurt.
4) Admitting you like them.  It can be in a dream, daydream or just realizing you can't get them off your mind.
5) Initial curiosity if he/she could be the one.  The other person is an angel to you and can do little wrong.
6)  Asking him/her out.  This is the concession that you'll go nuts if you don't ask them out.

Dating stages:
6) Denying how much you have the hots for the new person to your family/friends as you don't want to risk getting told to chill.  :-)
7) First date, hope he/she likes you.
8) Further dating, building a foundation.
9) Joking about marrying the person, but secretly you are dreaming it.

Secondary dating
10) Denial that you are really falling hard for them.   Once again, self-protection.   You can't get hurt by another if you aren't vulnerable.
11) Insanity of holding in your expression of love.  Literally, it's driving you nuts.
12)  One day it just comes out, I love you.
13) Denial to family/friends that you are in love (sometimes they've seen this act and they wonder about you).

Getting super serious.
14) Serious talk about marriage.  You are talking it out.
15) People ask if you've thought about marriage.  Third stage of denial: you play it cool and act like, in God's time.  What you really mean is your d*mn right I have, but I don't want to admit it.
16) Biding time before asking, meanwhile planning on it and scoping rings.
17)  Planning asking her hand in marriage.
18) Asking.
19) Admitting to family/friends you are thinking about marriage.  ;-)

Planning marriage
20) Talk it out and plan.
21) Fret about it.
22) Plan more
23) Fret more
24) Bicker
25) Make up.
26) Finish planning.

The marriage stage
27) Pre-wedding drama with family
28) Marriage
29) Hoping things work out.

It's just you and me and we just disagree...

When I originally posted this back in February 2015, I was about to post about dating these days, especially dating site dating, but I had a better idea at that moment.  I thought, I've seen enough relationships that end with a thud and a blame game and felt like perhaps I have some insight those.  To me, much of the time, relationships end with a huge blame game.  That to me is such a waste of energy which leaves no one happy. I think what drove this blog may have been that I was a bit irritable too in hearing about a particular broken relationship.  Don't fully remember now.

Anyway, in the beginning of many failed relationships, it's like a Steve Miller song.  Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time...  

Reality hits eventually.  We either realize the other person has traits we are not particularly fond of OR probably more accurately finally accept they have those traits.  Anyway, over time, we decide if the other is what we want in a mate.  Eventually, one (or more) of these types of scenarios will play out:

• Enough doubt accumulates and we wake up and think WTH am I doing in this situation? 
• A tipping point is hit in which we know we can't stay in the situation.
• Let's be honest: in some cases, we find another fancier newer toy--another person--that 'humors' us more. 
• We choose our addictions over the other person.

In any case, whatever reason for the breakup, there seem to be two common traits that are present at the end many/most relationships.  

   1) Needing to explain away how we could have spent as much time and effort in a failed relationship.

   2) Need to 'win' aka portray yourself as the reasonable one and the other as the jerk/nut/gold digger...

IMHO, it's really really a pride issue.  Assuming the person hasn't totally hid who they are, that is to say they are largely the same person as they were on day one, then whether you accept them now for who they are is not their problem,  it is your problem.  If I have a personality trait or whatever and I haven't hid it, but you are just now realizing the nature of it and don't like it, once again that isn't my problem, it is yours.  

For example, if I tell slightly off-color jokes and you seem to be fine with it for a long time--and even seem to laugh at them--and one day you attack me for it, how is that my issue? If one of your friends thought it was in bad taste and you rip me for it, how is it a my fault issue?  I haven't changed, you just have decided for whatever that is something you can't accept.  That's your prerogative, but to rip me for it now, isn't fair.

If you think to yourself, how could I have settled, that isn't my issue, it's yours.  Just because you weren't able to assess your wants or needs properly doesn't mean that that I should take the blame for it.  Don't just decide to attack me and label me as this or that because you carry your own shame and/or shame around your friends for 'settling'.  The mature way to handle it is to say, you know, "we are two different people and too different of people" and move on.  There doesn't have to be shame.  Instead accept it as a lesson learned as to what's important to you in a relationship.  Accept it as something you'll be able to pick up on sooner next time.

Now, once again, some people bury their issues/flaws intentionally from their partner.  I'm not talking about those situations.  I'm talking about situations in which the relationship doesn't work out
due to differences and one or both parties proceed to try to destroy the other person because they can't handle it accepting it maturely.

I see it time and time again.  It's like get over yourself, don't play small.  Just accept the fact that some people aren't meant to be and be the bigger person in the breakup.  I suppose hurt feelings
play a role in the need to demonize the other.

Anyway, folks that is why dating is called dating and not marrying, except when it is actually marrying Mr./Ms. Wrong.

I do want to include a personal story however.  One time I was going back and forth with the lady I met at my daughter's ice-skating lesson.  We talked a little back and forth and there was a bit of connection.  At some point, I was venting a little about my dad and she started ripping me.  It was just a little griping about his being difficult, not blaming him for all my life's ills.  Somehow that rubbed her wrong and I am thinking to myself, you know I'm still the same person as I was a couple weeks ago.  Long story short, she decided she didn't want me in her life.  I was pretty well coming to that conclusion as well, but was just going to let it drift naturally.  In other words, be dignified.  So, she texted me and said I don't think we should continue talking.  Which would have been fine if left at that.  However, she proceeded to criticize me.  I'm like I didn't ask your take, opinion or advice and I haven't told you what to think.  Now, I can take constructive criticism, but not that which is used as a pretense to shut me out and make yourself feel better about tossing me aside, especially when I've been nothing but nice to you.

Anyway, she was like 'blah, blah, blah'  and finished it up by saying have a blessed day--acting all pious.  This happened back and forth for a little bit.   Like I said, I told her "I don't remember requesting/requiring your opinion."  Apparently she didn't like that and was like 'blah blah blah'.  I finally got irritated and said, "Are you finished now, so I can get back to what I was doing?"  That shut her up.  I was never prouder of myself.  I basically told her in no uncertain terms, I didn't need her and that she'd be doing a favor by leaving me alone.  I didn't attack her, but I essentially told her that she has no right trying to take me down to make herself feel better.  Like I said I am open to criticism, but not that which is used to try to make you feel better about yourself.

I guess the takeaway is this if you are in a relationship and it doesn't work out and the person hasn't changed or hasn't gone out of the way to hide who they really are, then there is no shame in just ending it and saying, "We weren't right for each other".  There is no shame in admitting that maybe I didn't see these characteristics I don't like, but that doesn't make him/her a bad person, nor does it make me a fool.  In such a situation, where the shame comes in when you have to attempt to destroy or undermine the other person to sooth your hurt ego.

Anyway, I love my beautiful now-wife & she is flawless, haha.  No, what I love is her soul & I know she like the rest of the world doesn't have to be perfect, I love and accept her for who she is.  That's where the women in the audience say, "Awww"


* If you like this post, you will probably like
Life's misfortunes: No one is to blame

Dangers of a poorly thought out intervention, taking a horse to water

When jokingly expressing to a friend that he should have intervened in a family situation, I came up with this gem.  I was cracking up when I the thought of it popped in my head. 

DANGERS OF AN ILL PREPARED/THOUGHT-OUT INTERVENTION

With enough people you can take a horse to water
 And attempt to force it to drink
What you will likely end up with is a drowned horse
And a jail sentence for cruelty to animals

--------

In other words, sometimes if the person isn't open to it at all, the intervention could actually backfire. Secondarily, it can be dangerous to 
'swim in the pool' with an addict to reach them as it could drag you down with them.

The irony of this post didn't initially come to me.  But, there is one addiction, in which you don't want the proverbial horse to drink.  Namely, alcoholism.  In that case, you don't necessary want to take the horse to water.  You might want to take him or her to detox instead.  :o)