Hey Soul Sister visited

This blog entry is a huge digression from my others.  For reasons that are deeply personal, this song was at first one that I enjoyed, then didn't enjoy and now have learned to listen to and embrace again.

I've heard this song possibly a hundred times or more, but never really got the meaning of it.  Now that I do, it is so obvious.  Lines such as the following make it obvious:


I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I let you go and blow my mind
   -- She's made such a huge impact on him. Her understanding of him has blown his mind.

I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind
    -- He saying we are kindred spirits.

You see, I can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing I can't be
    -- He's saying I don't have to hide who I am or pretend to be something I'm not.

Essentially, he has found a kindred spirit, a soul mate, a "Soul Sister" as it were.  The woman in his life accepts him for who he is, she gets him, but even more so, she embraces him..  Even more so, in many ways, he finds that she more often than not, travels the same road as him.   In a word, he is singing a love song to his soul mate.  

98% rule: someone has to take blame...

98% is an excellent percent on a math or spelling test.  It is an out of this world free throw percentage in basketball.  It is an excellent level of purity of gold.  However, in terms of how often one side in a relationship is right, it is a terrible percentage.

A few years ago, I came up with something I call it the 98% rule.  The point of it is that when you find yourself admitting you are wrong most all the time with an occasional concession by your partner, you are likely in an unhealthy relationship.

The way I see it, 98% blame either means one of two things:

1. Most likely, you are in codependent relationship where someone has to take the shame or blame for the ills of the relationship.  In reality, the blame could/should be split more equally.  Generally speaking, 'blame' won't be shared 50/50.  It might be 60/40 or perhaps 30/70, but still each side has culpability.
2. One person in the relationship is a real jerk or narcissist.  He or she is actually mean/controlling/abusive.  In this case, he or she is actually wrong most of the time.  If you can look at a relationship honestly and say, this is how I feel about the other person, it's probably time to move on from it. In other words, if the other person is actually a big enough narcissist to be wrong most of the time and let you take the fault instead, it is an unhealthy relationship

Never let another person use your flaws to control you with shame.  I don't mean to avoid talking about the tough subject matter or to shut down another when they speak frankly about you.  What I mean is do not allow yourself to be manipulated to where you seem to boxed into taking the blame or admitting fault where it isn't appropriate.  Guilt over mistakes is a healthy grieving process.  Shame over them is treating yourself as if you are the mistake.  Don't let anyone take a sore point and beat you over the head with it to control you.

The controlling person may win the battle, but they eventually will lose the war.  They will be seen for who they are.  Just don't let yourself be dragged down into their manipulation, their insecurities, their fear.

---

A friend once said to me that "healthy people don't tend to marry sick people".  I am not sure where he got it, it might have been from AA?  Anyway, he made an excellent point.  This supports my above point.  If, in a relationship, there is a degree of unhealthy in both parties, it is likely that each has the ability to make mistakes and therefore are wrong from time to time. If each person recognizes it and can own up to it, there is hope for the relationship.

Just some thoughts...

2D vs. 3D relationships

From my own personal experience and that of others, it occurred to me why a lot of relationships fail.  Putting it in geometrical terms, couples often relate in 2D terms rather than 3D terms.  In other words, the relationships are flat, when they need some added dimension.

--

2D - You know about the other person.  (mostly facts, no real dimension).  For example,

• You may know about what the important dates are in their life.
• You may know about what their favorite color is.
• You may know about what type of foods they like to eat.
• But, you don't really know them 

You know that he likes go karts, mini-golf, arcade games and has a childlike side.  So, you might for a birthday take him to Putt Putt Fun Center.  You pat yourself on the back for 'knowing him'.  What he really wanted was to do something grown up like go to sports bar, with darts, a pool table, karaoke and just a general grown-up ambiance.

You may know that she likes Hello Kitty and know that she likes purses.  So, instead of getting her a Coach purse, you get her a 'cute' Hello Kitty one, thinking she'd love it.  She like Hello Kitty in some things, but she wants a grown-up purse.  

In each case, you may know things about your significant other, but they don't really know them. 

--

3D - You know about them and you know them. (dimension). Examples of 3D are:

• You know not only the important dates in their life, but you remember the unscripted moments.
• You know not only what their favorite color is, but have the sense of what shade they like or why they like that color. 
• You know the special place he/she likes to eat their favorite food or the the occasions he/she likes that dish. 
• You really do know them.

He likes to be playful, but he wants to be the grown-up.  He wants to feel needed, to be your hero and you know that.

She is a little girl at heart in many ways and wants you to see that, but she wants also to know that you appreciate her femininity.  She wants you to notice her grown up sexy, sophisticated hair cut.

---

2D --- one says "I love U", the other says "I love you too"

3D --- one says "I love U", the other says "I love U 2"

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The real question is this: 

Are you only interested in knowing your partner enough that you can fake it while getting from him/her what 'you need' and hoping it's enough.

OR 

Do you want to do the real work of knowing him/her, what is truly important to him or her and what he/she means when they say something VS. what they actually say?

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I know I want to live in a world of relationships with dimension/depth/soul vs. a world of relationships that are surface.

Double rainbow: 1 + 1 = 4

In processing through prior heartaches, I believe I received divine inspiration.  I believe that there is a simple mathematical way to represent completely destructive relationships, somewhat destructive relationships, functional partnerships, healthy relationships and very enriching relationships (double rainbow).  Below is a slightly amended version of my original concept.

(This was originally written in 2/16/15) 

Anyway, here goes:

COMPLETELY DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP
1 + 1 = 0  (this is what a completely destructive relationship looks like, each person ends up completely destroying the other--these ones you might hear on the news or at least end up being handled by law enforcement.)

DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP

1 + 1 = 1   (this is what a destructive relationship looks like, one person is pulled down completely or both people pull each other down somewhat.)

FUNCTIONAL PARTNERSHIPS

1 +  1 = 2  (this is a functional partnership, not a strong relationship, collectively neither add much to the relationship.)

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

1 + 1 = 3  (this is a healthy relationship, the sum is greater than the parts, each person compliments or lifts up the other person)

DOUBLE RAINBOW

1 + 1 = 4  (double rainbow, a rare find where each partner actually completely lifts the other up, this is the love of a lifetime).

Not to dismiss: Accepting the spiritual experiences of others

To those whose thoughts/circumstances I've incorporated into this blog entry, thank you, you know who you are...

--

As you know, I'm a professed, not perfect, Christian.

I have my flaws and have made mistakes, but have tried to learn and them.  I will continue to make mistakes, but with God's help, they will be fewer and less profound.  But, I digress.

I try to see things through the eyes of God as I understand him.  It is my hope that my family and friends see what I see and come to appreciate my faith, but that leads to my overriding point.

--

I think in this world, we often have preconceived notions of what is.  I believe the spiritual realm is so profound that there is no way we could grasp it in all its completeness and nuances at least on this side of our lives.

Anyway, we tend to have a need for answers, of absolute, visible proof of everything before we accept.  Hence the term, leap of faith for when we believe based on what we can't see.  In any case, how does one explain the profound evil in this world?  How does one explain the minor miracles that happen around us everyday?  How does one explain whom 'by chance' we meet, whom we connect with, whom comes into our lives?  Sure there some element of chance, but I believe God plays a huge role here.  Anyway, knowing what happens immediately around us and about us and in the world around us, it seems far fetched to not believe in the spiritual realm.  It seems unbelievable to reject the idea of a profound--but not seen--spiritual component in our lives.

Examples:
* If I am at my mom's grave-site and she's a (black) cat person and a stray black cat nearby gives me attention, who is to say that isn't a sign.

* If I considering starting a new chapter in my life and without warning I see a rainbow in the sky over the sun, why couldn't it be a sign from a recently passed loved one that it is time to move on from the previous chapter?

* If I have a dream in which I hear from a late family member, why couldn't it them reaching out to me?

Those are just some examples.  But, in my life, when my mom passed away unexpectedly last July (2014), I had already started planning a trip to Chicago.  It was her birth place and a place where she grew up and where she met my dad.  I wanted to do a trip with Olivia, but it was impractical to do a coastal trip at that point.  So, I wanted to go somewhere I could get relatively close.  A coworker suggested Chicago.  I'm like why not?   In the middle of planning the trip, as I mentioned, my mom passed away suddenly.  Before she passed away, she said, "I wish I could be there wish you".  Given her health, that was impractical.  But on the last day of my trip, I remembered that and I realized on some level that she was with me.   I miss my mom and wish I'd gotten to know her even better than I did.

Anyway, IMHO, who are we to decide what is or isn't a spiritual experience?  To me it strikes me as arrogant to dismiss out of hand what another person sees as a spiritual experience.  It's as if to say, I pretty well know God's mind and His ways.  No, I believe the spiritual realm is so profound we couldn't even begin to grasp it. All that being said, I believe there are limits to claims of the spiritual.  A Jim Jones who having his followers "drink the Koolaid" would seem to be an example of a claim of spiritual that isn't so--unless of course you are talking about Satanic.  Also, someone claiming every time they see a black cat to see their mom in it, could easily be seen as going over the top.  Sometimes a black cat is just simply what it is: a black cat.  But, there is so much we don't know, to dismiss out of hand that which we can't easily see or understand is presumptuous.


Just some musings.

This paradise wasn't paved with a parking lot, it was Hawaii

Love transcends time...

In the spirit of the Valentine's Day weekend (original post--2/15/15) which will soon be coming up again, I thought I'd post (repost) another entry on love.

So, quite a while back I was talking to a friend about relationships.   He had noted that bar relationships tend to fail when one gets sober.  They may fail even if both get sober.  In other words, once the filters are removed, once the beer colored glasses are removed, they see each other's flaws that were previously 'hidden'.

So, this got me to thinking:  How does one know what is true love?   I'm not sure if this is what defines it, but I think this is definitely a great indicator of true love:  true love transcends time.

--

Here's the theory:

If a couple was coming of age in the 2000s, they might share a joy or appreciation of technology.  They might relate on the basis of 9/11 facebook, youtube, texting, candy crush, etc.

Take the same couple and put them in the 1970s, the might relate on the basis of disco, the brady bunch, the bicentennial, match game, etc.

Put the couple in the 1960s, they might relate on the basis of the JFK assassination, Vietnam, the peace movement and flower children and the

Put them in the 1950s, the might relate on the basis of the Korea, the dawn of the rock and roll era, etc.

In the 1930s and 1940s, they'd relate on the basis of the depression and WWII, big band music etc.

And so on and so forth.

--

The point is the same couple will have some elements within them--it could be love of their fellow man, their faith, love of children, etc.   These elements within them attract the couple to each other.  It would not matter what era they were in, they would see something in each other's essence that would draw them to each other.  In other words, 'the things', the exact surroundings, the politics of the era would change, but their core beings--that which attracts them one another--would not change.  To me, if you can say it doesn't matter what era my significant other and I grew up in, we'd find a way to each other, that's an indication of true love to me.  You'd be saying our souls are compatible.  The soul connection is not dependent on the specifics of the era, but instead on the specifics of what animates each person.

Letting go and letting God - The timing and art of letting go.

As some of you know two years ago (2014) I had two significant deaths.  One was a friend from a church group I was attending, the other was my mom.  In 2011, it was my brother Bill.  As many know, I had a divorce in 2011 as well and various relationship disappointments over time.

So, I've had a little bit of experience in losing and letting go.  I've noticed a few things about letting go and this isn't meant as a 'blame' blog, but rather an observation one.

1) Our society isn't built for the proper grief,  Maybe any modern society isn't, but I don't know.  It's funny one week you are burying your mom, the next week you are back at work.   It's like, well we are sorry your close loved one died, but time moves on, there are deadlines.  So, after a few days, suck it up and pretend like nothing happened and keep pressing on with your job.   I don't blame anyone in particular.  Everyone has a job to do and people rely on me.  They can't just wait around until my head stops spinning from the recent tragedy.  In other words, the world invariably has to move on at some point.  But, sometimes it feel a little bit insensitive.

2) Everyone says, I'm sorry to hear about your <lost love one>.   In my case, it was my mom last July.   I know they are and I appreciate them for that.  But, sometimes everyone is not really sure what to say.  I don't blame them, grief is not a subject taught in school.  It tends to be something we pick up on the fly.  My friend James, whom I love like a brother, lost his mom around the beginning of the century and his dad more recently.   I was a friend of the family to them.  I liked his parents, but I didn't have the day to day interaction with them.   I was sad for him and I was bothered that our circle lost two wonderful people and the world was a little less complete place because of that.  Alternatively, everyone who knew them was better off for knowing each of them.
---
     James, your parents really set the example of how to raise a family and how, as a couple, to treat each other.  You and Pat were very blessed, but you know that. :-)
---
Anyway, he first lost his mom and I attempted to comfort him along the way and then grieve with him.  But, I knew whatever I said/did, fell short.  I just couldn't relate.  When I lost my brother in 2011, it really hit home.  I finally understood the hurt of losing such a significant person in your life.  I was able to revisit the loss in the lives of friends and say, you know I get it.  Moving forward, I now know how badly it can hurt someone, and not just in an abstract way.

3) Grief, really doesn't care what anyone thinks.  Grief has its own wants and needs.   I could say, well, that person was just a friend I knew for a short amount of time, so it's silly that I should really bothered by their passing.   Society might say, it's been years since, he/she has died, you need to move on.  Grief says, I'm not ready to let go.  You can push aside grief, but invariably it is still there just waiting like a needy child to be comforted.    Now that I think about it, grief is a bit jealous.  It can demand your attention.

4) What is moving on, what it isn't.
    a) It isn't forgetting about that person.  It person/relationship was significant, this may never happen.  You don't have to spend all your waking moments thinking about them to honor them or the significance of them in your life.
    b) It isn't disrespecting that person's memory.  Going forward is not disrespecting, it is meeting healthy needs in your life,
    d) It is knowing that nothing you can do will change what happened.  It was time for the loved one to go or the relationship to end.
    e) "Going there" only from time to time, rather than focusing paralyzing time/attention on them.
    f) It is being able to look back more clearly at the timeline of the loss.

I guess, the takeaway for me, is to try to be respectful of the mourning of another.  Each person's needs are different.  The best thing you can do is keep the other in your prayers that God gives the proper healing they need, He does it in the time which is right for them and gives you the patience and understanding to accept it.

** Since this was originally posted, my dad passed away at the age of 74 (May 1, 2015)

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