Traveling through life with a purpose: Meeting others for a reason, season or lifetime.

I guess I've always known that people come in and out of our lives for different reasons, though I haven't always fully accepted it.  Sometimes we lose them to relationships ending, sometimes we lose them to the death and sometimes if we are truly fortunate, we keep them for a lifetime.  I guess this is sort of a follow-up to a prior blog entry: The reflection across the pond: the connection of the past to the future which we embrace.

It seems cliche, but people do move in and out of our lives or stay in our lives for a reason.  I've heard it said that when relationships end, it is like a death where the other is still alive.  Of course when our loved ones actually pass on, it literally is a death.  Either way, it is easy to succumb to questioning God why?  It is easy to question Him, why do we have to feel the pain of loss?  The pain of loss may never truly go away, but with His help, often times we can gain a better understanding of their purpose or role in our lives and more importantly a serenity about it.

When it is a relationship--friendship, romantic or familial--that ends in a 'divorce', even if it was for the best, I believe it usually leaves a hole in our soul,  It can leave us in a state of bewilderment as in what the heck happened.   It's as if one day we were close, but figuratively a million miles away from that person, even if they are just up the street.  It can be cruel: the closeness we once--even possibly recently-- had has vanished.  In a way, the shell of the relationship is like a corpse that isn't buried, but in plain sight.  It is easy to focus on the loss of that relationship rather than the purpose or benefit of that relationship had during its lifetime.

• The friendship that has faded over time or distance may have served us when we were going through a tough time.
• The relationship we had led to new experiences that we may have never had otherwise and/or may have left us with a child.
• The family member that has drifted away from us, may have allowed us to gain a better insight into ourselves and/or who/what shaped us in our formative years.

The key here is not to get stuck in the what ifs or why nots, but accept what is.  It can feel cruel, but given time to mourn and His help we can learn to appreciate what we gained from those relationships, rather than what ifs or why nots.

I've had friends abandon me and I've been divorced and both situations are painful, but I have been able to look back and see that those friends have often helped during the lifetime of the friendship.  Also, I know with my divorce, that though things ended out badly, I learned much about myself, did have some positive adventures, found out what is really important and how to be a better person.  Furthermore, I did gain a daughter.  In other words, I can move forward, because the relationship, even as it failed, wasn't a total loss.

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When a relationship ends with a death--even if it is expected, there is a certain shocking absoluteness to it.  When a relationship ends in a 'divorce', at least we can humor the concept that one day that the personal interaction or our state of mind will be reconciled at least to a healthier place.  In other words, there is a hope even after it is over, it doesn't have to stay awful.  Unfortunately, when a relationship ends with a death, it is frozen where it ended.  If the person died when we weren't 'at peace' with them, there can be shame associated with letting the opportunity to come to terms with them pass us by.  If the person died abruptly, we can be left without really having had the opportunity to say goodbye.  What can be especially cruel is if they die senselessly and we, in hindsight, 'should have seen it coming'.  Unfortunately, unless we are truly prepared for the passing by death of a relationship, it can take a long time, if ever to truly recover from.

Once again, however, after a time of mourning, we are best served by not being chronically stuck in the what-ifs or the 'Why God, whys'.  It is very difficult, but instead of focusing on the fact that we will never see that person in this life again, we should attempt to view things this way:

• We were fortunate to have that person in our life for as many years as they were.  We were never promised any time with that person and the fact that they we got the opportunity to know them has enriched our own lives.  In other words, their presence in our lives for as short or long as it was, was a Gift.
• If we are confident of their ultimate destination to a better place, we can rest better knowing the person's struggle with the challenges in this life have been replaced with something much better.
• The person who had passed typically would not want us to mourn them for too long, but instead carry on.  Carrying on doesn't mean forgetting that person, but instead it means remembering them in a healthy way.

Our life in this shell that we call our body is a Gift of the Almighty.  Our fall from grace, unfortunately caused us to lose our immortality.  Therefore, unfortunately, as sure as the sun rises in the morning and sets at night we will lose special people in our lifetime, so it is best if we can learn to value the time we have with them as we go along and then embrace having had that time with them when they pass.  Death may end a relationship, but it doesn't have to destroy the positive memories of it and our serenity indefinitely.

I was broken up when my brother took his life over 4 1/2 years ago, but in his life and his passing, I have learned that he has given me certain gifts that I can never repay.  He gave me a great example of a compassionate and kind soul.  He gave me an example of a person who was his own person.  In other words, it is more important to be true to yourself.  He reminded me that when life overwhelms me, instead of retreating, it is important to reach out.  Far from being a sign of weakness, reaching out is a sign of strength.  Real courage is doing something you need to even when you don't want to, to opening up to those you need to rather than letting pride get in the way. 

---

If we are really fortunate in this life, we will meet a handful of special people that stay with us until our number is called--be it a spouse, a sibling, a friends or other.   I have come to appreciate these people.  These are our true support system.  These are the people we bounce our ideas off of.  These our the people that give us grounding when we seek to explore the uncertainties of life around us.  These are the people we can count on day or night.  These are the people we should say a prayer of thanks to the Almighty for.  The key here is to recognize these people when they come along and/or a part of our lives.

---

Whether we meet others for a time and they disappear, a time and they pass on or our lifetime, the key is recognize their purpose or role in our lives and accept the time they are in our lives.

The reflection across the pond: the connection of the past to the future which we embrace.

Kristi,

A funny thing happened on the way to getting married to you last weekend.   I remembered the past as a reflection in the water.  I was standing on one side of the water, but looking down and across the pond, I saw a reflection on the other side of the water.  In that reflection, was my old life.   My old life had some good points and some not so good points, but the reflection was quite clear to me.

Just recently Nancy Reagan passed away at the age of 94.  It seemed like just yesterday that her husband Ronald Reagan had passed away not too long before to great fanfare and mourning.  But, it was really actually near 12 years ago.   Twelve years ago was a very different time and a place in my life (as I suspect it is for many people, including my wife Kristi). I was in a different relationship, my daughter hadn't been born yet, three of my late family members were alive and well, I had my old house and enough hair to justify not shaving it yet.  In short, I had a relatively simple life and had yet to experience some of the darkest moments.   But like a reflection, it wasn't as 'solid' and carefree as it seemed.  The storm clouds were always there waiting to disrupt the reflection, but they hadn't yet evidenced themselves.

Little did I know, that withing a few years, I would have a daughter, my former relationship would reveal itself as having a weak foundation, and just about everything else I took for granted would change in a my life.  Much of what seemed permanent and important then, now I know to have been temporary or passing and unimportant.  But, so it is with life's rich experiences.  You don't always have a sense of what really is until long after the fact.  However, looking back you realize that if you had looked closely enough, you'd have seen the storm clouds and recognized things for what they really are/were.  Maybe that's why wisdom is more often associated with older people.  Older people, have had the opportunity in many cases to experience that carefree optimism, but also have seen much of that optimism struck head-on by life's storms.

But, I digress.  I have come to recognize that when facing life-changing events it is inevitable to do reflecting and perhaps some soul-searching.   Since the day I met you, you have always has been one to not only accept me, but to understand me and enjoy me for who I am.  I hope you can say I provide the same.  After a moment or two to consider the reflection in the water, I realized that it is okay to remember and if necessary mourn the losses of  the soon-to-be old life, while embracing the new life with you and your kids.  We can't and shouldn't worry about relitigating the past, but we can and should embrace the future God has put forward to us.

I wave goodbye to the reflection, but that doesn't mean I will forget it, it just means I choose to embrace the unknown future with you, my lifetime partner.  But, I embrace it with the the hard earned wisdom of what love is truly all about.  I intend to use the wisdom God had blessed me with to embrace the new life He has set before me.

Love,
Your husband Rich

Accepting help or gifts is a form of giving.

With my birthday and Christmas in the rearview and my impending wedding in the forefront, I had pondered about gifts and how I do or don't accept them.  (Written 2/27/16)

I have always been the type to give freely to others, to try to consider what might be important to them, but I've always struggled with accepting gifts, especially if they are of significant monetary value.  I mean ultimately, I probably will accept them, but I really don't feel comfortable at all with it.  In fact, it really makes me feel a little guilty for accepting gifts of value.  Now, on the other hand, I have no issue accepting gifts that are directed toward my daughter Olivia.  If they are directed towards my fiancée--now wife--and I, I think I'd be okay.

I suspect I'm far from the unique in this type of mindset.  Why is that?  Growing up, I learned to accept wanting for at times.  I learned to accept not having or getting too much.  Maybe, when I receive gifts, I suspect there might be an expectation it that I might not fulfill?   Maybe at times, I don't feel I deserve to be made a big deal of.   I'm not really sure and perhaps it doesn't really matter.  However, I do know this much,  this type of mindset tends to focus on MY NEEDS and MY EMOTIONAL WELLBEING.  In other words, I am thinking about what "I" am comfortable with and not necessarily the needs of the giver.

In pondering the subject matter, I've come to a few conclusions:

• Provided that it is clear the giver isn't expecting anything except my gratitude for giving to me, it might just be alright to accept a gift.
• Provided that I am not knowingly taking advantage of their generosity--and cynically put on a false humility to hide my greed--it might just be alright to accept a gift. 
• Provided I either reciprocate--in kind or giving of myself--out of love and/or pay forward with said generosity, accepting a gift might just be okay. 
• Sometimes people give generously as it makes them feel good.  In other words, a friend might know I need help, but am too proud to ask, but he or she steps up and offers the help.  He or she gets the warm feeling of helping me when it wasn't asked.  It's almost if they are saying your emotional well-being and is important to me and if I can just move that a little cause I like you, allow me that.  In a way, how we accept a gift determines if we are 'giving back' to the gift giver.  Do we give them an opportunity to feel good about themselves when they have offered to help us in a time of crisis.

I guess the short summary of this blog post for me is:

• To not greedily take advantage of other's generosity.
• To not accept gifts that come bearing 'controlling' expectations of me.
• To recognize generosity to me and to at least pay it forward when I am in a place to do.

But, most of all, I have to remember this one simple idea: recognize that in accepting another's gift(s), I may just be affording them an opportunity to feel good about themselves and that means something.

Thanks Ben for giving me the opportunity to see you in Baltimore when I wasn't in a position to pay for a flight.  I hope I gave back by offering my friendship to you.

Given my imminent marriage, I felt that this song would be an appropriate end to this blog entry.

Why Can't We Be Friends?: A Thesis on Types of Friends

Recently, I saw a few friends that I hadn't seen in years.  Actually, the last time I saw them was before me and my ex split up for good.  They were nice enough and all, so I have no complaints about anyone individually.  However, it felt like there was a serious disconnect.  In conversations with a number of people over the years,  I have heard stories of them 'losing' friends when they've sobered up, split up, stop working somewhere, stop going to school somewhere, stop going to church somewhere or had their significant other passed away. Unfortunately, to me this points out a painful question: were they ever really our friends?

(Updated 7/16/19)

I guess I would split people in our lives into a few categories:

• Transactional Friends
• Acquaintances
• 'Friends' of convenience.
• True friends 

Transactional (or For-the-Moment) Friends:

• This is the most shallow type friendship/relationship.
• People you meet for a limited time, typically sharing an experience together such as meeting in line somewhere, meeting at an event, etc.
• Get to talking to kill the time, to kill the drudgery, to be heard or to flirt.  
• Most of the time there is an unspoken understanding that the 'friendship' will last as long as the situation lasts as you aren't necessarily seeking a new interpersonal relationship.  If there isn't that understanding, the inevitable separation can be awkward.
• As long as you understand the limits here, these types of 'friendships' can help your well-being.  These are the fill-in-the gap friendships that can make you feel 'heard' without all the overhead or 'expense' of a deep friendship.
• I noticed the way my daughter growing up would go to the park, camp, etc. and meet other kids for a bit.   She would say, I made a new friend even though the 'friend' wasn't usually going to be a lasting friend, but instead a 'for the moment' friend.

Acquaintances:

• You don't really share much in common.
• Without a connecting person or people, conversation can be awkward, especially conversation of any depth.  Therefore, when the connecting person/people are gone, this 'friendship' can end VERY abruptly.
• This is what I consider a 1D friendship.
• Examples: Friends of your spouse aka marriage friends, friends of the larger group who you never hang out with alone and friends of friends.

Friends of convenience:

• Are friends who will hang with you if you happen to share a situation or vice in common, but aren't interested in you beyond that.  In other words, they like that aspect about you or commonality, but aren't interested in anything else about you.  
• They like you for what you can do for them.  I would call this a 2D friendship.
• They can't be counted on, when circumstances/situation changes such as sobering up, changing jobs, stop attending church somewhere, etc.  In other words, there is an expiration date on the friendship - once the 'benefit' or convenience isn't there, the friendship dies off quickly.
• Examples: work friends, school friends, bar or drinking type friends.

True friends:

• Are friends that like you for who you are, not what you can do for them.
• They are friends with you, no matter where you are, no matter what life circumstances change around you.
• They may take from you--such as bending your ear--but they are cognizant of your needs too.
• Are truly form a 3D friendship with you.
• Examples: friend since childhood, friends who have experienced similar traumas, etc.

Each type of 'friend' has a place in our lives, but it is up to us to recognize the role they have in our life.  I believe where the pain comes in sometimes is 'losing' someone who you thought was a true friend, but turned to be a friend of convenience or a associate.  The pain can also come in when you might someone and think they could develop into a true friends, but are only a transactional friend. In other words, too much was expected of that person.  The expectation vs. reality was way out of sync.  I have found the best way of dealing in friendship is to recognize them for what they are and not to push them for what they aren't.

Just my thoughts on friendships.

Paint by Numbers, useful in therapy, but a poor way to parent.

(In honor of Father's Day which is upon us tomorrow, I am re-posting and editing this blog at it still applies today as it did when it was originally written...) It is the best of times, it is the worst of times.   Those true words were spoken in "A Tale of Two Cities", but in a way that applies all the resources we have for parenting today.  We have so many 'experts' giving us advice on how to parent.  They tell us:

• What set of steps we should take when our kids won't listen.
• What illness or issue our kid may or may not have, the precise symptoms to look for and how to treat them.
• How to be reach out to your child and/or meet him or her on their level.
• What activities they should participate in to become an 'adjusted adult'.
• What 'decisions' or 'choices' we should allow them to have.
• What they should eat, what they shouldn't eat.
• What is a good structure for their day, week, month, year and life.
• Etc.

In other words, when in doubt, find the resource which tell us what to do and follow the script.   If suggested plan A doesn't work, try plan B.  If suggested plan B, doesn't work, try plan C.  You almost wonder how the hell previous generations survived into adulthood given what few resources they had relatively speaking.

No don't get me wrong, clearly having more resources and better resources is a good thing.  However, we should be careful not to replace 'real parenting' with a series of steps or Dr. Phil's daily wisdom.   We should not 'pray' to the gods of children's self-help books and take their wisdom as gospel.  Nor should we substitute verbatim a therapist or counselor's words for our own intuition.  In other words, you just can't apply "paint by numbers" technique to raising a child.  That is to say, mindlessly apply techniques based on an expected result and then be surprised or dismayed when your children don't do well with them.

There is absolutely no substitute for spending time with your child and getting to know him or her.  

See 2D vs. 3D relationships.  That was meant more so for romantic relationships, but much of the same concepts still apply.

While I understand and accept the notions of structure, discipline and consistency.  I believe that many people overlook or underutilize what I call "Intuitive parenting".   So, what does that look like?  Intuitive parenting to me includes some of the following:

• Paying attention or 'listening' to our kids.  We may perceive that they aren't doing what we want or need them to do because they just want to do what they want.  We also might perceive that they just don't want to listen us.  But often, there is a reason why they aren't 'listening', even if it is misguided.  Sometimes the key is asking the right question to them.  For example, if he/she is difficult about brushing their teeth, don't automatically assume it is because they are lazy or whatever.  It could be that the toothpaste they are using 'burns' their mouth.  Seek what is block, don't assume your kid is 
• Showing flexibility at obvious points.   
• When a child is throwing a fit or being difficult, it is easy to get into a shouting match, to give in or too play Freud with him or her.   Sometimes, you just need to go outside the usual techniques to disrupt the pattern.  For example, appeal to his or her funny bone.  If you can get them laughing, you may very well throw them off their 'tantrum' pattern.
• Too much rigidity in their schedule, can actually be a detriment.  
• For example, if he or she is having a horrible day, your child might just need you to waive the normal bedtime to give him or her a chance to talk about it with you without worrying about exact number of sleep hours.
• Sometimes you just have to alter the 'plan' for the day to take into account issues your child is having that day.  You could try to press on with the script for the day and scold your child when he or she interrupts or disrupts the script or you could change up the script a little avoid a blowup.
• Keeping track of what's important to him or her and without announcement showing that, especially at a point they could use it.  Sometimes, they just need a reminder that you love them and that what is important to them is important to you also.
• Completely mixing it up with him or her.  Being serious when it is appropriate to, but showing a lighter, even playful side.  Express that side when you see they could use it.

In short, not always sticking to a script or agenda and not following a set of "talking points", but being open enough to read your child their needs.  Not forgetting about his or her long terms needs, but not letting the push to fill those get in the way of meeting their immediate or short term emotional, mental and spiritual needs.

Hated it! Is it so wrong to hate sometimes?

Do you hear commercials, music, or jingles that there is no way to get around the fact that you hate them?

I mean sometimes to the point of not only can you not stand them, but sometimes where you just would like to go medieval on those involved?  Where you know you level of irritability outsizes the offending item?

Well, for fun, or at least to vent, I have to surrender the commercials, music or jingles that I viscerally hate.   I don't know if I will find agreement, laughter or shock with this list, but here goes a list of my top 10 least favorite or down right "hated it".

1. The Craftmatic Adjustable Bed commercial.  A few people express how the bed is good for their.  However, there is a least one older lady is over the top.  She too eagerly and excitedly exclaims, "MY BAD BACK LOVES MY CRAFTMATIC ADJUSTABLE BED".  I am like, "lady get a room with that bed".  It's almost as if we are being made to suffer her desire to become one with the bed and not in a healthy way.  :D                                                               
2. Tom Shane, the Shane Company.  Now he always kind of annoyed me, but over the holidays, in my book he completely destroyed his man card.  In the commercials, he portrayed himself asking some dopey guy what he'd get his lady for Christmas.  Clueless guy said, a vacuum cleaner or something to that effect.  Now, if that wasn't enough, that gender traitor--not using the b-word here--brought the lady on the line and had her shame and humiliate the clueless man.  I'm like whose side are you on Tom?  I'm like so you think its okay to portray the ambushing of a guy on the radio to get a buck.  Dude completely, lost my respect and business forever.  Let's just say, with him, I no longer have a friend in the diamond business.                                               
3. The Spin Doctors - Two Princes.   Is it so wrong when he whines, "If you wanna call me baby, just go ahead now"... to want to smack him one?  I know it's wrong and I know it shows latent hostility on my part, but for Pete's sake dude, don't whine about a woman.  It is not befitting of a grown man.  Just talk to the lady, tell her simply that she has to choose and make it clear if you don't hear from her, you'll assume she's made her choice.  Then move on.  Don't whine about your dilemma.                                                                                                                          
4. Vincent from ShamWow.  He talks on his mic headset on the commercial.  I can imagine him going everywhere with that mic headset: the store, a restaurant, home.  I can imagine him 'announcing' to his kids through it and them rolling their eyes and talking back to him, saying "Dad, you know that's really annoying".                                                                                          
5. Head-On, apply directly to the forehead.  Do I really have to explain this one?                                   
6. Mucinex.  Really having a depiction of slimy green mucous in the form of a mucous person is what everyone wants to see?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
7. Any shyster lawyer that advertises in off-peak hours and says if you or your loved one had this procedure, etc and it ended out in injury or death, call this number.   It occurred to me one time, if you were the victim of negligence and it ended in death for you, you wouldn't be calling them.   Just saying...                                                                                                                     
8. Brown and Brown.  In IL, 618 all 8s  (618-888-8888).   In MO, 314 all 3s (314-333-3333).  So, one time it occurs to me.  Given number 7 above, it occurred to me, that maybe they should put if you are calling from h*ll, call all 6s.  I know that's wrong, but sometimes our secret thoughts don't have any tact.  ;-)                                                                                                                         
9. Any commercial which expresses how some attorney will rescue you for pennies on the dollar if you are in trouble with the IRS.  Especially, the Alan Thicke ones.  I guess the acting gigs just aren't coming for him anymore?                                                                                                
10. I Will Survive.   That might have been an empowering song one day a long time ago, but now it just sounds like a tired, stale old song of a bygone area.  It just grates on me.  Is that so wrong to hate on it?

I'm bettering each of you who read this has your own "love to hate" list.  Anyway, I feel much better and thank you for letting me share.

Old Standby where they "Hated It"

Sabotage: When negative certainty feels better than uncertainty...

Ever have a physical ailment whose symptoms caused a good deal of discomfort, but you could not get to the bottom of what was wrong?  Whether or not you eventually got to the bottom of the problem, the uncertainty associated with it--of the prognosis,'cure' or course of treatment---caused a great deal of angst.    Alternatively, if we have a physical ailment which is obvious, we can immediately go into adjust, plan and fix-it mode.  That is to say we know what we are working and can focus on getting better or dealing with it effectively rather than stressing about what to do. The lesson we learn from that is  that sometimes a certainty--even if it is not a good one--is better than a unnerving uncertainty.  At least with a certainty, you could proceed to face up to the problem and determine a course of action: work to ameliorate the issue or symptoms or where that's not possible accept the outcome.

I started this particular entry a couple of weeks ago  (now 1/29/16), but got sidetracked.  I don't necessarily feel this way currently in my life, but I know I have felt this before.  Anyway, some of what I blog is personal experience, some of what I blog is insight from the experiences of others and some of what I blog is what occurs to me.  I don't claim everything I write is the absolute way it is.  Neither do I claim what I write works for everyone. But, I digress.  Some of this one is personal experience and some of it is what I've seen in others

I believe that relationships can roll this way also. While I am going to focus on romantic relationships, much of what I am talking about can apply to other relationships as well.   Anyway, when a relationship has a certain known quantity to it, a certain sense of peace and tranquility, a certain balance or sense of itself, even if it isn't perfect, it will have a good comfort level.  I believe that in some ways, people are creatures of comfort or familiar.  It is easier to deal with people when we have a fix on them and/or how they relate to us.  See 2D vs. 3D relationships for questions on how we understand (or don't) others.  In a sense, when there is contentment in this part of our lives, it is easier to want to keep things peaceful, not to make waves and just enjoy our "time out on the water".   We are more likely to feel this way in what I call a 3D relationship.

HOWEVER, I believe when we don't have a good fix on a relationship, such as with what I call a 2D relationship, we tend to feel like a boat this not moored or anchored.  That is we tend to be at the mercy of the elements.  Unease can take the following forms:

• Uncertainty with what our significant other is really feeling about things including us.
• Uncertainty with how to talk to or relate to our SO (significant other), sometimes to the point of walking on eggshells.
• Uncertainty of how we actually fit into the relationship and/or if the relationship has a future.

So, what is the natural responses to uncertainty in relationships?

• Working with the other to figure out the relationship.
• Counseling
• Working on communication aka 'talking it through'
• Letting the uncertainty build up and take deep roots.
• Resentment develops.
• The sense of connection starts to die off.
• Consciously or subconsciously behaving in such a way to end the uncomfortable (and sometimes brutal) uncertainty.
• Could be pressing our SO until we get some sort of answer, good or bad.
• Could be engaging in destructive behavior and caring less and less about the consequences.  
• In a way, it is effectively like having a death wish for a relationship.
• We want peace, but we can't have peace, yet we don't know how to get peace, yet we need it, yet we don't want to deal with consequences of what we might have to go through to get peace.  In a way, it is easier just throwing a stick of dynamite at the relationship and run like hell, hoping not don't have to face the fallout from the explosion.

I guess the takeaway from this particular blog is the following:

• Focus on getting to know your partner, not knowing about him or her, but actually 'getting him or her'.  This will leave less room for damaging uncertainty.
• Understand that some degree of uncertainty in life is unavoidable.  While it is not desirable, up to a certain point, it can/should be tolerable.   After all, our partner is another person with their own separate feelings and concerns.  We can't be perfect in understanding each other.
• It is best to put things out there sooner rather than later.  While there is a risk of upsetting the apple cart, isn't it best to find that out whether the apple cart was even stable sooner rather than later? 
• Denying or not facing problems doesn't make them go away.
• Potentially, you've wasted time and effort on something that really wasn't stable, when you could have discovered it sooner.
• Potentially, you've delayed the healing process.

The world is fully of uncertainty, yet life goes on.  Similarly, relationships can be full of uncertainty.  Isn't it better just to work on it and find out if the uncertainty can be removed or lessened rather than letting life go by wondering when the bottom could fall out?

Thanks for your read.

Rich