What's love got to do with it?

I was at a concert the other day and noted how me and my friend Jennie each had someone with us that cared for and cared about us.  Anyone who knows my history knows that relationship have been something I've had to work at, but I digress.  But I can say that I have been loved along the way and that for some reason my wife Kristi seems to have warm fuzzy feelings towards me, even when I don't feel lovable.

I was thinking about my late brother and how he had never gotten married and never was even close to it.  I know one of things that always got to him was that he never truly felt loved.  He was loved more than he realized, but I digress. Thinking about that actually made me pretty sad, BUT it also made me realize something.   Finding someone who truly loves you is a blessing.

Anyway, in pondering the above, I also thought about what love is and what it isn't. What is is meant to be and what it isn't meant to be.

The bible speaks on love and marriage extensively, sometimes seemingly for and against it.  See below:

• The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."  Genesis 2:18
• I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  1 Corinthians 7:6-9

But, my understanding of love is this:

• Love is not meant to validate us.  Our validation comes from our relationship to our higher power.   Love is a gift of our higher power to help us not feel alone, isolated and unappreciated. 
• The love of another isn't meant to make us complete us, it is meant to complement us
• Love shouldn't be to 'fix' or 'solve our problems', but instead free us from feeling alone and unappreciated such that we can with focus on dealing with the things we need to.  I think that's at least part of what the apostle Paul was saying in 1st Corinthians above. 

In short, love and marriage are meant to enrich us, not to replace what is missing in us.  Love is meant to be beneficial to both parties and not to feed into each other's dysfunctionality.

I guess my takeaway is rely on the your higher power (God) for your validation, but appreciate the value of love which He has provided for us.

The truth about cats and dogs

I tend to be too serious at times.  So, for me writing a lighthearted, sarcastic or flaky blog entry is my way of breaking the tension a bit.

I don't know how it occurred, to me.  Where does one every get odd ideas out of nowhere?  One of the great mysteries of life.  Anyway, here is my take on cats and dog.  Enjoy.

• If you want a furry friend who is a "yes man", get a dog.  If you want a furry friend who tells you the unvarnished truth, get a cat.   
• For example, a cat will tell you that you are an idiot, but that it likes you anyway.  A dog will tell you how great you are and tell you how much it LOVES and won't judge you.
• Do you want validation or the truth?
• Dogs don't care if we know they are codependent.  Cats on the other hand, like to portray themselves as independent.  But, at night where do they end up?  With their favorite person.
• A dog will go down with the ship.  A cat will wish you well as it abandons you.
• A dog will harass you if you are sleeping and it is hungry.  A cat on the hand will beat the crap out of you until you feed it.  In other words, if you need a backup alarm, don't feed your cat.
• A cat will calculate on a daily basis if it needs you.  A dog on the other hand won't bother questioning that idea.
• A dog will do it's potty business outside and will forget about it immediately after it is finished.  A cat will do it's best to "hide the evidence" after it is finished.
• A dog will be content to lay out your feet.  A cat on the other hand likes to go to the highest ground just to prove it is the alpha.
• A dog when it hurts itself will say nothing or yelp.  A cat on the other hand will pretend it isn't hurt and say, "I meant to do that" out of self-respect.  For example, a cat, when it has an epic fail jumping, will act like nothing happened or that it meant to do that.
• Dog spelled backward is god, but don't act like gods to us.  Cats on the other hand remind us that in ancient Egypt they used to be worshiped as gods.
• A dog when it wants food, it begs you and follows you around.  A cat on the other hand will direct you to its bowl and demand you fill it, sometimes yelling at you along the way.

If you seek to know about how cats think read this book:  I am Pusheen the Cat.

Demons Part 3: 'Bloodletting' pain as a way of mourning

According to Wikipedia (for what it's worth), bloodletting is:

The withdrawal of blood from a patient to cure or prevent illness and disease. Bloodletting was based on an ancient system of medicine in which blood and other bodily fluids were regarded as "humors" that had to remain in proper balance to maintain health.

This practice was done from ancient times until near the end of the 19th century, but has all been abandoned.  Medically, it has been pretty well discredited.  However, I found the concept a useful way to describe a healthy way of mourning.

I don't always tell what inspires my blog posts.  But, this one I will share.  Anyone who knows me knows that my daughter, Olivia, is being raised in a broken home.  That is to say, her mom and I got split up when she was 4.  Obviously, this impacts Olivia and has hurt her.  But, as the parent who doesn't have primary custody of her, I see much less often.  I calculate about 30% of the time*.  Sometimes, I don't see her for about a week at a time, occasionally it is longer.  I always feel a sense of loss during these stretches.  While I am grateful that she has good health and I do get to see her--there are some who aren't that lucky, it still hurts.  The pain of the long stretches will always be there as I feel myself missing large blocks of her childhood, but I am better able to deal with the technique(s) I describe below:

--

In the Bible, God tells us:

1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens  (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Furthermore, He lets us know there is a:
4a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance  (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

However, we don't always take that advice to heart. I used to be guilty of letting the hurt build up.  Sometimes I found constructive way to divert the energy: running, listening to music, etc.  Other times, I  utilized unproductive or destructive ways to divert the energy: impulsive spending, wasting all day watching TV or playing video games, moments of promiscuity, etc.  See:  Zig Zagging through life: Diverting our energy from where it is really needed.

Anyway, it wasn't until I got older that I really realized these: two things about dealing with hurt:

• The power of prayer and faith. 
• What I call bloodletting: Focusing into the hurt rather than avoiding it.  

God helps those who help themselves.  Our faith can help us through the toughest times and God can literally move mountains if we ask him to, I believe that God helps those who help themselves.  That is to say, He rarely removes all our pain,but instead gives us the tools and wisdom to deal with it effectively, thereby lessening it.

--

Back to my story.  In 2011 when I literally lost almost everything, including my brother to suicide and my daughter for a while to a contentious divorce, I had to find a healthy way to cope.   After trying to avoid it or coping in unproductive or destructive ways, I came to realize that I'd been dealing with hurt the wrong way for most of my life.   When I started seeing my daughter again and had to give her up to her mom--dropping her at daycare or school or directly to her mom--it really totally hit home.  The times I had to give her up for literally almost a week, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I would smile, hug her, kiss her, love her and put on the happy face, but as soon as I rushed back to my car, I would be devastated.  I came to understand the power of going into the pain or hurt, rather than trying to avoid it.  As I was driving off, I would literally flip my CD player or electronic device to sad music.  Sometimes, the more sad it was, the better.  In the privacy of my car on the way home or to work or wherever, I would literally find my inner pain, and like poison let it drain out--hence bloodletting.   I found writing to be a good tool in that regard too.  I had really started to find my inner voice after all those years.   While I know I am not a genius, I believe God blessed me with the gift of perception.  Once again, just like when I turned up the car stereo or ipod or whatever and forced myself to face the pain through sad music, I would write on what was bothering me, even to the point of having it hurt more.   Once again, I was 'bloodletting' or giving the poison of increasing hurt an outlet to flow out.

As an aside, as a child, I faced some real adversity.  Much of it I am not going to catalog here as I am sure I've cataloged it elsewhere and the adversity itself is not the main focus.  Anyway, I used to think of the adversity and the pain it caused as a curse, but now I see it as lemonade from a lemon.  Having faced certain things (and later in the 2010s even more adversity), I realized that had I had an easy carefree childhood and life, I would NEVER have been able to understand, relate or offer sincere encouragement to others who faced similar adversity.

I guess my takeaway from this is twofold:

• Remember to lean on God when facing adversity rather than pushing Him away.
• Looking into, stepping into, walking through the pain of adversity, while not very enjoyable, can be one of the best ways to release the hurt it is causing.

I labeled this one Demons, part 3 as I think it fits in with my other posts on "Demons".

• Demons, Part 2: Melancholy
• Demons

Anyway, just my thoughts.  Thanks for reading and I hope my words, will impact at least one person.

-- Rich

* It's closer to 50% these days (2020)

How codependence dies: what it looks like, how to lose it.

Sometimes it feels like we go through life sleepwalking.  The years go by quickly and we wonder what happened to the years?   It seems like it is just a blur or illusion.   I believe some of that is just the normal, "life is just but a blink of the eye" that the bible speaks of, but I also believe that much of it comes from the sense that you haven't really lived for yourself.  By live for yourself, I don't mean selfishly, but rather taking care of yourself and consider what you need for yourself rather than what you need to be for others.

My own life has been one of self-discovery which really didn't kick in until my forties.  I have had a number of friends who feel the same way.   We have been so busy often doing what we think we needed to do to nurture and/or save our relationships, at the expense of our own sanity.  Sadly, we often mistake trying to 'please' or 'keep another happy' or 'keep them from being upset with us' for nurturing/saving our relationships.  This sort of behavior may allow a relationship to survive a long time, but not necessarily be healthy.  The irony is that often times the more work you do to avoid confrontation, the less chance the relationship will survive.  I think for most people, if they aren't allowed to be who they need to be or they try to be something they aren't, they will eventually reach a crisis point in their life.

For myself, learning, understanding and remembering a few things has helped me pull away from the codependent construct:

• If a person seems to be consistently giving you (usually) unwanted advice, finding fault, making you feel like you have to justify your actions/choices, chances are they need you more than you need them.  Chances are they are operating out of fear.  Chances are the relationship is based on a bad personal connection.  But, why do we stay in a bad relationship or at the very least subjugate our own self and needs and never 'require' or 'demand' that our own needs be considered.  I suspect there are a combination of reasons, some of which I will indicate below.  
• Loyalty - Family loyalty, loyalty to one who has helped you-and makes sure to remind you of it, etc.
• Fear of being alone - What's the difference if you are with someone and feel disconnected most of the time?  What's the difference if you don't feel you can connect with the family member or friend?
• Fear of the unknown - Sometimes, the devil you know seems to be more comfortable than the devil you don't know.  Like an old comfortable shoe as a friend said 
• Fear of rejection - If a person struggles to 'find acceptance', when they do appear to find it, it's hard to let go or risk having to let go of someone who 'accepts' (or appears to).  The irony of this is if you have to be someone you are not to 'keep' a relationship, then you are really not accepted after all.
• Shame or not deserving better - I believe this goes along with all the other reasons.  If we feel like on some level that we are undeserving of better we will not tend to push for it. However, at the same time, I believe there can be a tension in which we want better in our lives. We want better, but don't feel like we deserve better, but that doesn't change that we want better, etc.

• The other party in a codependent relationship often controls out of fear.  It is a feeling that if they don't have a firm grip on all aspects of aspects of the relationship, things won't get done, they won't get done well or the work that has done will be wasted.   Some examples of a controlling person:
• Someone who demands things be done in a strict order or on a strict timeline.   Disruption could cause things not to get done or things to get done inefficiently, etc.  I'm not talking about dealing with an organized person or an efficient person, but a person who is so wed to schedule or routine that they crush anything or anyone that gets in the way of that schedule or routines.
• Someone who demands things be done a certain way.  They have always done things a certain way, they are used to doing things a certain way and they don't trust the outcome of doing things a certain way.  In a way, a controlling person has their comfort zone and is unwilling to go outside of it.  When the other party attempts to introduce a different way, they find it a threat.  Perceived threats are not suffered well.  It isn't that there aren't other ways to achieve a goal--taking a different route to a destination for example.  It seems that  the controlling person for whatever reason is not able get past their block, whether is based out of fear, avoiding discomfort or something else.
• Codependence is often a symptom of a relationship with a bad connection
• When the connection is bad, instead of trusting that the other party will accept you for whom you are, I believe a codependent person will "do whatever it takes" to avoid losing the relationship.  In other words, an unhealthy status quo seems safer than risking a change.  What is really happening in this case is an avoidance of change and a possible 'day of reckoning'.  The irony is that the 'day of reckoning' doesn't necessarily have to be the end of a relationship, but instead the beginning of a healthier, more honest relationship.  In other words, a relationship with a good or better connection.
• Like a phone that struggles to get or keep a charge, a relationship with a bad connection seems to work sometimes, but doesn't necessarily work for too long.  Eventually, the phone with a bad connection will fail to work unless the connection is repaired.  Similarly, a codependent relationship with a bad connection is likely to work less and less well until at some point, it effectively 'stops working'.

I would make the disclaimer before I continue that there is and should be a degree of depending on each other in a relationship, but it should be out love and cooperation, not out of fear and the need to control.  Some fighting, disagreement, give and take or normal, but really it is the mindset behind how the relationship is operating that determines if it is healthy or codependent. 

I guess ultimately, after seeing problems in my own life and the lives of those around, I've come to realize a few things related to squeezing codependence out of relationships.

• The other party in a relationship has got to know that you are not a threat to them.  They have to understand it and they have to accept it.  They have to understand that while it is not all about them, that you have their best interests in mind.
• The other party has to know that you will not always say or do precisely the right thing for every given circumstance in the relationship, but that your intentions are good towards them.  In other words, you get frustrated, you get angry, you get upset, you may say something a bit out of line or you just might not say the comforting thing that they need to hear.  However, your intentions for the other party are good and they need to realize that.  They CANNOT expect perfection and if they do, they are putting you in an impossible position.   Let them know that you aren't perfect, but you are trying.  Sometimes, just hearing that helps tremendously.
• It isn't your job to 'fix' the other party, nor is it the other party's job to try to 'fix' you.   That however, does not exclude being supportive.   For example, if I am not happy, my spouse can listen to me, but she is not responsible for my happiness.  That doesn't mean she shouldn't do anything, but her role is to not to ensure that I am happy, but rather provide a healthy, supportive environment in which I can find what it is for me to achieve contentment.
• Not letting shame or failure unrelated to the relationship have an impact on the relationship.  If I struggle at work or have family of origin problems or just have made mistakes, I cannot let the shame of those situations compromise me in terms of the relationship.   I cannot let a failure at work for example spill over and cause me to feel like a failure in the relationship.
• Not letting mistakes within the relationship rule the future of the relationship.   We make mistakes, we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and sometimes do very destructive things for our relationship.  However, we have to separate our mistakes and failures from a willingness to be 'ruled' in our relationship.  For example, we can damage our relationship by focusing on drinking, gambling or others.
• We can atone for mistakes but we can't throw away ourselves in the process.
• If our spouse doesn't accept us for mistakes or failings, no amount of groveling or trying to atone will fix our relationship.  If anything, it will increase resentment and lower for you.
• Change has to be for us, first and foremost, not as a codependent need to 'change' for him or her.

Most of all, you cannot be ruled by fear.  You can be sensitive and thoughtful and what not, but you have to be yourself.  If you are used to being a people pleaser or having to be the peacemaker, or having to be the one to adjust, it can be VERY daunting standing up for your own needs.  Ultimately, if you let a fear of relationship failure rule you, chances are you will be helping to set up such failure.  If being yourself leads to rejection, then most of the time, the relationship wasn't right for you anyway and no amount of trying to be someone else would have saved it anyway.  But, if you allow yourself to be yourself in a relationship, you are being honest to yourself and your partner.  It may be a difficult adjustment in the relationship going from being a codependent people pleasure, but eventually you will find out if you are meant to stay in the relationship and/or you will find that your significant other will adjust your personal growth and actually respect you for it. 


  

Zig Zagging through life: Diverting our energy from where it is really needed.

On my wedding day, my best man and I were driving around I think headed back to my apartment, but that's not important.  Anyway, traffic in front of us stopped with little or no notice.  To avoid rear-ending the car ahead of me I zig-zagged a bit.

I didn't think of it immediately, but it occurred to me shortly thereafter that in way that's exactly what we do when we try to avoid "running into" the painful truth--even when we need to face the reality of our situation and/or work through our decisions/issues/problems.   Just like with the momentum or energy of my car, life's momentum often pushes or carries us directly into path of our problems.  As I didn't want my best man or I to face the impact of rear-ending the car in front of us, so do we not want to face the impact of problems.  So, we come up with diversions or ways of avoiding having to deal.  Sometimes, these diversions are destructive like Alcoholism and out of control gambling.  Other times, they are just unproductive like keeping glued to the TV.  But, the common thread is that we use the diversions to deal.  In others we are 'zig-zagging' or moving sideways to absorb the energy we would otherwise be focusing on our problems.

For example, in my first marriage, when we had disagreements or when something was bothering me and I felt like I couldn't discuss it with her, I would shut down, push it aside and find another outlet to avoid having to deal (and possibly avoid a fight).  Sometimes, it was a 'productive' outlet like cleaning the house, other times it wasn't necessarily a productive or healthy outlet.  The main point is that I was 'zig-zagging' or finding a diversion from the problem that lie head on.   Now, this wasn't a new way of dealing for me.  It really was an extension of my childhood and early adulthood in which I felt like I couldn't speak freely with my dad or effectively stand up for what was important to me.  But, I digress.  The point was that I didn't want to face the impact of dealing head-on with problems.

That all changed with the passing of my brother Bill.  I have a blog in progress that I'm not finished with about him called Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day.  Anyway, I realized with his passing the ultimate cost of avoiding dealing with issues.

What I've written above at some points might suggest that it is a bad thing to 'zig zag' or divert.  However, as I've learned over the years, life isn't necessarily always clear cut.  As Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 indicates, there is a time for everything.  This included dealing head on with issues vs. pushing aside the issues for a time.  Here are a couple circumstances which zig-zagging might not be a bad idea. 

• Sometimes, the issue/problem is too large to face directly.  For example, when mourning the death of a close relative, we can't get our grief out in one day.  We can sometimes only face what we need to in small stages: dealing, then turning away, then dealing, then turning away...
• Sometimes, the timing isn't right.  For example, if we are hosting out-of-town family for the holidays we don't want to air our dirty laundry and cause humiliation in front of our guests.

Anyway, just my thoughts for the night.  Hopefully, you get something useful from my musings.  God bless and good night.

-- Rich

Finding Jewels in the Darkness

It's been a few years since my old life as I knew it stopped and it transformed into a new and different and in some ways better life.

I will eventually write a blog called "Growing up the hard way" about how the difficult and painful years from an early age to young adulthood and beyond can either destroy a person or be their path to maturity.  But, for now I will focus on something that I have realized recently.

Sometimes we go through dark periods in our lives in our lives animated by sadness, depression and/or grief.   At the time, we are focused on the hurt and the pain and surviving it.  In other words, we are too busy working through the pain to notice or to accept the happy moments.  In a way, we are stuck in the darkness of the moment and though we have happy moments, we really don't appreciate those moments until long afterward.  In other words, in hindsight, we locate jewels in the darkness.

The concept has been floating in my mind for a while not quite crystallized.  It was a simple thing that really flipped the switch on this the other day.  I was driving home from work the other day and heard "Wild One" by Flo Rida featuring Sia.  I love music and I have gotten some happiness or contentment out of listening to that song.  I looked back and at the time I was underemployed,  working through a divorce, didn't have my daughter, was in the process of losing my house and just lost my brother.  In short, I felt like I was living in hell.  But that song, for the few minutes it was on at a time, brought a little respite for my sadness and grief.

But, I look back and now I see that while I lost full-time custody of my daughter, I had some special moments with Olivia that I will savor.  It was me and funny girl facing the world.  We learned to enjoy "chasing nature": usually birds, ducks, squirrels or rabbits.  We went to church together and made friends.  We went on shopping trips together where I bonded with her over helping her to find clothes she loved.  We learned the simple joy of picking up food and refreshment at QT.  We learned the joy of sitting on the sidewalk, while picking out seeds out of pods.  I could go on forever, but what I realize in hindsight is this: while things were brutal around me, I look back and had moments of joy or happiness.  I call them "Jewels in the Darkness".

I guess my takeaway is this: always realize there is joy to be found in the darkest moments.

Goodnight and I hope my readers have a good day tomorrow.

--Rich

What's the Frequency: The process of getting used to major life changes...

A few years ago after me and my now ex split up, I couldn't live at my place anymore.  As we were not in a good place in the divorce process, ultimately we couldn't effectively agree what to do with it and it went back to the bank.

Anyway, a friend of mine opened her place up to me and I am eternally grateful to have had that place to start to piece my life back together.  But, in the meantime, I remember waking up day after day wondering what the hell happened?  Why was I there at not my own place, with my old life with my late brother still alive, employed at my job of 12 years, coming home to or picking up my young daughter, etc.

It felt like one day I had a set life, a set pattern, a set of circumstances and 'the next day' it was seemingly all gone and I was in a completely different set of circumstances.  In other words, there is a shock and adjustment to major life changes--especially if they are perceived as negative.  In talking to friends and acquaintances who have faced major adjustments like divorce, death, job loss, etc, I've heard or sensed similar responses:

• Bewilderment - A sense of wonder as to what are we doing 'here' in our current circumstances?

• Disconnect - A sense that even though our current situation clearly is what it is, it can't REALLY be our current situation.  In other words, our current circumstances are just a 'dream'.

• Longing - A wish that things we back to 'normal', even when 'normal' wasn't necessarily that great.  Our old circumstances at least fit like a well-worn shoe.

• Mourning - A sense of sadness and loss.

People are usually more adaptable than they realize.  Change that we couldn't see making it past or darkness from which we couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually become adjustments and acceptance--even if reluctantly.  That being said, I see two exception responses: 

• Sometimes a change is so dramatic that even though we survive it, we really don't bounce back.
• A great example of this is when a parent loses a child senselessly.  As a parent, I know that even if I survived this, I would have a hard time ever being myself again.

• Sometimes we are so entrenched that we find ourselves unable to adapt to it at all.
• We see this with older couples that have been married for a long time.  One spouse passes away and the surviving spouse struggles to get by at all, sometimes apparently dying soon thereafter.

I guess the takeaway out of all, I have found that changes while difficult are usually survivable, you have to just have something or someone and/or a higher power to hold onto while the winds of change blow in our life.