This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
While I believe that most people are social creatures and need and even sometimes crave positive interaction with others: children, parents, spouse, friends, etc., I believe that people by and large have a need for space from time to time. They need it to re-energize, to recharge, and to quietly consider their lives--what's important to them and even their relationship to God.
I've heard the term "man cave" so many times. For a guy, it is thought of his own space or spot in the house or own area he can retreat to for peace and quiet. But, over time, I've come to a different understanding of what the meaning of 'man cave' (space) is. It doesn't have to be a spot to retreat to in one's house. It doesn't even necessarily have to be one's house. Here are some examples of where one can find his (or her) man-cave (or she-shed)--that is their space.
Space can be somewhere besides one's place. If you love your work, it can be there. If you own a garage for example and are working on restoring an old Corvette Stingray that could be your place. It could be at your best friend's place. It could be at a place where you hang out listen to music, play pool, throw darts... It could be literally anywhere else.
Space can be your own place. You could have a room designated as your own in which you are not disturbed unless they knock. That's the classic definition. It could also be your garden area outside in which you are left alone to tend. It could be your work area. It could be literally anywhere on your property.
Space doesn't have to be a physical spot either. It could be a time that you have completely to yourself uninterrupted, while family is out at school, work or just doing something else.
Space doesn't actually have to be alone time either. For example, if everyone is around the house, but is quietly, peacefully and separately entertaining themselves, you can have your own virtual space For me, as you might imagine, this is my blog. If everyone else is reasonably and contently occupied and I'm just typing away, I feel a certain freedom.
Anyway, just some thoughts to consider as you search for your own space.
Some songs just grab your attention for reasons you don't know and one day when you are listening to it many years later, their meaning hits you and you realize that there is probably a reason you have always loved or connected with the song. In the late 1980s, Brenda Russell co-wrote and recorded Piano in the Dark. The concept is at once both simple and involved. The words and the music are powerful. In the song, Ms. Russell's character is at a very disconnected place in her relationship. It feels dead to her. She's thinking she's strong enough to call it quits. But, her mate knows how to reach her and as she is getting ready to leave, he plays the piano for her and she realizes that she still loves him. For me "Piano in the Dark" is a synonym for that special something about your significant other pulls you in, that keeps you from leaving. It is that special something about him or her that you just can't live without. This got me to thinking the subject matter. In your relationship, do you have that special something that your mate does, says or is about him/her that you can hold onto? What is it about your relationship that keeps you there even through the rough spots? This blog is essentially about what keeps people in relationships, even through the rough patches. From what I see the following are one or more reason why people stay in relationships even through turbulent times, not necessarily in order of constructive:
Comfort factor. Sometimes we've been with someone so long that the relationship feels like a well worn shoe. In other words, not elegant, not necessarily even warm fuzzy, but comfortable. Stephen Stills: Love the One Your With
Functional factor. This can be for raising kid(s) together, convenient living arrangement, appearances, etc. Sometimes, this can be a consideration or The Consideration.
Fear of the unknown or codependence factor. Sometimes, the idea of 'starting over' is too overwhelming and it just seems easier just to stay together. Sometimes, the idea of being without a someone, even if that someone doesn't treat us right, can be daunting, especially if we haven't spent enough time on ourselves.
Honorable factor. This can take the form of staying together for the sake of the kids or staying together because of a commitment to the Father or something similar. I believe that these are good reasons to stay together in a lot of cases. Definitely, take the children into account and definitely if you are married, don't think that a vow before God should be taken lightly. Too many people do that.
Special factor. There really is that something special about the other person that keeps drawing you to them. It can be that voice, the way they are good with the kids, that sense of humor, that sweetness about them, the way they love you. John Michael Montgomery: I Love the Way You Love Me
I would say we all, but there are some that don't care. But most people hope that find that someone special and that what made their mate special will always light up a glow in their heart. So, I will focus the rest of the blog entry on that.
I believe that it is important to spend a few moments from time to time in contemplation and prayer. Remembering what it is about our mate that we love and to remind them from time to time why we love them. Life can get hectic, difficult and/or cloudy and it is important to establish a pattern of keeping in mind what we like about our significant other. But, perhaps even more importantly, spending a few minutes letting them know we are thinking about them.
So, I guess I will end this as a I started this by asking what is your "Piano in the Dark". For me, it is my wife's warmth, the way she appreciates me--especially the side I don't like to publicly show and the way she cares for my daughter. It helps that she's got that Creek Indian look about her ;-)
But, I digress, I challenge to find, remember or express what is your "Piano in the Dark".
----
When I find myself watching the time I never think about all the funny things you said I feel like it's dead Where is it leading me now
I turn around in the still of the room Knowing this is when I'm gonna make my move Can't wait any longer And I'm feeling stronger but oh
Just as I walk through the door I can feel your emotion It's pullin' me back Back to love you
I know I'm caught up in the middle I cry just a little When I think of letting go Oh no, gave up on the riddle I cry just a little When he plays piano in the dark
He holds me close like a thief of the heart He plays a melody Born to tear me all apart The silence is broken And no words are spoken but oh
Just as I walk through the door I can feel your emotion It's pullin' me back Back to love you
I know I'm caught up in the middle I cry just a little When I think of letting go Oh no, gave up on the riddle I cry just a little When he plays piano in the dark
--Written by Scott Cutler, Jeff Hull, Brenda Russell
Once again, I heard a song that for some reason has stuck with me for the past few years and I remember the first time it really started to like it. Before, I go there, I must confess something that anyone who really knows me knows (even when I sometimes try to hide it). At time I have a profoundly deep sensitive side. It's not sensitive as in "weak", but sensitive as in I feel a range of emotions and I often can 'feel' the human experience very profoundly in myself and others. Raised by a dad who didn't show emotions and who was deeply uncomfortable with 'feelings' being expressed, I learned to hide this side of me or at least not own up to it. I've come to realize that as it says in the Bible, There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Ecclesiastes 3:1). ... A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4) In other words, God understands and appreciates a sensitive side to his creation. Of course, society has always pretty well accepted that women can have a sensitive side, but it has only been in more recent decades that we've accepted the same in a man (at least openly recognizing it anyway). Anyway, I've come to see it not as a curse, but as a blessing. It has allowed me to be better able to feel and relate, understand, empathize and what I refer to as "sensing a disturbance in The Force"). However, while having a sensitive side is good and letting on to at times is good, like most everything in life there are limits. For example, while we want our President to connect with us by showing anguish in a time of national hurt such as 9/11, we don't want our President to be a complete blubbering pile of goo at such times. In my own life, I have revealed deep hurt (and tears of joy) a few times to my own daughter, but I know I can't afford the luxury of her seeing me upset on a regular basis, even if at times I might feel that way. She needs to see in her dad that it is safe to have feelings, even vulnerable I'm feeling upset type feelings. However, she needs to know that her I am strong enough to protect and guide her as well. So, like I figure, a balance. Anyway, the Song was "Grease" performed by Frankie Valli. I'm sure I'd heard it many times and you know probably thought it was from a musical, meaning geared towards the other gender. I'm supposing I was okay with it though. In any case, this night that I had heard it, it was a fairly early stage in my divorce and I was VERY underemployed with other trials going on at that time. I was very down. It was about 2-3am in the morning and I was getting off of work. I dunno, but when I heard it, for whatever reason, I connected with the song in a profound way. For some reason, I finally focused on it enough to know that it is a coming of age song. The messages I got from it were: that you can make it if you believe in who you are, that life as we know it is in many ways just an illusion and that our purpose is not always immediately clear. Anyway, I will never forget that song, that early morning as long as I live and perhaps in some ways that was a turning point towards being in a better place. I don't know if I'm an empath, but I know I have some of the tendencies for better or worse (as did my brother Bill). But, how I tie this together is that this was a step along the road in realizing and accepting who I was--a sensitive person and possible empath. As the title implied there are two parts to this blog entry. The second part is the "seeing only clouds on a sunny day". It's funny, we are taught to see the "silver lining" in the clouds. In other words, the positives even in the darkest of times. However, I believe as humans we have this tendency to gripe and moan about things in our life and overlook the fact that perhaps we may not have it so bad after all. As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I came to realize that failure is a default position. It is easy to fail. You don't have to do anything to fail. In some cases, it is precisely by doing nothing that we fail. In other words, failure is the easy path. Similarly, I think it is human nature to focus on the negatives. As a fallen creation, in this life we face trials and struggles which can seem overwhelming. In this context it is easy to focus on the struggles or imperfections. However, if we peel below the surface we may just see things aren't that bad. We in pretty decent health, we have a roof over our head, we have reliable transportation and we have a steady paycheck which allow our basic needs to be met. Additionally, we may have a loving partner who cares about us and loves us though not necessarily always likes us. Focusing on the struggles in this context is like seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day. It is at this times, we need to write or recite our daily gratitude list. --- The takeaway from this blog for me is twofold. The Jewels to be found in the darkness are:
Yourself and your good points about you.
That if you peel away the below the surface or see beyond the clouds, you may just find that your life is not a mostly cloudy day, but instead a mostly sunny day with an occasional cloud.
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen
I don't know if 'zany' or 'eccentric' thinking is a product of venting stress, of expressing existing insanity, shaking things up a little or expressing comic relief. Either way, I think everyone has what I call an 'insane' voice. Some just deny it, some suppress it, some let it out for a bit and then there are some that just live it-- the Robin Williams of the world, RIP.
In other case, it's time for another installment of "The insane voice". In no particular order.
So, I was at QT the other day near my work and they got slammed around lunchtime. I think their customers must have been making a little noise chatting it out in line because as I was checking out, a thought occurred to me. Should I say to the clerk aloud where others could here it: Did the local mental hospital just let out their patients out on a field trip? But, I thought it wouldn't go over well and the good people of Alton might not see the humor.
So, my daughter and I were driving along and we saw a person running. I had this crazy idea. What if Olivia and I turned the corner as quickly as we could stopped the car, got out and ran as fast as we could to catch up to her and I had Olivia say, "See I told you Dad, I knew we could catch up". I'd have Olivia do the dirty work for better comic relief. Meanwhile the runner would be like what the ..
You can take a horse to water, but you may drown it..
You can take a horse to water
And with enough manpower you can try to force him to drink
But, there's a very good chance you will drown it in in the process
And you will end up in jail for cruelty to animals.
Moral of the story: You may be able to pressure family or a friend to do something that they aren't ready for. But, there's a good chances are it won't end up well for you or them.
Every notice that often times people as they pass through middle age, they start talking about dying and death a bit irrelevantly. While death has a sense of humor--see the Darwin awards--death isn't phased by our mocking it.
I always advise friends when dealing with relationship problems or if they feel like they are always being singled out to just admit up front: I know I'm a bad person. This will undermine your significant other's ability to blame or shame you. If you are 'sincere' enough, your significant other may even actually stick up for you and tell you your good points.
As a parent who likes to prepare his child for handling emergency situations (and is aware that she hears enough of it at her mom's place, at school and sometimes at my place), it occurred to me some great advice to give her. Somehow the topic came up of a fire somewhere. So, with my keen insight, I asked he what would she do if her clothes caught on fire. She said, "Stop, drop and roll". I said, "Good". I then asked her what we should do if we had a tire blow out on the road. She wasn't sure what to say, so I told her: "Stop, drop and roll". She looked at me like lost my mind. After mentioning a few other scenarios, she caught on to my brilliant advice and each time said, "Stop, drop and roll". I am so proud of my daughter <3
As we all know, this election season has literally gone on forever and at times we all wonder, "wow out of over 300,000,000, this is the best we can do"? Anyway, I thought, this hasn't exactly been the most honest campaign. Then I had an epiphany. Since, there is some question on the definition of "natural born citizen" and what not anyway,,why not just say forget it and let Julian Assange of WikiLeaks run for POTUS. Since it seems like everyone and their brother and sister has declared at one time or another this campaign, since this campaign has been plagued by hostility by all parties and since we all question the honesty of the candidates, Assange would be great. He'd make a perfect honesty and integrity candidate and we'd know we'd get the true story leaked out. So, why not.
On November 9th, I'm considering declaring my candidacy for the 2020 Presidential election, no matter who wins. My theme: R.A. Shepard/2020 for President: For my amusement. I figure when asked, candidates usually give some bogus, "Give back to the country", "Serve the nation", "Help others" or some other such answer. We all know the real answer is: Because I love the power and perks of the office. I'd just be cutting to the chase. I will be running for the Presidency such that if elected I will run the office and use my authority to test whatever theory I want to out. My plank will include:
Tenured professors at schools which receive government aid WILL BE REQUIRED to teach one whole semester wearing a jester hat. Then at the end of the semester they will compare and contrast how well that semester went for their students vs. semesters that they did not have to.
I will find some characteristic to discriminate on that isn't subject to anti-discriminatory laws and discriminate accordingly. For example, I could have a test group of men with goatees and women with curly hair. I could effectively push that those two groups get better treatment at tax time than all others. I would then see how those that do not fall in those groups react. Things I could survey for include:
How many not in the favored group would just take the abuse--I figure there are the self-loather subset.
The percentage of the population that purposely grows goatees or curls their hair just to get the beneficial treatment.
I could then stretch out the absurd favoritism to see how much further I could manipulate the populace to more and more absurd ends to gain advantage.
How many times, a Congress critter talks about reaching across the aisle and/or refers to their fellow Congress critters as "my friend on the other side of the aisle". Each time they are caught saying such cliched statements insincerely, they'd have power to their microphone be cut and they'd be sent to time out. I'd be curious how long it would take for them to stop using insincere cliched statements.
Confer that future primaries for the parties submit to an American Gladiator type competition to see which of each of the parties was most "fit" to serve.
Require that all those who want to serve in my administration be required to sing one of the following songs when testifying before Congress to get my nomination (This would buy the country great comic relief and would show me who really, really wants to serve at 'all cost')
I'd the spirit of transparency. I'd let the public know that I'd release the results of my survey findings in January 2024. This would give the public plenty of time to decide if they want for more year of my "unique" Presidency or they wanted the usual boring political theater.
As time marches on and as we are becoming a more "blunt" and "outspoken" and "reality TV" and more bread and circus in our campaigns. I figure the the country will be ripe for a truly "Reality Presidency".
To my faithful audience thanks for your care and attention in reading my "insane thoughts". Until next time.
I was at a concert the other day and noted how me and my friend Jennie each had someone with us that cared for and cared about us. Anyone who knows my history knows that relationship have been something I've had to work at, but I digress. But I can say that I have been loved along the way and that for some reason my wife Kristi seems to have warm fuzzy feelings towards me, even when I don't feel lovable. I was thinking about my late brother and how he had never gotten married and never was even close to it. I know one of things that always got to him was that he never truly felt loved. He was loved more than he realized, but I digress. Thinking about that actually made me pretty sad, BUT it also made me realize something. Finding someone who truly loves you is a blessing. Anyway, in pondering the above, I also thought about what love is and what it isn't. What is is meant to be and what it isn't meant to be.
The bible speaks on love and marriage extensively, sometimes seemingly for and against it. See below:
Love is not meant to validate us. Our validation comes from our relationship to our higher power. Love is a gift of our higher power to help us not feel alone, isolated and unappreciated.
The love of another isn't meant to make us complete us, it is meant to complement us
Love shouldn't be to 'fix' or 'solve our problems', but instead free us from feeling alone and unappreciated such that we can with focus on dealing with the things we need to. I think that's at least part of what the apostle Paul was saying in 1st Corinthians above.
In short, love and marriage are meant to enrich us, not to replace what is missing in us. Love is meant to be beneficial to both parties and not to feed into each other's dysfunctionality.
I guess my takeaway is rely on the your higher power (God) for your validation, but appreciate the value of love which He has provided for us.
I tend to be too serious at times. So, for me writing a lighthearted, sarcastic or flaky blog entry is my way of breaking the tension a bit. I don't know how it occurred, to me. Where does one every get odd ideas out of nowhere? One of the great mysteries of life. Anyway, here is my take on cats and dog. Enjoy.
If you want a furry friend who is a "yes man", get a dog. If you want a furry friend who tells you the unvarnished truth, get a cat.
For example, a cat will tell you that you are an idiot, but that it likes you anyway. A dog will tell you how great you are and tell you how much it LOVES and won't judge you.
Do you want validation or the truth?
Dogs don't care if we know they are codependent. Cats on the other hand, like to portray themselves as independent. But, at night where do they end up? With their favorite person.
A dog will go down with the ship. A cat will wish you well as it abandons you.
A dog will harass you if you are sleeping and it is hungry. A cat on the hand will beat the crap out of you until you feed it. In other words, if you need a backup alarm, don't feed your cat.
A cat will calculate on a daily basis if it needs you. A dog on the other hand won't bother questioning that idea.
A dog will do it's potty business outside and will forget about it immediately after it is finished. A cat will do it's best to "hide the evidence" after it is finished.
A dog will be content to lay out your feet. A cat on the other hand likes to go to the highest ground just to prove it is the alpha.
A dog when it hurts itself will say nothing or yelp. A cat on the other hand will pretend it isn't hurt and say, "I meant to do that" out of self-respect. For example, a cat, when it has an epic fail jumping, will act like nothing happened or that it meant to do that.
Dog spelled backward is god, but don't act like gods to us. Cats on the other hand remind us that in ancient Egypt they used to be worshiped as gods.
A dog when it wants food, it begs you and follows you around. A cat on the other hand will direct you to its bowl and demand you fill it, sometimes yelling at you along the way.
According to Wikipedia (for what it's worth), bloodletting is: The withdrawal of blood from a patient to cure or prevent illness and disease. Bloodletting was based on an ancient system of medicine in which blood and other bodily fluids were regarded as "humors" that had to remain in proper balance to maintain health. This practice was done from ancient times until near the end of the 19th century, but has all been abandoned. Medically, it has been pretty well discredited. However, I found the concept a useful way to describe a healthy way of mourning. I don't always tell what inspires my blog posts. But, this one I will share. Anyone who knows me knows that my daughter, Olivia, is being raised in a broken home. That is to say, her mom and I got split up when she was 4. Obviously, this impacts Olivia and has hurt her. But, as the parent who doesn't have primary custody of her, I see much less often. I calculate about 30% of the time*. Sometimes, I don't see her for about a week at a time, occasionally it is longer. I always feel a sense of loss during these stretches. While I am grateful that she has good health and I do get to see her--there are some who aren't that lucky, it still hurts. The pain of the long stretches will always be there as I feel myself missing large blocks of her childhood, but I am better able to deal with the technique(s) I describe below: -- In the Bible, God tells us:
1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
Furthermore, He lets us know there is a: 4a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4) However, we don't always take that advice to heart. I used to be guilty of letting the hurt build up. Sometimes I found constructive way to divert the energy: running, listening to music, etc. Other times, I utilized unproductive or destructive ways to divert the energy: impulsive spending, wasting all day watching TV or playing video games, moments of promiscuity, etc. See: Zig Zagging through life: Diverting our energy from where it is really needed. Anyway, it wasn't until I got older that I really realized these: two things about dealing with hurt:
The power of prayer and faith.
What I call bloodletting: Focusing into the hurt rather than avoiding it.
God helps those who help themselves. Our faith can help us through the toughest times and God can literally move mountains if we ask him to, I believe that God helps those who help themselves. That is to say, He rarely removes all our pain,but instead gives us the tools and wisdom to deal with it effectively, thereby lessening it. -- Back to my story. In 2011 when I literally lost almost everything, including my brother to suicide and my daughter for a while to a contentious divorce, I had to find a healthy way to cope. After trying to avoid it or coping in unproductive or destructive ways, I came to realize that I'd been dealing with hurt the wrong way for most of my life. When I started seeing my daughter again and had to give her up to her mom--dropping her at daycare or school or directly to her mom--it really totally hit home. The times I had to give her up for literally almost a week, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I would smile, hug her, kiss her, love her and put on the happy face, but as soon as I rushed back to my car, I would be devastated. I came to understand the power of going into the pain or hurt, rather than trying to avoid it. As I was driving off, I would literally flip my CD player or electronic device to sad music. Sometimes, the more sad it was, the better. In the privacy of my car on the way home or to work or wherever, I would literally find my inner pain, and like poison let it drain out--hence bloodletting. I found writing to be a good tool in that regard too. I had really started to find my inner voice after all those years. While I know I am not a genius, I believe God blessed me with the gift of perception. Once again, just like when I turned up the car stereo or ipod or whatever and forced myself to face the pain through sad music, I would write on what was bothering me, even to the point of having it hurt more. Once again, I was 'bloodletting' or giving the poison of increasing hurt an outlet to flow out. As an aside, as a child, I faced some real adversity. Much of it I am not going to catalog here as I am sure I've cataloged it elsewhere and the adversity itself is not the main focus. Anyway, I used to think of the adversity and the pain it caused as a curse, but now I see it as lemonade from a lemon. Having faced certain things (and later in the 2010s even more adversity), I realized that had I had an easy carefree childhood and life, I would NEVER have been able to understand, relate or offer sincere encouragement to others who faced similar adversity. I guess my takeaway from this is twofold:
Remember to lean on God when facing adversity rather than pushing Him away.
Looking into, stepping into, walking through the pain of adversity, while not very enjoyable, can be one of the best ways to release the hurt it is causing.
I labeled this one Demons, part 3 as I think it fits in with my other posts on "Demons".
