All you don't need is hate...

As I was thinking about the All you need is love... post, I had thought about a post on the hate--often portrayed as the opposite of love.  Some would say, the opposite of love is indifference, but I digress.

I thought my blog post should be on the hurt and the consequences of hate.  By that I mean personal animosity.  What lead to this post ideas was when I read and saw a story the other day about a senseless assassination of the Russian ambassador to Turkey.  To me it was another shocking reminder of the darkness in this world that is hate.  Unfortunately, I'm not immune to the poison which is hate.  When confronted such senseless and hate-filled acts of violence, if I allow it, my reaction is one of hatred and wishing horrible things toward the person who committed such a destructive act.  But, I digress...

So, what are the potential consequences of hate (not necessarily in order of importance):

• Separation from our Higher Power (God).  Like it or not, God created man in His own image.  We are God's creation.  Therefore, when we our focusing on hate towards another of God's creation, we are in effect hating what He made.  We are in effect judging Him.  The old line of thought is well if He were such a loving God why do such horrible things happen in this world.  God is no more at fault for us choosing to reject Him initially and throughout time.  He is not at fault for our fallen nature (and the consequences thereof) anymore than parents that raise their kids the right way, but there kid decides to make poor choices.  Getting back to point, when we hate others, we are effectively telling God he made a mistake and holding it against Him.  Instead we should be looking in the mirror at ourselves and our nature and see what we can contribute towards betterment in the world. 
• Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. (1 John 2:9)
• “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)

• Poison in our soul.  Those who have been in a twelve step or recovery type program (and many who haven't) have heard an old saying attributed to numerous people: Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  While our resentment or hatred might inflict damage on the other person, often times most of the damage ends up being inflicted on ourselves.  If someone at school, at work or elsewhere does (or doesn't) do something that causes us to hate them, ultimately who is hurt more if we are lying awake in bed at night hating them?  Who is hurt more if we can't focus on the things that benefit us due to our hatred?  Who is hurt more when the poison of hatred causes us stress?
• See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:15)

• Sets a bad example.  How can teach our children to be kind, loving and considerate when we hatred emanates from our being?  We may say the right things about such matters, but our underlying tone or actions undermines the positive lessons we are trying to teach.  If we are publicly showing hatred, how can we expect others to take us seriously when we call for peace?  Appeals to the better nature of others will not tend to be fruitful if they are strangled out by hatred.
• See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:15)

• Hate begets hate and leads to destruction within families, communities, societies and the world.  As I indicated to my daughter, I feel  that 9/11 was an extreme result of hatred festering in the heart of many.  A single act of hatred towards Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria on June 28th, 1914 set in motion a chain of events that led to the two most destructive wars in world history.  An anarchist's bullets led to ultimatums, reprisals and declarations of war starting in 1914, kicking off what we now know as WWI.  Though, open hostilities ceased on Nov. 11th, 1918 (now Veteran's Day), the resentment and hatred reared its ugly head in the 1930s again, culminating with the invasion of Poland on Sept. 1, 1939 to kick off what we now know as WWII.  A single act of hatred led to the death of countless millions.  Now, every expression of hatred will not lead to such an extreme result.  Let's just say hatred rarely starts out big and left unchecked will like a cancer grow.
• Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs. (Proverbs 10:12)

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Before I finish this topic matter, I want to address a few things.  

• As with most things in this world, hate is not always a bad thing.  While the bible doesn't explicitly say to "hate the sin, love the sinner", I believe it is clear that is what we are to do.  God clearly loves his creation: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)  The Bible has numerous verses which express his dislike or hatred of sin: but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear. (Isaiah 59:2).  So, if He loves us enough to give his Son for us, but hates when we sin.  Shouldn't we show the same love?  That is, hate the behavior, but love the sinner.  That doesn't mean let poor behavior go without punishment aka justice being done, but instead not to focus your energies on the one who is making the bad choices. 
• Righteous anger is not the same thing as hatred.  In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, (Ephesians 4:26)  Clearly, God understands that there is a time and place for anger, especially if we are harmed by the sins of another.  However, he does not want us to dwell in the anger and let it become hatred. From what I see righteous anger that is left to fest can turn into hatred and animosity which is sinful in its very nature.

Ever since I was a kid, I have valued life, peace and have hated seeing people fight.  It hurts when I see my fellow man injuring or hurting another, especially when it is a kid.  However, I know in my heart that this is a fallen world and it is inevitable.  That being said, while we can't control how others behave or react, we can control how we think and act and can set a good example for our kids and our fellow man by not repaying hatred.  Once again, that doesn't mean continuously taking abuse or not defending yourself, but what it does mean is not amplifying hatred by repaying it.

- Rich

* I have said a joke for years that "I am violently opposed to violence".  However, this election year has shown me that there are people "hateful in their pursuit of opposing what they see as hatred".  To me this is the antithesis of repaying hate with love.

For an alternative take on hate where it is okay?, go to: Hated it! Is it so wrong to hate sometimes?

All you need is love...

Admit it, now you are thinking about that song.  It's contagious.  But, perhaps it's nice to think about the things that make you smile.  Today as I write this, it would be my late brother's 49th birthday.  He didn't feel loved enough.  I hope he feels it now, but perhaps in the meantime, I can show love to those still here...

I was at a Wednesday evening bible study at my church and our head minister was leading the class.  I don't remember the exact breakdown of the topic matter, we talked about different types of love.

As we know English doesn't do justice to the concept of love.  The same word is used to describe happy feelings towards ice cream vs. romantic feelings towards your significant other vs. warm/selfless feelings towards your kids, etc.  Context is everything in this regard.

I believe the ancient greeks had a good fix on the concept of love

The 7 kinds of love according to the ancient Greeks

1. Eros: Love of the body.  That is to say sexual lust or erotic love based on sexual attraction.  In other words a sort of 'tension'.  This can be an important part of a relationship, but in a healthy relationship it is just one aspect.  In an unhealthy relationship, it can be mistaken for a deeper love.  That's why it is important that this type of love is not explored at too early age as it can warp one's view of 'love'.  It can cause a focus on the body being the source of love.


2. Philia:  Love of the mind.  When you share values, disposition and interests, this type of love exists and can flourish.  This is type of love you have for a brother or a really good friend.  This can be a strong component of a healthy relationship.  Where feelings of eros towards a spouse may fade in time, philia can keep a relationship going strong.  Philadelphia is the "City of Brotherly love" and its name is partially derived from this word.


3. Ludus: Playful love.  It is child-like in nature.  Think of the joy you feel when you dance or laugh.  Think of the love that is associated with it.  It's fun love.  The way I see it this love flourishes when you have moments of "Lightness of Being".  I see this type of love being a connecting type of love in a relationship.  That is to say the type that when times are tough we can remember the good times and remember why love our spouse.  It is also is a type of love if we let go with our spouse, can break the tension.


4. Pragma: Longstanding love.  This is the highest form of love in a relationship.  It develops over time.  It is a mature love.  It is commitment or a give and take in a relationship.  It is important to build and nurture this type of love as it can come in handy when your spouse needs you.  Times such as seeing them fight cancer.   In a sense, it is a pragmatic type of love.


5. Agape: Love of the soul.  This is the type of love that God has for us and showed through Jesus.  It is love of humanity.  It is the most selfless type of love.  This is the type of love that can help us sympathize, empathize and connect with people we don't know.  I think this is why when we read or hear about a 'touching' story, it moves us.  We can related on some level.


6. Philautia: Love of the self.  It is said that before you can truly love others, you have to love yourself on some level.   So, this love has to be present to love others.  However, it has to be the right form of Philautia. This can either be a healthy regard you have for yourself--one that allows you the space to love others. Unfortunately, it can be narcissistic--which is a consuming selfish type of 'love' of yourself which doesn't allow the space to love others.  


7. Storge: Love of the child.  This is the connection or bond in which you have with your child(ren).  It is a natural sort of love.  When this love is present we forgive, accept and sacrifice.  Where pragma takes work, storge is natural.  Ultimately, I see pragma approaching storge in intensity or commitment with a lot of work and time.  I see pragma as the grown up type of storge that we would have for our spouse.  In a way, storge is what God displayed for us when He gave us His only begotten Son to atone for us.

My takeaway:  philautia or love of self has to be present to some degree to give us space for the other types of love.  But, if we have the other types appropriately present in our lives, it can help enhance our love of self.  Alternatively, if we 'love ourselves too much' aka narcissism, it can smother our ability to love others properly.  But, as I see it narcissism is not necessarily an authentic love of self, but can be a fragile 'love' of self requiring our attention to constantly feed it.  Finding the balance of self-love is I think the key to being able to show/feel/display love properly in all its forms.  And the key to finding the balance I believe is seeing ourselves as the Father sees us.

Love your spouse, your children, your fellow man, but don't forget to love yourself or don't completely indulge yourself in your own love.  

The final takeaway: On this Christmas season, I think it is important to remember to love others as the Father has loved us.  

Love,
Rich

All you don't need is hate... is a blog about the opposite idea.

The insane voice, installment 5: Way out there...

As you know from previous installments of "insane voice" theater, I believe most of us have an insane voice just waiting, begging, pleading to come out.  For some it's worse than others.  And for the worst of the lot, they are institutionalized or become writers. 😹  We know this to be true because often times when people are plied with enough alcohol we see evidence of this.

But, I digress.  I get my inspiration from various sources and my insane voice has various levels to it.  Anyway, here goes this the latest installment of "insane voice theater".

• If an institution of higher learning has an 'office of inclusion' or something similar, shouldn't it also have an 'office of exclusion' or something similar, just so each side gets equal time and equal speech?  This leads to the next point.

• If you work in customer service or deal with people and you privately say, "I hate people", does that mean your loved ones aren't people?

• I watched "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" and at the end, Spock does a mind melt with Bones.  He injects his living spirit into McCoy.  This is revealed by Spock's father in the Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.  Anyway, McCoy was acting a little off after this transfer occurred.  Have you ever noticed that when a pet's owner dies, the pet's behavior is off as well.  Makes you wonder.  So, I got to thinking when my spirit is on it's way to the great beyond, I will my spirit may for a bit cohabitate Simon (or Simon II, III, IV, V, etc) or whatever iteration of cat happens to be present for it.  To others, it will appear like my cat's behavior is off.  But, for me it will a great way to solve a mystery.  Namely, what's it like to be a cat.  So, to anyone I leave behind, be nice the cat friend I leave behind, I may temporarily cohabitate with my cat friend.  Bet you didn't see that coming.  HA   Anyway, leads to next point.

• If someone with a sickle, a black outfit with a hood and just a general creepy demeanor shows up and it is not Halloween and there is no costume party that you know of around, do you yell out the door, "We don't want any, go next door, the neighbors might!"?

• If you were a snowman or woman which family, friends or coworkers would you want to have as your fellow snow-people as long as the weather holds up?

• Sometimes people are said to act catty.   I wonder if in the cat community, cats belittle each other saying another cat is acting "humany".  Just saying...

• If you have a pity party, what does it become when you invite a guest?

I will leave it at Lucky Seven today.  I hope you enjoyed your time in "insane voice theater".  This is also my 100th post for this blog and is also my birthday so please celebrate it with me.

Insane voice, installment 1

Insane voice, installment 2

Insane voice, installment 3

Insane voice, installment 4

Insane voice, installment 5

Insane voice, installment 6

Insane voice, installment 7

Insane voice, installment 8

Criticism: Easier to accept from ourselves than others

I don't remember precisely how it came to me today.  However, I believe I was Spirit-led to a very concrete understanding and analogy of why we often find it easier to openly level criticism at ourselves than to accept the roughly same criticism from another.

This analogy involves a little incident I had years ago.  One day, years ago I got into an accident in stop and go traffic accident traffic.  I didn't realize how bad my brakes were until I tried to stop and wasn't able to.  But, I digress, we got a police report and they left.  My hood wouldn't shut and I had my niece in the car, so I had to find a way to get her home.  I found a cable and tied it down so I could get her home.  So, not a great 'fix' and not maybe the most stable, but still...  Anyway, I thought, I will stop at a store and get something less bulky and stronger to hold the hood down.  So, I tried that and tied the hood down again so it wouldn't slam the windshield.  As it turns out, that was a bad idea.  It held worse than the cable and slammed into the windshield shattering it.  But, I found out something I never really thought about--there is a protective film within it helping to keep it from imploding inwards into the car.

So, how does this relate to my understanding of how we deal with internal/external criticism?

• When we criticize ourselves, I think we generally keep a protective layer between the criticism and ourselves to lessen the impact or 'damage' of it. The protective layer is how we shield ourselves against the impact of our own criticism  Anyway, similarly the windshield of our car has a thin protective film in the middle to help prevent the impact of a shattered windshield from sending shards of glass into the car risking our safety.
• When another criticizes us, it can feel like the protective layer isn't there and therefore we feel the full impact of it.  It is similar to being behind glass without a protective layer.  The impact upon which like glass hurtling at us can cause us pain and injury.
• When we criticize ourselves, sometimes we are serious and sometimes we know we just have to own up to a flaw/issue, but really don't want to face the impact of it.  Point is we understand and control the impact of our self-criticism and can adjust accordingly.  Criticism from another, even sometimes from a loved one, can feel like something large hitting our windshield.  It can really catch us off-guard and give little time to prepare for the effects of it.

Ultimately, in this life, we know are flawed.  We have to brave enough to own our flaws and make changes where necessary to 'fix' them.  We also have to not allow ownership of our flaws or hearing legitimate, properly sourced and timed criticism destroy us.  Alternatively, we also have to have the wisdom to reject criticism where it is illegitimate.  In other words, not to let any sense of personal failings allow of to take ownership of what ISN'T ours.  For example righteous anger is not a flaw.

I don't claim to be the source or guide to these points or questions.  In my life, my Higher Power, God is the ultimate authority on what my failings and positives are.  It is through Him and His word that I have the wisdom to appreciate and understand these matters.

Anyway, just a little nugget that occurred to me one day when I was driving, pondering and remembered an accident/incident I had.

Cheers.

How the St. Louis Cardinals got their name: The Unauthorized Tall Tale

So, I have a special connection with my daughter Olivia and have had one for long time.  It it based on offbeat and sometimes sarcastic humor.  One of the ways I relate to her is by stories that I tell.  She has literally 100s of stuffed animals.  Many of them has a story behind them or a story within in them.  Just imagine each stuffed animal having a set of adventures told about them in a kid's book type format and that's kind of how I've related to her over time.  She's going to be 10 next year, but I think she still likes hearing me weave tales.  But, I digress.

So, I was talking about the misadventures of two of her stuffed animals today--both birds and we were talking about local sports teams and I had an epiphany.  What is the haha 'real' story behind how the St. Louis Cardinals got their name.  Let's transition to that.  Here is how it went. 

Me:  Olivia, you know how the Cardinals got their team name and mascot.

Olivia:  I dunno

Me: A long ago, in the late 1800s, when the original owner created/took ownership of the St. Louis baseball them they were deciding on a name for the team, they decided they'd name the team after a bird.  So, they set up an audition for birds to impress them.

• Bluejay - The Bluejay pranced around and tweeted and ownership thought he was pretty and thought about him, but decided against him.  So, he flew off.
• Bluebird - Similar experience to the Bluejay.
• Chicken - They decided that the chicken was annoying with its cluck.   Besides, ownership was too worried the team would be labelled as cowards if they were named "The St. Louis Chickens".
• Goose - Honked very loud and got on ownerships nerves and decided against him (as they didn't want the mascot to sound like a horn).
• Swan - They thought the swan was very pretty and graceful and they thought she would be better as part of a woman's team.   So, they saved this idea for a women's team they'd come up with.
• Pigeon - This guys audition was cut short and he was escorted out unceremoniously when he pooped on the head of the original owner.
• Oriole - They liked this bird but thought one day that bird will turn on St. Louis.  The St. Louis Browns became the Baltimore Orioles.
• Finch - They thought he was very small, very cute, and had a sweet little voice.  They save him to audition for the mascot of a children's team they might sponsor.
• Duck - They thought his loud quack was annoying and decide against him.  However, the duck had his kid--a duckling--along and he made a cute small quack and they thought that potentially he could be mascot of the youth team St. Louis started.
• Owl - They asked Mr. Owl to come up and he said, "who" and they said, "You Mr. Owl" and he said, "Who" again.  After repeating this about three or four times, they figured the owl was mocking them and tossed him out unceremoniously.  I told her it turned out okay because he was someone elses' mascot.  I didn't say "Hooters", but that's what I was thinking.
• Chickenhawk - The chickenhawk was about ready to step in to be judged but saw the chicken and went nuts trying to chase after it.  Needless to say, he got thrown out".
• Flamingo - They thought she was pretty, but the team didn't like its pink color (as they were very traditional men) and they decided to let the flamingo try out for a further woman's baseball team.
• Penguin - Waddled around and made noise.  They didn't think he was dignified enough.
• Turkey - Ownership couldn't take seriously a mascot whom we ate every Thanksgiving.
• Peacock - They thought that he was too flashy and distracting for the team.
• Vulture - He mistakenly thought if he just snatched up and ate the other birds, they'd have to pick him.  Ownership would have started with a new animal, but he didn't know that.  Anyway, unfortunately for him, the original owner was an avid hunter and when the Vulture tried to kill his competition, the owner shot him (and later had him stuffed).  Big mistake for the vulture.
• Dove - The loved her voice and though she was very pretty and graceful.  They decided that she should try out for a future woman's baseball team.
• Bald Eagle - They told him that since his people were already the national animal, it'd be silly to have him also be the St. Louis team mascot.
• Hawk - Once again this bird decided to go after another.  He liked the taste of Finch.  So, when he made moves toward him, they reminded him what happened to the vulture.  Needless to say, the audition for the hawk ended abruptly.
• Parrot - They got annoyed with him when he kept repeating everything the mascot search committee said.  Needless to say, they threw him out.
• Woodpecker - They had to escort him away when he attacked the team's wood bats.

Me: Are we leaving out any birds.

Olivia: Emu

Me: Yeah, with their grunting and hissing they didn't think he'd be family friendly.  Any others we are missing.

Olivia: Ostrich

Me: Yeah, they got annoyed with him when he hid his head in the ground when he was called and wouldn't come out.  They yanked him out of the ground and threw him out.

Me: The search team was ready to just move to a different type of animal when out of nowhere flew in a Cardinal who didn't know about the audition, but was fascinated by the collection of birds.  He landed on the bat and started chirping.  The owner loved how natural he was acting, he loved how pretty he was, and thought the bird on the bat would make a perfect logo pictures and thus the team name and mascot were born for "The St. Louis Cardinals".  Needless to say, the other birds that knew about the audition and countless hours practicing were mad as the Cardinal for just showing up with little practice   She agreed and said that most of them got behind the team.

Anyway, Olivia went along with this agreed with the reasons why they pass on or threw out the other birds and liked why the Cardinal was selected.

Anyway, this is just one but a number of stories I tell/make up to my daughter.  I figure, either this will result in me writing a kid's book one day or her thinking I'm absolutely nuts.  Oh well, the things we do for love.  The tales we tell to amuse.

-- Rich

Depression: It Ain't Over 'Till It's Over

Sorry folks, but it is time for a melancholy post.  Don't mean to be a killjoy, but I say what my head and sometimes my heart tell me to write and I feel this one in my bones, needing to get out.  It is my hope that my posts are read and shared.  I hope one day to have a wide distribution that people can either can relate, hear something that 'explains' what they've felt, or just give a different perspective to what they've thought on matters. Anyway, I am working on a more 'positive' one to balance out, but I digress.  Anyway, here I dive in.  

The holidays can be hard to face for those who have lost someone close and/or do not have a close knit family.  When you see the warmth and joy elsewhere around you, it is easy to reflect on what is missing.

I have circled this issue many times and in many forms, but I have never landed on it.  Like releasing an ordinance from a jet and hitting around a target, but never quite hitting the target.  Some of the forms I've touched upon are as follow:

• Suicide
• Feeling blue
• Disconnected
• Sadness
• Walking wounded
• Melancholy

So, here I speak on it finally: Depression.  As a Christian, we are taught not to worry and to have faith in God above.  We are taught to look at the big picture, that is the long view.  Struggle and suffering are a part of this life, but that ultimately in our Savior we will have victory when the struggles of this life have passed.  There are countless scriptures for encouragement and strengthening.  I won't enumerate them, but will point to Encouraging Scriptures.

I believe all these things and more.  However, I know that faith itself will not prevent us from struggles, faith itself will not prevent us from getting down at times.  Faith itself will not keep us from the trials and tribulations that are the byproduct of our fallen nature and an imperfection.   Faith itself will not always keep us from moments of feeling sad and hopeless.  The Bible itself has numerous examples of people feeling hopeless at times: Jonah, King David, Elijah, etc.  While the takeaway from the Bible is there is hope for those who call themselves Children of God, from what I see, the Bible recognizes feelings of discouragement, hopelessness and depression.  So, how can I square my faith with my feelings of discouragement at times?  How can I square my faith with my moments of depression and hopelessness?   How do I tell others to have faith, when I have my moments of hopelessness?  Eternal questions.  The short answer is that in following our faith, we are not promised a life of comfort, a life of ease, a life of carefree.  What we are promised is an absolution of our sin and ultimate victory over death.  I gave this as part of the eulogy for my brother Bill what we are promised...

1 Corinthians 15:42-44, 54-56
42 So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is
perishable, it is raised imperishable; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised
in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural
body, it is raised a spiritual body.
------
54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal
with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has
been swallowed up in victory."
55 "Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

--

As I wrote this for my brother Bill who took his life in July 2011.  The backstory I wrote in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother.   He was a baptized believer, but he struggled mightily with hopelessness.  I hope and pray God understood his pain and took that into account.  Anyway, with him it was like as if you told him the weather was mostly sunny and he'd probably come back and effectively say, "I guess that means it is cloudy outside".  When you are in that place, it is hard to see the glass as half full, but instead it is easier to see the glass as half empty with the risk of the glass just being knocked over and all the hope drain out.  I know this because I have had points like that before.  Not quite to the extent that Bill had, but enough to know the personal hell he must have felt.  Divorce, death of close ones, loss of custody, bankruptcy, losing your house and losing most of your possession, & job loss all can weigh on you.  But, like Job, even when you think God has abandoned you, He is there.  But you have to look past the debris and look at The Promise (see above scripture).

--

What is depression?  According to Merriam-Webster, one of the definitions of depression is as follow:

"a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies"

Those are fine words and that is a good clinical description, but let's take it down to the day-to-day level. What does it feel like?

• It is a dreading of getting out of bed to face the day ahead.  It is a wanting to go to work early, to run errands early, to go to the gym to work out, but instead feeling like it is safest to just stay in bed as long as you can.
• It is the sense that no matter how much you try things will inevitably not end well.  I sense of what's the point.  In other words, not getting too high when good things happen as it is just a cruel trick before the other shoe drops as it inevitably will.
• It is a feeling of needing something to numb, block, drown or overcome the pain.  Something such as alcohol, drugs (prescribed or other), gambling, extensive TV watching, drowning in music, a tryst, you name it.  Just anything you can to take away the pain for as long as possible or to extend better feelings for just little longer.
• It is a vacant or blank affect of, I don't care,  That is what does it matter anyway?
• It is like the feeling of wanting to walk away and never look back.
• It is the wondering if anyone would care if you just disappeared.  It is the sense that you don't matter too much if at all.
• It is the sense of tiredness of fighting it all.  Wishing you could just have the pain taken away.
• It is the sense of shrinking into yourself and not wanting anyone to notice or say anything.  But, instead to let you lick your wounds.
  

You get the picture.  Some of this I've felt at times, some of it I've observed in others and some of it is what I perceive that it would be like.   Anyway, if you observe this attitude or behavior in another, it's hard to know what to do.

• Do you press your loved one for what's wrong and not take 'Nothing' or "I'm okay" for an answer?  Hard to know what to say.  
• Do you 'stage an intervention' and risk them shutting you out or totally rejecting you, thereby destroying ability to influence them.  
• Do you just constantly remind them in a friendly but not pushy way that you are there for them, hoping that they reveal enough or let you in enough to know when it is time to step in?  (In other words, come to you before they completely check out).
• Do you 'ambush' them when they've dropped off the grid?  In other words, checking in on them, but not quite staging an intervention.

Obviously, with my brother, I had some, if not all, of these questions in my mind.  I'm sure for anyone who has dealt with depression or someone who has it, has additional pondering similar to those above.  

I'm not sure exactly what the takeaway from this post is, except for the following:

1. Regardless of how deeply you choose to intervene, always remind your loved one that you care about them.  Even if you think, well, they won't care or notice my efforts, they will.
2. Share your concerns with trusted others around you--including possibly a counselor or minister or his/her friends.  Many people have either faced or known someone who has faced similar struggles.  With a little bit of God's grace, you might find someone who can either share your burden or give you pointers on what to do.
3. Pray.  It doesn't have to be a long prayer.  It doesn't actually have to be speaking aloud to God.  It could a simple thought to Him: "God, I don't know what to do, 'please advise me'." or "God, 'please let my loved one be open to Your help'"
4. Remember ultimately, there is only so much you can do.  Just like much else in life, you have to do what your gut tells you and leave the results to your Higher Power.

I hope this post will hit a person or two along the way.  Thanks for being my audience.  It sounds funny with such a melancholy blog, but Cheers.  :)

Rich

The Walking Wounded: 99 sheep meet the prodigal family

Something I've witnessed has bothered me for a long time and I'm finally putting it in writing what I've seen/felt for a long time.

I've witnessed time and again among family, among friends, among friend's family and within different group a consistent problem or issue.   We see this issue in society at large and often there is only relief from it when a tragedy larger than everyone strikes and sometimes even that isn't enough to prevent this issue from evidencing itself.

So, what is this issue?  People who face and/or are hurt by the same or similar circumstances often turn on each other, rather than uniting and work through the hurt together.  We often are so focused on our own hurt that we fail to see, accept, validate, take seriously or even take into account the hurt of others.  Sometimes it is even worse than that.  Sometimes people actively comparatively negate the hurt or injury of others in an attempt to put their own hurt to the forefront.  Why do people do that?

• Do they feel that their own pain or hurt is being ignored and they have to 'raise their voice' and say "But mine is worse" or "That's nothing compared to my situation"?  Does that mean:
• I don't trust others to help me through the pain.
• I've been let down so often.  
• Are they so injured that they cannot see the injury in others?
• Are they just crying out for help?

You tell me.  But those are things that I've seen.  (YMMV) "Your mileage may vary" or put less subtlety not everyone's experiences are the same as to how much and why their family/group turns on each other when facing hurt or crisis.  As I indicated above, some of it is just plain selfish/self-centeredness, but much of it is effectively a trust issue.  Instead of allowing themselves to step back and see the larger picture, there is a tendency to draw each other into a circular firing squad.

==

Let's get concrete.  

• Say a close family member dies--sibling, in-law, parent, child, etc.  All tied to him or her suffer pain and loss.  But we suffer it in different ways and to different extents. 
• If it is an in-law, perhaps I don't suffer the loss to the extent that my spouse does, but that doesn't mean that it didn't significantly impact me.  It is wrong to act if I don't have the right to hurt significantly in that situation.
• A kid may experience the loss of a parent, but remaining spouse experiences the loss too.
• In many/most cases, a kid hasn't had the chance to develop the tools and gain the maturity to grieve as an adult would or see beyond their own hurt.
• The remaining spouse is hurt too and due to the different nature of the relationship his or her grief/loss might not be viewed as quite severe.  You can replace a friend/spouse, but a mom or dad is THE mom or dad or so the thinking might be.  While it usually true the kid will hurt worse and longer, it doesn't mean the spouse's loss is nothing or they've gotten over it.  It's important that all parties reflect on their loss rather than 'competing'.
• Say multiple kids of a family suffered abuse at the hands of a 'family friend'.  One kid may get the 'brunt' of the abuse. 
• The person(s) who as a kid got lesser abuse aren't 'lucky'.  Lucky would have mean that they wouldn't have been abused.  What they are is just not victimized as much. But they are still victims of abuse and as such need to have their trauma recognized and taken seriously.
• The person who as a kid got the brunt of the abuse isn't the 'winner' at the who was hurt worse 'contest'.  While he/she may need more attention/counseling to deal with their abuse than the other that doesn't give him or her the right to dismiss the trauma of the others.
• I believe a goal in this situation is for each victim to step outside of their hurt for a moment and realize others were hurt also.  If each victim can show empathy for each other rather than 'compete' for who got the most abuse, then I think their own healing would benefit as well as healing of the family at large. 
• In our country, many have suffered in many different ways.  Some have suffered the indignities of blatant discrimination based on race.  Some have suffered extreme poverty.  Some have suffered loses in war.  Some have suffered in other ways and some have suffered in more than one way.
• Instead of having a little empathy for others who've suffered, sometimes we get caught up in our own brand of suffering and dismiss that of others.
• Once again this minimizes the chance we to relate to and help each other.  In fact, doing so can cause a cycle of resentment where nobody heals effectively, nobody wins and in some ways everyone--except those who exploit the suffering--loses.

In each of these cases with the right spiritual focus we can get past ourselves and see the pain in others and reach out.  This doesn't mean ignoring our own hurt, but offering to help others who are hurting.

--------------

Why I titled this The Walking Wounded: 99 sheep meet the prodigal family was the shepherd just like the prodigal dad was mourning the loss of one of his flock--albeit in each case it turned out to be temporary loss.  When we lose someone close to us, we can seemingly abandon those closest to us while dealing with the loss (or in the case of the prodigal family, the return).  Others in the picture are affected by the dynamic of the loss.  The 99 sheep temporarily were without their shepherd and were less protected therefore.  In the case of the prodigal family, the dad was likely mourning the loss of the prodigal son that turned his back on him.  When the prodigal son returned he threw all his attention on him.  The son who was loyal and stayed behind was hurt.  In each case, someone or something was affected by a loss (sheep vs. dad & other son).   Each experienced a loss differently and reacted very differently.   The other son instead of looking at the big picture looked strictly at how it affected him.  He probably felt abandoned as his dad mourned the 'loss' of the prodigal son and then felt abandoned again as his dad gave all his warmth to the returned prodigal son.  I can imagine if the 99 sheep could talk they'd tell the other son that your dad has loved you all along and he knows that you are hurting too.  They would say, "When our shepherd left us to find the one missing sheep, he wasn't abandoning us, he was always aware of us and thinking about us, but he was doing what was necessary to make our herd (or family) whole again.  He was always going to be there for us and meet our needs, he had a job and a role to play and we had to be supportive in that role for the better of our herd."   The father represented the Holy Father, the prodigal son represented the lost child of God and the other son represented the one who is at peace with God.  The father in the "Prodigal Son" explained to the other son approximately what I imagined the 99 sheep that weren't missing would have explained from a different perspective.

We all have faced hurt in our lives, some of it directly shared hurt and some of it hurt that we can relate to.  What I've come to understand is that we would all do best to find a way to see beyond ourselves and into the bigger picture.  I may have gotten a smaller helping of hurt than you, but that doesn't mean my hurt is nothing.  Likewise, I know I'm hurting, but there is someone probably close who is hurting too and hurting more.  Therefore, I need to find a way to step away from my hurt to recognize and try to comfort them.  When we compete in this arena, nobody wins.  The original hurt is still there for everyone and on top of it, we have pushed each other apart by trying to "win".  We may not see it as 'trying to win', but instead may see it as making sure to get what we need.  However, like in a food riot, we are so busy competing for what we need rather than trying to find a way to best meet the needs of everyone that we likely will end up destroying some of the life-giving food in the process.

I wrote most of this on Thursday, November 24th, 2016 that is Thanksgiving day.  So, I guess a takeaway could be that we need to be find a way to look beyond ourselves.  Be thankful for the things we have and while recognizing concerns/issues in our own lives, not to focus on them, but instead to give some focus on those less fortunate--spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Parable of the Prodigal Son

Parable of the Lost Sheep

EVERYBODY HURTS (x2)